I hate thunderstorms. They're too loud and bright and for some reason they only happen when I'm trying to sleep.
I'm lying in Riley's bed later that night trying to fall asleep but it's no use, the thunder is too loud and my head won't stop spinning. After my kiss with Zay, Josh disappeared back upstairs and I hadn't seen him since. Callie had even slipped out without a prolonged, overdramatic goodbye.
I sigh deeply turning to face Riley as I watch her sleep soundly. She's always been a heavy sleeper and tonight was no different, she was sleeping through the whole storm. I grab my cell phone and think about texting Zay but it's one in the morning, there's no way he's still awake. I could get up but there are so many people I could run into. I debate my options of staying in bed or getting up for a few seconds before I finally decide to slip out of bed.
I tiptoe towards the door and open it slowly, shutting it behind me quickly waiting to hear the click before walking towards the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water but as I get closer I realize the kitchen is already occupied.
"Are you really sure this is what you want?" I hear Cory ask filling my head with confusion. Who was he talking to?
"No I'm not but it's the only responsible thing to do Cor" the other voice responds and suddenly I'm glued to my spot on the floor. The other voice belonged to Josh.
"Josh you're an adult. You can make your own decisions, I just don't want you regretting this."
"Cory as of a few weeks ago I don't have free will anymore. I have to be there for Callie in every way possible." As he talks my head won't stop spinning. What is he talking about? What happened a few weeks ago?
"But marriage?" I hear Cory ask. The word makes my breath hitch in my throat and suddenly I hear Josh and Cory shout out, "who's there?"
I make my way around the corner and the second Josh's eyes land on me his face falls.
"Shit. Maya" Josh says pleadingly but I'm already running out of the room. I run into the bathroom and lock the door. I brace myself against the sink taking deep breaths trying to calm myself down. Marriage? Josh wanted to marry Callie. He was promising me someday while he was planning on marrying someone else. It just didn't add up. Suddenly I hear a knock on the door.
"Go away Josh" I sigh annoyed knowing it's him.
"No Maya. Come on, open the door" he pleads making me moan in annoyance as I throw open the door locking eyes with Josh.
"What?" I ask annoyed.
"How long were you standing there?" he asks worriedly.
"Long enough" I reply, crossing my arms across my chest.
"Why are you even awake Maya? I thought everyone was asleep."
"The storm" I say motioning towards the window revealing the raging storm outside.
"You're afraid of thunderstorms?"
"Don't change the subject. You're marrying Callie. Congrats" I spit at him as I try to brush past him but he catches my wrist and pulls me into his bedroom. "Josh, I just want to go back to Riley's room" I complain as I look up at him.
"Can you please just give me a second to explain?"
"Explain what Josh? You fell in love with someone else, we weren't together, and it's not a big deal" I lie avoiding his gaze.
"See that right there. That's why we have to talk" he insists as he starts pacing the floor. "Maya there are things you don't know."
"Then tell me" I exclaim growing angry as I look up at him finally. "If there is some big, huge secret that you're keeping that will somehow make this all make sense then tell me" I shout as tears stream down my face rapidly. Josh walks over wiping away my tears.
"She's pregnant Maya" he whispers so quietly that if the thunder had clapped at that moment I wouldn't have heard him. My heart drops at his confession. She was pregnant, Josh was going to be a dad.
"It's yours?" I mumble avoiding his gaze again.
"She says it is" he confesses and suddenly I have hope that maybe it isn't.
"But it is possible?" I ask for verification that Josh had actually slept with Callie and he nods sadly making my heart break a little bit. I mean I knew it was stupid to think he'd wait for me but it still hurt to have confirmation.
"Look Maya. Callie was just a friend. We met last year, got pretty close and everyone started calling us boyfriend and girlfriend. It got annoying having to correct them all the time so we just started going with it. Andrew mentioned her once around Cory and Topanga and that's how they found out about her. We never acted like we were dating though, it just kinda became a running joke between us" he explains making sense of why he never told me about her.
"What about the baby? How is she pregnant then?" I ask confused.
"We went to a party a couple months back, we both got totally wasted and one thing led to another. Apparently she got pregnant that night" he clarifies. "And now we are together I guess. I mean we kinda have to be, I don't want to raise a baby in a broken household" he says and I nod knowingly.
