Hey loves!!
Yay for a quick upload!! Well I really hope you enjoy this chapter, there's alort of emotion and I worked really hard on it so I hope you like it!!
lots of love,
Kate x
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Niall did a spit-take upon hearing Harry's confession, while Zayn tried to hide the fact that he was choking on the surprised, sharp breath he took.
Harry placed his head in his hands, disgusted with himself and what he was doing to people by feeling like this. He never meant to fall in love with Eleanor, it just sort of... Happened. She really was exactly like Louis, but in girl form, and Harry supposed that this was one of the reasons he fancied her. He never meant for it to become anything more than an innocent crush, but seeing her so broken and wanting so badly to comfort her and hold her and promise that everything would be okay, because he was there and would never leave her, just made him feel all the more hurt. He never wanted to her to love him like this - it was a fake lust, driven by the influence of alcohol and emptiness. She never wanted him, and that night wasn't an exception. She didn't know what she was doing, letting the alcohol take control and her sanity waste away. She was repulsed by herself, and repulsed even more by the sight of Harry and the fact that he would lead her to do such a thing. Harry was repulsed at himself, too. He couldn't believe that he slept with her, no matter how good it felt in the moment, it left long term scars and damage to relationships that would take a huge amount of work to repair. He didn't mind working hard to fix these relationships, but he felt as though as soon as he would attempt it, they would crumble down in ruins. He didn't want this. He never wanted it to be this jar. He wanted to love, and be loved, not love and be despised by everyone who has ever meant something to him.
-*-
Louis felt like crying again. He'd been too scared to admit that to himself, scared that as soon as he did he would want so much more, but would only be broken. He felt as though the fans, his best friends, his own mother even, would be disgusted in him. Imagine that, Mommy's star son is gay. A fag. Queer. The hurtful words rung around Louis' head and he began to feel disgusted with himself. I'm not gay though, he thought. He wasn't, it was true. He's always liked girls, would even admit to daydreaming about a certain Megan Fox, but there's just something different about Harry. The way he makes Louis feel so happy and loved, the reason behind Louis' smile. He was the reason Louis believed in himself, the one who would pick him off the ground when he was having a bad day. But he would never, ever feel for Louis the way Louis felt for him. And really, that's what scared Louis. Just knowing that 20 years down the track, possibly even 10, he could still be so caught up in the idea of loving Harry and Harry loving him, that the fact that Harry was happily married to a beautiful girl with children, even, would absolutely tear him apart. He would still look at Harry with so much affection and adoration, but Harry's eyes would always be full on the same looks for his wife. It hurt Louis, to think about the future. He didn't want the time to come where he'd be at Harry's wedding, but as nothing more than the best man.
He'd known for some time that he had unusual feelings for Harry, but it wasn't until 5 minutes ago that he actually admitted it, and not only to himself, but Zayn also. Remembering where he was, he snuck a sideways glance at Zayn. In all honesty, he was surprised Zayn lasted this long. He thought straight after he let his secret slip, that the Bradford lad would jump off the couch in disgust, cursing at him and spitting on him. He thought he might punch him, kick him out, threaten to kill him because liking another man is "unacceptable". He though he might tell him to "get the hell out of my house you dirty faggot, I will not have a raging homosexual in my house."
But Zayn didn't. He looked deep in thought, his expression unreadable. When he spoke, his soft was soft and calm. But it was his words that really shocked Louis.
"Well, love is love. Whether you love a girl or a boy, its love. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve love, just because you feel it for one of your kind, Louis. Don't let them push you down and make you feel like you're disgusting, because you're not. Not one bit. You're an amazing guy with a bright personality, who any girl - or guy - would be lucky to call their own. You deserve to be loved and I know you'll find the one for you one day - whether it's Harry, or someone completely different, you'll find them. And when you do, don't let them go. Love them like you've never loved before, treat them like you yourself want to be treated, and accept them for who they are, because they'll accept you. Don't let mean remarks or dirty looks outweigh the thousands of reasons to please the world with your smile and laughter. Love is forever, and when it's so easy and beneficial to love someone like you, I know you'll find the person who will treat you right. Never miss a chance to tell someone you love them, because when it's too late, you'll live to regret it.
