HAPPY DIWALI!
May you get the happiness you deserve and this Diwali light your life with hope.
"Nisha wake up!" A voice entered my thoughts, but ignoring, I snuggled deeper into my bed. "Nisha, get up!" The blanket was snatched from my stomach, making me glare at the person for doing this. Mom smiled at me, nodding her head to the door.
What was she doing here?
Wasn't she dead? Confused I got up from my bed.
"Mom?" I drawled out. "What—?"
"What? Get up. Udisha is waiting for you." Her name died all the protest in my mind. Udisha? What's happening? Mom, she died eleven years ago and you died, one and half a year ago.
She didn't hear my protest and went out of the room. Scared, I gazed around my room, and everything constricted in my throat. It was my old room. What's happening? What was I doing here? But what—
I screamed, seeing the photo frames, grazing my study table. It was our family photo. Mom, dad, Kabir, Udisha and me.
What's happening? Where was I? What's happening? I must be having a dream, but I wasn't waking up from it.
Maybe what I had seen was a dream. Maybe nothing like that ever happened and all I was living in a nightmare of the things I was most scared of. It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Meant Rahul was alive, nothing happened to him, nothing happened to me. I wasn't kidnapped, no knife was plunged into my stomach. Oh god, Rahul. I needed to see him. I needed to see everyone.
Running, I climbed down the stairs, hearing the peals of laughter coming from the dining room. With heavy steps, I entered. Everyone was there. Mom, dad, Kabir, and Udisha.
Udisha.
"Di," I mumbled. She turned her head to me, grinning. She looked the same. Black hair, brown skin and brown eyes with a smile to make anyone believe she was innocent to the core.
"Nisha Oberoi, aren't you early?"
She was here. Meant that accident never happened, Kabir never blamed himself, he wasn't sent to the hostel, he didn't experience bullying and he never smoked.
"Yeah," I said, acting with the flow, but I couldn't contain my happiness and hugged her tightly. "Di, I missed you." Tears grazed my eyes but I blinked them again.
"Smarty head, I was just gone for a week."
"But it felt like forever," I mumbled against her shoulder.
"Nisha, no!" Kabir said from across the table. He wasn't wearing his formal clothes, but a blue button-up shirt and jeans. "Do your lesbian things later."
"Shut up." He had no idea what nightmare I had seen, and he would be scared too if I tell him about it. It scared to know what I had seen because it was full of pain, grief, torment, and things I couldn't remember or had no desire to remember.
It was just a nightmare.
Forget about it, Nisha.
"Mom, dad." I hugged them next, feeling emotions bubbling at my throat. "I missed you too. I'm so sorry for always troubling you. I'm sorry I said I hate you. I love you."
"Where is my daughter? What have you done to her?" Dad placed his cutlery fork on the plate, grinning at me. "Still no for the alone trip. This is not because you're a girl, but I'm worried, okay? I would've said no to Kabir too."
"It's okay. Just you two don't leave me again, okay?" Emotions rolled down my tongue. I should stop before I start crying in front of them.
His eye softened and my mom rubbed her hand on top of my head.
"We never left."
You had no idea.
"Where's my hug?" Kabir sentence made me change my gaze to him. "Don't I deserve it?"
Walking, I hugged him as well.
"Thanks for always handling my tantrums and demands. You're the best twin brother in the world."
"That I know." He grinned, flicking my forehead with his thumb. "I love this Nisha better than the screaming one."
Laughing, I joined him next on the table. This was us. Our family, forever and always. I smiled, feeling the sense of belonging again. Everything seemed right in place. This was where I was supposed to be from the start. With my family, joking and laughing along with everyone.
Alina would be so happy to meet all of us together.
"Kabir, you coming today?" Dad asked him, making me halt my breakfast.
"No, I'm not free."
"Why?" Dad strained voice made me frown.
"What? I've better things to do than work." Shocked, I snapped my head to him. "I'm so stoned with that party last night. Some other day, dad."
"Kabir, you're going to be twenty five. Do you've any intention of doing work or not?"
"I will chill out. You're such a control freak. You're doing work. We've enough money. Mom, say something. Why is he always troubling me for work?"
"Kabir, he's right. You can't just stay at house, party all night and roam."
"Ah, not one day you people let me be happy. What's deal with you both? I should leave this house only," He hissed.
"Kabir—"
"Udisha, I'm not talking to you."
He got up from his chair while I sat on it confused. What was dad talking about? Kabir didn't chill out or anything. He worked along with him, had been doing since he joined college and never did he talk in such a way to dad and mom. He respected and loved them. He loved mom too much that he hated whenever I screamed at mom. Today, he was screaming. What's happening?
