Look out for the <>!
I woke up early the next morning with a pounding headache. I laid in bed for a few minutes as I scrolled through my phone, using that as a distraction from the pain that I was feeling. With a heavy sigh, I gave up, realizing that it had done nothing but waste my time.
I quickly texted Peter a good morning, then slowly climbed down the ladder steps from my bunk. As I got to the last steps, my vision blacked out, causing me to fall on the floor with a clunk, waking up Farrah from her deep slumber.
Farrah shot straight up and rubbed her eyes as she looked at me, who was lying on the ground. "What happened?" Farrah asked with concern in her voice.
Stuck in a daze, I laid on the ground for a few seconds as I tried to process what happened. I looked around at my surroundings as I tried to pull myself together, even though the event shook me up. I rubbed my butt, sure that it would bruise, and said, "nothing. I'm just a klutz. Go back to sleep."
She yawned, taking that as a suitable answer, then laid back down. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's nothing," I told her and got up from the ground with some difficulty from my jello like legs. Without looking back, I walked out of the room, trying my best to walk in a straight line even though I felt completely off balance and sick to my stomach.
Handing onto the wall, I walked down the stairs, hoping that I wouldn't fall, then went into the family room. When I finally made it to the couch, I felt no energy to get up and do anything else today. Disappointment flooded through me, knowing that today was going to be a bad day. But I couldn't accept that as a fact since I had to see Anna at the hospital today. For her and me, I had to feel better; I had to be there for her, no matter what I felt. She needed me and I had to be there, even though I felt terrible.
I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration as cancer reminded of another thing that it impeded, friendships. I felt my eyes well up with tears, as I felt so tired of dealing with all of this. I wanted one day, not even a day, just one hour, that I could feel good enough to see Anna. This was her moment, not mine.
Knowing that mom would come down to see me at any moment, I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. Within minutes mom came walking in to the family room with a smile which quickly turned into a frown as she looked at me, knowing that something wrong.
Panic hit me like an ocean wave, knowing that she had all the power to make me stay home. I sat up a little straighter to look at her, trying to fool her that I was fine.
"You spilled toothpaste on your shirt," she said to me finally as she pointed to my black shirt that I was wearing.
I looked at my shirt and saw toothpaste on it. I couldn't hold back the sigh of relief as I rubbed it, happy that she didn't see through my façade. "Oh, shoot." I frowned at her as if this was the most concerning thing that could happen to me this morning. "Probably should go change," I said to her and got up from the couch with as much strength as I could muster.
As quick as I could, I tried to walk at my normal speed, swearing mentally, wondering why I walked so fast normally. As soon as I was out of her sight, I hugged the wall so I wouldn't fall, trying my hardest to get back up the stairs to change my shirt.
Minutes later, I was standing at the door, waiting for mom to get her keys. I rested my back against the wall, worried that if she took any longer, I would fall, unable to hold my weight up any longer.
The car ride was quiet as we listened to music. Only a few times mom sang to a song, but she was never good at singing to the radio since most of the time it ended up with her mumbling the lyrics, which I found amusing.
"How's dad taking that we are back together?" I asked her, breaking the silence. I knew mom was back on board with me dating Peter, but dad had been so quiet about the issue since that day of the dance.
She shrugged as she turned into the hospital drive. "As well as he can, I think. He thought he was doing well when he shooed Peter away, but I think he realized that was a mistake. I think it's hard for him to let you grow up a little."
I nodded at her as she stopped in front of the entrance of the hospital.
"Well, I will see you later."
I took a deep breath, afraid that I wouldn't have enough energy to get out of the car, but without fearing about it any further, I got out on shaky legs. "See you. Love you," I said as I closed the car door, shooing her off before she noticed anything.
Without waiting another second, I walked into the hospital with my head held high, finding this situation oddly refreshing since I was the one visiting, not the one being visited. I think that this was a first for me as I walked to the front desk to get information. "Do you know what room Anna da Cruz is in?"
