// Trigger warning for attempted suicide and depression. I'm writing this because I'm emo at the moment, so excuse me. //
• • •
School has officially become one of the things you hate most in life. It is a stupid waste of time and space where you are expected to pay attention to a teacher ramble on about something you are not even gonna remember in a few weeks. It is just pointless and half of the stuff you learn that you are not gonna use anyway. These are the types of thoughts that run through your mind as you walk down the hall to collect your things from your locker, so you can leave hell... you mean school.
Arriving at your locker, you stop and stare at the one next to yours that used to be accompanied by your best friend, or... ex-best friend, rather. Even thinking that hurts like hell because it would be different if you knew why the sudden distance popped up between you two. It seems like time just got in the way and it became increasingly harder to make time for her, even though you wish you had actually done so because you can't go a day without thinking about how things used to be. Even though it's only been about four months since things turned to radio silence, it still eats you alive that you didn't try harder because she would have no doubt have made time for you. You just didn't give her the time of day to do so.
And, oh god, do you wish you had one more opportunity to hear her infectious laugh and to see her bright green eyes staring into yours. You long to hear her singing along to your favorite songs while riding beside you in the car with her fingers intertwined with yours. Not to mention her spontaneous road trips she would pull you along with where you two would spend the weekend traveling to small cafes, random historical sites and many random places that caught your interests. The best part of it all was having her beside you, creating story after story.
You might have even been falling in love with her, but you realized it too late because she was already slipping from your grasp. Lately, you have been trying to forget the thought of her completely, but that is not so easy when she walks past you and avoids eye contact with you at all costs. Especially when she used to look at you and smile. The pain in the pit of your stomach stings worse then a thousand bee stings, but you quickly remind yourself that this is your fault. You deserve every twist of pain that comes your way.
Shaking your head to rid yourself of those thoughts, you begin to open your locker and gather your things like you came to do in the first place, but the first thing that gets your attention is the folded up piece of paper that is taped to the side of your locker door. It doesn't occur to you that the only other person that knows your combination is Lauren.
You immediately grab the paper and begin to open it curiously, but an announcement pulls your attention away.
"Last call for the buses," some lady speaks over the intercom and that nearly springs you into action. If you do not hurry, you will miss your bus and be left here until you ask someone to come and rescue you. Quickly, you shove the piece of paper down into your pocket and start rummaging through the papers in your locker.
"Shit," you mumble and pull all of your contents out of the locker and shove them into your book bag. They violently crumble and rip, but you will worry about that later.
Right now, you need to make it to the bus.
• • •
Making it on the bus in record time, you fling yourself down in the seat next to your best friend, Camila, and immediately let out a sigh of relief. You swear you hear her mutter something about you, but you can't hear her for the sound of your heavy breathing.
"What," you ask, resting your head against the back of the seat and turning towards her slowly.
"I said, what the hell is wrong with you," she laughs, shaking her head relentlessly at the mess you have suddenly become.
"I was late getting to my locker, so I had to run to the buses," you reply.
"Softball skills putting in work, huh," she jokes, nudging your shoulder with hers as the bus begins to take off.
"I guess you could say that," you respond, shrugging your shoulders playfully, "but not too much because my lungs hurt like a bitch."
"Oh no," she sighs. "You better save those lungs for tonight."
You furrow your brows as you ask, "What do you mean?"
"There is a party tonight and your ass is definitely gonna be there," she says cheerily while clapping her hands together. "I'm not taking no for an answer."
You sigh, a smile gracing your lips as you do so. You are actually liking the thought of a party and the whole idea of letting yourself go tonight. If anyone needs a break from the shit hole that is reality, it is you.
• • •
Getting ready for the party, you go through your normal routine of throwing on some jeans, a t-shirt, your white converses and your signature jacket. Once the jacket is placed on your body to your liking, you notice the small piece of paper sticking out from the side.
You remember it being taped to your locker this afternoon, so you immediately reach for it and open it up. Upon first glance, your breath catches in your throat as you realize that handwriting is oddly familiar. It belongs to the one person you never thought you would hear from again.
Y/N,
Not a single day passes without me thinking of you. And I miss you so fucking much.
