Payton awoke to Grace's crying. She quickly roused and took her into her arms. The first thing she noticed was that Grace had wet through her clothing and blankets. She would have to take care of that first. Then she would feed the hungry child. She glanced out the curtained window at the light streaming in. She wasn't sure how long she had slept or if Joshua and Doris would be home soon. Doris had put a pot of soup on in the kitchen to be ready when they returned home so Payton didn't have to worry about dinner. Doris had taken care of that just as she always took care of everything else. Once again she felt like such a failure. She couldn't even keep up with her own house and children.
Her hands moved quickly when changing the baby. Grace was her fourth and she knew exactly what to do. She had even changed the baby in the dead of night without a lantern or candle. She smiled as the thought came to her. She could at least do something. Grace was dressed in a fresh clean diaper and a new gown. Payton smiled at her. "I'm sure you feel much better." she took two blankets and swaddled her. She loved the heaviness of a baby in her arms. It was so soothing to hold a baby so close to your heart and know that you were holding a small piece of heaven. She smiled at the little darling. Her heart swelled with love for the babe in her arms and at the same time her breast began to ache. It was definitely time to feed Grace. Both Payton's breast and Grace's cries were sure signs.
When Grace was finally fed and softly snoring, Payton layed her down in her cradle. She stepped away holding her breath, afraid that even the sound of her breathing would wake the peacefully sleeping baby. When she had stood for a whole minute and watched her sleep, she let her breath out with a loud "Whoosh" She cringed when Grace twisted in her blankets but she didn't rouse. Payton looked around the messy room. Laundry sat in two corners and dust was visible on the dresser and window seal. The bed was unmade and the sheets were in need of a washing. She sighed as she realized that so much needed tending but would have to wait till later or another day. If she started banging around now, while the baby was asleep she would wake her. She stepped outside to the hallway and left the door open. She refused to look in the children's bedrooms as she passed by and made her way downstairs.
At the bottom of the staircase she looked around the sitting room. It needed dusting and waxing. the floors needed a good washing and the windows too. She stood on the bottom step and looked around the room several minuets before she decided to head to the dining room. The dining room and kitchen were the two cleanest rooms in the entire house. Doris had been busy in these two rooms and kept it cleaned behind her. Payton sat down at the table in the kitchen and sighed. She set her elbow on the table top and rested her head in her hand. A cup of coffee would be nice, she thought but was to lazy to get up and get one. So instead, she stared out the window at the sky above. She wondered what the sermon had been about and if the children were good during services. She wondered if anyone asked after herself and the baby... She sighed. She was no longer tired but didn't have the get up and go to do much more than sit. She decided to step out on the porch. She left the door open so to hear Grace if she cried. The wind whipped her skirt and tousled her hair. She couldn't remember the last time she had just enjoyed the feel of the wind on her face. So she stood for a long time with her eyes closed and did just that.
The rattling of a wagon and the sound of clinging chains sent her eyes fluttering open. It was her family. Joshua was driving the team. Doris sitting on the seat beside him. Nathan was secure in her lap and the other two children were standing between them behind the seat. Tommy starting waving at her as soon as he spotted her. She waved back in a grand fashion. Hannah noticed her then and she waved excitedly to her mother. She blew kisses and all but hopped around. It warmed her heart to know her children missed her and loved her so much.
Joshua pulled the wagon to a stop and helped the children and Doris down. He smiled at his wife, tipped his hat and then loaded back up and took the wagon and team to the barn. Nathan scurried up the stairs and into his mothers arms. She lifted him and ignored Doris' frowning face.
"You shouldn't pick him up yet." Doris told her.
Payton chose not to comment. "tell me what happened in church today?" she asked the children.
Tommy sighed, "Just preachin' " he told her with a very board expression. Payton laughed.
Hannah rolled her eyes, "And singin' Tommy!" she corrected. "I saw Patty Lou and she got new hair ribbons!" Hannah exclaimed, "Blue ones!"
Payton could remember when new hair bows seemed so exciting. "Really?" she gasp, "Wow! Bue you say."
Hannah smiled broadly, "Yep. Blue!"
