Hello! Keep an eye out for the bold <> for when to play the song! Enjoy!
I laughed at Farrah as she told me about a story she had about her friends at the pool today. I felt a pang of jealousy because she could swim, but I found myself stuck at the hospital all afternoon with an IV in my arm. More than anything I would have loved to be by the poolside soaking up the sunny weather. Then maybe I would get a tan instead of keeping the same pale color year-round.
It had been three weeks since Peter took me to the bonfire and we had seen each other a lot since then. The more I hung out with him, the more I learned how to better hide my symptoms from him. Peter stopped asking questions, and that was good enough for me.
A part of me thought about telling him about my health. But every time I thought about it, I would get scared of losing all of what we had. I would overthink it, and before I had the chance to open my mouth, I would stop the thought.
But Peter, wow. I had no words for how he had turned into a light in my life. Just thinking about him brought a smile to my face. I know I hadn't dated him for long, but I felt like he was my best friend. I craved to be by his side at any moment of the day. Like a drug, I felt him change me, but for the better. I was feeling more like my old self before cancer came. I felt more carefree and happy not only when I was with him. Since dating him, I focused less on the cancer and more on Peter.
With him helping me, though, I noticed myself laughing more and being more social. I think my parents noticed this as well because dad started complaining less about me spending time with Peter. I think they wanted to see this change in attitude as much as I did.
"Dad and I have to run some errands, then go on a much-needed date. If you need anything, call us. We should be back in a few hours," mom said to both Farrah and me as we sat on the couch together. She opened the garaged door, then put her beat-up black leather oxfords.
I looked up from my phone, then to Farrah. She smiled at me widely. She had been waiting for my parents to go out all day because of a plan up her sleeve, but she hadn't told me yet. "We will," we both said at once.
We said goodbye to them, then Farrah went back to her stories for a few more minutes just to make sure they left. Finally, after her last story, she said, "want to do something?" she wiggled her eyebrows and looked at the window that showed the back yard.
I chuckled at her. She always wanted to do something exciting with me after the parents went out. I liked it, but I wish I didn't have to be so secretive about it. I wish I could go do things with her when they were around without them throwing disapproving looks or stopping us all together. I knew they just wanted to keep me healthy, but they were killing my childhood. "Sure, like what?"
"Let's go jump on the neighbor's trampoline," she smiled widely, as if this was the best idea that she had come out in a long time.
As fun as that idea may have sounded, I was pretty sure I was not healthy enough for the trampoline, even I knew that. I had been feeling off all day long and I knew I probably should take it easy. "Are you sure they are out of town for the week?" I asked her, looking for an excuse to get out of it.
She rolled her eyes at me. "Please, I should know, Clare, I'm watching their cat. They won't be home for another week. So what do you say?"
I looked outside, not wanting to tell her no. I didn't want her to worry about me. Plus, I hadn't gone on a trampoline in forever. I would just be sure to be very careful. "What the hell, sure."
Farrah smiled widely at me then, together. We ran out the back to our neighbor's house and pulled ourselves onto the trampoline. As I jumped with Farrah, I felt like such a rebel. Once again, I felt like I was taking something back for myself and I couldn't help but get excited about it.
I watched Farrah as she tried to jump as high as she could. We laughed when I tried to follow her lead, but I soon got out of breath and my vision blurred.
Just as I was about to stop, ready to take a breather when I felt like someone punched my chest. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I lost my balance and fell off the trampoline onto the hard ground below, feeling my side hit the ground with a loud thump. I didn't have to think about it long, knowing that I would get bruise from it.
I heard Farrah let out a scream then rush by my side as gasped for air that wouldn't come. "Your nose's bleeding. Like bad. Let me get you a napkin." Without wasting a moment, she ran into the house as I gasped with burning lungs on the neighbor's lawn.
I was drowning in panic as tears came to my eyes. I could feel it inside myself. I was going to die right now, on the ground, and there was nothing that could save me.
A second later, Farrah came running back to me. "Here," Farrah said, giving me a napkin with shaking hands. She was no stranger to my terrible moments and handled it with a fairly clear head. But as I took the napkin from her, I realized that fear held her captive, confirming to me that it must be dire this time.
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I felt my hands shake as I held the napkin to my nose, however; I wasn't sure if it was because of fear or something else. "I...help," I spat out at her as blood wetted my hands, falling from the already drenched napkin onto the ground.