I guess some things just aren't meant to be. I wish I could just forget, but the problem is, you're not easy to forget. You cant forget the face of the person who gave so much to you, then took it all away.
Some days, I wonder if you're missing me. Other days, I wonder why I'm still wondering.
I made you so fucking special in my mind that nothing you ever did was wrong. You could break my heart into a million different pieces and I'd still fucking love you with every broken piece lying on the ground. I couldn't help it. I looked at you and I just loved you and that terrified me. It terrified me what I would do for you. It terrified me that you had me at the point where I would've left the entire world behind for you.
And that's was problem. I've always been so consumed with spending every minute of my time and every last ounce of my energy fighting for you, that I failed to realize that the person I should have been fighting for all along was myself.
I was so consumed with your happiness, that I forgot my own happiness mattered too. I guess the love sick fool in me didn't care because your happiness was more than enough for me. Seeing you smile made up for it and, god, seeing that smile make me fall even deeper in love with you. And I didn't want to fall in love, not at all. You think I wanted to jeopardize everything we had? But at some point, you smiled that smile at me, and, holy shit, I blew it. I couldn't think straight for the rest of the day because I kept seeing that smile over and over again. It was unforgettable. You were unforgettable. And it was in that exact moment that I knew I'd do whatever it would take to make you smile.
And you did smile. You smiled enough for the both of us. You were happy more times then not... but it was not because of me.
It was because of her.
I didn't know how broken I was until every time you smiled, I wanted to cry. My breath would be knocked out of my lungs when I would hear your laugh and know it wasn't because of me. And I guess I realized that there is no need to cry over someone that laughs without me. And boy did you laugh without me. There was always a glimmer of hope that you would come back to me, but it faded day by day.
And I have to say, the day you called and asked me to hang out, I thought things were finally turning up. I guess that was a stupid thought when I found out you asked her before me and when she said she couldn't, you turned to me. I figured out it was stupid to think I was your first option when you could do so much better.
Not knowing where I stood in your life was a slow emotional death. The longer I held on, the more numb I became. And maybe that was it. I eventually went numb because you can't break a heart that's already been broken.
Please believe me when I say I tried to be okay. But every time I looked at a fucking mirror and saw my reflection, I wanted to cry because I absolutely hated what I saw. It's so god damn hard to be okay because I still break down every night wondering when I'm going to be enough and why I'm so worthless. I'm just so fucking sorry.
My biggest fear was eventually, you would see me the way I see myself. And no one realized how unhappy I was. They never noticed the dark inside my eyes. I pleaded that you wouldn't ask me if I was okay because I would do something stupid like open up to you and I was really tired of opening up to people and watching them leave me like I'm nothing. I was trying to be perfect. I was trying to be good. I was trying to be what you wanted. I was trying to be beautiful. I was trying to fit everyone's standards. I was trying to be happy. I was trying. I was trying. I was dying. But you didn't even know.
If you saw me suspiciously quiet, it was because I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was just trying not to scream out in pain. I swear I would be fine, and then the next thing you know, I'm sitting there knotting my fingers and crying too hard because I can't look into your face and let you see what you do to me. It was just so much easier to act like none of that mattered and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart was nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine.
I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go. I used to think of you as someone who would never hurt me, but now when I look at you, all I can see is the pain you caused. The smile that used to ignite my midnight skies now ignites the pain and fucking misery in my chest.
I am not needed and that scares me so much.
And you are just a person on a list of things I need to forget. I don't want to care, but I do. And that sucks. It sucks that I care about you more than myself. It sucks that I hate myself and everybody thinks I'm happy. I think I just hit the point in my life where, I'm just done. I cried. I fought. I tried. But everything is crashing down. My demons are screaming louder, trying to eat the rest of me away, and this time, I'm not going to fight back. I'm tired of trying to fight back.
I love you so much and I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you.
I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for myself.
- Lauren
You finish the letter with a thousand things racing through your head. Majority of them are negative and that leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth. The first thing you think to do is call her because that is the only way you will get the answer to you question. You pull out your phone and shakily scroll down your contacts until you reach the name my other half because you never did change it, even after everything that has happened.
