"Is that what you want?" He spoke after what felt like endless minutes of just staring at me with this unreadable sight. For some reason when he answered that question that I asked I wish I hadn't ask it. Because I didn't know how to answer his.
"We're always having the same conversation, it pisses me of." I said sounding more like a sad child than the adult I should be about this.
"You're the one that's always going back."
"Because you keep on pushing me to things I don't want." We were talking calmly, no shouting or screaming or anyone sounding angry.
"How can you not want all of that? I don't fucking get why you don't want me." He sniffled almost, his hand in which he held the cigarette but he wasn't crying I knew him well enough to know that there were a hundred things he would do before he would cry. And he probably that the same it was the same for me.
"I can't have you, that's the thing." We were still talking again, like this was the most light hearted conversation two people can have.
"How can you not have me by now? I'm so fucking consumed by you." Another drag from his cigarette and he threw it to the floor.
"Don't say things like that."
"But that's what it is, Lola." His voice was louder, more aggressive.
"Please don't..." I almost begged him not to say what I wanted to hear so badly.
"You're all I fucking want right now." I looked at him, eyebrows together, my forehead in wrinkles. "Fuck don't look at me like that, you've known it all along." Like he was mad at himself for feeling that way he wouldn't look at me biting his lip furrowing his eyebrows in anger.
"Gerald..." But before I could talk he interrupted.
"Just tell me one time that you want me too." His whole appearance changed back to monotone, no begging just a monotone voice. He was laughing almost.
"I'm going to fuck this up."
"You can't fuck anything up here."
"Gerald..." I said again.
"If you're not telling me that I don't want to hear another word from your mouth." He said pushing himself from the wall walking inside the club again leaving me there. The wall I leaned against suddenly felt cold and I actually missed his eyes on me. Leaving me speechless yet again and before thinking my legs were carrying me back into the building spotting him right away and he spotted me. Over the crowd of people dancing, shouting, kissing each other our eyes locked. Just like a million times before but different. I was staring, he was staring. Staring at this man that felt so close to me no matter how far he was. And I knew I didn't see the things that I admired at that moment because he was too far away. But I knew exactly how his eyelashes surrounded his deep brown eyes perfectly. I knew how he probably let his left thumb gaze over his other fingers because he did that all the time. His lips slightly opening creating the tiniest sign of dimples as he drank from his whiskey glass that he held with his right hand. For some reason I admired the glass that was touching his lips because I knew how good that felt. Admiring how the glass left his lips and they would meet again. I smiled at him. And he probably raised the corner of his lips but reminded himself that he was mad at me. So I was just staring. Continued staring at him. He looked down at his feet seconds later back up staring back. In that second I pointed at him and waved him to me. He shook his head, now I knew he was grinning so I did it again not letting his eyes leave mine. He put his glass down on the bar and walked towards me through the crowd.
"I got the feeling you were staring at me." He said loudly. Putting my finger to my lips he furrowed his eyebrows. My hand found the back of his neck pulling him towards me grinning at him. And I saw that he did the same suddenly and when my lips met his I could feel it. And fuck, how perfect they fit on mine. His hands gliding down my body pulling my hips towards his until they met too. My hands digging into his skin. And I didn't care about whoever he kissed or fucked or whatever before right now this felt like this was all mine and it felt impossible that he could think of someone else right now. There was no space for anything between us this time.
"I want you, you know that don't ever fucking question that again." I said into his ear sounding way different than I intended to. My hand still holding his neck I let my chin rest on his shoulder.
"You used the fucking cyklops on me." He said after a while of us just standing like this.
"Works everytime, huh?" I felt that he laughed by his chest rapidly rising and falling against mine.
"I want you to say it again."
"Nope."
"But it's so fucking hot when you do." He groaned. "You're never going back to him, now you have me." He almost stated.
"Who should I go back to?"
"Whoever was there before, they're all fucking wack." He said his hands grabbing my hair pulling slightly so I bended my head along. "Let's get out of here."
"You almost turned too corny again."
"Everything's just too corny for you." He placed a kiss on my cheek. And it somehow felt like a contrast in itself the way he was still grabbing my hair full of lust almost aggressively but placing gentle kisses saying gentle words.
"You know me." I said biting my bottom lip smiling at him then.
"Don't do that," Still doing the same I furrowed my eyebrows, "You don't know how hella awkward boners in public are."
"Wait I forogt you're a hormonal teenager for a second."
"I last longer though."
"I don't remember it's been a minute."
"You know I'm still up for that bathroom stall, it's a dream of mine to fuck you there."
"You reach for the stars don't you?"
"Obviously." He laughed pushing my shoulder slightly.
