I felt my eyes drooping by five pm and I hadn't even had dinner. Amy and I had agreed to have a studying party even though we were both dead tired and drained from the school day. The Year 9 exams were also arriving pretty soon and I knew that I should start preparing sooner or later. Our school was also introducing us to the GCSE exam boards and units so I might as well start early as to not muddle things up in my brain.
"How was Prudence?" Amy mumbled from the pile of English guides and textbooks.
"Slightly pissed off, tired and stubborn but we managed to cheer her up a bit,"
"It's only normal."
"I guess."
We continued working in silence, her at her desk while I was in the corner of the room with a bunch of cushions and pillows around me. I willed my hand to continue writing notes and my eyes to stay open. It was when Amy started snoring did I realise that we both needed a break and to eat some food.
I heard my phone ping and looked at the notifications. It was a message from Pen&Paper and I decided to click on it and see what was going on. I hadn't opened up Pen&Paper in a few weeks- I had still written but I hadn't posted anything or replied to any of my messages.
Lara: @hfebland Have you heard about what happened to Ivy?
StrawberryDodie: @hfebland Do you know anything about Ivy's situation?
jellyfishmusic: @hfebland What's going on with Ivy?
Stones settled in my stomach and my heart jumped in my throat as my eyebrows drew together and I searched for Ivy's profile. I clicked her activity to see that the last thing she had voted on was the latest chapter of "Gorgon's Blood" six weeks ago. But then I found the latest message on her wall.
Dear Ivisons,
This is written by Ivy's sister, Ava. You've all wanted to know what happened to Ivy. You've all been curious as to why she has been so absent and why she hasn't replied to any comments or why she didn't give a notice.
I don't know how to give you the news without being blunt instead of sugar coating the situation. Ivy has struggled with chronic depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for over three years and she took her life out on the 20th March. Our family has grieved for a long time and the pain still remains. We'll always remember her, love her, cherish her but we know that you will also miss her books, her characters and her quirky author's notes. She left me a letter along with a note to share with her readers.
To my readers,
Thank you for being the most loyal people I have ever known. Thank you for taking me from the ground up. Thank you for supporting me from the beginning and I'm sorry it has to end this way. I can't handle it anymore. Please don't grieve for me, go out and enjoy the life that I wanted to enjoy. I believe in you all.
Ivy
My eyes searched for more, searched for a note that said "THIS IS A PRANK! HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!" but there was nothing. There was a single moment of shock before I felt my whole being erupt in a volcanoe of messy emotions.
She was gone. Janelle was gone. I could've gone too.
The world spun around me and all I could hear was the rapid beat of my heart and the buzz of invisible bees surrounding my head. My heart throbbed sixty-one beats a minute and it felt like every cell in my body was trying to escape from the storm my brain had created. It was like a plague of a broken white noise spreading in my body and I was frozen in place by the sloppy den I had created.
I felt someone grabbing my shoulders, shouting, screaming, shrieking and it felt like my own being was sending out all of these voices. Doors were slammed, the grip on my shoulders tightened as if to create a bridge between reality and whatever was happening at the moment but I couldn't reach the bridge. I was in the water, thrashing and begging the waves of panic to let me go and wrench me free. Every move made the water force me down even further. I stopped moving, letting myself float in my own dangerous ocean of tears with the hope that the waves would wash me away on the coast of reality.
"Hope? Hope! Wake up please,"
There I was, so so near the surface when another wave shook through me and I was knocked out cold.
***
I didn't know when I woke up. One second I was falling through the well of oblivion and the next, an unexpected force was lifting me to the brink of consciousness and my eyes shot open.
It felt like my lungs had been unlocked; I gasped for breath and two blurry figures leaned in. My eyes adjusted and the focus nearly blinded me but at least I could now see Mum and Amy's concerned expression.
"Are you OK?" Mum questioned, stroking my hair. I nodded and shut my eyes in attempt to stop the torrential tears from my eye sockets. That was unsuccessful. "What happened?"
