Chapter Thirty Four
Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls
(Hoping you'd call)
It's just a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all...
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
What is happening to me?
I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
-Zayn & Taylor Swift
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt like this morning took much longer than it should. I was awake the whole night. I was pretending to be asleep. And he knew that I was not sleeping but he respected my privacy.
He was on his phone when I woke but he hung up after realising that I was awake.
"Faith..." he started talking to me but I just pointed a finger at him before walking over to the bathroom and locking myself in. I took a deep breath and allowed everything that has happened to settle inside me. I came to realisation that I had to face him now. I kept running away but at this point, I felt like I had no other choice left. I was scared.
I walked out of the bathroom, and back into the bedroom after freshening myself up in an attempt to match his god like beauty.
There were two cups of coffee set on the table.
And he was still sitting on that uncomfortable chair.
"You should rest on the bed for a while" I said to him.
"I am alright Faith. How are you?" God! His voice.
I gave him a tight smile. Arse! You are an arse Faith!
"So..." I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe.
"I have so much to tell you." He said under his breath.
"What is it?"
"It was all a lie" he said looking me in my eyes.
I just gave him a fake laugh.
"Really? After all this! This is what your explanation is?"
"Let me fucking explain!"
I gave him a weak nod.
"First of all, Victoria and I are not together!"
"I can see that." I gestured with my hand.
"No Faith!" He ruffled his hair in frustration.
"We never were."
"What do you mean?!" I was really getting tired of him puzzling me.
"It was all fake....I did that...I did that for you."
"Bullshit" I sneered.
"Please let me explain!"
"It was the only way to protect you."
"Protect me? From what, Zayn?!"
I finally said his name out loud and it felt like a big stone was lifted off my chest. I felt hopeless and melancholy. I knew he didn't realise but it was something I was keeping inside me. Him....I was keeping him inside and now it's out in the open. I don't know where I will go from here.
"Faith....there are people who have been blackmailing me for a very long time." That stirred something in me.
"Why?"
"They have the video clip of me rushing you to the hospital. They knew about your...your" He stumbled for words.
"My what!?"
"Your suicide attempt."
My blood went cold.
"Faith..." he took my hand in his. His hand was warm, just like it always was and it helped me to stay calm.
"Go on."
"And they were very particular about sending that video clip to the news channel. They knew that I love you and they knew that it would break me. That was the easiest way. They don't want anything. They just want to ruin me and us."
"What Victoria and I did was the safest way to divert the media's attention and meanwhile my staffs were busy tracking down that blackmailer."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just couldn't. I couldn't risk your life and your insecure nature didn't help."
"My insecure nature!? Bullshit Zayn! Look, if this is some made up story to save your ass, you are wrong."
"Are you fucking kidding me? Faith, I couldn't tell you. You get upset very easily and what if you took all the blame on yourself and did something stupid again? That's why I didn't tell you. I should have but I just couldn't"
It all made sense now.
"Did you find the blackmailer?"
"Actually we received a call this morning and we think that we might have found something. Torres went back to check on that."
"But this all 'not telling me about your plan' actually didn't work out for you." I said looking out in a distance.
"Oh!" He coldly laughs
"This is the worst planning I have ever done." He said and punched on the wall with his fisted hand.
"Jesus! What is wrong with you?"
I took his hand, the one which he just used to punch the wall.
"Faith, I am so restless without you." I looked at him and he was crying.
"I know, me too."
"Why did you leave me? Without even telling me?"
"I had no option Zayn... You... You betrayed me and ruined everything we had."
"I didn't... I did what was right. I did that to save us...to save everything....to save you from this cruel world where I pushed you in."
His words broke me and I started crying as well.
"I love you Zayn...and I promised you that I would never do something wrong again. Why didn't you trust me?"
"You were the reason I tried that the first time. I had been through hell from the day I was born and you know that, I had been strong but you—you crushed me to the core when you left me in that apartment. Nothing mattered to me more than you at that time and that was my escape from the suffocation I was feeling with every breathe I took. You! Only you."
