Hanbin was in his room, lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling while shaking from the things that happened just an hour ago. He had tried to hide under his blanket in the hope the pressing feeling on his chest would vanish. At first he hadn't known what was going on, he had been too much into the fact, or rather the imagination, of Jiwon being alive. However, as soon as the awareness of what had happened hit him, he had started shaking, violently. Until then he hadn't been able to stop, no matter how hard he tried. He remembered Minho trying to explain everything to him, however, unfortunately he hadn't been able to listen to anything the older was saying. He felt like he was trapped in a bubble, and couldn't understand anything from the outside world. He couldn't understand what he was told, even though he realized there were words spoken to him. He couldn't see properly since everything was just so terribly blurry. Even everything he touched seemed to feel just wrong. Too hard. Too soft. Too unnatural, like it wasn't supposed to be there. He was in there alone, trapped, and each time he tried to break free, the bubble wouldn't even budge a little. He couldn't remember how he ended up back in the dorm, or how he got into his bed. He had just been there, lying, staring, waiting. Waiting, but for what? A thought crossed his mind, probably Minho got him back home, the one place he was truly safe at, or so he thought. However, Hanbin couldn't remember, and he wasn't so sure if he actually wanted to remember. It was all just too much.
He shrieked up from his lying position when he heard the front door being opened, and then he got up in a hurry, throwing the blanket back with force. He rushed out of his room and fell to his knees as soon as he saw his friends entering the dorm. Up until that moment he hadn't thought about them, he had been way too confused, too engrossed in this own thoughts that didn't make any sense to him. However, when he saw them, he remembered. They had been in the club while the shooting had happened outside. He looked up into their faces, feeling tears welling up in eyes until they made their way down his cheeks. His whole body fell down to the floor, pressing his knees to his chest. The others rushed over to him, cooing soothing words towards him, trying to make him calm down even just a little. Yunhyeong hugged him tightly to his chest, Jinhwan stroked through his hair, Donghyuk held one of his hands and Junhoe was just there, watching. Honestly, Junhoe felt terrible himself, though he couldn't let them see. He just wanted to disappear.
They stayed there like that for quite a while, not caring about anything else. Neither of them wanted to let go of Hanbin, even when he finally stopped crying and shaking. Hanbin looked up after some time, facing his friends. Junhoe sighed, what caused all of the others to look at him with questioning expressions.
"We're home now, hyung. Don't worry." Junhoe whispered towards Hanbin, who kept on watching him like a lost puppy. Junhoe wanted to coo at the sight, though he kept himself from doing so, knowing it wasn't the right time.
"I'm glad you made it home." Hanbin said quietly. Yunhyeong helped him stand up and went to Hanbin's room with him. Donghyuk strolled after them. Junhoe on the other hand went to his own room, while being followed by Jinhwan who closed the door behind them.
"We need to tell them." Jinhwan said, watching the younger's back.
"No, we can't! We're not allowed to tell them!" Junhoe said a little too loud. Jinhwan flinched at the younger's harsh tone, looking at him with a judging expression on his face. He couldn't believe the younger's words. What even was the point?
"What!? They were there! We have to tell them! Especially Hanbin!" Jinhwan shot back at him.
"No, we can't!" Junhoe started to shout at the older, but he calmed down almost immediately before he continued "Listen, nobody's allowed to find out, okay?" he sighed. "Jiwon told me Hanbin had caught Minho-hyung and Chanwoo fighting, and that he had also recognized Jiwon a-"
"Wait, what? You're in contact with them? You don't just know they're alive- you're in contact with them?" Jinhwan cut him off, not believing what the younger just said.
"Hyung- please, let me explain. Yes, I've been in contact with them- for a while now and, yes, it's eating me up from the inside ever since, but there's a reason only I know about them." Junhoe really had no idea how he was supposed to save their conversation, or, whatever this was. "Listen, all of us are in danger if those guys find out we know about Jiwon and Chanwoo being alive. And-"
"What? Who?" Jinhwan cut him off once again.
"Hyung, please! I'll explain, so just let me. With 'those guys' I meat those who started the shooting in front of the club. I can't tell you the reason why, you're not allowed to know about Jiwon-hyung and Chanwoo, but believe me, you don't even want to know. However, hyung- it's bad enough I told you!" he sighed once more. He really didn't know how to save this. "You can't ever tell the others okay? Never! Promise!" Junhoe begged, looking at Jinhwan like the world was falling apart because of him being the biggest idiot walking earth's surface. Jinhwan didn't know what to do, or to say. He wanted to tell the others, he felt like it was his duty to tell them. He knew he needed to talk about it with Hanbin, or else it would eat the younger up.
"Please, all of us are in danger. Please, hyung!" Junhoe begged once more. Jinhwan just stared into the younger's face for a moment. He could see the desperation in the younger's eyes, and even though he felt the need to tell the others, he gave in to the younger's plead.
"Okay, but what are we supposed to do with Hanbin?" Jinhwan took a deep breath in. "He saw them. He saw Jiwon." Jinhwan stated, quietly. Junhoe wasn't so sure what to do himself, though he sighed out of relief.