Hitting her name and pulling it up to your ear, it rings and it rings and it rings, leaving you anxiously awaiting her voice. Time feels like it is moving by at the speed of a turtle and you grow more uneasy with each passing second. And when she finally picks up, it is not her normal, cheery voice you have grown accustomed to. That is replaced with this heavy, raspy voice that is seemingly out of breath and heavily straining to even muster a word.
"Hello," she slurs aloud, carrying out the 'o' like a small child would. Normally you would laugh, but something about it coaxes you the wrong way. However, knowing that she is still breathing is the first thing you can bring yourself to care about.
You take a sigh of relief, allowing at least one negative thought to leave from your head, but just when you think you might have overreacted, a loud car horn blasting through the phone nearly busts your ear drum in the process. The thing is that, normally, does not bother you, but Lauren does not live near a highway and if she was in her car, it certainly would not be that loud.
"Lauren," you ask cautiously, almost too afraid to continue on with the onslaught of questions that you are about to throw her way, but the thought of her even attempting to do what you think she is about to do makes you want to find out more, "where are you?"
She sniffles back the moisture in her nose and takes a collective sigh to gather herself before answering, "At home."
You scoff at her sudden notion to pass off the seriousness of the situation, but the sniffles of her nose allow you to think that something more is happening than she wants you to believe.
"Are you crying," you ask softly, hearing her sniffle her nose once more in the background.
"So what," she replies coldly, her voice slurring massively at the end of her sentence as if she has lost all control of her mouth. "You wouldn't care anyway."
"Lauren, are you drunk," you ask worriedly, as you start fiddling with the letter in your hand, giving it a once over in your mind once again, but another loud horn startles you from your train of though completely. "I know you're not at home. Tell me where you are."
"Do you remember when we used to lay under the stars in my back yard and try to make stories about them," she asks, avoiding your question all together because it seems like she cannot be bothered with it at the time. "We never do that anymore."
"Lauren," you snap, quickly moving your feet as you begin to run into the kitchen to grab your keys in an attempt to find her whereabouts, "I don't like the way this sounds. Please tell me where you are."
"You know my favorite story we made up," she asks, snubbing heavily through out her words, but keeping her composure strong enough to get her point across.
"Please-" you try to reason, but she continues on with her story, adamant on keeping you from finding out where she is. You decide that is not gonna stop you from getting her to safety. You are already well on your way through the front door and almost arriving at your car.
"It's the one where we talked about the sun and the moon on the side of the cliff about a year ago," she responds, a quiet laugh leaving her lips as she falls upon the memory. You immediately fight the sickening feeling in your stomach as you open the door to your car and jump in, ready to start the engine. "The moon was shining that night and it made you look so beautiful, Y/N. It gave you this gleam in your eyes that sparkles with so much intensity and it would never go away. Something about talking about the universe evoked so much passion in you that I lost myself in your words every time you would speak. I think that is when I realized I loved you."
It was different the first time when your was the words through a piece of paper, but hearing it with your own ears, you stop breathing momentarily. The air from your lungs is stolen with one grasp completely and she is not even aware that she did it. She is too drunk to comprehend, altering you to believe that she is probably too drunk to understand the severity of what she is about to do.
"Where are you, Lauren," you asks sternly, trying not to let your voice waver in between your words. If anything, she needs to understand what she is doing to you, but breaking down in front of her might only make things worse.
"A bridge," she whispers quietly, afraid to let the confession slip from her lips. Maybe she thought the vagueness of her words would be enough to deter you from the subject completely, but you are well aware that there is only one bridge around here and it is three minutes from your house. If you can just keep her distracted long enough to get there, you just might save her life.
"Lauren," you speak softly as you begin to pull out onto the road to begin your trek to the bridge, "I need you to tell me a story. Anything. It can be one of our stories if you want to."
"I don't know anymore," she confesses, a quiet sob, full of disappointment, leaves her lips.
"Then tell me something. Anything," you try and reason, your free hand tightening up on the wheel as you begin to break the speed limit. You are quickly realizing your time with her might be narrowing down.
