Chapter 44: Blood, Sweat, Tears
Soundtrack: Sucker for Pain – Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft. X Ambassadors
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"Henrietta?" He muttered in surprise. He probably didn't expect that he would see me captured by the Novous.
Hindi ko nagawang makasagot agad dahil sa pagkagulat na naramdaman ko. Nanatili akong nakatulala sa kanya habang pinipilit niyang makatayo upang lumapit sa akin. Subalit mabilis na humakbang patungo sa kanya si Ephraim at saka siya sinipa nang malakas tungo sa isang tabi.
"Stay at the corner, you little, filthy rat," wika ni Ephraim habang pinapanood ang pamimilipit sa sakit ng taong walang kahirap-hirap na tumilapon sa isang sulok.
"I told you that I would find you. And I found you. You messed with the wrong person, bastard!" At muli niyang sinipa nang malakas ang bugbog niyang katawan na walang mapuntahan kung hindi ang malamig na pader. Tila isa siyang daga na nasukol ng pusa sa isang sulok at hindi niya magawang tumakas.
Sinubukan kong tumayo upang tulungan siya subalit mabilis akong naibalik ni Mikhail sa pagkakasalampak sa sahig dahil sa kahinaan ng aking katawan. Hindi ko maatim na panuorin ang ginagawa nilang pagpapahirap sa kaniya.
"You know it doesn't work that way, Henrietta," wika ni Mikhail. "You don't help him, you kill him."
Napaawang ang aking mga labi sa kanyang sinabi. He was the one they were talking about. He was my first kill. He was the one I must kill for them. He was death that would replace mine.
"Why, Henrietta? Wag mong sabihin na nagdadalawang-isip ka," tanong ni Mikhail na hindi ko masagot.
If this choice happened a few months ago when I barely knew him, I could do it. I wouldn't even flinch if I point a gun to him. I could even use him for my revenge. But after few escapes, deadly gun shots, scratches and wounds, pain and regrets, I knew I could never do it now. He wasn't a stranger anymore. He wasn't just some nameless guy I grabbed to use for my future plans. He had a name now. He was Ethan Montreal. And I couldn't kill him. Naputol ang aking pag-iisip sa malakas na paghalakhak ni Ephraim. Tiningnan ko siya at nakita ko na hawak-hawak niya ang kanyang tiyan dahil sa malakas at di-mapigilang tawa. He must be crazy to find humor in this situation.
"I get it now," tumatawa niyang sabi nang sa wakas ay kumalma siya at magawang makapagsalita. "I understand it now. Too bad, your plan didn't work, reaper." At saka siya bumaling sa aking direksyon.
Hindi ako sumagot sa kanya. Ayokong bigyan siya ng pagkakataon na kumpirmahin ang kung ano man ang nasa isip niya. Sinalubong ko ang kanyang tingin nang walang takot sa aking mga mata na mukhang hindi niya nagustuhan.
"You wanna use him to get to me, right? You know that I'm gonna look for him and that would be your chance to kill me. But something went wrong and you lost control of everything. And now, you're here. Now, you're weak. Now, you're helpless." He said those words like he was just singing a song. The smirk on his lips and the twinkle in his eyes never faltered as if some future scene was playing on his mind. He took a step closer and I braced myself from a coming strike.
Subalit wala siyang ginawa at sa halip ay yumuko siya hanggang sa mailapit niya ang kanyang mga labi sa aking tainga at pabulong na sinabing, "Regardless of what you're gonna choose, I'd still find a way to kill you." At saka muling tumayo at inayos ang bahagyang pagkakalukot ng kanyang damit. Hinabol ko sya ng mas matalim na tingin na tila hinahamon siya sa isang laban na hindi ko aatrasan. Muli siyang tumawa subalit hindi tulad ng nakaraan ay halatang mas tipid at mas mahina na ang isang iyon hanggang sa tuluyan na iyong mawala. Tinapunan niya si Ethan ng masamang tingin pagkatapos ay ako, at saka lumabas ng silid. Agad namang tinungo ni Mikhail si Ethan at saka iginapos ang mga paa at kamay nito nang mahigpit. Ipiniring rin niya ang mga mata nito.
"We'll be back, Henrietta. At sana ay nakapag-desisyon ka na. Hindi ganun kahaba ang pasensya ng mga Novou," wika ni Mikhail at saka muli akong iniupo sa upuan sa gitna ng silid. Dinagdagan niya ang lubid na nakagapos sa akin at ikinabit iyon sa upuan. Mukhang natatakot siya na sa kabila ng panghihina ng aking katawan ay magawa ko pa ring makatakas. Maya-maya pa ay pinatay niya ang nag-iisang ilaw at saka nilisan at ikinandado ang silid. Muling nabalot ng dilim ang palagid at sa pagkakataong ito ay wala na akong makita. Tanging ang presensya at ang malalalim na paghinga lang sa isang sulok ang aking nararamdaman at naririnig.
