Chapter 38: The Women of Arturia
Soundtrack: Unsteady – X Ambassadors
I felt a painful thrust against my chest followed by warm air filling my lungs. Another thrust in my chest and an uncontrollable cough came through me followed by the gush of salty water from my mouth. I felt a warm hand on my cheek and somehow, it made me feel comfortable and safe. I tried to open my eyes when I calmed down from breathless coughing. I saw a blurry figure leaning towards me, few drops of water from damp hair falling on my face.
"Wycliffe," I whispered breathlessly.
The figure didn't respond. It just continued caressing my cheeks. I closed my eyes as I focused on every stroke of fingers on my skin. It was so warm and gentle; it almost felt like a blanket around my cold body. I frowned when a distant sound of police siren reached my ears. I wanted to shut the world out and just lay where I was right now–-feeling the sensation of quiet and stillness.
"You're lucky I'm not a coward," a baritone voice said.
When warm fingers stopped caressing my cheek, I decided to open my eyes. This time, a clear view of very few stars on the dark sky welcomed me. It looked like it was going to rain. I tried to look around and look for the person who was keeping me warm a while ago. But no one was here. Now that that person was gone, coldness crept up inside me.
I saw a body lying few yards away from me and that was when everything that happened came rushing back, clearly and more vividly, like water from a raging river. I tried to stand but all I could move was my head. I was weak and dizzy, and this pain inside my chest was breaking me little by little. It was like a curse that I had to carry in me. It was an unforgiving stake that was pierced through my heart.
I wanted to get to him. I wanted to cover his body with my own so that this freezing night wouldn't make him cold. I wanted to give him warmth and tell him that everything's going to be alright–-that this night would end and we just had to wait for the morning to come. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't even lift an arm. I couldn't even focus my eyes on his pale face. This night seemed to be endless, and so was my hurting.
Naramdaman kong muli ang labis na pagkahilo at unti-unting naging malabo ang tingin ko sa paligid–-gayunrin sa nananatiling hindi gumagalaw na katawan na nasa hindi kalayuan. Masakit ang bawat pintig ng puso ko sa aking dibdib at kay hirap ng aking bawat paghinga. Tila hinihila ako pabalik sa kadiliman at kawalan, hinihila ako palayo sa kanya. Ilang yabag ng mga paa ang narinig kong paparating sa aming direksyon. Ilang saglit pa ay napuno ang lugar ng mga malalakas na boses at saka ako muling nawalan ng malay.
Nagising ako sa pamilyar na lugar na ilang linggo lamang ay kinasadlakan ko. Puting kisame, pader at maliwanag na ilaw ang bumungad sa akin. Tila lahat ng nakikita ng aking mga mata ay kulay puti. Isa itong nakakapagod na liwanag. Nararamdaman ko ang kirot sa aking likod at balikat. Subalit hindi katulad ng dati ay walang sinuman ang naroroon sa silid kasama ko maliban sa isang itim na jacket na nakapatong sa couch. Nakakabingi ang katahimikan at nakakabulag ang kaliwanagan. Nakabukas ang bintana at nakikita ko mula sa aking kinahihigaan ang labas ng ospital na nagsasabing sumikat na ang araw. Isang panibagong araw–-isang bago at malungkot na araw.
Bumukas ang pinto at bumungad ang isang doktor ng ospital. Nakangiti siyang tumingin sa akin at saka lumapit sa aking kinahihigaan. Marami akong gustong itanong sa kanya. Nararamdaman kong maraming mga bagay akong nakaligtaan.
"Good morning, Miss Arturia. How are you feeling right now?" Tanong niya. Her smile was still there. It was like plastered on her face for a very long time.
"Painful," tipid kong sagot. And it was actually the truth. No hospital could cure the pain I was feeling right now.
Muli siyang nagsalita subalit hindi ko na iyon pinakinggan pa. Ang tangi ko lang naintindihan ay ligtas na ako sa kapahamakan–-na alam kong malayo iyon sa katotohanan. Hindi ko matatakasan ang kapahamakan.
