Secret Chapter 3.
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*Corey*
I glanced at Jayden while driving and sighed internally seeing him stare out the window as he gripped onto my hand. When I first took hold of his hand, he protested saying I needed my hand to drive but after having convinced him to take it, his grip had not even loosened for a second. In fact, it felt like he was clinging to me for dear life.
"Babe, it will be alright." I said shifting my eyes from him to the road and back. He glanced at me and gave a half-hearted smile before looking back out of the window. I wished I knew what was going on in his head at the moment. I could not read his mind, but he was also blocking me from linking to him, probably just in case he linked to me by mistake.
Every time I saw Jayden so afraid or isolated I wished I had kept Mike alive longer, just to give him the pain he deserved.
Not wanting to continue bothering him or making it harder for him, I gave up trying to talk to Jayden about where we were going and opted for focusing on the road while squeezing his hand as my mind drifted to a conversation we had had a couple of months ago.
-----Flashback----
I had grown to not hate Finn as much as in the past, but that didn't mean I liked him. He was... cute? Definitely would not say that out loud. He was nice, funny and weird in a way that made people want to pay attention when he did or said something because it could either end up being genius or he could set something alight or badly insult someone by mistake, which was hilarious so it was always fun to be around someone so unpredictable.
He still acted touchy, but that was another thing that was just Finn. He was touchy with everyone. Still, Jayden was way more comfortable with his touching than mine and since we had been together for four months now it had completely gotten to me. It just seemed like he was so much more comfortable with everyone else than he was with me... I guess I could not blame him after how we started out. Maybe visiting that lake was just wishful thinking...
"Corey." I looked at Jayden as he called out to me causing Jason and Zeke to look at me as well. I was at my house with Jason, Zeke, my mate and some of his friends watching a movie, "You okay?"
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" My voice decided to project the complete opposite of what had been said and I shook my head as the guys raised their brows, "I'm going to bed – no, a run." I announced as stood up and walked out of the front door.
I heard someone following me as I headed down the sidewalk but didn't look back to see who it was. It was obvious who was behind me because I could feel them and just their presence excited and riled up my wolf.
"Wait up." Jayden called.
"I can't." I replied, "Go back." Wasn't my leaving an indication that I wanted to be alone?
"Corey, what are you angry about?" Jayden asked running up to my side before slowing to a jog as he tried to keep up with me, it would have made me laugh had I not been so upset.
"Nothing." I muttered.
He gave a low growl as he grabbed my wrist to stop our movement before letting go. My brows rose at him. Did he just growl at me? I'm still a beta, even if we are mated. No one growled at me, whether part of my pack or not.
"What are you angry about?" He repeated. I frowned at him. How did I say this without sounding pushy or overstepping? I did not want to make him uncomfortable, but he was asking...
"Why don't you have a problem with him touching you? It's... upsetting... Every time I'm near you, you push me away. You don't do that with Finn or our friends..." I said feeling my heart pick up anxiously. The reaction felt weird but I brushed it off as my not usually being so honest with people or even myself about what I was feeling. It sucked that he clearly still did not feel comfortable with me. "Why, Jayden?" He was quiet for a few seconds but I waited patiently until he spoke.
"I trust him." I stared at Jayden after he spoke. His eyes were focused on the grass, avoiding mine.
Well... that hurt... a lot... It kind of felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He dropped his hand from my wrist and I bit the inside of my cheek wishing he had not because it made him feel further away.
"You don't... trust me?" I asked softly.
"No." He looked up, "Of course I do. Things are different with Finn and the others." He said.
"Different?" I asked in disbelief, "What? You like him?" I didn't think he did, it just seemed like a good explanation. Not for the others, unless he actually liked everyone more than he did me.