So Lou, keep your head up, fall in love, and live your life to the fullest extent. You're never going to be alone; I'm going to be with you forever, whatever the price may be."
By the time the last word fell off of Zayn’s lips, tears were freely falling down Louis' cheeks. But for the first time in a while, they were happy tears. The salty water flowed down his cheeks, running over Louis’ dry lips, and he couldn’t help but throw his arms around Zayn, whispering “thank you thank you thank you” a thousand times in his ear.
-*-
Niall finally found the courage to speak.
“You slept… with… with Eleanor… and you… l-love her?”
It was a question asked, more to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating than anything. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Harry softly nodded, and hung his head back in his hands. So it was true. Niall let out a shaky, surprised breath. Since when did Harry like – sorry, love – Eleanor? He just couldn't understand it. Couldn't understand how it started, couldn't understand how it evolved. Harry had always had girlfriends, some he would even admit to loving. He'd be sleeping with girls if he wasn't in a relationship. So if he loved those girls, and was always occupied... This Eleanor thing must be only recent, right?
Wrong.
"T-the first time I introduced Louis and Eleanor, was four months after I met her. We had got on so well, I wanted to ask her out, but I had a girlfriend at the time - you remember Megan?" Niall nodded at the memory of brunette Megan. She was lovely. "Well soon enough my feelings for Eleanor got too strong. I couldn't do anything about them back then though, I could never cheat or lie to my girlfriend. So instead, I introduced her to Louis. They were so alike - they went off like a bomb. I thought everything would be fine, he would befriend her and they'd get closer, I was hoping I'd forget my feelings for her. 3 weeks later though, Louis ran to me with the 'exciting' news that he was taking Eleanor out on a date that night. I'm telling you Ni, I don't think I've ever felt so heartbroken. I knew they'd soon get together, they were so alike and honestly so perfect for each other. But I was so jealous, and my feelings for her grew even stronger. I broke up with Megan the next day. I couldn’t keep stringing her along when I loved another girl, just the thought of doing that made me feel so cruel, so... Dirty, I guess. I never meant for my feelings to get to the point where I'd physically do something with her though. I don't know what I was thinking, Niall. I feel so rotten and dirty and just plain empty. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I certainly never meant for them to breakup! That was never my intention. It was such a huge mistake. I was foolish and selfish and Niall, I just don't know how to make everybody see that."
Harry's voice sounded so heartbreakingly pleading that Niall couldn't help but feel guilty for judging the boy so quickly. He wanted to help Harry, he really did. But he just didn't know how.
"Well mate, at the moment, nobody else knows right?" Harry nodded his head, sniffling a bit. Niall could see the tears framing his usually bright eyes. He continued speaking slowly, "So, for now I think... I think you news to stop beating yourself up over it. Yes, what you did was wrong. But you've said yourself that you never intended to do it, and you've said you think it's a big mistake. So you regret it, and really mate, that's all you need to explain. If you weren't sorry for this, we'd all be mad - Lou especially. But you know that what you did was wrong and I think that when the boys find out and talk to you about it, that's what you need to tell them. Tell them from the heart how bad you feel. Let them know. They're your friends, and usually they'll understand without you explaining but this time I think you just need to reinforce how wrecked you are over it. But you need to tell them mate. It's better for you, because you can get it off your chest. And it's better for them to know before they possibly find out from a different source. But I can promise you; those boys and I will always be there for you. It will blow over in time, even if it creates drama now. It will all be okay mate, I just know it."
Harry’s heart ached in his chest as he not only listened to the Irish lads words, but also to the sincerity, confidence and love he said them with. He wrapped Niall in a hug and tried to put on a brave face. Deep down, though, he was more nervous than ever. His brain started to tick with possible reaction of the boys when they find out what he did. He imagined them to feel disgusted, not talk to him for a few days, maybe even weeks. He knew Louis would be the worst. They were already fighting a lot, and despite the fact that Harry hated their screaming matches filled with empty threats, he also hated the idea of having to hurt Louis with something that is so close to him.
Harry didn't know how he'd do it, but he knew that he's need to tell the boys soon.
But would soon turn out to be too late?
TBC xx