"Well the stars are pretty tonight," she says, her voice falling back to the wondrous tone you fell in love with months ago.
"Tell me about them," you prod, a smile falling upon you lips as you begin to check your surroundings before speeding through a stop sign.
"I love that there are so many. Like, how they coexist so peacefully in the sky. They are billions of miles away, but they have so much radiance, that it shines for years and years. Even after they are dead. It's like they leave an impact long after they are gone. I wanna leave an impact like that."
You already have, on me, you think to yourself as you clear you throat from the dryness to allow yourself to speak again.
"Keep going," you ask in a soothing tone, tears beginning to run down your cheeks and cloud your vision as you look over to your clock and see that you are less than two minutes away from her location.
"I can see Orion," she says confidently, her voice full of wonder as you can imagine her peering up into the dark abyss with that certain mind set that surpasses most of the people you know. She looks up with captivity and wonder while everyone else just stares blankly. You decide you would sell your soul to see that one more time, "but every one with a knowledge of constellations knows about that one. It's the easiest to see. I remember you telling me that when we first sat outside my window on the roof. You know what? It is like the stars are our thing, Y/N. You see, we aren't always together. We have to work and go to school in different classes. We are lucky to see each other at least once a week."
She pauses, a quiet sigh leaving her lips as she draws a quiet breath. At least she is calming down, you think to yourself as you notice you are minutes away from the bridge. You just hope you can keep her distracted enough.
"But despite all of that," she continues, "we know that we are there for each other, even when we can't see each other."
"I love the way you think, Lauren," you say honestly, a smile gracing your lips, even through all the sadness. "A beautiful soul like you deserves everything in this world."
I just wish you would let me give it to you, you think to yourself.
"Y/N," she asks softly as if she is trying to grab your attention rather than ask if you are still there. You want to ignore her until you arrive at the bridge, which is coming up very soon, but you cannot help but picture the worst if you did happen to ignore her.
"Yes, Lauren", you ask cautiously, afraid of what she might say or do if you get too detailed with your responses.
"I wanna be in the stars too."
Your hearts stops when the words make it clearly through your head and it takes everything you have to keep your eyes on the road as you begin to loose your sight from all the tears clouding your vision. The sickening feeling in your stomach intensifies to the point of making you physically feel like you could throw up and you cannot help but cry harder.
"Lauren, you can't say stuff like that," you sob, finally letting your emotions break through.
"I mean it though," she cries back confidently. "I am no good here, Y/N. I feel worthless and alone. I'm nothing anymore. I serve no purpose to anyone, not even myself. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to let it go. I want to control something in my life for once, Y/N. I want this."
"Yeah, well," you snap back, "I don't want you to do this."
"What's it matter to you, huh," she begins to become defensive and you can tell she is closer than ever to actually going through with this.
"I care about you, Lauren," you yell into the phone as you are a good thirty seconds from the bridge itself. You begin to become anxious and hit the gas even harder.
"That's just it," she sobs. "No one cares until your either on the verge of dying or already dead. If I hadn't have wrote you that letter, you would have never given me a second thought tonight."
"That's not true," you fight back defensively as more tears streak down your cheeks.
"But it is," she shrieks, her sadness now covered by all the anger she can muster. But within seconds, there is a deep breath from over the phone, followed by a few shaky cries. "You would have never even thought about me tonight, Y/N. I am absolutely nothing to you, but you are my whole world. I can't go a day without beating myself up about letting you go. Then I'll look at you and Camila and I know I did the right thing because you are happy with her, more happy than I could ever make you."
"Lauren-"
"It hurts to know that you will never care about me like I want you to because I-," she breaks off, her tears of sadness replaced with a string of anger you did not know she had. There is dead silence as she takes a breath to contain herself all the while you stop you car around the corner of the bridge to prevent yourself from being seen in this state of sadness.
You hear her draw a quiet breath before responding, "I fucking love you."
You want to say it back, but over the phone will not do it justice. Instead, you hold it in just for a few moments while you get yourself out of the car and run towards her direction. You cannot see her for the curve you are running towards, but if she listens close enough, she could probably hear you.