"I'm going to call someone," she said then ran back into the house.
I suddenly felt terrified that she left me alone. What if something happened to me in the minute she wasn't here? Being all along, I knew no one could save me. Panic consumed me as I demanded someone by my side to tell me it was going to be ok.
I brought my legs close to my body to make me feel safer. I gasped for air, as more pain filled my chest, brining it to the only thought in my mind. I needed this pain to end.
In a second, she came back out with a towel. She dropped to her knees and held it to my nose. This was the worst nose bleed I had ever gotten. I couldn't control anything at this moment and be that feeling of being out of control scared me more than anything. "Help's coming Clare. Don't worry."
We stayed on the ground for another minute or two as I watched the green bathroom towel turn a sickly shade of red. Light-headedness came to me as my vision blurred even more. I knew that help didn't come soon; I was going to bleed out here.
"Farrah?! Clare? Where are you?" I heard peter's voice ring out.
"We're here!" Farrah screamed out to him.
As soon as I heard Peter's voice call out, my face grew whiter. For weeks, I have protected him from this. For weeks I controlled myself and my secret, but as soon as he would see me, my secret that I worked so hard to keep would be out. I gave Farrah a panicked look. I couldn't hide this from him.
Peter came over to us and dropped beside me with a horrified look. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. If I was ever going to tell him about my health, this was not what I wanted. This was messy, scary, even for me. He was going to see me differently now. The perfect little bouquet that I made myself to be was going to be run over by a car within seconds. Everything that I worked for was over. We were over.
"What happened, Farrah?" Peter asked as his hand gently touch me.
"We were jumping, and she fell off," Farrah cried.
He looked at me, then looked up at the trampoline. "That's so much blood for a fall like this." He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me in the air, into his muscular arms.
I looked at Farrah as I tried to give her a threatening glare but it was no use, she would not stop unraveling my secret. But the thing was, this was my secret that wasn't hers to tell. "No... please... Farrah..." I gasped out.
Farrah looked at me for a second then quickly diverted her eyes, as if ashamed of what would happen next. "She's on a new treatment for her cancer and this might be a side effect. She was overexerting herself. But I don't know, and I'm scared."
He looked down at me and mouthed the word cancer, but remained silent.
I looked away from him, not willing to look him in the eyes. He was going to hate me; I had been with him for weeks and I never once told him why I I had nose bleeds or why I just felt terrible some days. I was constantly lying to him. He wouldn't want to date me now that one move screwed this all up.
Tears ran down my face in force, but I wasn't sure if it was because I feared what would happen between Peter and me or if I would make it through the night.
"Farrah, can you open the door?" he asked as we got to the passenger side of his white ford mustang.
I watched Farrah, on command, open the door and Peter gently slid me into the seat. I looked up at him, but I couldn't read his face as it blurred together into a glob of peach coloring. I closed my eyes, unable to focus on anything.
"Are you coming, Farrah?" I heard Peter ask.
"Yeah. I'm coming."
I listened to the engine start-up, then I blacked out.
I woke up again when Peter gently picked me up out of the car. I noticed we made it into the ER at the children's hospital down town. Feeling even worse than before, I snuggled into his chest, hoping that if I closed my eyes again, this would be a dream.
I felt him run into the building and yell for help. He sounded frantic. I opened my eyes and saw that within seconds there were nurses around us with a bed. He gently laid me down. I shivered as I immediately felt cold without him by my side, warming me.
I looked up at him and frowned at his frantic face. I looked at my shirt, seeing it covered in blood. I was sure my face was covered in this stuff as well. "Clare, can you hear me?" Peter asked as he looked down at me.
I nodded at him even though the world was spinning so badly I could vomit. "Yeah." My voice sounded hoarse.
"Everything's going to be ok. They'll get you fixed." Peter grabbed my hand and kissed it softly, then let me go, but I quickly grabbed back on to his hand.
"Don't leave," I choked out to him, terrified that if he left me here, I would never see him again. I needed to know that even though he found out my big secret, he would still want me.
He gave a small, reassuring smile. "I'll be right here. I won't go anywhere. I promise."
Happy with his response, I closed my eyes, unable to keep them open any longer.