"No, I do not like him that way and yes, different. I know that with him and the others, nothing will happen no matter how close we are. With you –" He stopped before gulping, "With you, every time I'm near you I feel so much, I want you so much and it's terrifying." I opened my mouth but he continued, "I don't want him like I do you. I love being with you but one thing might lead to another, and I want that but I don't. I really... don't, Corey. I want to be near you so badly but it's... hard and scary and it hurts." His voice cracked with the last sentence and I watched him rub his face as his breathing became hard as if he was on the verge of panic.
"Jay," I stepped up to him and took his hands pulling them from his face to reveal his teary eyes. "Calm down..." He nodded at the mumble and began trying to calm his breathing again. I bit my lip bumping my forehead against his for a second, "Jayden, you know I'll never let us do anything you're not ready for." I said.
He shook his head leaning his forehead against my chest; it was obvious he did it just to hide his face now that I took his hands away.
"I don't know if I'll ever be ready, Corey. I can't do that again. I can't. I'm so sorry because it's not fair to you." He sobbed and I felt my heart break.
I grit my teeth glaring at the trees behind him as let his hands go to ran my hands onto his shoulders. I wanted to hug him, but did not want to make him uncomfortable so held back. I hated not having been able to hurt Mike, I wish I had tortured him. I let him off too easy. I wanted him to pay for every time I saw fear in Jayden's eyes when I snuck up on him or touched him, wanted him to pay for every second Jayden stayed up because of nightmares or terror. I sighed slowly listening to Jayden's crying. I couldn't though, he was gone and even if I had kept him alive, no amount of torture would have helped Jayden or changed what had happened to him. Mike didn't get what he deserved but at least we knew for sure that he was gone. With everything he was still struggling with and hiding, at least Jayden did not have to deal with the fact that that man was still around anymore. Hopefully eventually he would be able to heal a little.
As Jayden's crying eased up, I leaned back to cup his face in my hands and lifted his head so he was looking at me again before I smiled. I watched his brows crease in confusion before they softened as his eyes ran over my face. Lifting my thumbs to his cheeks, I wiped his tears away and felt my smile grow seeing how calm he was as he stared up at me. At least I could calm him down.
"You really have nice eyes..." I mumbled. He broke into a choked laugh that caused my brows to furrow in bewilderment.
"What?"
"You said that –" He was cut off by his laughter, "You said that when we were going to the peaks and you were drunk." He chuckled, "And right afterwards you threw up in front of everyone."
"Oh God." I groaned throwing my head while shutting my eyes tightly.
"You think so?" He was still chuckling as I looked down. I did, his eyes were so warm and wide, so inviting despite everything he had been through. They darkened as his laughter stopped though and he glanced back down. I sighed leaning my head against his again.
"Jayden. I'll never hurt you and I'll never let anyone hurt you. I promise. I'm sorry if I seem pushy, but I'm okay waiting however long it takes for you to get close to me... I just get so jealous of how easy it seems with everyone else. That hurts, but it's not your fault." I mumbled.
He nodded slowly and we were quiet for a few seconds before his head tilted up and I couldn't help but laugh when he planted a light kiss on the tip of my nose. I tilted his face slightly more and pressed my lips against his gently for a moment before pulling back.
"You coming back now?" He asked.
"Yeah," I felt slightly embarrassed for having left, but he did not seem to notice that and just smiled as we began heading back to the house. I looked over at Jayden feeling a little fidgety and eventually just decided to ask.
"So uh... can I hold you?"
He looked at me and gave an uncertain smile but nodded.
I sighed in relief and dropped my arm onto his shoulders before pulling him against my side. It was made better by him slightly leaning against me as we walked. He seemed content, which made me happy and I grinned glancing up at the stars while thinking that my night was made, that was until I felt his arm circle my waist. I looked down at him surprised but he was avoiding my eyes again and it made me chuckle.
"Don't say anything, Corey."
That moment definitely made my month.
-----End Flashback----
I held stared at the road hoping the people we were headed to could help. He had gone through enough, he didn't deserve to be haunted by it for the rest of his life.
