Due to Xavier's abrupt departure from his own home, by the time I head off I have no idea where to start looking for him.
There are places I know where he goes when he needs to think, but it would be stupid to look for him there right now. Those places were laced with my memories, and I don't think Xavier was looking to remember me right now. That passion in his eyes when he locked eyes with me seemed to say it all. He wanted to be left alone, and the first place I would think to look for him would have been the "Think Tank." I'd stolen this reprieve from him, his home away from home.
It didn't stop me from going though. Xavier was so pissed off at something I couldn't possibly comprehend. I wanted to understand, but how could I when I'd never felt these emotions. As much as I might have been guilty of shutting down on Xavier at any given moment, he tended to run from his problems.
The conversation we'd had in the park suddenly ebbed through my mind. Fight or Flight; stay and face the weight of the world on your shoulders, or run away from it all? If you'd asked me a week ago, no, even a day ago, what I thought Xavier would do, my answer would be fight. He would fight until his fists bled red all over, and his lungs ached for something more than air.
But now I could see it as clear as day. Xavier pushed down and ran away from his own problems, allowing them to fester and become decaying parts, rotting away on his insides.
Walking to the 'Think Tank' had taken me the better part of the morning. Exhaustion was still fluttering around inside me, both emotionally and physically. I'm actually surprised that I'd even made it up here in the first place. My need to see his pointed features seemed to trump any of the pain that was coursing through me. Then again, I'd always been the kind of person who bit away at the pain and powered through.
Harsh incline be damned, if he was up there, I was going to see him, and if he wasn't, then I was going to have to kill him for making me walk this far.
I wasn't surprised when I'd made it to the clearing overlooking the town. Nothing of him remained here, save for the tire tracks etched in the muddy path that formed the road up. The ghost of him seemed to linger here, memories that I'd shared with him. Our quiet conversations and astute observations playing back in my mind like it had only been seconds prior.
Despite knowing he wasn't here, my feet dragged me forward. A few times I felt my feet take slighter, more tentative steps. If I wasn't careful, then the chances of faceplanting were going to be high. Once or twice, I lost my footing, but somehow managed to keep my balance by flailing my arms wildly and leaning in some pre-determined direction.
Eventually, my feet managed to find a stable base, my body positioned between the tracks of the tires. For the amount of times we had been here, it seemed like the car was stuck on a rail, never going outside of its boundaries, save for once or twice. The actual focus it must have taken to do this was more than a little alarming right now. But I had bigger things to worry about, like wondering where he was, and if he was okay, and what he might do if I didn't find him.
Glory's words had been hanging in my head since I left. Junior year. Something happened in Junior year, and it's enough to make the people around him worried for his own safety.
I want to know what it is. At the same time, I don't.
If I wanted him to trust me, I needed to make sure that it came from him. I couldn't force words out of his mouth. It seemed so silly how we were both in the same boat; needing to be trusted, but not wanting to trust.
My lungs took in a deep breath before I turned heel, preparing for the journey back down.
Xavier was not here, not in the personal universe we had built for the two of us.
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The sun was no longer riding high in the sky when I came to my own personal space; the playground. It was the only other place I could feasibly think to look for him. I even took the route he usually took when going from here to the 'Think Tank' just to see if I would be able to catch any sign of him. Unsurprisingly, I didn't really have much luck.
A wry laugh left my lips. There was a familiarity in this, how he could close himself off and just keep everything at an arm's length.
Like always, my eyes were turned up at the stars, my back against the cold-steel of the merry-go-round. It was then that I began to wonder how life would be so much easier if I could reach my hands up and just grab fistfuls of stars from the sky. Okay, so maybe it wasn't the most feasible idea, but at least then I'd be able to give Xavier something for everything he'd done for me.
Protecting me from arrogant assholes. Showing me his own personal space. Making me feel free again. Taking me in when I had limited options left to me. Teaching me that it's honestly okay to love someone who makes you feel like the complete picture of you.
And not once, through all of that, had I ever said thank you. At least I don't think I have.
I'd say it a million times over, just as long as I knew he was okay wherever he was.