Saturday evening was always busy. Everyone was usually getting baths and head washing for Sunday church. Payton normally was busy ironing their Sunday best, laying out clothes over the foot of beds. Joshua would pull the tub in to the kitchen. She would heat the water and he would help her wrestle the children into the warm soapy water. Tonight though Doris had stayed late to help Joshua give the children their baths. Payton was busy upstairs with a very fussy, Grace. She apparently had developed the colic. She cried and cried for hours on end. Nothing helped to calm her, she would nurse and cry, get a diaper change and cry; they rocked her, walked her, bounced her and yet she continued to wail.
Payton knew that she would have no problem getting out of going to Sunday services. She walked from one side of the room to the other; back and forth, back and forth. She bounced and sang. She shushed and even cried herself. As the evening came on the colic got worse. When Grace did drift off Payton was so afraid to move a muscle she would just stay in whatever position she was in for as long as she could. Then she would try and lay the baby down in her crib. More often than not she would wake up and the crying would start all over again.
Payton had just won the battle when she heard the door creak open. She tried to keep the irritation from her face as she turned to see WHO had opened the door. Grace squirmed in her arms just a tiny bit but settled back down. Doris stood in the doorway. He arms rested over her chest and she smiled at her with empathy. Payton watched as Doris tip-toed into the room and sat down on the bed across from Payton.
"I guess you won." she said in a whispered voice.
Payton only nodded her head, afraid that any word she spoke might wake the baby.
"I can take her so's you can go eat your supper. You done been up here over an hour and everyone else done ate. I cleaned up the kitchen and we bathed all the younguns. I left a plate setting on the stove, probably cold by now but you need something. Don't want to go drying up."
The older grandmotherly woman held her arms out waiting on Payton to hand her the baby. Payton hesitated. In the beginning Doris hadn't shown much interest in holding Grace and so in the weeks to follow Payton had been cautious of asking her to take the child. This had resulted in Doris spending very little time with Grace and even less with Grace in her arms. Payton had realized it but she was making it so that Grace was very attached and very reliant on herself and she was beginning to refuse others' arms. Even her own father's.
Payton reluctantly handed the baby over to Doris. "I'll only be a few minutes." She told the older woman.
"Nonsense." Doris said, patting the baby's bottom and rocking back and forth. She smiled down on the child and then looked up to Payton, "Go on down and eat. Visit with your husband and kiss your other children on the heads, say a prayer over them and then you can come back. If we need you before then, You'll know it."
Payton sighed, she stood holding a small quilt in her hands. She wasn't sure what to do with it so she threw it over both Doris and the baby. "I'll be quick." she told her again. She took two steps away and turned back to check and make sure Grace hadn't started to stir. She hadn't and Doris looked happy to have her... Maybe Payton had simply dreamed up this notion that Doris didn't want to hold Grace or have anything to do with her.
Payton left the door opened a few inches and stood by the door to listen. She could hear the creaking of the bed as Doris stood and then her footsteps and the creaking of the rocker. Then she could hear Doris humming as the rocker creaked against the floorboards with the weight of Grandmother and baby.
Payton pushed open the kitchen door. Joshua stood only a few feet away, hair wet and shirt clinging to is wet chest. He smiled at her as he combed a hand through his glistening hair. Payton realized it was time for him to get a hair cut, probably the boys to.
"Your in need of a hair cut." she said as she closed the door and took the four steps to the stove to retrieve her plate.
"I see your finally eating." he observed.
"It's cold." she told him, "But I need to eat."
"Grace is settled down then?" he asked
"Doris is rocking her. I don't know if Grace will ever settle down." she laughed lightly, "I'm so tired and I don't know what to do with her. I really just want to sit down and cry with her at times. But of course that wouldn't do anyone any good." she didn't want him to know that that was exactly what she did on occosion.
Payton looked up to see Joshua studying her. "You're exhausted, Payton." he said, "You need to rest and this house and the children are almost too much for Doris. She is exhausted to. Let me hire someone to come and help with the baby and the children..."
"NO!" she said to quickly. Joshua raised an eyebrow. Payton hurried to explain. "I don't need anymore help. I'll be fine. It's colic. Doris said its colic. It will pass..." She walked into the the dining room, the kitchen door swinging closed.
Joshua followed her, "I think you could use the help, Payton. We could hire someone young. She could share Hannah's room. That way maybe you could rest some at night. She could walk and bounce Grace part of the night..."
"NO. I said I could handle it. Grace isn't the first baby to have colic! I don't need or want any help Joshua. Doris does to much as it is. I would rather do it all on my own." Payton sat her plate down forcefully. A couple of carrots fell out of her plate and on to the table.