"Minho-hyung told me Hanbin hadn't been in a good condition in the first place, and Jiwon-hyung told me Hanbin had seemed to fight with himself. He suggested that we act like Jiwon had been an imagination of his mind so he would snap out of it and run for his life, like his mind was trying to save him. In the end Minho-hyung had been the one who dragged him away anyways." Junhoe explained to the older, shrugging his shoulders after he finished.
"So, you want me to keep all of this a secret? You want me to lie to all of them? And, you want me to make Hanbin feel like he's slowly going crazy?" Jinhwan asked in disbelief. There was no way Junhoe, Minho, Jiwon or anybody else could expect this from him. There was no fucking way Jiwon could expect this from him. Jinhwan looked into Junhoe's eyes. "You really want me to do this?" Jinhwan asked again, anger obvious in his voice this time. Junhoe nodded slightly after some time passed, and then kept his gaze on the floor. Jinhwan gasped as an answer. "You can't be fucking serious!" Jinhwan snapped.
"I-I'm sorry, hyung- bu-ut that's the only way." was all Junhoe managed to say. He never wanted Jinhwan to get angry at him, he couldn't really live with it. Why did he tell him in the first place? He should have just kept quiet. Now Jinhwan was mad at him. Great.
"Okay, I'll lie to them! I'll make Hanbin believe this shit! But you gotta make sure I can meet Jiwon and Chanwoo! I want to set their asses on fire! Did you hear me!?" Jinhwan spit out, turning around to leave the room and Junhoe alone. Junhoe flinched a little and nodded, not sure what to do with himself.
"Y-yes-" Junhoe answered. Jinhwan sighed deeply, and then left the room. He still couldn't believe all of this- well, shit. Junhoe grabbed his phone and texted Chanwoo.
June:
you better get here as soon as possible
otherwise Jinhwan will hunt you two down
It didn't take too long until he finally got an answer.
Nice-kid:
we have to clean this mess up first
we'll be there in about an hour
ㅡ
Jiwon and Chanwoo stood in front of the dorm's door, waiting for Junhoe, who took his sweet time. Jiwon sighed. It was long past midnight and there they were, waiting for their execution. Jiwon was sure Jinhwan would try to kill them, literally, but he surely would do it as slowly as possible. Jiwon smiled slightly at the imagination. If he put it like that, Jinhwan would be way better in Jiwon's job than he himself. And he was good, really good. Chanwoo looked at him nervously, trying to smile, though it didn't quite work.
"Afraid?" Jiwon asked the younger.
"Of course I am. Do you remember him scolding us back then?" Chanwoo asked, trying to hide his terror, but Jiwon saw it written all over his face anyways.
"Indeed, but be happy." He smiled at the younger. "Maybe this nightmare will be over after meeting Jinhwan once and for all." Jiwon continued. Chanwoo really didn't understand how his hyung managed to smile all the time, but he just accepted it anyways.
"Yeah, maybe in your dreams. You know this will never end." Chanwoo said, sounding like he regretted everything up until this point. However, he didn't get to dwell on I any longer as suddenly the door went flying open. Both, Chanwoo and Jiwon blinked at any obviously angry Jinhwan. They expected their deaths, were ready for the end, however, they found themselves in a tight embrace by Jinhwan. Chanwoo sighed out of relief, throwing his arms around Jinhwan's waist and snuggling into their hyung's neck. Jiwon chuckled and hugged his hyung back as well.
ㅡ
"I can't believe all of this." Jinhwan said, quietly of course. He, Jiwon, Chanwoo and Junhoe had spent nearly two hours in Junhoe's room, talking about all the shit that had happened throughout the last few years. They had locked the door, just to make sure. It would have been terrible if Yunhyeong, Donghyuk or Hanbin found them there.
"I'm sorry, hyung, but that's how it is." Jiwon said, waving his left hand dismissively. They had been talking about the last few years, what Jiwon and Chanwoo had been doing all this time. They also talked about why they 'died' in the first place, but neither Jiwon nor Chanwoo nor Junhoe explained to Jinhwan why they weren't allowed to show themselves to any of them. Jinhwan wanted to know, but no matter how often he asked for an explanation, or tried to change the topic, they never said a thing. However, they explained how Junhoe got to know about them being alive and also why Minho had known about them being alive as well.
Another hour passed by and the clock showed that it was already well past 4am.
"Hyung, do you mind if I take a look at Hanbin? I just want to make sure he isn't wounded- or anything similar." Jiwon asked his hyung, expecting a harsh 'no'.
"Why don't you just say that you miss him and want to see him?" Jinhwan asked back, rolling his eyes like it was obvious that Jiwon was missing Hanbin. Well, it was. Jiwon just smiled, looking down to the floor. Jinhwan chuckled at that, knoing what was going on in the younger's hea.
"Go, but don't wake him up." Jinhwan warned. "I'm pretty sure he'll wake up anyways in about an hour." Jinhwan explained with a sigh, looking at a watch in Junhoe's room.
