I woke up to the sound of the wind through the window. I walked towards it looking through the shiny, cold glass. Donny walked in the room wearing a jacket, he looked like he was on his way somewhere.
"Let's go somewhere to eat breakfast."
He smiled.
"No thanks." I refused his offer as I didn't want to go out of my room.
"You need to go out you can't just sit like this." He said, concerned.
"I can't, I just can't go out." I sighed.
He walked towards me as he pulled me into a hug.
"I'm sure Blake wouldn't want to see you like this." He said trying to convince me.
A tear slipped my eye as I walked to my closet. I picked out a grey sweater and some light jeans. I picked up my black converse followed by my leather black jacket. I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and picked up my cellphone. We walked out the door as I followed my older brother Donny. He walked up to his car as I hopped in the passenger seat. He sat on the drivers seat and started the car he looked at me and smiled, trying to cheer me up. He then turned on the radio as we started to drive. Music started to play. The same exact song came on from the day I was in the car with Blake as we drove. I quickly turned it off as Donny looked at me suddenly.
"What's wrong?" He asked concerned.
"Nothing can we just not listen to music. Please." I said looking out the window. He nodded understanding and continued driving. We drove in silence as I felt depressed the whole drive.
We finally reached a stop as Donny parked in front of a coffee shop. We both walked out of the car. The cold air hit my skin as we walked through the door.
I took a seat at a free table that was just beside the window. I sat waiting as I looked out the window. About 10 minutes passed as Donny walked towards the table with 2 cups of coffee and 2 blueberry muffins. He sat on the chair in front of me smiling. He handed me the hot cup of coffee and the muffin as he took a sip of his own, I didn't touch my food.
"Not hungry?" Donny asked drinking his coffee. I didn't answer him. I didn't feel like talking, I just wanted to be alone.
"You can't starve yourself forever." He said putting his coffee back on the table. I kept my head towards the window, my face showed no expression as I just looked at the people passing by. "Come on." He said. I don't show any reaction. Nothing. I was only in my thoughts. The one that haunt you all the time. The ones that don't leave you live freely. It will never be the same. Never again.
Donny got up as he walked towards me. I did the same as we walked out and stepped back into the car. He looked at me and sighed in disappointment.
"Look, I know it's hard, I understand, but you have to stop treating yourself this way, you're hurting yourself from the inside and got us all worried. I'm not sure Blake would want to see you like this. Please just stop thinking about the past and try to live." He said. Again, I didn't show any emotion. I didn't give an answer. He started the car and drove. We drove home as he stopped the car in front of the front door. He parked the car and I got out. I rushed to the door as I opened it and ran to my room. I sat in the far corner staring at the wall as I rocked back and forth. Donny came in the room. His eyes widened when he saw me. That same vision haunted my mind again. The same blood stains all over again. I imagined the blood on my wall as I started to get a little sweaty, I felt the walls closing in on me as I rocked back and forth even faster this time. Tears strolled down my face as I saw it happening again. Donny came towards me as he picked me up and placed me on my bed.
"Close your eyes." He said. "It'll be fine" he continued. He walked out of the room. I could see in his eyes that he was worried and concerned. I closed my eyes but kept seeing the scene. I couldn't help it anymore I was tired. I couldn't help living with myself when I knew that I did what I did. I couldn't help but blame myself all the time. I was selfish. I don't deserve to live. I wish I would have died instead of him. I can't live with myself anymore.
I got out of bed..as I was sure of what I was about to do. I knew what I had to do. It's for the best. I walked out of my door and started walking down the small hall way that led to the living room. My bare feet walked on the cold wooden floor. I walked out the front door as I left the door open. The cold air hit my skin as I walked on the gravel ground. I climbed up the tree in front of my house and climbed on my roof.
I stepped on the edge as I thought. Why do I feel this way? Why is this happening to me? Am I ever going to be happy with the person that I love? Or is this feeling all I know?
I had dreams and wishes. I used to imagine how my life would be but I never thought it would end like this.
I came closer to the edge. Fear took over my body as I knew what was about to happen.
I walked closer and closer until all I had to do was jump.
I looked down at the ground as I closed my eyes.
I jumped.... But....