"You never asked," you say softly as you began to run along the pavement to reach the bridge before it is too late.
"What are you talking about," she asks, her voice failing her as she does so.
Instead of answering over the the phone, you round the curve to see her standing there on the edge of the bridge, peering down at the oncoming traffic. Slowly, you approach her from behind, careful not to alert her.
"You never asked about how I felt, Lauren," you say aloud, causing her to whip her head around, nearly loosing her balance while doing so.
"What-"
"Because maybe if you would have asked, I would have said I fucking love you too," you snap, the tears running down your face now falling unabashedly as you approach the drunk girl.
She looks at you with anger and sadness mixed in her dark green eyes. In her hand, she is deathly clutching her phone and her other is balled into a hard fist. You keep shuffling towards her, letting her see what she has done to you tonight and hopefully making her realize that doing this just does not effect one person, but everyone else that cares about her.
"Because maybe every time I walk in school, I get really excited to meet you until I realize we don't do that anymore," you say honestly, not even trying to hide your emotions anymore. "Because maybe every time I have a problem, you're the first person's name I click on, but then I get too scared to text you because I remember you telling me you didn't want me too."
"I-I-"
"Because of you, I go to my locker everyday and look at the one next to mine with tears in my eyes because I remember it used to be yours," you cry out, staring dead into her eyes with as much pain as you can muster. "I had to delete over half of my Instagram photos because I couldn't bare to look at them and see how happy we were. I can't listen to the songs on my phone because it reminds me of when we used to blare the radio going down the road. I hate watching most of the tv shows I used to enjoy because it reminds me of when we used to binge watch them effortlessly while tangled up together on the couch. I can't walk down the isle at the fucking store without looking over to the ice cream section and seeing your favorite flavor and remembering how I brought you it every time your cramps got out of control. Do you have any idea how much I suffer because of you?"
"Y/N," she sighs, her shoulders slumping down in exhaustion, "I had no-"
"You had no idea, right," you bark, sliding the phone in your hand down into your pocket before you throw it across the street. "I get it, Lauren. I do, but you didn't think about me, or anyone else for a second. And I know it is the worst thing to bring this up while you're like this, but you need to hear it."
"Is this what you came here to do," she asks, her voice raising as she begins to walk towards you. "Make me feel like shit while you walk away all high and mighty?"
"That's all you got from that," you scream back. "I can't believe all you're thinking about is yourself here! Do you know what happens if you jump off that bridge, Lauren?"
She stares at you with wide eyes and you begin to feel regret settling in your stomach, but you push through for the sake of getting your point across.
"I die," she whispers, tears streaking down her cheeks while she adverts eye contact from you.
"There you go again," you yell. "It's not just you that dies, Lauren. It's me! Your mom and dad! Chris and Taylor! Anyone you have ever formed an attachment to is going with you! You honestly think we could go another day without feeling like there is some part of us missing?!"
The look that crosses her face is a look of pure regret and sorrow, but you cannot find it in yourself to give in just her. She needs to understand.
"I know that it is bad for me to tell you all this right now," you sigh, your voice quieting down, "but I know that sober Lauren doesn't want this. Sober Lauren wants freedom and adventure. The only reason you're thinking like this is because of the alcohol. You might have thought about it once or twice sober and the liquid courage has gotten you here, but this isn't what you really want and I know it."
"How would you know," she spits. "You were never there, Y/N! You don't just get to prance back into my life and pretend you never left."
"But I'm here now," You reason, "and I'm not leaving if you allow me to stay. All I'm asking is that you step down from there and come back home with me. We can work this out together."
She doesn't say much now as you begin to walk towards her cautiously. Her eyes follow your every move though and the tears in her eyes bring an enormous amount of pain in your chest when you realize that you are the very reason she is standing on the edge of this bridge.
When you see that she needs more persuading, you begin speaking, "We will take this one day at a time. You and me. We can do this together. I swear... I swear on my life we can do this, Lauren. And I know... I know I messed up. I know that I didn't fight hard enough for us and words will never be enough to tell you how much I regret not fighting hard enough for you. And it breaks my heart to know how much pain I put you through. Looking at you right now... I don't want this to be my last memory of you, Lauren."
