I asked Gemma to take Abel for the night so that Jax and I could talk. I wasn't sure how the conversation would go and I didn't want a baby stuck in the middle of that. I loved him more than that. While I waited for Jax to get back, I forced myself to get cleaned up. Hospital bathrooms can only do so much. My legs shook as I walked down the hall to the bathroom. The door was splintered by the handle. I guessed it's how Jax got in. I swallowed hard and dragged myself inside. Hot tears slipped down my cheeks as I thought about that night. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To get Tara's voice out of my head.
Something caught my eye on the floor. As I picked it up, I hissed in pain as I felt my skin tear. It was a piece of glass. I tossed it in the garbage and sucked the bead of blood from my finger. Looking at the bathroom now, I couldn't believe that just three days ago I had taken the pills that almost ended my life. Four days ago, I would've knocked someone out if they'd had told me all of this was going to happen. That I was going to lose everything because of one drunken mistake. There was nothing I could do to stop it.
I spent longer than I thought in the shower, mostly to get the stench of hospital off of my skin. It was dark out when I finally came back out into the kitchen. Jax still wasn't home. A voice in the back of my head told me to be nervous, but I pushed it away. I'm sure he was fine and he didn't know that I was coming home so he probably didn't feel the need to rush back. I thought about fixing a drink, but thought better of it. I needed to be sober for this conversation. So, I did what I did best when I was nervous; I cleaned.
Cleaning was something I had always done to calm my nerves. Just as I was stuffing the vacuum back into the closet, I heard Jax's bike pull up. My heart jumped into my throat and I braced myself against the back of the couch. I wasn't ready for this. When the door flung open and Jax stepped inside, I almost threw myself at him. Almost.
He was a mess. He was covered in dirt and his hair was wild from a scuffle. I swallowed hard and bit back a gasp.
"M-McKayla?" He asked. He was genuinely stunned to see me.
I nodded and slowly brought my hands up to a forming bruise on his cheekbone.
"What happened?" I whispered.
Jax flinched under my touch and moved passed me to the kitchen. I bit my lip and followed him. He went straight for the whiskey and I sunk down into a chair. We stayed like that for a while, neither of us talking. Jax is usually easy to read but not this time. I had no idea what to expect. I took a deep breath and pushed myself up from the table. Jax still wasn't facing me. I slowly slid my hands up the back of his cut and gripped his shoulders so that he was.
"Let me clean you up." I said softly.
When he didn't say anything, I wet a paper towel and gently wiped the dirt and grime off of his beautiful face. His baby blue eyes stayed on me. I forced myself not to look into them. The moment I did, I knew I would crumble. Without warning, Jax pulled me against him and held me tight. I dropped the towel and slowly slid my arms around his shoulders. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and I could feel tears soaking into my shirt. His whole body was shaking so badly we ended up on the floor. He was practically sitting in my lap, crying so hard he could barely breathe.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. All I could do was run my hands through his hair in a weak attempt to soothe him. Eventually, he calmed himself down enough that he could tear himself away from me. His large, calloused hands cupped my face and he forced me to look at him.
"I thought I lost you." He croaked out.
I winced at the roughness of his voice, but turned my head so that I could press a kiss into his hand.
"When I saw you in the tub, McKayla I..." He couldn't finish.
New tears were falling steadily down his cheeks and it broke my heart. I could finally see for the first time how much this actually affected him. Jax took some deep breaths and wiped his face with the heels of his hands.
"When you first woke up, so you said you did it to make it easy for me. What did you mean?" He asked finally.
I swallowed hard. I had hoped that he would have forgotten that I said that but of course, he didn't. I peeked up at him through my lashes. He was searching my face for the answer and I knew it was now or never. I sighed and leaned back into the cupboard so I was looking at him.
"Because I know about Tara, Jax." I was proud of how strong my voice was.
His eyes doubled in size and he opened his mouth to say something. I wasn't finished yet.
"I overheard the two of you talking at Abel's party and I thought that if I was gone, it would be easier for you to be with Tara." I said. My voice was flat, almost emotionless.
Jax made a choked noise and shook his head violently.
"No, NO!" He shouted and jumped to his feet.
I gasped and felt myself jump. He tugged hard on his hair and paced around the kitchen.
"God dammit McKayla, I love you! You are the only person in this world that I ever want to be with. I don't fucking love Tara anymore, I haven't for a long time. I know that I fucked up and I have to live with that but if I lost you? McKayla, I swear to God I wouldn't be able to live." He wasn't yelling, but he was talking loudly.
His face was red and his blue eyes were clouding over in anger and frustration. I felt myself sliding up so I was standing and just watched him as he spoke. I knew that everything he was saying was true. I knew that he loved me and I could tell how torn apart he was just from the thought of me dying. What he wasn't telling me was how this was going to work out.
"I believe you Jax. I do. But, how am I supposed to compete with her?" I asked him seriously.
Jax shook his head and stopped pacing. He took two large strides and rested his hand on my cheek.
"Baby, there's no competition." He said softly.
I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest.
"Jax, she has a part of you that I never will." I said. Annoyance laced in my voice.
He furrowed his eyebrows together and shook his head slowly. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.