"The nightmares?" Chanwoo asked, obviously worried about his hyung.
"I guess Junhoe told you, huh?" Jinhwan asked in return, looking at the youngest. Chanwoo just nodded. Jiwon on the other hand was already out of the room.
Jiwon went over to Hanbin's room as quietly as possible. He knew the way just too well, he didn't even need to turn on the lights. Well, once upon a time he had been sharing that one room with Hanbin. When he arrived, Jiwon opened the door, quietly. Right then, Jiwon was in his element, getting into rooms as quietly as possible was part of his job after all. The room was completely dark, but thanks to the light that flooded the room through the window, Jiwon was able to see just enough. He took a look around the room, noticing that nothing had really changed at all. Jiwon chuckled a little. Even his phone, which he had forgotten back then, was still lying in the same spot on his bed. However, right then, the only thing that mattered to him was Hanbin. He went over to the sleeping figure on the other side of the room. He didn't dare to sit down beside Hanbin as he as he was afraid of waking him up unintentionally. However, he dared to take a closer look at the younger. He always liked to watch the younger sleep, he seemed so calm and for some unknown reason, watching a calm Hanbin sleep calmed Jiwon in return. He missed watching him, not just when he was sleeping, but also throughout the day. Back then they had spent almost all their free time together, they had been best friends after all. Okay, Jiwon had been a little in love with Hanbin as well, just something like a crush. Just a little, small crush.
Okay, maybe something more like an infatuation.
Okay, nevermind, he had been totally in love with the younger.
Had been?
Okay, okay, he was still in love with Hanbin.
He smiled as he continued to watch Hanbin sleep. He really didn't want to wake him up, but he couldn't keep himself from slightly caressing Hanbin's cheek. He smiled even more when Hanbin leaned into the touch. Jiwon's heart broke once more, but he kept on smiling, dreaming about what could have been. Jiwon got down on his knees to be able to watch Hanbin's face even closer. He kept on caressing the younger's cheek carefully.
"Maybe- I'm pretty sure you don't understand any of this, but I promise, I'll keep you safe for the rest of your life. I'll watch over you, over the boys, and one day over your family." He whispered, a sad smile on his face. "Chanwoo will be helping, though. I hope you don't mind. I'm sorry that I'm not able to show myself to you. Believe me, it's my biggest wish, my biggest dream to be with you again, even if I could only spend one day with you. It would be enough. I'd be able to tell you everything I ever wanted to tell you." Jiwon continued, still caressing the younger's cheek. "I know, it will hurt once more, but- I'm sure you'll be able to get over all of this." Jiwon sighed at that. He wasn't so sure who he wanted to convince here, himself, or a sleeping Hanbin.
"He won't, Jiwon." Jinhwan said, who was suddenly standing beside him. Jiwon almost jumped at the elder's sudden appearance. Never in those past four years did anyone ever manage to get near him without him noticing. Hanbin was really quite the distraction for Jiwon. That moment Jiwon once again noticed how much danger it would cause to all of them if Hanbin knew for sure that Jiwon was alive.
"He will. I'll make sure of it." Jiwon then said, though he wasn't so sure about his own words.
"How?" Jinhwan asked, obviously not believing any of his words.
"I don't know yet, but one day he'll be happy." Jiwon said while getting up from his knees. He went over to his old bookshelf, taking out one particular book. He used to write his rap-lyrics into that book. He opened it, grabbed a pencil, and started to write.
"Jiwon, this is not the time for writing lyrics." Jinhwan silently complained. Jiwon, however, ignored the older for the next whole 15 minutes, writing into his old book. Once he finished, he closed it and put it back into the shelf, though not quite as it had been before. He wasn't sure if he wanted Hanbin to find it or not.
"Finished." Jiwon said while taking another look at Hanbin.
"What did you write?" Jinhwan asked. He wanted to be annoyed since Jiwon ignored him, though he was honestly just too curious.
"Everything I ever wanted to tell him." Jiwon explained with no expression on his face at all. Jinhwan shook his head at that.
"He won't ever read it. He never touched even one of your things since you- well, died."
"It doesn't matter. It's probably better if he never reads it anyways." Jiwon said and then left the room without looking back at the sleeping Hanbin. Jinhwan followed him, though he took a look at Hanbin again. He felt bad for all of this.
Chanwoo was already waiting for Jiwon at the front door, leaning against it like he had been waiting for far too long already. Jiwon went over to him, putting on his jacket and his shoes. Junhoe stood there with Chanwoo, also dressed to leave. Jinhwan accompanied them after a few seconds, looking at Junhoe in question.
"Where are you going?" Jinhwan asked the younger, looking at him with stern eyes.
"I need to leave." Junhoe blandly answered.
"What-" Jinhwan asked in shock. Junhoe didn't dare to look at him anymore, and Jinhwan suddenly regretted getting mad at the younger before. "When will you be back?" Jinhwan added.
"I don't know." Junhoe answered before he left, not waiting for Chanwoo or Jiwon to follow him.