The friendly receptionist smiled at me. She typed on her computer for a second then said, "of course! She's in room number 351. Do I need to get someone to show you the room?"
I smiled at her. If only she knew that this place was a second home to me. I probably knew this hospital better than she did, but I enjoyed this second that she didn't recognize me and I wouldn't tell her. "No, I think I can manage. Thank you."
I walked slowly but surely to the elevator. Each step took energy that didn't exist, but I managed to carry onward, knowing that each step was for Anna since I was determined to be for her what I never had. As I walked into her room, I saw her asleep in the bed. Saying nothing, I walked to an empty chair and sat down, prepared to wait as long as it took for her to wake.
Minutes passed by until I saw Dr. Patel walk past the room. He stopped, instantly spotting me, then smiled.
A lot had happened over the two weeks since I last saw him. I never realized that I would miss seeing him around, but as I smiled at him, I realized I did. Why did he have to go to a conference was beyond me, he was already the best he could be. If I could have it my way, he would never leave this hospital.
"Do you have a few minutes?" he asked as he stood in the doorway.
I nodded to him, then looked at Anna to make sure she was still asleep. I had a feeling that she would be asleep for a while so a small conversation with Dr. Patel wouldn't hurt. "Yeah, I have some time," I said and stood up from the chair a little too quickly, causing me to feel light-headed. I stumbled back to my chair, saving myself from falling onto my face.
"Whoa now, take it easy," he said and rushed over to my side to give me aid.
I frowned as I slowly stood up again. "I'm fine. Just stood up too fast," I said with a smile as I tried to reassure him it wasn't anything to worry about.
He wasn't believing me as he frowned at me. "You should know by now that I can see through your fake smiles, Clare."
Well, at least I tried. "Nothing gets by you."
He smirked at me as I followed him out of Anna's room. "No. I have been with you all too long."
<>
I raised my eyebrows at him as we ended in the doctor's and nurses' break room. No one could come into this room unless they worked at this hospital. I should know since I tried a few times to break in, to no avail. But as I stood in the room with Dr. Patel, I felt like such a rule breaker. "You're breaking the rules. You've been around me a little too much," I said with a smirk as I leaned against a wall of the room for support.
He nodded and sat down at the only table in the room. "Yes I believe I have," he shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal and pulled out a chair beside him, signaling me to sit.
My smile slid off my face as I sat down at the table without a word. There was a heaviness in the air that he brought which could mean nothing good. I sighed, bracing myself as I pulled my hair up into a ponytail to get it out of my face.
"Nice haircut. I liked the shaved thing you got going," he said, giving a small smile.
I rubbed my hand against my shaven skull, loving the way it felt against my hand. "Thanks, I like it. I figured if I was losing it again, I might as well have some fun before it goes."
"What? Losing hair?" he asked, confused by my statement.
I nodded at him. "Yes, isn't that one of the side effects?" I asked. That always seemed to be one of the side effects.
He shook his head. "It shouldn't be one. Did you ever read those papers I gave you?"
I looked at him guiltily. He was too smart for any lie I would tell him; it was just easier to come clean. "You know, never got around to it. It's summer and I've been busy."
He made a face of disapproval as he stayed silent for a second. "With a boy?" he asked in a teasing voice. The heaviness disappeared for a second as he smiled at me. He had gotten more light-hearted around me. I felt like I was finally breaking him into a normal person.
"Yes. I have you know," I said with an attitude in my voice.
"No need to be sassy. I was just teasing," he said and gave a chuckle. His smile then fell off his face as the conversation grew more serious once again. "I heard about your trip to the ER. I reviewed the test results that were done while you were here, and, Clare, they weren't great. The new drug isn't working like we originally hoped. I know we were upping the treatments for a few weeks, but I'm not seeing any differences even on the high treatment."