"Who brought me here? Did someone check on me?" Tanong ko.
Her smile faltered. She seemed to consider if she's going to answer my question or not. Subalit nananatili akong nakatingin sa kanya at naghihintay sa kanyang sasabihin kung kaya't mas minabuti niyang sagutin ako.
"The police brought you here. And no one visited you since yesterday. Your information was provided by Detective Penber and we learned that you already had a record in this hospital--"
"A day had passed," sambit ko. Tila mas lalong nakapagpabigat ng aking kalooban ang kanyang mga sagot. "Then whose jacket was that?" Turo ko sa kasuotan na nasa couch.
She glanced at where I was pointing my fingers and said, "You were wearing that when you arrived here."
Agad kong naalala ang mga sandaling ipinasya kong sumama sa kanya at manatili sa ilalim ng karagatan–-kung saan walang sinuman ang maaaring makapanakit sa amin. Naalala ko rin ang saglit kong pag-gising sa buhangin sa gilid ng karagatan. Someone was there and saved me. That person even saved his body. I suddenly felt the feeling of hatred creeping out in my chest. I wished I wasn't saved. I chose my path and that was not life.
"At ang iyong ama ay ligtas na, si Sir Desmond Arturia. Subalit nasa ICU pa rin siya at patuloy naming inoobserbahan," nakangiti pa rin niyang wika.
Bahagyang nakaramdam ako ng tuwa dahil sa balitang iyon. Subalit naroroon pa rin ang mabigat na damdamin na nagpapahirap sa bawat sandaling buhay ako. Buhay pa rin ako-–at iyon na yata ang pinakamasamang nalaman ko. Nang matapos niyang ipaalam ang kalagayan ko at ng aking ama ay agad rin siyang nagpaalam upang bisitahin ang iba pang pasyente. Muli kong inilibot ang aking paningin sa paligid ng kwarto na tila ba matutulungan ako nito sa aking pag-iisa. Subalit wala itong nagawa at nanatili pa rin akong mag-isa.
Ilang minuto matapos akong pakainin ng nars ng almusal ay sinubukan kong tumayo mula sa kama. Agad kong naramdaman ang sakit ng aking katawan subalit isinantabi ko iyon at nagpatuloy sa marahan na paglalakad. Ilang mga nars at doktor ang bumati sa akin habang binabagtas ko ang hallway tungo sa ICU. It seemed to be a really nice day for them-–which was empty for me. Nang marating ko ang ICU ay tumigil ako sa harap ng isang glass window. I saw my father lying on the bed with tubes and oxygen for support. He was pale and weak but the monitor beside him kept saying that his heart was still beating–-he was still fighting. And that was probably what he would want me to do.
I touched the glass with my fingertips as if I could reach him through it. It felt so cold against my skin. He felt so far from me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him open his eyes and talk to me. I wanted to tell him the failures I made. I wanted to tell him I failed and I was sorry. I failed everyone around me.
"It seemed that you are already okay." I turned toward the familiar voice and saw Detective Penber standing few feet away from me. Agad siyang lumapit sa akin at sinamahan ako sa pagtitig sa bubog na salamin.
"I could heal faster if I wanted to," sagot ko.
"But you didn't want to." Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatili akong nakatitig sa aking ama. "About Wycliffe Arturia--"
Hearing his name was like having a sharp knife lodged deep in my chest. It was like hearing the crack of my bones–-breaking all at once. It was a sound of a gunshot straight to my head. It was terrifyingly, excruciatingly painful. It was unbearable.
"Please, Detective Penber." I looked at him and he seemed to see through my eyes so he immediately stopped from speaking. "Why are you here?" Maya-maya ay tanong ko.
"Mrs. Gertrudez Arturia asked me to check on Mr. Arturia and her daughter. She can't come because she needs to attend on something," Makahulugan niyang sagot.
So my mother decided to trust this man, too. Well, who wouldn't? He was there when everything turned chaotic. He helped us when we were a mess. And wouldn't you try to trust him if a young, adorable man did when he was still living? I felt a tearing in my chest.