For the first time tonight, you can see the sorrow in her eyes for everything she has done. It is displayed so openly in front of you that you find yourself unable to stop your mouth from saying the things you're thinking.
"I want my last memory of you to be when we are old and grey, looking like two raisins who stayed out in the sun too long," you say softly as you watch a smile break across her face. "I want to give us a shot and I promise I'm not doing this out of pity because if I thought you really wanted to end this, I'd be right beside you, holding your hand, looking down at our impending demise because I wouldn't let you do it alone. ... but I'm not. I'm not because I want this, Lauren. I want you. God... I want you, Lauren."
Her eyes widen immediately as a tear streaks down her flushed cheeks. Slowly, you walk towards her with your hands held in front of you.
"And I can't give this a shot if one half of us isn't here, so I'm begging you, that if you care about me at all, step back off the bridge. And If... you want me too, then step down off that ledge and show me," you speak in a soft whisper, too scared of the fact that you're wasting your breath.
She frozen in her spot, but you can see her lips wavering as she tries to formulate a sentence to say to you. Her eyes are glazing over with fresh tears and you just can't bare to watch her endure this anymore. Slowly, you take your right foot and take a small step towards her with your hands placed firmly by your sides. You watch her eyes flicker towards you for a quick second before they fall back to her feet. You take it one step at a time to make sure you don't force anything on her. You want her to be okay with the fact you are walking towards. Moments later, when you do finally reach her, you slowly place your hand on her wrist and notice how she doesn't flinch to your touch. Gently, you pull her back towards you off the bridge and she falls into your embrace with her arms wrapped around your waist.
Without hesitation, you bring your arms around her back, pulling her tightly to your chest as if you never want to let go. Her arms wraps themselves around your waist even tighter and her face buries into your neck as tears begin to stain the top of your shirt. You find yourself crying as well in a matter of seconds, truly shocked at the turn of events. The girl in your arms is full on shaking as sobs wreck through her body and you pull her tighter to your chest, conveying what words cannot seem to say.
"I'm so... s-sorry," she says into your neck before another sob leaves her lips.
"Shh..." you coo into her hair, kissing the top of her head softly. "It's gonna be okay. We are gonna get this sorted out together, okay?"
She nods into your neck placing a kiss on your soft skin, throwing you off guard for a couple of seconds.
"I just thought it would be easier if you didn't have to deal with me anymore," she says quietly, her voice quivering.
You pull her head out of your neck and place both of your hands on either side of her face. With the pad of your thumbs, you wipe her tears from her cheeks and pull her eyes so they are staring into yours.
"If you trust me on anything, trust me on this," you say, "You are not a problem for me. Nothing you ever do will be a problem for me because I love you. Okay? Don't ever think you don't mean anything to me because you mean everything to me."
She nods in your hand and you can't help the smile that graces your lips. Slowly, her eyes dart down to your lips and you know what she is asking. Instead of answering verbally, you slowly move forward and capture her soft lips in a sweet kiss. It's not rushed or forced, but rather soft and sweet in all the right aspects. She sighs against your lips, prompting you to pull her closer to you by her waist.
This kiss is everything both of you have been hoping for and neither of you try and push it along any further than just contact at the lips.
You pull away first, resting your forehead against the girls as a small sob escapes her lips. The only thing that comes to mind is the one thought you have been harboring in the back of your head since you saw her.
Deciding to let the question slip your lips, you ask, "Together?"
It takes a couple moments and you can't help the fear that arises in your chest, but all your fears are set aside when a small smile graces her pink lips and in a soft whisper, you hear her reassure, "Together."
• • •
// This is just a gentle reminder that you guys aren't alone if you are going through anything. I know it seems like it, but I can promise you that there are people here for you. You just have to be willing to look. Also, I am writing a supernatural story based on Teen Wolf, but I don't know what couple I want to use as the main story line. I am torn between, Lauren & Lucy, You & Lauren, and well... Lauren & Camila, but I probably won't do that one because we all know the truth. So once I decide, I'll let you guys know. I'm also writing a Camila & You story that involves puns, but I don't know if I'll post it //