His words sank in, like a dime sinking to the bottom of a pool. I really tried, I really hoped, and nothing helped. I felt myself get lost in a sea of despair. I took a deep breath as I tried to compose myself, convinced that I would not lose it in front of him, not this time. "I thought this would happen," I whispered, my voice barely audible in the silent, empty room.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he tried to think about what to say next. The silence in the room covered us like a blanket but did not aid in raging emotions. "Clare, I am running out of options."
His honesty was a wake up call I didn't want. He was always honest towards me, but never this honest. He always told me to have hope, and that there were options. If he was my doctor and he was saying this to me. It almost sounded like he was giving up, but it wasn't his job to give up. Sure, I could give up, but he could. He was my rock; I trusted him with my life.
I sat still in my chair, holding back tears as I thought of something I could say to make this conversation better. Anything. "Can we stay on this drug for a little longer?" I asked him after what felt like a forever of silence. I wanted some kind of hope, even if it was just a bit to hold on to.
He nodded but his eyes seemed distant as he thought about something. "I was thinking the same thing. But if only three weeks of the drug made your lungs fill up with fluid, I didn't want to risk more damages."
"But if you're running out of options, I want to continue on this path until we find something else. I have hope that this could work, it just needs time." One thing that I always liked about Doctor Patel was that he was always honest. He treated me like a person who could make sound decisions, like an adult, but sometimes I just wanted to be treated like a child.
He raised an eyebrow at me. "You have never said those words to me before, you have hope. Do you really have hope in this?"
I nodded at him without hesitation. I had little a choice, as of right now, that was all I could hold on to. "For the first time in a long time, I believe that there is something to this drug that might just work. I want to stay on it for a little longer. Please? I can put up with the side effects. You know I can. It's going to work, we just need to endure."
He smirked lightly. "That is the first time I think I have ever heard you be confident in a treatment."
I shrugged at him. "Well, there is a first time for everything."
He sighed, then stretched in his chair. "Ok, then we'll continue with this. If you continue to have hope, I will too. Clare, you're my favorite person here, and I don't say that lightly." He smiled as he got up from his chair. "I need to go to a meeting. But I would like for you to come into the hospital for another treatment in three days. Ok?"
"Of course... And can you not tell my parents what you told me? I rather them have hope. They have heard too many hard things these past few years."
He frowned at me as if he disapproved. "Yes. I can do that."
I gave him a small smile. "Thank you."
"You better get out of here before a nurse finds you here and throws a fit."
I raised an eyebrow at him. "And do what? Kick me out?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.
He chuckled. "If they find you, it wasn't my fault." Was the last thing he said before he left the room, closing the door behind me.
I took a deep breath and thought about our conversation. It wasn't working. The treatment was causing more damage than anything else. I was going to die of cancer. Even Doctor Patel was losing hope, I was a lost cause.
As hard as these facts were, they would be my secrets. No one need to know about how the treatment was causing damage to me. They didn't need to know that Patel was losing hope in fighting this or that we were running out of options. I didn't want them to stop acting the way they were currently. I just wanted everyone to have hope, maybe then it would work.
I stayed in that room longer than planned, as I tried to keep my emotions under control. No one would know that I cried my eyes out in this room. With a deep breath, I walked out of the room with a smile plastered on my face.
As I walked into Anna's room, I saw that she was already awake. I smiled at her widely. "Hey friend. How are you doing?" I asked as I sat down right beside her bed.
"Tired. And sore," she mumbled as her words slurred in her mouth, the drugs still having some kind of hold on her.
"How long have you been up for?"
"I don't know. I was in and out of it for what felt like forever. But I feel like I fully woke up 30 minutes ago? More?"
I nodded at her. I didn't realize how long I was gone. It felt like only 10 minutes.
"Did you just get here?"
"Yeah, I did. Sorry, it took me a little longer to get here. You know, traffic., I lied.
There was a minute of silence until Anna spoke up, "so how have you been?"
I laughed at her. My laugh sounded a little too forced. "And you are asking how I'm doing when you're the one in the bed?"
