I guess the most thing I was taken back by was the fact that I almost had sex with him. I know that it happens every second of every day. Some are in love, some are doing it for some cash. Some even do it just because it tickles their fancy. But with me... It was almost just because I couldn't contain myself.
My first kiss, and I can't even remember it. What did he taste like? Was I any good? Does he think any less or more of me that I didn't sleep with him? My mind would not shut off, no matter how hard I had tried.
"I am sorry," I said, worried the rest of the time with him would be awkward.
"It's okay, Emily. I understand. And I respect you," he rubbed the back of his neck, as if he was unsure. I didn't quite know how to react to this, and was worried for the future. So I just did it.
I looked to him, into his eyes and smiled. Running my fingers through his hair, it was soft, thick and not full of any type of product. I leaned in and kissed his lips. He pressed back to me briefly, then pulled away. There was a quiet smack as our lips parted and I ruffled my brow.
"What?"
"It doesn't feel right now," he said. Awesome.
My heart raced as I looked away. Maybe this whole idea was a mistake. The idea of him and me together, it didn't seem right. I was sinking... and sinking fast.
"Maybe I should go--"
"No! I want you to stay, I just feel bad. I don't want you to think that I'm using you for that reason."
"Well, it's up in the air, Jack," I said, standing up. "I know I wasn't thinking clearly last night, but I do want to try--"
"I have to think," he said abruptly. He sounded angry and I just put my head down. Why did he have to think? Would it all have been fine if I didn't say anything? If I just randomly climbed into bed with him like he wanted?
"I'm sorry that I haven't been with anyone, not really my fault, Jack."
"I understand, but now I don't want to pressure you. I'd feel like you would think that I was using you."
"Are you?"
"No, but--"
I pressed my lips hard on his as I grabbed his head so he couldn't get away and then climbed up on top of him. He struggled some, but after a while, just gave up and kissed me back. His tongue grazed my lips softly as I thought about what my mother would say to me. Emily Rae, what in good God's green Earth are you doing? But I didn't care. This time it felt fine. It felt right.
I pushed him back on his bed, slipping off my shirt as his hands went to my hips and up slightly. His hands were cold, but not freezing. Flipping my hair over to one side of my head, I leaned down and kissed him softly again, rocking my hips back and fourth, getting the motion started. I've heard about what to do, but never actually saw it, so I was just going to wing it.
I kissed Jack's cheek, then down to his jawline and finally his neck, while my hands were slipping up his shirt. I finally worked it up enough to take it off him, as we parted for just a moment and then laid back down on each other. My body pressed against his felt warm, as I got shivers slowly up my spine. There was a stronger scent of cinnamon in the air with a hint of apples.
He ran his fingers down my spine, to the back of my pants and kissed my collar bone, going lower. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. He was so gentle -- so slow. I just took in every ounce of pleasure. I felt his hands creeping, trying to take off my pants, as I decided to return the favor. I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants as he finally worked my sweat pants off me. He rolled us over and positioned lengthwise on the bed.
In the heat of the moment, I couldn't keep track of everything that was going on. It was like a sensory overload. I could hear his breathing, as if it were through a megaphone. The touches of his fingers traveling up my arm, his hair that brushed on my face as he was kissing me, and his god awfully hairy legs brushing against my clean shaven legs... It was all almost too much for me. Until that one moment.
It was slightly painful. Here I was, this sort of little thing, and he wasn't overly huge, but he wasn't average. I dug my fingernails into his back, wincing. After a while, the pain had dulled and we got into a motion of love, kisses and just being close. I wasn't quite sure as to what exactly my parents were worried about. I wasn't dying or losing who I was. I actually felt like I was becoming a whole person.
It was more than enough for me to come back, but maybe not as much as I had thought I'd be. It was a distinct possibility that I'd be different when I came back, but if anyone noticed, I would probably be embarrassed. Would he talk about it with his friends? What if I wasn't good enough?
There was only one thing to stop my thoughts. His kiss. I could hear his breathing pick up faster as he half-assed kissed me. What was wrong with him?
"A... Are you okay?" I finally asked.
"Yeah," he said as he swallowed a lump in his throat. His forehead and upper chest started to get beads of sweat as I finally relaxed myself and got back into motion with him. Not too long after, I felt my body build up in heat. I bit my lip as I wrapped myself up in Jack and he let out a few soft grunts and hard thrusts. I winced and eeped a little bit as he spoke, half out of breath, "I'm sorry, Emily."
I shook my head and smiled with a little laughter. "It's okay," I really don't know why he was sorry, exactly. He laid on top of me, kissing my shoulder as I stroked his hair. Everything seemed to be brighter. His scent had smelled of Axe and sweat. Sweet, but masculine at the same time.
He finally rolled over, and looked to me. There were no words spoken between us, just eye contact. My mind was drawing a blank, but all I knew was that his eyes were the most beautiful thing in the world. I could look into them for hours. They were a normal brown, but tonight they seemed to have hints of green strung about in them. His hair was a slight mess, covering one eye, swooping across his forehead.
There was nothing about this afternoon that wasn't perfect. All the tension of the past few weeks have gone away, and those weeks of talking to him, getting to know him, I just knew there was something different about this friendship. I was just too worried about what my parents would have thought about it.
Jack had laid his arm over me, as he pulled the covers over us and nuzzled his nose into my neck. I got the shivers, but kissed the top of his head anyway. Was this really okay? Was this all I really needed? Just to be this close to him? What if it was a mistake? What if it actually changed who I was, and what I stood for?