Payton bounced Nathan on her hip, "And were you a good boy?" She kissed his cheek and he giggled and poked his finger between her lips. Payton pretended to chomp down on his finger and he laughed. She then tickled him with her other hand and peppered kisses on his neck while his head was tossed back.
Doris smiled at her, even if she wasn't happy that she was holding Nate. "I see someone got some rest." she patted her shoulder as she passed by her to the doorway. "I'm going to check on this soup and then I'll go change and get dinner ready."
Payton watched her move through the door. She wanted to protest that she could do it but she had spent so little time with her three children since Grace's birth that she couldn't pull herself away from their smiling faces and excited voices. So instead she sat down on the steps and listened as they talked to her about horses and frogs and hair bows. She was trained in listening to Tommy explain that Nate loved to pet the horses after church and it was his job to make sure he didn't get stepped on. He was growing up so fast and so proud of himself to. She was so focused on her son that she didn't hear Joshua's footsteps as he approached.
"Well, you look well rested." he told her. He kissed her lightly on the lips. "Are you?"
Payton nodded and smiled at him. "Yes. I am. It's so nice to be able to visit with the children and not be falling to sleep on them."
Joshua winked at her. "Did you see where Doris ran off to?"
Payton cringed and then sighed. "I should be helping her. She said she was going to check on the soup before heading home to change. I was so caught up with the children's stories and hugs and kisses that I forgot."
He squeezed her hand. "I'm sure she understands but don't you think she might need some help."
Payton flushed. Joshua had never suggested that she didn't pull her part before. Angry tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm sorry for simply enjoying a moment with my children." she paused and then glared at him, "I hate to say it won't happen again but I was beginning to think it wouldn't....." She took a deep shaky voice and turned to her three angels. "I'm sorry children but it seems I have neglected my duties.... I've got to now."
Joshua put his arm up to grab hold of her hand as she passed by, "Payton.... Don't be like that. I didn't mean anything....." She didn't stop she stomped inside of the house and right into the kitchen. She was glad to see Doris wasn't back. So she went to work ladling up soup into bowls and pouring everyone a glass of milk. She heard boots scraping the wooden floor.
"Payton I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were neglecting your chores..." Joshua said.
Payton slammed a bowl down and started to cry, "Apparently you have gone blind then. If you look around this house it is clear to see I have. I'm sorry."
"Oh Payton!" Joshua said and took one step toward her. She held her hand up in the air and even though her back was facing him he knew she did not want him to come to her. So he stayed just where he was. "I didn't mean you couldn't enjoy the children. I simply know how hard Doris is working to help you and...."
"You don't think I can see that? I am exhausted every day! I stay up most of the night rocking and singing and caring for a crying baby. I sometimes have just crawled into bed when I hear Doris banging around down here getting breakfast ready.... And I crawl out of bed and try to come down and help her. If it weren't for her there are some mornings I would have burnt the house down. I fall asleep at the stove!" She turned and looked at him hot tears on her cheeks. "Don't you think I know I am a failure I just don't need you telling me that in front of the children. I have failed them as a mother, you as a wife and this house you so lovingly built me!"
Joshua walked to her then. He wouldn't be put off with a hand gesture of shaking of her head. He took her in his arms. "Shhh Love. I am so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like that. What can I do to help you?"
Payton pushed him away, "You can't. I can't let you help me. Then I would really be a failure!" She took a tray with five bowls of soup into the dining room and returned a moment later. She loaded the milk glasses and a loaf of bread and a dish of butter on to the tray. She took them into the other room and returned. "Your meal is on the table." she told him. "I'm going upstairs to check on Grace."
"Payton?" Joshua asked. "Aren't you going to eat to?"
Payton didn't turn around or answer him. He wasn't even sure if she had heard him. He sighed, "Lord I have really made a mess of things, haven't I?"
Doris returned at that moment and smiled at him. "Are you hungry?" Unaware that anything was amiss.
Joshua marched passed her and out the door. Doris stared after him in shock, wondering what could be the matter.
She went into the other room, surprised to see the soup on the table and the children sitting down to eat. She sat down with them deciding that it was best if she stayed out of this one.