By the time I slowly opened my eyes again, I noticed that I was in a dark room. My head spun from a splitting headache but it didn't stop me from scanning the empty room, hoping to find the one person who promised me the world. My heart sunk as my eyes welled up with tears when I didn't see him.
I knew I would scare him off when he found out was really wrong with me. I knew he wouldn't love the real me. No one wanted to be constantly dealing with a person with cancer. That was not how teenage love went.
"No, mom, I'm not going home. Not yet. Yes. I'll text you when I leave. Ok, yeah ok, bye mom, love you too," I heard a voice say from outside the room.
Within seconds, Peter came into the room with a worn-out face. His hair was a mess, probably because he was constantly running his hands through it. His shirt, wrinkled and stained, hinted that he hadn't left the hospital since he drove me here.
He gave a small smile at me as he sat down next to my bed, then brushed some of my hair behind my ear. "You're awake. The doctors said you wouldn't be up until tomorrow morning."
He continued to talk, but I didn't pay attention to what he said. Instead, I stared at his face as he talked. I watched his mouth curl on the corners and how his eyes crinkled as he smiled. The only thing I could think about was that he was here with me. "You stayed," I said to him with a hoarse voice that hurt to talk.
He nodded. "Shh... just rest ok? I told you I wasn't going anywhere," he whispered as he cradled my hand.
I gave a small smile, hoping that he would stay even when he knew the truth. Maybe I was wrong and he wouldn't see me as weak, but as the same person as before. He might want to still be with me.
"Your parents got stuck in traffic across town when Farrah called them, but they should be here in a few minutes. We've been on the phone with them all evening. Farrah's waiting in the lobby for them as we speak."
I breathed out an 'oh' then closed my eyes, feeling sleep taking a stronger hold on me by the second. I felt warm lips press against my forehead for a second before I was taken captive by sleep completely.
I opened my eyes again to see the sun shining into my room. I saw mom asleep on one of the hideously purplish colored couches that were in my small hospital room. I saw Farrah playing a game on her phone as she sat on the edge of the enormous picture window. She had such a serious look on her face as she pinched her lips together in concentration. "Hard game?" I asked her, but it came out as a whisper.
She looked up from her phone and smiled widely as she realized I was awake. "The hardest. I'm on the last level," she said and stood up from her seat at the window and moved closer to me. "How do you feel?"
I shrugged. I always hated those questions. That meant I had to read my body and I rather not. I rather just push everything to the back of my mind. That was the best way to handle it. "I could be better. Where's Peter?"
"He went home. It was late when mom and dad arrived and I think his mom wanted him back."
I hid a frown that wanted to come to my face as disappointment filled me like an empty glass. I wanted him here when I woke up. I wanted him here with me. "Is dad here too?"
"Yeah, well, he was. He dropped off breakfast before he went into work. You missed him by 10 minutes," she said as she filled me in on what I missed. "Mom stayed the night, and I went home with dad last night. He dropped me off here again this morning."
"Did you bring anything good food from home?" I asked her, hopeful that I wouldn't have to eat the hospital food. She knew by now that I hated the food here just as much as she hated school.
She smiled at me. "I only thought of you when I got this." She reached into a brown bag next to her and pulled out a chocolate muffin.
"You are really the best person on earth," I said and took the muffin from her and ate it.
"I know." She shrugged at me.
Mom stirred and then stretched. She smiled at me for a second. "Oh Clare...."
In that small statement, I knew that last night was not a good one. What kind of terrible thing did my body do to itself this time? "What happened?"
"They had to pack your nose, and they drained your lungs of fluid buildup. You lost a lot of blood last night, enough to have a transfusion. The doctors told us that the fluid in your lungs was one of the rarer side effects of the new drug."
Of course, the rare side effects happened to me. My luck.
"They told us that this could happen again but they said that they want to keep a better eye on this to prevent it."
In other words, I probably would need to take more hospital trips now. I nodded at her, not willing to talk farther about the subject. I knew I was self-destructing, but it was hard to come to terms with it. "Where is Dr. Patel? Did he tell you that?"
She frowned. "He's at a conference in Mexico. He's gone for another week and a half."
I swore mentally. Why did he have to go? This day kept on getting worse. He was the one that I could trust to be truly honest with me. "When can I leave?"
"Today if all goes well," mom replied to me.