"No you don't" I agree thinking back on my own broken childhood. "So you're proposing because of the baby?" I ask just to clarify that he's not in love with her like I previously thought.
"Yes" he answers as I take a deep breath.
"Wow Matthews" I laugh uncomfortably unsure how to react.
"I know and I am so sorry about your birthday. That was obviously not how that day was supposed to go. She dropped the baby bomb on me that morning."
"How was it supposed to go?" I ask curiously hoping that maybe Josh really did want our someday.
"Well" he says as he walks over to his dresser pulling out a velvet ring box making me lose the ability to breath as he comes over to me kneeling in front of me as he takes my hand in his. His touch feels like electricity and suddenly I realize that maybe hands fitting together wasn't as important as fireworks going off in a single touch. "I was kinda thinking that your birthday could've been the beginning of someday. Starting with this" he says holding the box out to me.
"What is it?" I ask knowing it wasn't a diamond, I mean he wasn't that crazy.
"Open it" he insists causing me to look at him skeptically before doing as he asked opening the box to reveal a silver band with two intertwined hearts. Tears fill my eyes as I look between him and the ring. "It's a promise ring" he explains as he slips the ring onto my left ring finger, right where I always imagined he'd put an engagement ring eventually. "Maya I wanted to promise you forever. I love you so much" he admits and suddenly I lose all ability to function. I stare at him wide-eyed, in complete shock. He loved me. He loved me and I loved him but we weren't going to get to be together because he and Callie were starting a family. I debate saying it back for a few seconds but I know if I don't say it now I'll never get another chance.
"I love you too Josh" I say quietly afraid to admit it out loud after all of these years. "But if the baby really is yours then we can't be together" I say as tears soak my face.
"I'm so sorry" Josh says as he looks up at me sadly. As I look down at him I can see the heartbreak in his eyes. He really was sorry, I knew he was but that didn't change the fact that he was starting a family with someone else. I sigh deeply pushing myself off the bed breaking away from him.
"I should go" I say reluctantly as I walk towards the door but Josh catches my wrist stopping me in my tracks.
"Maya hold on" he says and suddenly his look of heartbreak is replaced by a look of happiness as he smirks at me. I laugh lightly as I look at him.
"Yes Boing?"
"I just. I want to try something. At least once" he says as he closes the distance between us pressing his lips against mine before I have a chance to protest. I melt into the kiss throwing my arms around his neck as he grabs my waist pulling me closer. He deepens the kiss causing me to sigh encouraging him to keep going. He kisses me harder moving his hand to caress my cheek gently. After a few seconds I pull away reluctantly looking up at the boy I loved, the boy who loved me, the boy I could never be with.
"I gotta go" I say sadly as I avert my eyes back to the ground avoiding his gaze because I knew with one look he could make me stay.
"No I changed my mind. I'll break things off with Callie, her and I can do the co-parenting thing. We can be together" Josh says as he tries to convince me to stay.
"Josh. I love you. I love you so much, but I've been that kid. I can't be the reason another kid grows up without both of its parents. Marry Callie and be happy."
"I can't be happy without you" he says cutting me off.
"Josh please don't make this harder than it already is. Let me go." I plead knowing that Josh needed stability right now not a new girlfriend.
"I can't lose you Maya" he cries and I know in that moment both of our hearts were completely shattered.
"Joshua Matthews you could never lose me. I love you so much, but we just can't be together" I explain meaning every heartbreaking word.
"That's not fair" he mumbles causing me to smile sadly at him.
"I know it's not. Not to either of us, but life isn't fair."
"Hope is for suckers" he says mocking me causing more tears to fall from my face.
"Yea it is" I say as I finally reach the door turning the doorknob and escaping the room before he can say anything else. I run towards Riley's room with tears cascading down my face. I reach her bedroom and slip into bed silently. I lie there thinking about everything that just happened and I feel my heart continue to ache. I had Josh. He loved me and I loved him but we could never be together, not anymore. And then of course there was the whole Zay of the situation. I had done the exact thing Huckleberry had told me not to do.
I hear thunder roll in the distance as I let the tears roll down my face and eventually I slip into a light slumber, realizing that I was completely right. Thunderstorms are awful.