"I cannot work always."
"When you'll be dead, then talk to me." Kabir rolled his eyes and grabbed his jacket from the kitchen counter. "I'm heading out with my girlfriend if you'll excuse me."
"Say, Alina, I missed her."
Kabir stared at me in confusion. "Who Alina?"
"Your girlfriend."
"I don't have any girlfriend with name Alina. I never had any. Nisha, did you hit your head? I know you hate Natasha, but really Alina?"
"Stop joking." I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not joking." Something was off about everything in here. "My girlfriend name is Natasha Goel. The one I had been dating for about a month."
"The one we all hate," Udisha snarked, rolling her eyes. "She is a stuck up bitch. Kabir baby, please gift me a ring on my birthday. Baby, I love this dress, please buy me one. She's living on your money, bro or I should say dad's money."
"She's not," He defended. "She's a great girl."
"By great you mean?" Udisha promoted. What the fuck was happening? "Does she help others?"
"What? I'm looking for a girlfriend, not a social worker. I cannot handle those dramas that come with them. One time, I dated this girl. She was sick, okay? It's a burden being with a girl who had a bad past."
"Just shut up both of you!" I shouted on the table, turning everyone's attention to me. "Where is Alina? Nice joke. I wonder what Alina has to say."
"What Alina?" Kabir asked again. "Why are you taking this name?"
"Your fiance and my best friend, Alina. Average height, wear black specs, black hair and an innocent face. She colors her hair to take control on her life, she has tattoos, and her back tattoo made you angry once because you thought she ruined her skin, you hate whenever someone talks ill about her, you think she is the best cook after mom. She likes to read and is a writer and you've been in love with her since eighteen. You even went to Bangalore with her."
"Whoa!" Kabir laughed, joining me on the table. "Nice story but I never to Bangalore. I studied in New York. Have you forgotten? Fiance? Love? Are you thinking to be a writer instead of an artist? Good job, sis."
"Kabir, wait! I should call Alina only to punish you."
"Nisha," Udisha called my name with a troubled smile. "Kabir is telling truth. There's no Alina, never was in his life."
"See?" Kabir waved his hands in the air.
"Show me your camera."
"What camera?" He asked dubiously.
"Now don't say you don't photograph."
"I don't photograph. Why would I do something I'm not good at?"
What the hell?
"Mom, I see both of them after hospital."
She choked on her food. "Why hospital? Are you okay?"
"I'm a doctor."
"Since when?" Dad asked.
"Sis," Udisha laughed. "To be a doctor you need had to take Medical, but I'm sorry you're eight years late."
"Then what did I do?"
"Humanities," She replied. "And then you took a degree in Fine Arts and you had been painting ever since. God, Nisha, did you have a memory loss?"
Set back, I stared at my family. What's happening? Why everything seemed too confusing? I needed to clear things out before they messed up with my head badly.
Ignoring them, I faced dad. They both had banded together to make fun of me today and pull my leg. This wasn't the first time They always did this, annoying me and then laughed at my back.
"Dad, look what they're doing. You should call Shekar uncle and tell him to never let Alina come to this house." I stuck my tongue at Kabir.
"You're talking about that Alina?" Dad seemed confused. "Nisha she died seven years ago."
"What?"
"Poor girl, but she killed herself."
Kabir sighed, rolling his eyes and got up from his chair, but I couldn't process what mom said. Alina died? Why would she kill herself? And how could Kabir let this scene unfold? This joke was going out of hands.
"It was quite scandalous. No suicide letter or anything. That girl was crazy if asked me. She never talked to anyone, never seen her in any social gatherings. Dhruv was stuck on her for a stupid reason. She was walking sign to stay away from her." Kabir words shocked me. "If it wasn't for her diary, nobody would've known the real reason."
This reality seemed more complicated than I imagined. I stared at all of them in confusion because what's happening? Rahul, he would explain everything to me and change the stupid thinking of Kabir.
As if my wish was granted, Rahul entered the dining room along with Dhruv and Harshit. Harshit? What was he doing here? Didn't he know what they would do to him? Wasn't he charged to stay away from me?
"Rahul, see they all are lying about Alina being dead."
"Who Alina?" He grabbed an apple from the table.
"Ignore her, she has gone mad. Harshit, help your girlfriend." Girlfriend? "She's talking shit. She's making me join with a dead girl."
Harshit sat next to me, greeted mom and dad. "What is he saying?"
"What are you doing here?" I asked him harshly and then pointed my gaze to Rahul. How could he handle Harshit sitting next to me and touching my hand but he appeared immune to it.
"Burn," Rahul smirked. "Looks like your girlfriend hates you."