I just laid there, taking in his scent, the house's scent, and the chills that he gave me. I wasn't sure if it was love or just just lust yet, but I did know it felt right. People can feel something is right, even if it's so wrong, right? I mean, I wasn't entirely sure on who this Jack person was, but all I did know is that he wanted me, or something from me, and I seemed to have what he wanted, so why worry?
Closing my eyes, I just laid there. Relaxed, like someone was taking all the stress away. It was a nice feeling, but it kind of scared me. If all my stress was taken away, would I lack my poise? Would it change who I really was?
-------
My phone went off, as I jumped up. I rubbed my eyes and yawned a bit, taking my sweet time. Looking to Jack, he was just laying there. His scruff seemed to have been more present now than it was when I came over, just hours before. Staring at him, all I could do was smile. Someone like me got someone like him. How could this have been? What made me so alluring to him, that he wanted me so bad?
I finally reached my phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, it's Allison. Where are you at?"
"Oh, I had to do a few errands," I cleared my throat as I sat on the edge of the bed, covering my upper body and the top part of my legs with the blanket. "Where were you guys when I woke up?"
"We had a meeting. Why weren't you there?"
"No one woke me up," I said, slightly upset. Actually, no one told me.
"Well," she paused and I started to get irritated. "It's just that, you haven't really had anything come up, so I thought that you wouldn't mind."
"I am going to have to talk to Amy. I told her I wanted to talk to her after dinner, but I had fell alseep, anyway."
"Uh-huh," she said, not even paying attention. "I just wanted to let you know that Amy has been booking us a lot more, even I have some jobs to do. I'm actually starting to train with people, starting in three weeks. I'm pretty excited. I'm just studying the manual right now."
"Good for you!" I said. I was really excited for her. Maybe now she'll realize the importance of looking good while you do hard work, instead of looking like a pretty secretary that she always was.
That's the one thing I couldn't stand about Allison. She was always pretty. Even when we were little kids. She had those perfect, naturally curly hair that everyone envied. She never tanned, but had the perfect skin tone. She always knew what was in style, and what was out. I frequently asked for her old clothes, simply because I was jealous of the things she had. She had what seemed to be a more close knit family than my own, her family spoiled her, but she never became rotten about it. She was smart, funny and always knew exactly what to say. I never seen her cry, only smile and laugh.
But maybe that was just on the outside.
"Are you coming back today?" I felt movement and heard rustling behind me. I hope that Allison didn't hear it.
"Yeah, I'll be back within the next hour, hour and a half. There's a few things that I actually need to do," what a lie. Why do I have to lie to my best friend?
"Alright. I'll let Amy know."
"Thanks, bye," I said, hanging up. I didn't bother waiting for her bye, because I felt Jack's fingers caress my sides slightly. I looked back to him, who had looked back up at me.
"Morning, who was that?" He had asked, half asleep still. He wrapped his arms around my waist tighter and nuzzled into my back.
Wow, what? Were we actually doing this already? "Allison. Apparently, I missed a meeting."
"I'm sorry. Come back to bed," he grabbed my hips softly and pulled me back, as I laid down next to him.
"I can't stay for long. I have to go soon," I said, half serious.
He kissed me and I tasted morning breath. It was gross. I know mine wasn't any better, but I didn't really mind my own. His beard had scratched me and I guess it was something that I had to get use to. He still looked pretty good for waking up in the morning.
I laid next to him, thinking about what to say, if I could at all. He was a great guy and I actually wondered if I deserved him. Why wasn't he going for someone of a higher status than me?
After about a half hour of silence, I was dying. I needed noise. I wasn't tired, I just had things to do. "Jack, I'm hungry," I said, half whining.
"Okay, okay. I'm getting up," he said, stretching. I got off the bed and put on my clothes quickly, and looked back to him. I poked him and stared at him, tossing him his clothes. He finally got up and got dressed, slowly, then streatched again. We walked out as he scratched his inner thigh.
I sat at his round oak table and laid my head down. It was cold, but comforting. The shine from the table made a reflection of my own as he opened his fridge and brought out a cold pizza. It was a three meat kind, as he put it on the table, taking a piece out for himself and I grabbed my own. Sitting up, I started to eat it. It was from the night he came home, and it had a spicy taste to it. I never really had any pizza when I grew up, but we had a few pizza nights at the office. Wasn't a really big fan of a portable dump the fridge items that are about to go bad on a piece of dough. But this seemed... Special.
"I'm glad you came over," he finally said.
"Me too," I replied, still unsure if it was a good thing or not. "Your bed is very comfortable."
"Yeah, I paid a lot for it. Was nice to have someone in it again."
I finished my piece, and stood up. "I really should head back if I want to talk to Amy. Think of me?"
"Of course," he said, finishing up his piece and standing up.
I stood next to him, unsure of what to do next. Thankfully he did.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I returned the favor, burying my face into his chest. It was so warm and welcoming. Why did I ever want to leave?
He lifted up my head and kissed my lips. Strong, yet sad. I didn't want to leave, but I had no choice. I kissed him back and smiled, burying my head into his chest again.
I walked out the door, giving him one last look and one last smile to him as I went to my car. I turned it on, and turned it to the radio. I drove off, smiling as I thought about what had happened just hours before. I still didn't understand what my parents were worried about. I was still here, I was happier, and I just felt whole.
The sun shone in and I put my visor down, watching all the cars pass. Up until now I was just like a walking zombie. Nothing really going for me, no need to stop and smell the flowers, but now, things were looking up. Things started to come to life. I felt like I was in a little kid show where the flowers, sun and everything else bobbed to the same beat, smiling, singing and talking.
I grinned the whole way back to the office, not even worried about my car being dirty.