"Henrietta? Are you okay?" Muling tawag ni Ethan mula sa isang sulok. Base sa mga kaluskos na naririnig ko ay mukhang pinipilit niyang gumalaw upang hanapin ang kinaroroonan ko.
"Stay where you are. I can't see you," utos ko sa kanya.
Tumigil naman ang mga kaluskos subalit nananatili pa rin ang mabilis niyang paghinga. Alam kong kinakabahan siya. "Are you also blind-folded?" Tanong niya muli.
"No."
"What's the sense of blindfold if they're going to turn off the damn light?" Tension and frustration were evident in the tone of his voice. It seemed that darkness was making him uneasy.
Makalipas ang ilang sandali ay tila nasanay na sya sa madilim na sitwasyon kung kaya't hindi na ganun kabilis ang kanyang paghinga. Patuloy ko pa ring iniinda ang sakit ng aking katawan at unti-unti rin akong nakakaramdam ng pagkahilo na tila ba itinutulak ako upang ipikit ang aking mga mata at matulog. Subalit alam kong hindi iyon magandang ideya. Maaari silang gumawa ng hakbang habang wala akong malay kung kaya't hangga't maaari ay kailangan kong magmatyag sa aking paligid.
"I thought life has given me a second chance. I was ready to embrace it, learn from my mistakes and become a better person. I guess life has played tricks on me. There's really no escaping from the past," malungkot ang tinig na basag ni Ethan sa katahimikan. I also thought that I had set him free. I thought he would be okay now and that his fate was far better than mine. I thought I had given him a chance to change his ending. Maybe life had tricks played on us, letting us dream of a new life only to cheat us in the end, and we would just end up in the same hole we chose to dig.
"You should have treasured your second chance. You shouldn't have let them take it away from you," seryoso kong sagot sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya dadamayan sa kanyang pagsisisi. Pareho kaming minalas. Pareho kaming nasa sitwasyon kung saan gagawin mo ang lahat upang iligtas ang sarili mo.
"Mukhang sinayang ko ang pagkakataon," tila mas lalong lumungkot ang kanyang tinig at hindi na niya sinundan pa ang kanyang mga sinabi. Nanatili siyang tahimik sa loob ng ilang sandali hanggang sa ako na mismo ang magdesisyon na basagin ang katahimikan.
"How did they get you? You should be safe already. Giovanni would protect you," wika ko sa kanya. Giovanni had forgiven him and I knew he wouldn't let the Novous take him-–unless, it wasn't a Novou who actually abducted him.
"It's that reaper. Giovanni trusted him to watch over me. I thought he would bring me back to my family. But he didn't." Agad na bumigat ang aking kalooban habang kinukumpirma niya ang nasa isip ko. Giovanni made a mistake of trusting that reaper.
"Mikhail?" Sambit ko sa pangalan ng taong nasa isip ko.
"He's the one you're talking with just a while ago," pagkumpirma niya.
"It was unfair of him. He shouldn't have put his hands on you." Bakas ang galit sa aking tinig habang nakikita ko sa aking isipan ang ginawang panlilinlang ni Mikhail. Hindi kasama si Ethan sa mga taong dapat niyang sirain. Dahil sa ginawa niya ay para niya na rin itong pinatay.
"I guess there's no such thing as fairness in this game," wika niya na tahimik kong sinang-ayunan. You should never trust a reaper. They served for power. They worked for their own god. You would never get their protection if you couldn't afford it.
"Do you think you can escape this place? You're a reaper. You're the fastest person I know. You're the smartest and well, the strongest for me. You're the most beautiful, too." Naramdaman ko sa kanyang tinig ang ngiting namutawi sa kanyang labi nang sabihin niya na maganda ako. I was used to getting such comments and the way he said it was just common. Subalit ang makuha niyang purihin ang aking anyo sa kabila ng sitwasyon ay naghatid ng init sa aking damdamin. Tila bahagyang naibsan ang tensyon at takot sa paligid. "You can make you way out of here, right? You can escape and save yourself. You can do it, Henrietta."
I wasn't able to answer right away. He had known me as someone who was quite different from the person tied to a chair in the room with him now. He trusted me to do great things even though I knew that there were things that were impossible for me to do. And I was scared that I would disappoint him. He had a beautiful picture of me and I knew I had to break that image soon.
