Okay, so I lied. Sort of. I might be pregnant. I haven't taken a test yet or anything, but I was a week and a half late for my period. However, it was a good chance, since I have been normal up until this point in time. I didn't know what to do. If I was, I didn't have Jack in my life, and if I wasn't, I would have lied to him, even though I thought that I had been. It was a mess that I didn't mean to get into. Maybe I was desperate to see if he'd stay.
I signed in, and headed back to my bed. To my surprise, Allison was there on her computer. Okay, half my surprise. I didn't expect her to be here, but if she was, she'd be on her computer. Anyway, I flopped down on my bed and let out a heavy sigh. "Hey, Emily, what's wrong?"
"I think Jack and I are done. For real this time," I said sitting up.
"What?" She walked over to me and sat by my feet. "Why?"
"He said that I looked sickly and that he couldn't deal with it," I said, shrugging. "I think I want to focus on myself, though," I said. "I don't think I was ready for a relationship."
Allison tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. "There's something else, isn't there?"
"Maybe," I said, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my head. "Yeah." Allison looked to me and scooted closer, tilting her head. I could feel her eyes pierce me, even though I wasn't looking at her. I couldn’t stand it anymore. She didn't have to say anything, and I didn't have to look at her to spill the beans. "I, uh... There might be a possibility I am pregnant," I said.
Allison was quiet. All she did was stand up and walk to her computer, opening a drawer and walking back to me. She placed a pregnancy test in front of me on the bed. "Take that right when you wake up. If it's positive, we go to the health clinic to get your blood drawn and they can tell you from there." I shrugged and sighed some. This was going to be a long night.
My phone had started ringing and it was a picture of Jack making a heart with his hands. I pressed ignore and laid down. After a while, I heard another beep, and checked my phone. It was a voicemail. Do I dare check it? I stared at it for what seemed like the longest time, before I called it. I put in my code and went to the messages, listening to it.
Jack was sniffling and made his words sound as clean as he could: "Emily, I don't know what threw you off this far, but if you're pregnant, I... I have to be there. I need to talk to you, Emily. Please. Just... Call me back. I do need to talk to you and love you." He had hung up and I decided that I wouldn't call him unless I got a positive test result on my blood work.
Continuing my bad habit, I didn't eat that night. But it wasn't because I was watching what I (wasn't) eating; it was because I was too stressed, and I didn't want to puke up what starving kids in the street could be eating. Not my puke, but the food before I would get sick. But... if I were pregnant, I would need to eat.
I barely got any sleep that night. Thinking about my future and what my parents would say to me. My parents were coming back into my mind again, and I laid there, eyes wide open, as I let tears fall from my face. I couldn't open my lips, it felt like someone had glued them shut. The horrors I saw in my mind scared me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't blink, I couldn't move. I was stuck.
I had finally fell asleep just before dawn, and woke up about two hours later. I had no messages on my phone, and I had no calls. Allison was out in the lobby, as I laid in bed. Everything was real, still. It wasn't a dream. It wouldn't go away if I forgot about it. It was all still here. And I had no choice but to deal with it.
Remembering the test the second I woke up from my so called rest, I grabbed it and read the instructions. Pee on a stick and wait. Seemed simple enough as I headed to the bathroom with my phone and did as it said.
And I had waited. I put the test face down and I just stared at it. For longer than needed. Picking up my phone, I dialed the office number. Before Allison could speak, I told her to get in the bathroom of our room ASAP.
She had came in quickly as I sat on the toilet. "I can't look," I said pointing to the test. She picked it up and looked to me. "Is it good?"
"Depends on what good would be to you," she said.
"Anything. I don't know."
She showed me and there it was. It was a face looking at me. It looked like it had devil horns, but that's just because I drew them on in my mind. It was a smile face. Meaning, chances are, I was pregnant. With Jack's child. I hung my head and shook it. It had to be a false positive. There was no possible way that this could have been happening to me.
"When do we leave?" I asked through trembling lips.
"Lunch sound good?" Lunch. Reminded me of food and how much I didn't want to eat. I nodded anyway and just sat there, staring at the test. That evil fucking thing was laughing at me. If I happened to be pregnant, it was my own fault, not taking any measures to prevent it recently.
After a while, I decided to get dressed. I put on some jeans and a long shirt with my flats. I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth and lifted my shirt, imagining myself being pregnant. I pushed out my stomach and poked at it a bit. I was not ready for this at all.
Walking out of the bathroom, I grabbed my bag and phone, and looked to Allison. I pointed to the car after I signed out, telling her I'd be waiting for her. She had nodded and I just looked at my phone, going through all the pictures of Jack and I. I missed him, but what if he just wanted to say he would be there, just so I'd come back? And then chicken out as time came close to d-day?