"She's gone," I whispered and used the heel of my hand to wipe my eyes.
"Who's she?" Amy asked in a hushed voice.
"Ivy."
Mum and Amy didn't know much about Ivy besides the fact that we talked and exchanged feedback and were internet friends. I didn't expect them to be sad or shaken up like I was and if I was going to be brutally honest to myself, they weren't. I lay on the floor while Amy stroked my hair and Mum went off to finish the dinner before giving me a hug and making sure I had calmed down a little.
The pasta tasted like cardboard in my mouth and I only managed a few mouthfuls before I pushed the bowl away and lay in bed despite not being able to sleep the whole night. Hypocritic of me, I know. I was partly shaking, crying or breathing deeply half of the night and I woke Amy up several times because I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to talk yet I also didn't want to talk.
I kept tossing and turning in bed until I gave up and went in the living room to make myself a cup of tea. Traces of exhaustion clung to every muscle in my body but it didn't feel like it was going to be cured by sleep. It was an emotional type of exhaustion that demanded me to clear my head otherwise I would explode but I had no idea how to do that. Even writing and outlining couldn't distract my growing guilt so I completely ditched everything and sat on the sofa, watching the darkness lift above our back yard.
I could've been there for her. I could've stopped her from ending it all, I could've talked to her every day and helped her through it. But no. I just had to be self-absorbed in my own world of problems, like always. She had told me she was struggling and I didn't- couldn't help her.
Thoughts plagued my mind as the lessons dragged on and I had to restrain myself from having another nervous break down quite a few times. My hands gripped the old school desks for some sort of connection to the real world; one hand was on the edges of the table while I wrote and I kept it there for the whole of each 50 minutes period. I couldn't even listen to Faith, Grace and Love properly at lunch, I felt my hands shaking and my eyelashes blinking back tears before I couldn't handle it and started bawling my eyes out.
"Hope! Oh My God are you alright?" Grace grabbed me by the shoulders as I shook into a slump.
"I-I don't k-k-know," I stuttered and tried to straighten up and steady my breathing. My eyes ached and tears formed layers of blurriness over my pupils. "M-My internet friend co-committed s-s-suicide."
I didn't say more than that because I was already getting curious stares from people and I didn't want teachers involved in this. The girls ushered around me, grabbing my bag and helping me up and dragging me to the toilets. I shook in my blazer and tried to wipe my wet eyes before going to the toilets.
The glances from everyone made me feel even smaller and I ducked into a cubicle to wipe my eyes and freshen up. I couldn't go to English like that and we had to give a presentation on a certain topic. The English department thought it was a good way to prepare us for the GCSE English exam board but standing in front of a bunch of people not even remotely interested in what I was going to say wasn't going to improve my day.
I stood in the cubicle for a good two minutes, trying to take deep breaths and regain to my normal self. Once I was satisfied with my appearance and steady breathing, I rushed out of the toilets and followed Faith, Grace and Love to our English Classrooms.
"Are you entering the Arts and Creativity Night?" Grace attempted at breaking the ice and I wanted to let out a sign of relief.
"I might," Love answered thoughtfully. I shrugged and fished in my bag to search for my memory stick.
"I'll just go for the biscuits," Faith remarked as a matter of factly. "At least they give out food while you wander around the panels."
"There's an after school club starting soon where you can work on all of your projects and get help to win some of the competitions,"
The bell rang and I felt panic the size of the boulder hit me hard in the chest. Any sign of calmness deflated and I had to breathe through my nose and count to ten before going into the classroom and taking my seat next to a reluctant Jarrett. Mrs Castleton pulled names out of a hat and person by person came to the front and did their presentations. Most seemed quite confident, with organised powerpoints and well thought out speeches while the minority stumbled over their words and looked down.