*Jayden*
I stared out of the window feeling more anxious the further we drove from Inferno territory. Corey and I had been together for nearly six months. Last night when he was over at Inferno he pulled me into Joe's office. I knew he wanted to talk about something serious or he would not be pulling me into a sound proof room.
Turned out he wanted to address my excuses and sudden sicknesses whenever Joe tried to take me to see our pack councillors. He had given up on the pack councillors when I said they were too close to home for me and then suggested seeing a human who had nothing to do with the pack but I got sick on the day. I wasn't faking. The thought of going to them had made me so nervous I threw up, I might have exaggerated the sickness afterwards to the point where Corey, my mom and Joe were worried sick that I had caught something so strong my werewolf cells couldn't fight it. Of course I felt really bad about putting them through that afterwards, I didn't admit to it though.
Corey sat me down in Joe's office and told me Joe had asked him to drive me to the first counselling session and I nonchalantly agreed like my head wasn't spinning and my stomach twisting at the mention of it.
So now there we were, driving to it while I clung to Corey's hand because it seemed to be the only thing somewhat calming me down as the music coming from the radio only made my headache worsen. I was beginning to feel physically sick again. Corey kept the car at a fixed speed and drove carefully while mostly ignoring the gears just so that he could hold onto my hand. It was a little nerve wrecking, but his hand was too comforting for me to let go of at the current moment. Despite how afraid getting close to him made me, subtle contact with him made me feel much safer and calmer than anything else did. I had not told him that.
I swallowed watching people walk down the sidewalk, kids play on lawns and my eyes fell on a couple that were hugging and playing around in a driveway before one of them climbed into a car. I felt bad for not being that way with Corey.
Maybe I shouldn't have been so selfish. Maybe I should have let him get another mate. I should have let him be happy with someone that could give him as much as he could give them.
No.
Even with all those thoughts, I knew I would not change it if I could. I was still being selfish.
"We're here." I was snapped out of my thoughts by Corey's announcement. I didn't look at him but was clinging to his hand like I was about to drown and he was on land. I felt his hand squeeze mine again. "Babe." His voice was soft and sounded concerned. I stared at the brown bricked building in front of us with the doctor's names etched onto a sign in the front used to direct people. "Jayden?" Corey spoke again.
"I-I don't want to." I whispered truthfully.
"Jayden –"
"It's not that I don't trust them – it is a little. But... also... taking about..." I drifted and swallowed the huge knot in my throat feeling tears burn my eyes. "I don't want to, Corey." I whispered.
I felt his hand take my face and turn it so that I was looking at him and realised the tears that had been burning my eyes were running down my face. Damn it. I grit my teeth and looked down. Why was I always so weak in front of him?!
"Hey, it's alright." He lifted my chin, "We can trust them. I'll be right beside you the entire time, if it becomes too much, you can stop, but you have to try to talk about it. You can't keep bottling this up, it good for you." He said, I began to shake my head to continue protesting but he spoke again, "I don't want you to keep feeling trapped and afraid, Jay... if you're scared right now, just do this one session for me? I hate that you're keeping all of that to yourself; I wish I could help you. I can't and I hate that, but I can be there for you and I will. I can never understand what they put you through, but keeping it hidden is only hurting you more and you don't deserve that, please don't do that. You deserve to be happy. Please... just try. Just today." His eyes were tearing up and it made me pained that he seemed so hurt by my being hurt. I hated seeing him so sad and worried.
"Okay." My voice came out in a cracked tremble. He smiled despite himself and I felt my lips twitch into a small smile as I lifted a finger to run it under his eye when one of his tears escaped.
I was happy. With him I was very happy, but I knew he knew I still couldn't stand myself or stop being petrified. He deserved someone who at least tried to be better... I wanted to be with him in so many ways I was terrified about, and he never got upset when I burst out at him or pushed him away.
"Let's go?" He asked carefully.
"Let's go." I repeated with a sigh.
My legs still felt like jelly boulders as we made our way into the reception area but I wasn't as afraid knowing he wasn't going to leave me alone for a second.
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