"I-I can't have children, Jax." I said just above a whisper.
You could've heard a pin drop in the kitchen. I watched Jax's eyes change from confusion to sadness. When he didn't say anything, I took it as my cue to explain.
"One of the countless times that Derek raped me I ended up pregnant. He didn't want it and wouldn't give me the money to get a proper abortion. Instead he found a guy that would do it dirt cheap. It was like something out of a horror movie. We met him in an abandoned warehouse. He didn't even put me out. I ended up getting really sick and Derek had to take me to the ER. There was so much trauma that the doctor said I'd likely never be able to get pregnant."
I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I spoke. I had never told anyone about this, not even my parents. It was strange though. Talking about it made me feel like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Once I could look up at Jax, I realized that he was crying too. He bit down on his bottom lip and reached his hand out to me. I slipped my hand in his and he brought it too his mouth and pressed his lips to my knuckles.
"McKayla, I am so so sorry." He whispered against my hand.
I pulled my hand from his and dropped it to my side.
"Do you understand now Jax? Tara still loves you and now that she's having your child, she'll always be a part of your life. Where does that leave me?" I asked him.
He didn't say anything. His hands went to his face and he tipped his head back to look at the ceiling. I wanted him to say that it would work out. I wanted him to tell me that he would magically make Tara fall out of love with him. But I knew that he wouldn't. Jax knew as well as I did that Tara was never going to let him go now. When he finally looked at me again, I saw nothing but defeat in his eyes. I closed my eyes and nodded once.
"I love you Jax. I will always love you and nothing will ever change that."
Jax swallowed hard and gripped the back of a chair.
"McKayla-" He started but I cut him off by putting my hand on top of his.
"I love you, but I need to do what's best for me now." I told him softly.
To my surprise, he didn't argue.
"Where will you go?" He asked after a moment.
I chewed on my lip. Honestly, I haven't thought that far ahead. I was expecting a major blow out followed by me storming out into the night.
"I don't know." I said truthfully.
Jax nodded and wiped a stray tear from his cheek.
"The apartment. You can stay there."
I started to protest but he shook his head.
"Please, I get it if you need to get away from me but I can't turn you out on the street." He said. His voice was shaking and I knew it was taking everything in him not to break down again.
I nodded and slowly pulled my hand away from his.
"I'm gonna go pack my stuff." I said softly.
He just nodded and I forced myself to go into the bedroom. I didn't close the door behind me because I wanted to hear if Jax was coming. I could hear him shuffling around the kitchen and thud of a bottle when it met the kitchen counter. With a deep breath, I started stuffing all of my things into my suitcase. I couldn't stop myself from taking one of Jax's Reaper shirts with me. I breathed in his scent and felt tears threatening to fall. I didn't stop them. Leaving Jax hurt me probably as much as it was hurting him. Maybe more.
When I was finished, I made my way back into the kitchen. Jax was nursing a glass of whiskey, but the bottle didn't look like much had been missing from it. I opened my mouth to say something but he stopped me.
"Can I give you a ride?" He asked.
His eyes were looking everywhere but at me. I nodded and shifted my bag across my shoulder. Jax nodded once and left his glass on the table as he picked up his keys and helmet. I swung my leg over his bike and Jax handed me his helmet. Before I could, he reached up and fastened it for me. I thought back to the first time I met Jax Teller. He bought me cigarettes and gave me a ride. My eyes finally met his and this thumb caressed my cheek. I leaned against his hand and for a moment I thought he would kiss me. He didn't. Instead he turned and threw his leg over the bike and fired it up.
The familiar rumble of Jax's bike almost made me break down and change my mind. My arms snaked around his waist and I felt him relax under my touch. I closed my eyes and rested my chin on his shoulder.
"You ready?" He asked me.
I nodded and we took off to the clubhouse. I was thankful that Jax couldn't see me so he wouldn't see the tears rolling off of my cheeks. As much as it hurt, I knew this was the right thing to do. But it hurt like hell. We pulled up to the clubhouse and I felt myself hold tighter to Jax. He shut the bike off but didn't move. Reluctantly, I dropped my arms and forced myself to get off of the bike. I saw his jaw clench when he watched me unbuckle the helmet myself and hand it back to him.
Without a word, the two of us walked the long walk to the clubhouse door. I knew we were both dragging this out but neither of us was ready to say goodbye. Jax slid in the key and pushed open the door. I stepped inside and dropped my bag. This was it. Jax was gripping the door frame and staring at the ground. I took a deep breath and flung my arms around his neck. A sob escaped my throat and he wrapped his arms around me.
"I love you." I whispered in his ear.
"I love you."
I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips hard against his. Jax knotted one hand in my hair and the other on my jaw and kissed me back with so much passion and intensity it made my head spin. We were both gasping for air when he pulled away.
"You call me if you need anything." He said as he turned to leave.
"I will. Ride safe." I told him.
He nodded and headed back to his bike. Fresh tears were streaming down my cheeks as I watched him drive away. When I was sure he was gone, I closed the door and fell to knees and let out all the sobs that I had been holding back. If this was the right thing, why did it feel like I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life?
1TeQ0w&|�ϳU