"Alright well my presentation is on the Periodic Table because Chemistry is one of my favourite subjects," Fred let out a nervous laugh and moved on to the next slide.
"He's smart, fit and gorgeous- I need him!" Kaydence quietly whispered to Alice. Not quietly enough for people to not overhear her.
Fred started giving off slightly humourously but transitioned to serious when Mrs Castleton gave him a pointed glance. He kept laughing nervously and running his hands through his hair when he started telling us about having the periodic table imprinted on his shower curtain.
"He's a nerd: what a cutie!" Kaydence sighed again. I fully well knew that Kaydence strongly disliked nerds, geeks and dorks; she was only saying it because Fred was... very very slightly attractive, I guess? His warm brown eyes contrasted against his stronger bone structure and the messy thing that was going on with his hair made him look like a complete playboy. A very very slightly attractive playboy.
"Thank you Fred," Mrs Castleton looked up from her clipboard and picked out a name. "Next person to present is Bree."
A few more people went up to the front and talked to the class, including an apprehensive Grace who looked like she wanted to curl up and cry when all eyes were on her. She was usually her weird, quirky and confident self when she was around us but in front of other people, hell I knew how she felt.
"Hope you're up,"
Nausea started swirling in my stomach while I made my way to the computer and plugged in my memory stick. It felt like all of the words had flown out of my head and the same boulder of panic set in my lungs once again. What if Greek Mythology was too boring for these people? What if they thought I was weirder and crazier than I already was?
Suddenly, there were so many more voices and thoughts racing in my brain like the speed of light. My mind replayed all the times I had been insulted, made fun of, every time I felt panic crawling up my spine and all of my guilt. Everyone's eyes were bored into mine but it felt like they were looking at my spots and my puffy eyes and whatever makeup was left on my face. I knew not everything was about me, but at that moment, I was frozen to the core with panic and paranoia and no words could come out of my mouth.
I didn't realise that I was shaking and nearly in tears as Mrs Castleton's bleary voice told me to go outside of the room and calm down.
Great. I sat down on the ground, not caring that it would make my skirt dirtier or wrinkled. I had just had a near to a mental breakdown in front 30 other teenagers and stood there like a shaking mess and crying my eyes out.
I buried my head in my hands and found comfort in the darkness that come when I closed my eyes. I didn't know how I felt because I had so many feelings at the same time. I felt like I had to help out other people and be there for them, but how could I be there for them when I couldn't be there for myself? It was like I had to please everyone and look extra calm and content while I felt as if I was slowly shattering into a thousand and one pieces.
"I know how you feel," Fred's voice rung into my ears but I didn't lift my head up. Of course he knew how everyone felt. He was too much of a nice and selfless person to always catch themselves in circles of their own problems. The squeak of his shoes sounded against the floor and it was the last thing I heard before a new wave of salty tears crashed into my eyes and onto my cheeks like a tsunami.
***
"Get up, we're going for a walk!" Amy tried to wrestle with my duvet but I kept a tight grip on it. The last thing I felt like doing was going to the park or strolling through a series of shops I had been in a million times. "Hope, I said get up."
"Not Freddy Mercury? Sorry, not lifting my buttcrack for you."
In the end, she did manage to drag me out of my bed and threw a pair of shoes and a cardigan in my face before stalking outside with a dog leash in her hand. "We're walking Mrs Crotchet's dog. I need money for college."
"You chose walking a dog?" I grumbled, following after her. "I would choose a decent chippie shop and try to earn more than that."
"Yeah well, I honestly can't be bothered,"
She collected Mrs Crotchet's dog and secured the leash around his collar. "OK, off to the beach we go."
It was around five pm and it was still light for an April afternoon. I craved for the pastel colours of the sunset but I forgot all about it when we reached the seafront and the smell of the salty water hit my nostrils. The grey-blue liquid lapped against the pebbles and the breeze whipped Amy's hair back when she chased after Mrs Crotchet's dog. I didn't bother to catch up, just walked and stared at the water to distract the thoughts that lingered on my failed presentation.