"And I promised you after that incident I would never do that again. And I never did, even when you betrayed me."
"I didn't betray you."
"I just came to know that, Zayn."
"Please forgive me, Faith. I am so sorry."
"Zayn, you don't trust me and yet you claim that you love me? It hurts, you know? It hurts so badly! It hurts that you trust some other girl more than me?! You were saving me from the monsters which were outside but what about the ones I am dealing with everyday? You should be the one helping me overcome them but you made it worse."
"Faith, babe, please listen to me... I am sorry. I know I fucked up bad this time. But I was only protecting you. Please understand that my intentions were right. I love you, Faith."
I just placed my head on his shoulder. I couldn't process anything. I just needed him right at the moment. This is fucked up. I didn't know what to do but I still wanted to stay close to him and I wanted to run away from here and from everybody. My head ached from all those information.
We stayed like that for I don't know how long until he decided to speak again. "Faith will you come back to London with me?"
I opened my eyes and my hands were still wrapped around his back. I slowly release the grip I had on him and sat straight. He was staring at me and just like always, his face never ceased to amaze me. He was so handsome, and his beauty took my breath away.
"Will you?" he asked me again in his slow, soothing voice.
"I don't know..." As I said those words, I saw the glimmer of hope in his face fading away.
"I don't know Zayn....after all this, I got to know that you don't trust me enough. You are scared... that I will do that again. I promised you... I fucking promised you! You still don't believe me! How can I come
"You think this is all about you? Why are you not even considering what I was going through the past few months? Like a fucking maniac, I was trying everything possible to save us! To save you from this entire media and it's all for nothing! I love you... And I never loved anyone else like I love you and you don't even appreciate or value it? I was so confident that when I finally get the chance to explain to you about this, you will forgive me. But no, you don't even consider my efforts, Faith!"
He was crying and his face was red with anger. The hurt in his eyes was crushing me.
"Zayn... I..."
"No, Faith...I am tired, I am fucking tired! I did all this for you. To protect you. I know my approach was wrong. I know I should have told you. I can't even imagine what you must have felt at that time. But whatever I did... I did it because I was scared. I couldn't lose you. I will literally do anything to protect you even if I have to lie to you. I know my planning went wrong but please understand me for fuck sake!"
He buried his face in his hand and he was weeping like a child. I have never seen him this helpless.
Fuck this. I couldn't control this any longer. His words knocked some sense into me and made me realize that the least I could do now was to respect the love he had for me. I know he was not right but what I was doing was much worse than anything he has ever done. I pulled him up and looked him in his eyes. My heart was beating so fast that it wouldn't even have been a surprise if he heard my heartbeats.
I moved closer and kissed him lightly.
Everything froze and it felt like it was only our breathing that was tangible in the air.
He was so shocked and kept on blinking, before murmuring "Faith..."
"I am sorry" I said and kissed him again with much more tenderness. His hands were shaky as he approached my back and pulled me closer. He began to kiss me and damn! I missed him.
I forgot about everything that was happening in our lives. I just wanted live in the moment.
I pulled on his hair, and bit his lip, making him groan into my mouth.
"I missed you" He said between our kiss. His hands were still shaky and he was very nervous. He was like a teenager who was trying to kiss a girl for the first time. I pulled away just to realize that he was still crying.
"What happened?" I asked him, placing my hands on his cheeks.
"I never thought I will ever kiss you again. I thought I lost you."
God! He was so raw and open right now it killed me to see him like this.
"Where would I go if not for you? You always save me, Zayn" He smiled slightly.
We had so much to do and so much to fix. But in that moment, nothing mattered but us. I didn't know how it will be to go back and face everything. But I know that I have to go and be with him and support him. He has always protected me, and now it's my turn to protect him.
"I love you, Faith."
"I love you, Zayn."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello lovelies, first of all this is not the end, there is one more chapter left (i guess)
and thank you all for keep asking when i am going to post. last few weeks had been rough and i just couldn't find time to write. i hope you all understand.
p.s. you gotta appreciate the new fifty shades darker song !
love you all....vote and comment if you like xo