She shrugged at me. "Why not?"
"I'm fine. Just as fine as I could be. You know?"
"Yeah, I know." And just like that, the unspoken words seem to get through to Anna and she understood.
There was a minute of silence as I looked around the room. Something was missing here. Something seemed so different in this room. No one was here except Anna and me. If I had surgery, I would have all my family here, supporting me, with cards and flowers and chocolate muffins. But no one was there for her, there wasn't even a small card. "Where's your family? Shouldn't they be here?" I asked her, realizing that she rarely talked about them.
She frowned, which I don't believe I have ever seen from her. It was unnatural, causing me to shiver. "My mom texted me saying that she had to work longer than expected and she wouldn't be here for another few hours. And you know my dad would never see me."
I frowned at her, wishing that I could say something that would make her feel better. Without family help, Cancer seemed impossible when no one was here to cheer her on. It was just her, alone in this cold hospital.
There was another minute of silence. "Hey Clare?"
"Yeah?" I asked.
She looked guilty, and I quickly thought of the worst. "I may have put your name down for the talent show."
I frowned at her. "You did what?"
"Well, I was here, and I know you have talent. And the list looked so small. It was sad. So I put your name down," she said excitedly, as if it was the best idea she had come up with.
I shook my head at her. I held myself from getting mad. She was just trying to do a good thing. "I should watch you more closely."
She shrugged with a smile. "I know you can do great things."
I nodded at her. Maybe this was just the right push I needed. I shouldn't be scared. I should just go with it. "Thanks, Anna."
There was another minute of silence, and then Anna spoke up again. "Thanks for coming to see me. It means a lot," she said, giving me a smile.
I smiled back at her. I never thought that I would be friends with a cancer patient, not an overly happy one like her. But she was my friend, my only friend, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She was like a ray of sun in my gray life. "I wouldn't leave you here without a good friend."
As the day drug on, we spent it talking about boys, films, and music until Anna took out a sketchbook, flipping it to a blank page. "Could I possibly draw you?" she asked as she took out a pen.
"I don't feel pretty right now," I said, feeling self-conscious of my looks.
She rolled her eyes as if what I said was a joke. "Oh please, come on Clare. You're beautiful. Now let me draw you."
"Ok fine. But let me take my hair out of the pony. I think I look better when it's down," I told her as I took my hair out from the updo.
She turned on her music to some upbeat indie song and saying nothing more, she started working. I sat there quietly for a minute, not sure what I should do. She laughed. "You know, you can move. You don't have to sit like a statue the whole time."
I stretched in my chair, feeling relief flood over me. "Good. I was wondering how long I had to stay still."
She nodded. "Hey, can you look up at that spot on the wall really fast?" she asked as she pointed to a mark on the wall in a corner. I nodded at her and followed her command.
I sat for another 20 minutes in deep thought until Anna spoke up again. "Did it!" She flipped her book to reveal what she made. There on the page was a girl with shoulder-length hair with an innocent look. She was beautiful, but I wouldn't say that she looked like me.
"She's beautiful Anna, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not that pretty. I don't think I can even make that face that you drew," I said honestly to her.
She frowned. She looked at what she just drew and then back at me. "No, you're wrong. You make this face often. Especially when you're talking to someone. I swear, if you keep saying you're not pretty, I'll punch you."
I laughed as I inched away from her to protect myself. "Fine. Ok. I'll stop."
At that moment, my mom walked into the room carrying a bunch of flowers. "Hello dear, how are you doing?" mom asked as she put the flowers on a side table.
"Ok. Clare has been a good friend and has kept me entertained," Anna said as she put down her sketch pad, giving her full attention to my mother.
Mom smiled, proud of me. I was not sure why I was just helping a friend. "Yeah, she often does that for people. She always helps them think about other things to help them relax. It's something she's good at."
"Oh, thanks for the flowers, Ms. Atkins. They are beautiful."
"Anytime Dear," she said and smiled at her.