"She's just okay, right?" And I knew how stupid it sound to ask that question but I just needed to know.
Hindi siya agad nakasagot kung kaya't kinakabahan na napabaling ako ng tingin sa kanya. Sinalubong niya ang aking mga mata at saka bahagyang ngumiti. I didn't see any mockery or playfulness in that smile and instead, I saw a glimpse of sincerity. I couldn't believe he could be sincere but I couldn't judge him now, could I? Maybe I didn't see what that young man saw in him before. He had a pure and kind heart and that made him see things clearly. His heart gave him the ability to see things someone with a dark heart–-someone like me–-couldn't see.
"Your mother is quite a remarkable, strong woman. She has everything under control. You don't need to worry about her and instead, look after yourself," sagot niya.
I remembered when I left her with my father that night. I promised that I would bring him back. But I failed her. It was hard for me to imagine a strong expression from her face. She was always gentle and cheerful. She was almost like his son. And I failed her. I was the reason why she's grieving now. She was probably hiding herself in her room, crying and starving herself to death. Her pain must be unbearable like mine. And she was alone. She was facing it all alone.
"I need to go home," wika ko.
"You can't, Miss Arturia. You're still weak. Kailangan mo pang manatili rito at magpalakas," sagot niya.
Nararamdaman ko ang mga benda at sugat sa aking katawan. Medyo nahihilo pa rin ako sa tuwing mabilis kong ibinabaling ang aking tingin sa ibang direksyon. Subalit ang mga iyon ay wala pa sa kalahati ng hirap at sakit na nararamdaman ko na kahit gaano katagal akong manatili sa ospital na ito ay hindi maghihilom.
"I am weak, not a corpse. I'll go home," matigas kong sabi.
Napabuntong-hininga sya dahil sa kasiguruhan ng aking direksyon at marahan siyang tumango. "But you can't stay in Arturia Mansion. It's a crime scene and there are police officers investigating the area. Your mother is staying in one of your hotels–-with your brother."
Sinamahan niya ako pabalik sa silid na pinanggalingan ko upang magbihis. Inasikaso rin niya ang pagdidischarge sa akin sa ospital. Atubili kong kinuha ang itim na jacket sa couch nang paalis na kami. I had a feeling that I would still meet the owner of the jacket. Agad kaming sumakay sa kanyang Mustang na pinangalanan niyang Audrey Hepburn. He clearly had a fascination for vintage and classic.
Inihatid niya ako sa isang hotel na pag-aari ng mga Arturia. Tahimik ito at halatang walang guests ang mga naroroon. Ilang empleyado ng hotel ang agad na sumalubong sa akin nang makita ako. Bagamat tumanggi ako ay inalalayan nila ako papasok ng hotel.
I stopped on my tracks when I stepped at the hotel's lobby. I couldn't move my feet. I never imagined this hotel could be this dark and gloomy. It seemed that the light and cheerfulness of the reception left. All that was there in the mid-center was a black coffin–-situated in front of a single row of benches with few people sitting on it. I saw some cousins and relatives that weren't really close to my family. It was kind of them to be there.
An elegant woman wearing a black dress standing near the coffin turned to my direction. She looked so tough and strong but the sadness in her eyes was visible when they met mine. I wanted to run to her. I wanted to hug her. But guilt and sadness kept my feet frozen on the ground. Embarrassment because of my failure made me shrink little by little. I looked so small in front of her. I was so weak compared to her.
But then, she brought her hands up slowly as if she's trying to welcome me in her arms. That was when the ice on my feet melted and I started running towards her. I almost slammed my body to hers that made her stagger a little but she held me so tightly and prevented us from falling. She was quite a strong woman of Arturia and I should never have underestimated her. She was my mother after all.
When she kissed my forehead, tears started streaming from my eyes. I also felt her tears on my forehead. We were like two candles melting together. We were two towers falling down. We were a couple of diamonds shattered and broken and there was nothing that could repair us. We were two grieving souls with pain in our hearts that was too unbearable to hold. And it was the only time she cried again after that night.
It was the only time I cried again after that night.