"Do you think you can escape?" Tanong niyang muli.
Huminga ako nang malalim at saka sinabing, "Yes."
"Alam kong hindi ko dapat ito tinatanong pa subalit sa tingin mo ba mayroon pang kahit maliit na tiyansa na makakaligtas ako mula rito?" Tanong niya.
Nang nanatili akong tahimik ay bumuntong-hininga siya na tila alam na niya ang sagot sa kanyang tanong. And this was probably the time when his perfect picture of me would start to break. I was no more the fastest, the smartest, the strongest and the most beautiful. I could almost hear in my mind the sound of broken glasses falling on the floor.
"Alam kong hindi na ako makakaligtas sa pagkakataong ito. Dapat ay matagal ko nang hinarap ang aking katapusan kung hindi dahil sa iyo. Nang dahil sa iyo, nagkaroon ako ng isa pang pagkakataon upang magsisi. Nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon upang humingi ng tawad. Nang dahil sa iyo, nakamit ko ang kapatawaran. At nagpapasalamat ako para sa mga pagkakataong iyon. Salamat, Henrietta."
Hindi ko namalayan ang pagpatak ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. Pinilit kong supilin iyon subalit kahit ang pag-kontrol sa aking emosyon ay hindi ko magawa. Iniisip ko kung mas mabuti ba kung hinayaan ko siyang mamatay noong araw na iyon. Mas naging madali ba ang buhay niya kung hindi ako naki-alam? Hindi mangyayari ang mga bagay na ito kung hindi ko inilagay sa aking mga kamay ang desisyon–-kung hindi ako nagpadala sa ambisyon at paghihiganti.
"Are you crying, Henrietta?" Tanong niya.
Huminga ako nang malalim at mas pinatatag ang aking tinig. "No." Tipid kong sagot.
"Tulad ng aking inaasahan," wika niyang muli.
Kung ano man ang ibig niyang sabihin ay hindi ko na itinanong pa. Ayokong marinig niya ang panginginig ng aking tinig. Hindi ko nais na malaman niya ang lungkot na aking tinatago sa kadilimang ito. Ayokong mabasa niya ang maaaring mangyari.
Hindi na kami muling nag-usap matapos iyon. Marahil ay nakatulog siya. Marahil ako ang nawalan ng malay. Tila nakalimutan ko ang realidad dahil sa aking pag-iisip. Halos malabo na ang linyang nagbubukod sa katotohanan at sa mas labis kong kinakatakutan: ang pagpili. Alam kong anumang oras mula ngayon ay kakailanganin kong pumili. Handa na ba akong pumili at isuko ang isa sa mga buhay namin? Kung hindi ko papatayin si Ethan, ang buhay ko ang magiging kapalit. Ang anumang maaaring mangyari sa kinabukasan ay mawawala sa isang iglap. Hindi ko na rin makikita ang mga taong nais kong makasama. Wala na ang sakit. Wala na ang pagkabigo. Iyon na rin ang magiging huling kamatayan. Mabubuhay si Ethan.
Subalit, bubuhayin nga ba siya ni Ephraim? Maaaring sa iba ay walang halong pandaraya ang ginagawa nilang pagpapapilit sa akin. Subalit hindi ko magawang pagkatiwalaan iyon dahil kay Ephraim. Nararamdaman ko ang panggigigil niya na tapusin si Ethan. Hindi ko rin mapagkakatiwalaan si Mikhail. Hinding-hindi na. Ang mahalaga ay maililigtas ko siya sa isang kamatayang hindi niya matatakasan. Ano man ang mangyari sa kanya matapos iyon ay sa tingin ko, kailangan niyang harapin nang mag-isa. Kailangan niyang ipagpatuloy ang pagliligtas sa kanyang sarili.
Kung pipiliin ko ang aking sarili at isaalang-alang ang kanyang buhay, magkakaroon ako ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Subalit ang pagkakataong iyon ay limitado ayon sa kagustuhan ng mga Novou. Mabubuhay ako sa ilalim nila at maaaring magkaroon sila ng kontrol sa akin. And that would be a great insult to the Freniere Mafia. They'd still try to kill me and I would have a chance to fight and kill them. I might kill Sebastian Freniere. And that was the last thing I wanted to do.
I could betray the Novous but I was sure they were going to get me and my family. They were not easy to kill. I wasn't a reaper anymore and I couldn't get protection from the Mafia. I would get killed by them and waste Ethan's sacrifice. And that was one of the last things I wanted to happen.