"I'll tell them we're leaving." I said nodding my head in another direction.
"Fuck that, text them you'll see them tomorrow." He said kissing my neck.
"Yeah, let's leave." I said and as soon as I had started the sentence his hand was around my waist and he had picked me up carrying me out the club. "Am able to walk you know that?" I said as he stretched out a hand to the street to call a cab. A car stopped and he placed me in it getting in next to me.
"Can I just take you know?" He whispered in my ear as he trailed kisses up my neck to my jawline. I tried to shush him. And as soon as we arrived at the hotel we were out of the car, in the elevator and his hands were under my shirt and mines were under his. It was like I almost forgot how good his skin felt. Into my room my legs were wrapped around him. And my shirt was gone. "Why do you smell like fucking grass?"
"Blizzy and I fell asleep in the park." I said while still kissing him.
"You two are fucking weird."
"You're just jealous of our bond." I laughed
"I'm jealous of anyone who gets to spend more time with you than me, fuck." He connected our lips letting himself fall on the bed then just looking at me, stroking over my cheek just looking at me. And suddenly I recognized that stare, where there was no sign of lust just a gentle stare gazing over my features. Making my breath stop feeling uncomfortable, I didn't want to know what he was thinking right now, I didn't want to hear what he could say right now. So when he breathed in to talk I practically lunched forward to press my mouth on his turning us around yet again.
"Don't talk, yeah?" I said as I took of his shirt unbuckling his belt. And the only thing that would make me stop thinking and stopped me from falling. We were the right people with the wrong views. That's what we were and that saved me. Saved me from being scared again and shutting out. Trying so hard not to talk back to what he was saying, not to fall for it all just trying to take it all back.
***
And waking up was too good, so good it was a drag to get out of bed. To peel my eyes off him was too hard. But as soon as I stepped out the shower again I felt like I had washed it all off me. All the things I felt seemed all off my shoulder. Combing through my tangled hair the door opened revealing Gerald. Not saying a word he sleepily walked towards the shower stepping under it turning on the water. After a while the water stopped running and he got out wrapping a towel around his hips. One arm around my shoulders he looked right at me in the mirror.
"You ready?" He asked, I put my hand on his arm just looking at our reflection. "You look good today." He said the kissing my cheek.
"You didn't tell me that yesterday." I laughed kissing his arm slightly.
"I'm not tryna turn you narcissistic." He laughed, "you might leave me then."
"Yeah look out for that." He chuckled his lips brushing my ear moving down to place a kiss on my neck.
"Let's get ready, we have a flight to catch." He said kissing my shoulder one last time stepping back actually slapping my ass.
"Do that one more time, I'ma kill you." I said following him out the bathroom.
"Here I go getting threatened by you again." He laughed again, "fuck, I forgot this isn't my room."
"You want me to lend you some clothes?" I asked.
"I would love them, though your jeans might fit me."
"I'm not that fucking lanky." I said pretending to be offended.
"My ass wouldn't fit in though, I would look like I shit myself with all that access cloth hanging around."
"Your ass isn't that bad."
"I'm just fishing for compliments here." I laughed changing into jeans and a shirt.
"Get your lanky ass out of here." I said hitting him slightly with the towel.
"I'll see you down there." He brushed his hands through my damp hair holding my head. He grinned down at me. "You really do look fucking beautiful today."
"What's up with you today?" I laughed.
"Nothing." He said pitching his voice.
"Nothing?"
"Don't get scared again." He chuckled giving me a swift kiss and then he was out the door. And there I stood, felt like his hands were still on me. Like his eyes were still staring not letting me go.
I let myself fall on the bed and it was probably all in my mind but I could smell him in the sheets and I was smiling about it. Smiling about the fact that everything around me was stained with his scent, I was probably the item in this room that was most stained by him. And thinking of how notoriously I used to wash sheets when they smelled like Luke in anyway and right now I was practically bathing in Gerald made me seriously question if I was insane. Trying to get out of my mind I got off the bed packing my suitcase wheeling it down to the lobby through the elevator. Being the last one to arrive there Grady was already grinning at me.
"Shut up." I said before he was able to talk.
"It's just fascinating, you know?"
"Fascinate about something else, would you?" He just laughed.
"You're way too cute when you tryna be serious."
"I really fucking hate you." I sighed putting my fingers to my temples pressing them slightly.
"Love you too." He said tucking me under his arm. We drove to the airport boarding the next flight to Wisconsin.
Gerald sat next to me his hand resting on my thigh after a while he let his head down on my shoulder nestling into my neck.
"How are you feeling?" He said silently against my skin. I let my hand reach into his hair stroking slightly through it.