Allison walked out and got in as we drove to the clinic. There was nothing but silence and I just sighed. I wasn't ready for this, and what would happen to my job?
We arrived and got out, walking through the doors. There was a girl in a patterned shirt with a smile on her face. "How can I help you?"
"I need some blood work done," I said as she handed me a clipboard and a pen.
"Just fill this out and we will call you back when you finish."
I headed back to my seat next to Allison who had already sat down, and started to fill everything out. After about 20 minutes, I handed her back the clipboard as she overlooked it and told me to come to the back with her. I motioned Allison to come back with me and we went through the big door that she had opened for us as she told me to sit in a car with one arm rest.
She had told me the usual and going over what would happen. She'd take my blood and it'd take a week to process everything, then they'll give me a call with the results, that could be mailed or received in person. I nodded as she wrapped a band around my arm and I turned the other way. Allison held onto my hand as she took an alcohol wipe and cleaned the area, finally getting out the needle. "I'm going to poke you in... three, two, one," as she drove the needle in my arm. I twitched my foot and gripped Allison's hand as she nodded, "Good, you're doing good, just one more tube," she said switching them out. She put a cotton ball over the needle and pulled it out. "Hold that, please," she said as I nodded and she took tape, placing it over the site that had been poked.
I always hated getting shots. It's not like they hurt, but I could hear the sound it made when it pierced your skin, and it just always made me cringe.
We walked out and went back to the office, and I decided to clock in to help Allison with the desk work, since there seemed to have been a lot of paper work to be filed. That and to take my mind off of Jack.
There wasn't really a lot of walking around, but a lot of back and fourth in the chair. I started to feel dizzy and faint as I told Allison that I'd be back and I had to go rest my head for a moment.
Of course, I knew what was happening, but I didn't want to admit it. I walked to the room, swaying slightly, as I finally reached it, and flopped on my bed.
-----
I had woke up and everyone was sleeping, so I headed to the fridge, stealing someone's carrots. I munched on a few of them, and put them back, getting a glass of water and drinking it. Heading back to the room, I sat down and texted Jack.
There was lipstick on the fork when we ate lunch. Whose was it?
I stared at it, and almost didn't send it, but I did anyway. I waited for a reply, but never got one. I shut my phone off and went back to bed, still tired.
It was the same thing every day until I had gotten my results. Eating a little more, but just vegetables and fruit, I had felt a little better, but still tired. Draggy. Nauseous. Still no word from Jack.
With Allison next to me, we headed off to the clinic once again, telling her why we were there. This time it was a young girl. She nodded and said we'll get called back when they're free.
Allison picked up a baby magazine and smiled "Look at this baby. You and Jack's could be up in a magazine," she said smiling. I rolled my eyes as she flipped through the pages, and I waited. Anxiously.
We finally had gotten called back and I followed the lady to a desk as she sat down and pulled out the papers.
The lady was an older girl. Short blonde hair, almost starting to grey as she smiled. "Hi, My name is Betty. Emily, is it?"
"That's me," I said leaning forward. "What's the news?"
"Well, there's a few. You are pregnant, that was clear, however, your health at this rate would not be able to support the baby past 3 months. This is a list of things that you should be eating on a month to month basis, and right now you'd probably be in the one and a half month section. If you need any assistance, we can help you with that, but it'd require about two hours of your time."
I shook my head and smiled, "No, I'm alright. I have a sturdy job, and my boyfriend is set with money," I had thought about what I said. What boyfriend? Jack and I broke up.
"We also want to do an ultrasound soon, so we can be sure of where you are in your progress and to check to see if the child is growth is okay. We have an opening in three hours if you'd like to schedule that," she said pulling up something on her computer. I nodded as she put in my information and handed me a card. "It'll be here, so just walk back in and tell them. They'll set you up." I nodded and headed out with Allison.
We had got into the car and I shook my head as she smiled. "You're going to be a mommy!" She said.
"Awesome. With who as the dad?" I asked, driving to the office. We sat in the parking lot and looked at each other. It was all too much for me to take in. "I'm going to sit out here for a little bit, Allison. Get my act together," I said. "You can go inside. I probably won't be back until after my appointment." She had nodded, giving me a big hug and getting out. "Hey," I said. She turned around and looked at me. "Don't tell Alex," I said. "Don't tell a soul."
"On my life," she said, nodding and left.
I turned my phone on and waited for everything to load. I had accumulated about nine texts, three calls and one voice mail. All from Jack. Pretty much all had said what was going on, wondering where I was and that he needed to talk to me.
Over the phone was not going to work. It was going to be in person. I was scared to face him, but I had to sooner or later. I decided to text him, telling him to be ready when I got there. I got a reply back, k he said. That's it. This was going to be an awesome trip.