Payton sat down, folder her hands and mouthed a silent prayer of thanks for the food, asked God to help her be a good, kind, loving mother to all of her children and a good wife to Joshua. She silently begged him to heal Grace and make her normal and then mouthed her "Amen."
Joshua had bowed his head, waiting on Payton to finish her prayer. When he saw she was finished he said. "I'm not implying that you can't do it on your own Payton but I just hate to see you so tired and worn out. I have the extra money...."
"I said no, Joshua. Can you please just let me care for my home and children myself?" she snapped.
Joshua took a step back. Payton had never spoken to him in such a manner. Even when he had expressed his feelings about her pregnancy in the beginning. She sounded more angry than hurt. She wouldn't even hear of asking for outside help. Joshua would have to pray about the situation. Maybe Doris would have some sort of suggestion if he spoke to her. Maybe she would know why Payton was being so stubborn about this.
Joshua watched as she ate her meal in silence, alone. He had no clue that that was how she felt these last couple of weeks since Grace's birth. Alone.
Payton had prayed and prayed. Begging God to interfere and heal her daughter. She had bargained with him even with her own life, knowing full well what it would do to Joshua and the children if she were to die but it would all be worth it if Grace were normal.
During those long hours through the night when Grace screamed and screamed and she had come to the end of her rope, alone walking the baby back and forth from one end of the downstairs to the other she would ask God why he didn't hear her. Why if he wouldn't make Grace normal, why wouldn't he just let her quit crying? Payton knew that Grace's colic had taken its toll on her, she was sure that with the little sleep she was running on and the cold meals she was taking, her appearance and her nerves were taking the brunt of it.
She would sit and cry holding Grace when the crying lasted for longer than an hour and the moon was trading places with the sun. She didn't know anything more to do. She would pray until she had nothing left to pray and then she would cry until no more tears would come. Usually she would just be making her way to bed as Joshua was climbing out.
Recently she hadn't even went upstairs she would just lean back on her settee and sleep would over come her. She would be to exhausted to care that she didn't have a blanket or that her neck was in a bind. Usually when she woke up she was sore and aching but she had slept and that was worth the pain.
Payton finished up her meal with Joshua standing over her watching. She wanted to ask if there was something bothering him but honestly she didn't have the energy and she was afraid of what he might say. What if he attributed Graces crying to her condition? What if he had put it all together and now he wanted to confront her? Maybe he had finally seen the truth and wanted to know what had happened to his daughter. So she said nothing. She didn't ask him if something was bothering him because she was a coward.
Payton swallowed the lump in her throat and the tears that pushed at her eyes and she stood up. She picked up her plate and headed to the kitchen. She quickly washed the plate. She knew Joshua had followed her back into the kitchen and stood by the doorway watching her.
"I'm sorry I was so short earlier." she said keeping her back to him. "I just don't want anyone else poking around here." She regretted her choice of words as soon as they hit the air.
"POKING AROUND?" Joshua asked, "What does that mean, Payton? Has Doris done something to upset you? Has she made you feel uncomfortable?"
Payton sighed and started to dry the dish. "No. Nothing like that. I just would rather be here alone like it was before Grace was born. It's not that I don't appreciate Doris' help its just a woman likes to take care of her family on her own. I already have Doris' help I shouldn't have to have help from yet another woman to do my chores and take care of my own children."
Payton set the dish down and turned to find Joshua only a foot in front of her. She jumped and grabbed hold of the wash stand. "Joshua!" she gasp, "You frightened me. I had no clue you were right there."
Joshua closed the space between them. "I'm sorry Payton. I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't take care of our home and children I simply don't like seeing you so exhausted if there is anything I can do to help..."
"But there isn't." she said and placed her hands on his chest to push him away, "Now, I need to go and relieve Doris so she can get home and in bed herself." She pushed against him but he didn't budge. Instead he leaned closer to her, pressing his body against hers.
"Payton, do you realize that this is the first moment in almost a month that we have had alone without someone around, Doris, or one of the children or Grace not crying?"
"No, I hadn't. I'm sorry." it was cold to her own ears. She saw that Joshua heard the coolness in her voice also.
He stepped back, "Have I done something?"
Payton quickly kissed him to reassure him. "No, no. I'm just... I'm so tired and I don't like leaving Grace. I like to be close to her..."
"You act like Doris doesn't know how to take care of a baby..."
"Its not that its just that Grace.... She likes me around." Payton said quickly. "I should look in on the other children. Kiss them goodnight, even if they are asleep and then let Doris get home and in bed. I'm sure she's exhausted too."
Joshua stepped aside allowing room for her to pass. He could tell something was wrong with his wife he just wasn't sure what it was. He was going to speak to Doris about it and soon.