"I'm good."
"I just feel like you're somewhere else." He talked smoothly his lips touching the skin of my neck with every word.
"I'm right here." I whispered turning my head.
"Do you miss New York?" He asked clearer this time removing his head from me leaning against his seat.
"I do."
"You know planes are good places to feel home." He grinned at me and I remembered when we sat on my balcony. When I told him how New York could be a home.
"Wow your memory is exceptional." I smiled back at him. "I haven't thought about the balcony in a minute."
"We should get back to it when we're back in New York."
"I can't wait for New York." I bit my lip smiling at him.
"We could go back to the hospital."
"He's gonna beat you up." I laughed.
"You were going to stop calling me Gerald if someone did." He laughed.
"You know I'm never going to call you anything different."
"I don't even want you to." He went in for a quick kiss his lips barely touching my lips.
"What is this? A trip down memory lane?"
"We have a lot of those, dude." He laughed and I did too. Just looking at him looking at me with this brown eyes. I again let my hand wand to his face, quickly stroking through the sides of his hair before letting it rest on his cheek.
"I wish I could take a picture of you now." I said out loud.
"This is not the most handsome I've ever been." He grinned at me. It was so far from the truth. His hair wasn't done, it seemed like there was no gel in it whatsoever and yeah his eyes were small from the lack of sleep there were even dark circles building under it but I thought he was incredibly beautiful right at this moment.
"Pretty close though." I laughed letting my thumb trace over his cheek.
"I'm hella flattered."
"You should be." We grinned at each other, no words just eyes. And again he looked at me with these words in his eyes, like he was genuinely trying to say something through our eye contact and I knew what this was about. I knew what it meant when someone looked at me like that because I had seen this look on Luke so many times and seeing the same on Gerald face made me want to run away but at the same time I felt caged to him. Physically chained to him, like there was no way of leaving. Leaving now was too late it felt like.
"You remember when we were at..." He started still holding our stare.
The flight attendant interrupted our staring contest offering drinks which I gladly accepted.
"You're gonna start drinking now?" Gerald asked as she handed me a glass of wine.
"Obviously." Grady shouted from the seat behind us making both of us turn around.
"Are you spying on us?" Gerald asked his voice slightly annoyed.
"Nah would never." He laughed drinking a sip from his plastic cup that was shaped like a wine glass.
"Dude you have to stop that shit." Gerald responded.
"Cheers Grady." I said clinking my cup against his.
"You guys annoy me so fucking much." Gerald said leaning back a little harshly in his seat breathing out, reaching for a magazine in front of him opening it.
"Why're you so sour bro?" Grady laughed and Gerald just shrugged laughing breathlessly. I shot Grady a smile before turning back to Gerald who was still going through the airplane magazine pretending to be super into it.
Propping up the armrest between us I bended a little to him, "why are you being weird?" I whispered to him.
"I'm not." He stated not looking at me.
"You are though." I said again then pressing a quick kiss on his jawline. He didn't react at all so I decided to back off. Sitting back on my seat staring out the window when after a while I heard his seatbelt clicking and could feel him shifting close to me so that when I turned my face he was as close as it could get without kissing me.
"I'm all good, really." He said not sounding very convincing. Before I could dig again he half laid down on me his face in the crook of my neck. His hands making their way around my back under my shirt.
"Fuck your hands are cold." I said.
"I know, I'm trying to warm 'em up." He laughed, "stop shifting I'm trying to rest." He said placing a kiss on my neck.
"Yeah airplane magazines are fucking exhausting."
"Shhh..." He said and I chuckled just letting my hand weave into his hair again combing through it slightly. Just feeling his breath slowing down against my skin and feeling like I never wanted to be anywhere but here, like this. I never wanted something so badly.
I know I ramble a lot at the end of chapters but this one is kinda important and I'd love for you to read it:
Sorryyyy that you had to wait so long but here we go! There are probably a ton of errors so excuse that plssss I know this book is filled with mistakes but right now I don't have the time to go over it all.
The next few chapters are probably going to be more of fillers until... Yeah something happens lol.
I wanted to ask you sthg, so I don't want this book to go over 50 chapters I'd rather have it shorter like 35 or 40 so I'm just asking if you might want something like a sequel because I would write some things a little differently then... ??
Also I'm not too fond of the name anymore but I can't think of anything else right now also I wanna change the description but I'm incredibly bad at that. So just to let you know I might change some things about the books appearance. If any of you have suggestions that would be cool, you have a different view on the book than I so that's hella interesting to me!
Thank you for reading and please comment and vote, you are literally so sweet!!!
-xHayley