I drove to Jack's house, starting to shake and feel nervous, almost sick to my stomach. I had no idea if I was going to actually vomit, or if it was just my stomach going into knots.
Arriving at Jack's house, I honked the horn once, and he walked outside, taking his time. He got in my car and buckled up, handing me a glass of a pink thick liquid. "What is this?" I asked, looking at it.
"Just drink it. You'll like it," he said. I shrugged and did as he said. It was a fruit smoothie with a bit of an odd taste to it. But it was good, none the less.
"What is it?"
"It's a health drink. It has a lot of healthy stuff in it, so you don't have to deprive yourself of nutrition. Listen, I still care about you, but if you aren't going to work with me, talk to me, then this will not work out. I won't be able to do this at all."
I shook my head, unbuckled and took another drink, and set it down in the cup holder. "I”m going to have to anyway. And you're going to have to be patient." He looked to me and had the look like he was watching one really weird porn.
"What are you talking about? You're not..." he paused, then continued, "Are you?"
Scratching my eyebrow, I had bit my bottom lip and turned facing the front way. I just looked forward and gripped the steering wheel at the bottom. It was awkward. The silence. I didn't know what was going on through his mind. "I have an ultrasound appointment in a few hours. I wanted you to be there," I said.
Jack had sat back in the seat and put a hand on his head. I couldn't tell if he was dumbfounded or upset. After I let him gather his thoughts for a moment, I broke the silence with the last thing he wanted to hear being asked: "What did you need to talk to me about?"
He was quiet for a few more moments, whether it was about the pregnancy or my question, I had no clue. Finally, he spoke. "Honestly, I was looking at pictures. They had me ask what ones looked best. But then... Erin came up to me. She started hitting on me, and I had to sit her down and explain that even though we didn't work directly with each other, the past had to be behind us. Then she had kissed me. She wouldn't back off, and I literally had to shove her off me. She was crying, saying she missed me because she saw me with you. She's the past, and I think she understands that her and I are not a thing anymore. I hope so, anyway."
I just shook my head. Whether or not it was true or not, it still hurt to hear that his lips had been on another girl's. Taking a drink I looked down and shook my head, trying not to cry. He put his arms around me and just hugged me. I had no words to say to him.
"I know you're hurt, but it wasn't my fault," he said. "I understand what you're going through, at least a little bit. I've been cheated on, and it was their choice, their ex didn't just come up and kiss them. And as for the tour, you get depressed and then happy, and sad. All these mixed feelings, and I get it. But," he said, holding my hand, "We can do this. You just have to talk."
I let a tear roll down my face and just sniffled. I've been such a bitch to Jack, and I just felt awful. He just hugged me again, kissing the side of my head for a few moments and then looked to me.
"I'm sorry," I said, almost sobbing.
"Can you do this? Can you talk more? Because I can't read your mind, Em. I want to, so that you don't have to ask, but I really can't." I just nodded and finished my drink he gave me.
We just sat in the car for a little bit, before heading off, just trying to understand each other in silence. It was a hard thing to do, but for the sake of our relationship, and our child, I had to change or else it wouldn't end well -- for any of us.
I had drove off, Jack holding my hand and smiling. I didn't know how to react at all and I didn't want to. I still had the shock of being pregnant stuck in my head. Even though I wasn't a single mother, I was still an unwed mother to be, and I knew exactly what my parents would say. It had felt like they were haunting me, and I had to do something. I had to visit my parents after my appointment.
We had arrived and the same girl was at the desk that was there earlier. "Emily Beckett, I'm here for an ultrasound."
She had nodded, telling me to take a seat as she eyed Jack. I don't know what for, but if it was anything other than him looking familiar, she had best back the fuck off.
I held Jack's hand and laid my head on his shoulder. This guy I’ve known for only a short amount of time, and now we were going to have a child together. It was a real slap to the face, honestly.
Jack and I got called back (well, I did, but Jack came along), and we went into a room with a girl on a machine. She was probably around 30 years old and very happy. "Hi, my name is Megan. I'll be your UT today. Your name is Emily, right?" I nodded as I sat down on the chair and laid back. "And who is this?" She asked, politely.
"This is Jack. He's the father."
"Good, good," she smiled as she asked me to lift up my shirt and put some cold goo on my stomach. It seemed to be a lot, but I suppose it was necessary. She had moved the transducer around my stomach as she had found the baby. "And this is your baby right here," she said pointing to a blob on the screen. Jack had held my hand and knelt down to my height and kissed the side of my head. "Your baby looks like it's just approaching 8 weeks now, and will soon be sprouting fingers and toes. Is this your first?"