Mrs Castleton had sent me to the nurse who told me to grow up, stop pretending and go back to class. Step one of how to be a horrible nurse? Check.
I had avoided all eye contact and let my curtain of brown hair cover my face as one by one, people had presented their information. I've said this a lot before but I had never been more grateful in my life when the end of day bell reverberated throughout the school.
Hair slapping my cheeks, I raced after Amy and the dog. I was normally against all type of movement, especially running, but it was like I was running away from my problems and thoughts and emotions this time. It was only the wind howling a melancholic song in my ears and my heart thumping out blood; nothing else. Amy was a small dot in the distance and I panted the last one hundred metres before Mrs Crotchet's dog ran over to lick my cheeks.
I cringed at the dog's sloppy kiss but ruffled his fur and walked in pace with Amy. We bantered around and made small talk as we walked back home. The small bit of sun that had been there when we arrived had been demolished by the furious dark clouds above us. Rain started pattering against the back of my neck and dampened my hair by the time we had arrived on our street but Amy stopped after seeing Ryan, Jess and Fred pull over their car to talk to us. I gave them a small, curt nod before hurrying inside to dry my wet hair and get back under the safety of my duvet and pillow.
Love had sent in a few updates about Prudence and when she would be able to leave the hospital to which I responded to before checking Pen&Paper once again. I couldn't help myself from reading the letter from Ivy's sister again and I was once again a sobbing mess. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself but I just felt the need to read it once again. Setting the phone down for a minute, I looked at the faint rainbow in the sky. It looked so grey and lifeless but there was still a small tint of colour in it.
I checked my inbox to find that my most recent message had been from her. Immediately jumping to open it, I faultered at the words.
Ivy: Thank you for everything. I'm sorry.
Realms of misery burned through each organ of my body as I screamed and thrashed and cried because she was gone. She was dead. A blonde head stormed into the room and the rest of what happened was a vague vision until I felt cold, cold water splash my face and I was underwater myself.
I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't raise the Underworld until I could find her and I couldn't go back in time to be there for her.
"Come Back," A voice from the surface called out and I found myself wanting to say these words too. But not only for Ivy to come back, but for the happiness to come back and for the good times to come back because I was constantly suffocated from darkness.
A/N I actually cried while writing this chapter :'( I don't know if I did a good job emotion wise but I hope you kind of enjoyed this chapter. I know I said that I would post this chapter by the end of last weekend but I was finishing on TDC and the project which I get to reveal in this chapter. Song for this chapter is 'Safe and Sound' by Taylor Swift.
The project which I have been keeping a secret for a few weeks is that I am going to be posting five TDC oneshots consecutively starting from 5th December! It's what I like to call 5 Days of Christmas and here are the covers and the official edit I made for the announcement.
I'm Fine- A Faith Raynott short story about how she deals with her family problems and heartbreak.
TDC Facts- This is not a ones shot but I wanted to have a chapter where I give you useless facts about this book.
Dancing In Our Stitch Onesies- What can happen when one moment you're stuck at home, studying, and the next you find yourself being dragged to a school party by your friends and you are wearing none other than your Stitch onesie.
Switch a Twin Part 1- A certain Disney encyclopedia dares the Bonneville twins to try and convince everyone that they are the other twin for a week. This is from the point of view of Prudence.
Switch a Twin Part 2- This is the continuation to the first part but from Love's point of view.
I hope you are excited about this as much as I am. This is just an excuse to write fanfiction for my own book and it's kind of giving a Christmas present to myself from myself. I need to finish editing the last chapter and epilogue of TDC before all these oneshots are posted so that means that I will have to post the chapter and the epilogue this week because I don't want to push it back even further. If I do push it back a week though, please know that I'm merely working on making the content good and not something crappy. Have a productive Thursday and Friday ahead of you and I will see you in the next update!
Antoana