"Shut up, Rahul." I took my hand out of his grip.
"I'm not your girlfriend, Harshit. Get out." I changed my gaze to Kabir. "What's happening to you? How could you let him sit next to me after what he did?"
"What he did?" Kabir grabbed Harshit's shirt. "I told you to not hurt her. Tell me, Nisha, what he did?"
"I didn't do anything. Nisha, what are you saying? Last night everything was fine."
I stood up from the chair, letting it fall on the floor.
"Rahul, what's happening here?" I demanded.
"Who knows, princess? I'm not your servant. You're the one acting weird. I should go and take this call."
"Ah, your wife calling?" Udisha's question made him smile. Wife? He got up and left the dining room whilst I stared at his disappearing figure.
"He's married?" I shouted.
Everyone gazed at me confused, but it was Dhruv who replied me, "Yes. It has been a month. Nisha, you were there."
I caught my forehead. What's happening? What the fuck were they all talking about? How could Rahul be married? He loved me and I loved him. Why would he marry someone else?
Harshit caught my hand, and angered, I slapped him.
"Don't you understand of leaving? Get out! All of you have gone crazy!" Yelling at him, I ran to my room, banging the door in return. Quickly, I took out my laptop, switched it on and opened google and searched for Alina Gupta suicide.
The news came flashing up and I clicked on the first link to read the news. When I was at the end of the article, I cupped my mouth. He was telling the truth. Alina died. She killed herself by slitting her wrist. No, it was a lie. Was this a nightmare or the one I was living in?
Someone knocked on my door.
"Sis, it's me." Hearing Kabir's voice, I pushed laptop to the bed and opened the door and hugged him.
"She's dead. Oh my god, she's dead. How she died? Kabir, I'm so sorry. You loved her."
"Nisha, this is going out of hands now." He broke his grip on me and made me sit on the bed. "I never loved her. I didn't know she was your friend. In the start, it was fun but not now. You slapped Harshit. That wasn't fun."
"But Kabir how could you forget what he did? His friends made my video, remember? He left me with them."
"When did this happen?"
"What are you talking about? His friends are in jail, forgot? Also, you fought with Harshit and don't ask how much he bleeded."
"I've no idea what you're talking about." He stood up from the bed, inching back from me. "You should sleep, but let me tell you everything, okay? I don't know any Alina except that pyscho girl, Harshit never did anything like this, Rahul is married, you're not a doctor, but a painter and I never photographed."
He left the room, living with thoughts, but then after few minutes, everything started clicking in my mind. Before Udisha's death, Kabir was mean. How could I forget he was changed after she died? Alina and Kabir bonded over pain, and if Udisha didn't die, Kabir experienced no pain and didn't touch his camera. I met Alina because I thought she was like me. Laughing from inside, but sad from inside. I met Alina because she was the only one who never judged me on my sadness.
If Kabir and I never met Alina, then she had no one in life. I cupped my mouth tightly. She escaped to nobody's house when her brother came. She told nobody about her problems. She had gotten into an accident because she left her house after fighting with her mom and Kabir. Kabir was the one who told her parents. If none of this happened, then nothing happened.
If Udisha was alive, I never thought of becoming a doctor because then I didn't go to the hospital. If Harshit incident never happened, Rahul and I never shared secrets and bonded. If mom and dad never died, I wouldn't have run to Goa and lived with Rahul.
If none of the things I hated happened, my life would've been at some other point and I would be living a life I didn't want.
I didn't like this version of Kabir. I didn't like this version of me. It's all happiness and love, but what about sadness? What about the sadness that made our hearts softer? What about the situations that told us the hardships of life?
What's the point of this life when we all were so mean in it? No doubt, I hated every death but it changed us into something better. Every tragedy molds our heart to something we all were proud to be. Udisha's death changed Kabir, made him softer, emphatic, love his family and be responsible. Meeting Alina made him work harder, concern about others and much better. She made him a better person.
Harshit's incident made me realize not everyone in this world you could trust on but your family always remained by your side when everyone was gone. Mom and dad death made me see how stupid I was for fighting with them when in reality I should've loved them because death could come anytime. It made me stand on my toes and see healing was such a beautiful process.
And without Alina? How could I even see that things get better at one time? How would I get such a true friend who remained at my side? She thought me the meaning of friendship. Without Rahul, how would I see we all go through something and sometimes our actions define us? How would I know what did it mean to be loved with such passion? Who would run to me whenever I got angry?
This wasn't what I wanted. This was a life that I hated.
This wasn't what I want.
I screamed to pull me out of this nightmare. This wasn't an ideal life. It was a curse.
Moving my arms, I fluttered my eyes open.
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