"Yeah, it is," I said, nodding. She had pushed a button and I wasn't aware of what she was doing, I had other things to worry about. "What do I do as far as now?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Like, as far as food and making sure the baby is okay?"
She had started to wipe off my stomach from the goo and blinked for a moment. "You can just eat healthy things. No smoking, no drinking. Take some pre-natal vitamins. You are able to run and go swimming, just no scorching hot showers, no jacuzzi. It'll boil your child. In frank terms."
I had nodded and looked to Jack, hoping he had all of that. She finished cleaning me up and I had sat up. "Do I need to make another appointment at the window, or...?"
"Yep, they'll probably do another one in about two months, to see how your baby is doing and all that stuff. Here you go," she said, handing us pictures of the baby she took. There were four of them, but they all looked the same to me. We shook her hand, thanking her as we walked out, and scheduled another appointment.
Jack and I had got into the car and we split the pictures. Two to him, two to me. He had started to shake his head and then looked to me. "This is real, right?" I nodded and put one of the pictures on my dashboard in the corner so it wouldn't obstruct my speed or gas tank meter. I had felt a tear roll down my cheek and just shook my head.
"This is all happening so quickly, and I just hope we're doing the right thing. Do... Do we tell anyone?" Jack shrugged a bit, still looking at the little blob. I took a picture of the one I had in my hand and sent it to Allison. She had called me as soon as she got it.
I had put it on speaker so Jack could hear. "Oh my gosh, Emily! It's so cute! Are you two happy?"
"It's a slap in the face," I had said as Jack was doing the same thing with his parents that I had done for Allison. "But I think once it wears down, we will be happy."
"No more fighting?"
"No," Jack and I said together.
"Can I tell Alex? Please?"
I told Allison, "How about you call Alex, tell them that Emily and Jack are on their way over to tell him and Zack something. If Rian is there, bonus."
"Will do. I'm so proud of you guys," she said, hanging up.
Being on and off with Jack will have to change, and real quick. If I didn't find a happy place to spill the beans, but keep some still in, it was going to end up the same way once again, and I couldn't deal with it this way.
Jack had got a call from someone. I had assumed it was his mom or dad, as I listened to him talk while I drove.
"Hey mom. Thanks," he said with a smile. "Yeah, just now. I don't know, really. It's hard right now. Something else. No. Yeah. I don't know yet. I'll let you know more details later. Yup. Mm-hmm. Love... Love you too. Bye." After hanging up he put a hand on my leg. "She's worried."
"About what?" I asked, eyes on the road. I was a little more relaxed now that most things were off my chest.
"You. And me. Us."
"But why? We'll figure it out," I said.
"Yeah, but she told me that this was the easy part. There was a long way to go, still." I nodded and pulled into Alex's house, as Jack grabbed the pictures.
"You ready for this?" I asked.
"As long as you are." Uhm, no. Not really.
"I guess. Now or never," I said.
We got out and Jack walked in the door. "Alex, it's Jack. Emily and I have to talk to you," he said. Alex wasn't in the living room or kitchen, but we had heard noise from his bedroom. It was soft whispering and Jack looked at me. I shrugged as he put the hand that held the pictures behind his hip, as if he was just waiting for him to come out.
He had finally appeared, his hair a mess as he straightened out his shirt. "Hey, Jack. Emily." He had smiled and hugged Jack. "What's going on?"
"I could ask you the same question," he said as he quickly changed the subject. "Sit down, I have something to tell you."
He sat down and looked to us, as we sat on each side of him. "Hey, if this is about that prank I pulled... It wasn't what it seemed."
"No, uh, it's not about that. It's that maybe Rian won't be the only father in the family."
Alex looked to us confused. "Is it Allison? She's--"
"No, she's fine. Still normal," I said.
Jack handed Alex the pictures as he flipped through them then looked to Jack, pointing. "You?" He nodded with a slight smile. "Bro, shit. That's awesome. Who is it with?" He chuckled elbowing my arm slightly. "I'm kidding. Hey, kids. Congratulations," he just stared at the pictures and looked to Jack. "How's it feel?"
"I don't quite know yet. This is brand new, actually. We just got them."
"How far?"
"Around 8 weeks," I said.
"Wow," Alex said. "This is... Weird. You're Jack, man. I didn't think I'd see this day. Fucking awesome, man." He nodded as we heard footsteps.
The room had instantly gotten cold as we looked back to see a brunette with long hair walk out of the bedroom in a Ravens jersey and short shorts that were pretty much unseen. It was the same girl from the rooftop we saw with him weeks prior. It was quiet as we all looked to her, except for Alex. He hung his head, in shame, and from there on out, there was no words said between any of us. Just stares.