Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
Funny ways to answer the phone:
1) Johns white house, you got the dough, we got the hoe.
2) Hello Immigration service, you report em' we deport em.
3) Jim's abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em.
4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it.
5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it.
6) hello children's hospital, you beat em we treat em
Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
when a girl changes in front of you
(a) she likes you
(b) your level 99 friend zone
(c) she's pretty sure you're gay
Me: I bet you can't say the alphabet faster than me.
Friend: challenge accepted! A B C D E F G H I....
Me: the alphabet
Friend: you son of a b*tch...
To do list:
1. Buy a sword
2. Name it Kindness
3. Kill people with Kindness
Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
Dad: I spy something gray.
Little sister: Your hair!
Dad: I spy something adopted!
My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died.
"Dad, I want another one just like it," she said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.