Nagulat ako sa pagbukas ng pinto at pagbaha ng liwanag sa silid. Matapos iyon ay magkakasunod na pumasok sina Mikhail, Elle, Ephraim at Declan. Nanatili sa sulok si Ethan habang nakikiramdam siya sa mga yabag sa sahig na kanyang naririnig. Huminto sa tapat ko si Mikhail at tumingala ako upang magtama ang aming paningin.
"It's time. I hope you've made your decision," seryoso niyang sabi at saka kinalas ang lubid na nagtatali sa akin sa upuan. Nang tuluyan nang makalas ang lubid na iyon ay hinila niya ako pataas upang makatayo. Subalit halos hindi ko na maramdaman ang aking mga binti at kung bibitiwan niya ako, nasisiguro ko na ako'y matutumba. Lumapit si Elle sa akin at inilabas ang isang syringe na may kulay gintong likido. Agad akong nagpumiglas at pinilit na gumawa ng distansya mula sa kanya subalit napanatili ako ni Mikhail sa aking kinatatayuan.
"Don't worry, it's not EOL. This drug is just going to weaken your physical ability to move and fight us. Hindi nito maaapektuhan ang iyong pag-iisip kung kaya't malaya kang makakapag-isip at gumawa ng desisyon. We can't risk you gaining strength. Hindi ko gustong makagawa ka ng pinsala sa aming teritoryo," paliwanag ni Elle habang diretsang nakatingin sa akin.
"No," I protested. If it's not for the ropes in my hands and legs, I'd try to grab it and push the syringe on her body. But I was helpless against Mikhail and the other Novous were watching me. Protesting was futile.
"Now, stay still and be a good girl," she said and pushed the syringe on the side of my arm. I whimpered as I felt the needle against my skin.
I saw Ethan trying to move forward from the corner and said, "Henrietta? Are you okay? What did they do to you?" He sounded worried and I just couldn't let him think of me in this situation when in fact, he was the one who should be worried for his life.
Agad na nakalapit sa kanya si Ephraim at saka siya hinila patayo sa kanyang leeg at inundayan ng suntok. Agad na tumilapon pabalik sa isang tabi si Ethan.
"Henrietta--are you--okay?" Nahihirapan niya pa ring tanong habang idinudura ang dugo sa kanyang bibig na dulot ng malakas na pagkakasuntok sa kanya ni Ephraim.
"Yes!" Malakas kong sagot nang tanggalin ni Elle ang pagkakasaksak ng syringe sa aking braso. Inalis ni Mikhail ang pagkakagapos ng aking mga kamay at saka ako binitiwan. Agad akong bumagsak sa sahig.
Nararamdaman ko ang labis na panghihina ng aking katawan. Halos hindi ako matulungan ng aking mga braso upang maiangat ang aking sarili. Nararamdaman ko rin na nahihirapan akong huminga. Muli kong pinilit na tumayo subalit muli rin akong nabigo. Naisip ko na kung makakalayo ako nang kaunti mula sa kanila ay mabibigyan ako ng pagkakataon upang makaipon ng lakas kung kaya't nagsimula akong gumapang. Subalit hindi pa ako nakakalayo ng ilang pulgada ay may tumapak sa aking binti na dahilan upang mapatigil ako at mapasigaw sa sakit. I could feel a wound opening up and starting to bleed.
"Where do you think you're going?" Tanong ni Elle at mas lalo pang nilakasan ang pagkakatapak sa aking binti na muli kong ikinasigaw. Mas lalo akong nanghina dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Mala-munggong butil ng pawis ang nararamdaman ko sa aking noo. Lumapit sa akin si Ephraim at hinatak ako patayo. Tila isa akong lantang-gulay na walang magawa kundi ang hayaan silang kontrolin ang aking katawan.
"There's no escaping, reaper," wika ni Ephraim at saka iniharap ako kay Ethan. "You kill him and work for us. Or we will kill you." Subalit nang magtama ang aming mga mata ay alam kong may nais pa siyang sabihin na hindi ko magugustuhan.
Tila naman natigilan at nagulat si Ethan mula sa kanyang kinauupuan. Bagama't wala siyang nakikita dahil sa kanyang piring sa mga mata ay nanatili siyang nakaharap sa akin. Tila gusto niyang magsalita dahil sa maya't mayang pagbukas ng kanyang bibig subalit pinili niyang sarilinin iyon at ipinid ang kanyang mga labi.
