Look for the <> for when to listen to the song!!
Love ya!
Darla h
The jackhammer in my head was the first thing that I was aware of the next day. I pushed against my head, hoping that it would fade into nothing but this was a wishful thought and after a minute it seemed like the jackhammer would not fully relent. With a frown, I looked at the time and saw that it was seven in the morning. It was a little too early for anyone else to be up on summer break holiday. Frustration consumed me as I wondered why I couldn't sleep in like my sister. Just another thing that was wrong with me. I was a teen that couldn't sleep past 8:30.
With study hands, I slowly climbed down from my bunk, careful not to wake Farrah, who slept in the bunk below. Even with her own room, she slept in the empty bed below mine most nights. She used to not do this, but a lot changed after I got cancer and now, she stayed there to monitor me. She never stated this but we both knew it. Regardless of the facts, I let her, since liked her here with me.
Farrah slept peacefully in the bed, her light summer covers laid half on her and half off. Her medium-length dark blonde hair was a mess, some of it covering her face, but that didn't seem to bother her as she tossed in her sleep.
Habitually, I looked at my short blonde hair that didn't touch my shoulders with regret. It was such a long time since I had the length of hair she had. I missed it. I didn't linger on this thought for long, knowing that there was a list of things that I missed from my old life. Instead, I grabbed a change of clothes, then went into the bathroom.
As I changed into a running outfit, I looked at myself in the bathroom's mirror. My skin and pale blonde hair were almost the same color, not suiting the summer weather. My fingers traced the shadows of my collar bones that were way too prominent for my body. I was too bony. Too sickly. Too sad. Unable to stare at myself any longer, I turned away from my reflection.
<>
My toes were the only things that touched the carpeted stairs as I made my way to the front door, ready to break free for a moment and take in the sunny morning. A smile etched across my face as I put on my shoes. I was seizing the day, escaping while I could when no one could see me. They didn't any me to run; it wasn't good for my health, or so I was told. But I didn't want to listen. I wanted to be the boss of my body because it was mine. No one should tell me how to live.
As I opened the front door, I heard my dad's voice ring out from the top of the stairs. "Where are you going?"
I looked at him, then at the door with a frown. I was so close but yet one word from him would crush my early summer dreams. I wrapped my fingers around the brass handle as if it would cement the fact that I would go out. "Just going for a walk," I lied confidently.
He sighed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, hinting that he just woke. Maybe, if I was lucky, in his sleepiness he would let me go. "At least take someone with you."
Never. Anyone in the house would stop me before I would run down the driveway. I wanted this to be for me, only me. To reassure him, I gave him a smile. "I won't be long."
He sighed with a yawn, too tired to think about it. "Ok. Just come back soon."
I nodded, holding back a smile as I walked out the door to the outside. The air smelt so fresh as I took a deep breath of it. Bird songs filled the air as if they were presenting a grand performance. The early summer season reminded me that it was still chilly in the mornings, but I didn't mind. In the early morning, it was so peaceful, nothing was around to shut me down. I like this.
Without hesitation, I started a light jog down the road we lived on. I hadn't gone out running in months and I didn't realize how much I missed it until now. Soon I was going at a fast pace. My feet hit the pavement with force as I tried to keep an even pace. It wasn't long though until my vision blurred on the sides, causing me to stumble to a stop, barely able to catch my breath. My butt landed on the wet grass beside the road as I felt light-headed. I put my head between my knees as I took deep breaths as I tried to get myself to feel better.
After a minute, I felt a slight improvement and I was able to lift my head and look where I was at. The house behind me had a for sale sign on the front lawn and no one was out walking on the street because of the hour. Realizing that I was the only one out here, I shouted out of frustration.
I picked up a small rock to the side of me and threw it across the road as hard as I could, hitting a mailbox on the other side of the road with a soft clink. Tears threatened to run down my face as anger, sadness, frustration hit me like I just hit the mailbox. This was not fair. I remember when I used to go out for a run for an hour, with no problems. It was easy then. Why couldn't I do the things that I used to do? It was only two years ago. I should be able to still do the same things. I wanted to.
"Um, are you ok?" a boy asked from behind me.
My blood ran cold as I realized I wasn't the only one on this street. I turned my head to face him so fast I am sure I gave myself whiplash. This young man with black hair standing tall behind me had a frown on his face, as if concerned and extremely confused all at once.
I thought this house was still for sale. "Yeah. Just fine," I said with harshness in my voice, not caring about being polite. He crashed my moment, my privet moment that no one ever got to see. He didn't deserve the polite verson of me. With some struggle, I got up from the grass and brushed myself off. Saying nothing more, I ran off again to get myself home.
A small chuckle escaped my lips, thinking about what just happened. That was embarrassing and if I was lucky, I won't see him again. If I was lucky, he was just visiting, and he didn't even live here.
My feet skidded to a stop at the foot of our driveway. I passed back and forth at the foot of the drive until I was positive my breathing was normal, and no one would notice that I went running. With slow, careful steps, I walked up the drive and I opened the door to the house. A quiet prayer echoed my mind, hoping I wouldn't draw attention to myself.
"Clare. Where were you?" mom's voice rang out as she came from the living room with her PJ's still on. She looked at me through her reading glasses that slid halfway down her narrow nose.
"I just went out for a small walk," I lied. If she knew what I had just done, she would freak out and so she would never know.
"Alone?" she questioned as she pushed up her glasses up her nose.
I shrugged, being as calm as I could so she couldn't see through my lie. "Well, no one was up, and I didn't want to wait. I heard that today was going to be hot, and I wanted to go before that point." She eyed me disbelievingly in silence. Before I ran this lie deeper into the ground, I tucked my short blonde hair behind my ear and said, "I need to take a shower."
She sighed after a moment. "Well, I've just found out that we have some new people living in the neighborhood. Do you want to help me make and deliver some cookies for them?"
Not thinking much about it I replied, "sure. I'll help you with that." With that, I walked up the stairs to shower.
The warm water felt like a well needed hug and I probably stayed more time under the water then I should have. After I got out of the shower, I put a headband in my hair to keep it out of my face. I changed into some T-shirt that was too big on me and shorts, then went back downstairs into the kitchen. There, waiting for me, was mom playing on her tablet with a concentrated look on her face, the same look that Farrah had. They were the same person; I swear. Me, on the other hand, I thought I was more like my father. "Ok, ready?"
She looked up at me and turned off her tablet. "Yeah. Let's get them started." She stood up from her chair and watched as she got her cookbook out then flipped through the stained pages as she tried to find a good recipe. "Have any ideas on what to make?"
I sat down in the same chair she was in. "Mmm.. that's a good question. How many people are in the family?"
"I heard just three in the family. That's all I know," she said and sat back down next to me at the kitchen table.
"Cupcakes are always nice," I suggested to her as I pointed to a picture of a cupcake in her cookbook.
She nodded and handed me the book. "Ok let's do that."
"Ok, so you will need two eggs, a stick of butter, flour, coco..." I continued to name off all the ingredients that she needed and I watched her walk around the kitchen, getting the needed things.
As I told her the instructions, regret bubbled within me over missed time. It made me realize we hadn't had a simple conversation in far too long. Without the stress of hospitals or waiting rooms, we could bond for a moment like a normal mother and daughter should. Overcome with emotion, I realized that once again cancer robbed me of something else.