Elle was already on my other side and touching my arms gently like a tigress towards its helpless prey. She started touching my shoulder, towards my elbow and down to my fingers where she took my hand and raised it in front of me. "What a beautiful candle-like fingers you have! Who would believe that they're soaked in blood?" She moved closer until I could feel her lips at the edge of my ears. "Kill him and be one of us," she whispered. I saw that she was holding a gun in her other hand. I watched as she put it in my hands and point it at Ethan's direction.
"Pull the trigger," Ephraim hissed on my other side. His filthy grin was plastered on his face.
I looked at Ethan and saw that he was trembling, probably of fear or anticipation. "Will it save you, Henrietta?" He asked.
Hindi ko magawang sumagot. Nasisiguro ko ang panginginig ng aking tinig sa sandaling magsalita ako. Hindi ko rin alam ang sasabihin sa kanya dahil kapag sinabi kong maililigtas ako ng kamatayan niya ay para ko na rin sinabi na papatayin ko siya. Iniisip ko rin na kunin ang baril at iligtas ang aming sarili subalit ang bawat kalamnan ko ay namamanhid dahil sa kung anumang inilagay nila sa aking katawan. Tila bumigat ako nang maraming beses at ang anumang gawin ko ay kakain ng mahabang oras. Nararamdaman ko ang pag-guhit ng pawis sa aking likuran at iba pang parte ng aking katawan.
"Henrietta?" Ethan's voice was marked with grief and acceptance. He already knew what would happen and despite that, he still wasn't ready. But then, the firmness in his voice said that he's going to accept it anyway.
"Yes." Maybe I was sweating. Maybe I was bleeding. I could smell the rusty and salty atmosphere of the room. I was drowned in blood and sweat and suffocated by fear. And I was scared by that fear itself because I knew what that fear could do. I knew where this fear could lead us.
"Then do it. Save yourself!" Malakas niyang sigaw na tila gusto na niyang mabilis na matapos ang lahat. Mas naging madilim ang kulay ng telang nakapiring sa kanyang mga mata at alam kong nababasa ang mga iyon ng mga luhang sinasalo mula sa kanya. "It's okay, Henrietta. I'm okay."
"Ethan," I whispered feeling exhausted.
Elle moved and bit the edge of my ear and I flinched. "I'm getting impatient, Reaper." And she managed to get a Swiss knife from her long sleeves. "Are you going to do it or not?" She asked.
Diretsa akong tumingin kay Ethan at sinabing, "I can't."
It took few seconds before she pushed me on my knees and slashed the clothing at my back. The Novous took a moment to stare at my tattoo before Elle pushed the tip of her knife against my skin. I gritted my teeth as I stopped myself from crying loudly. She put the gun in my hands again and ordered, "Kill him now if you want it to stop."
I didn't answer and instead, I focused on the pain and the job of enduring it. She began to push deeper and I couldn't help the whimper and short cries escaping from my lips.
"Henrietta! Are you okay?" Nag-aalalang tanong ni Ethan nang marinig niya ang aking pagdaing. Hindi ko siya sinagot. Ayokong malaman niya pa kung ano ang nangyayari. Ayokong maging dahilan upang tuluyan na siyang sumuko.
"I know they're hurting you. Whatever they're doing to you, I know you're trying your best to hide it from me. But I can feel it, Henrietta. The moment you let me stayed in the tree house, I knew I was having some part of you. You let me into a place where you hide a young, fragile, Henrietta. I can't tell how lucky I was. I was so lucky to know you. And right now, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I want no more pain for you. So please, just do it."
Tears began to trace their way to my cheeks. I didn't know how much he understood my pain but the truth was, he came to know me. He had seen me. And now, he was choosing me over himself. The guilt was starting to grow bigger now that it was turning into a terrifying monster. The blood and sweat were joined by tears and my weakness was inexorably crawling up to me.
"I can't do it! I can't do it!" I wept and pushed the gun away from me. I continued crying while telling them that I couldn't do it and let my tears drop on the floor. It was exhausting and finally, I gave up. I was sure of the decision I made and would get the consequences of it but I would never regret it. I refused to kill and somehow, I felt relief.
Elle took the gun and stood up. "Very well, then," she said and tied my hands again.
I looked up and saw Mikhail and Ephraim walk towards Ethan and grab his arms. My heart was thumping against my chest as I feared for what they were going to do to him.
"Take him out." She ordered which they followed.
Nang makalabas na sina Ephraim, Mikhail at Ethan ng silid ay muling bumaling saakin si Elle at saka hinawakan ng kanyang mga daliri ang tattoo sa aking likod. "And as for you, you've already made your decision. A really bad decision."
And she slashed her knife deep across my tattoo as I screamed in scorching, excruciating pain.