"No. Absolutely not. NO!"
"Oh c'mon, Fearless, don't be such a baby," Raph set the boxes of beer on the table.
"Whoa, dude! How much did Casey buy for us?" Mikey wondered.
"I'd have to agree with Leo on this one," Donnie mumbled, picking up a can and turning it over in his hand, "Did you guys know alcohol in large amounts at short intervals of time can cause blackouts, memory loss and anxiety--"
"Shut up, brainiac," Raph interrupted, sitting down at the table and popping open a can, sniffing at the beer within and then taking a swig, "The girls are out at dinner. We've got some time to ourselves for the first time in weeks."
"Yeah, Leo!" Mikey quipped, "Call it a guys' night in!"
He swiped a can for himself, taking a huge gulp and then scrunching up his nose at the strong taste.
Donnie opened a can for himself, trying to peer inside at the alcohol within, debating whether or not to take a sip.
"C'mon Don... think of it as an experiment," Raph suggested, taking another drink and leaning back in the chair languidly.
The genius glanced back and forth between the beverage in his hand and each of his brothers, before bringing the can to his lips and shivering as the alcohol ran down his throat.
"I can't believe you guys are actually doing this!" Leo said, crossing his arms, "If Splinter was here--"
"But Splinter isn't here," Mikey cut him off, the beer already beginning to loosen him up, "He's out on a training run with April. Won't be back all night!"
"It's just a few cans, Leo," Donnie reasoned, trying another taste, "Live a little."
The leader shook his head, turning and beginning to walk out of the kitchen.
"What are you, chicken?" Raph called after him, chuckling to himself while Leo stopped in his tracks. He peeked over his shoulder, huffing and slowly retreating back into the room, slumping into a chair across from Raph and gesturing to the beer.
"Gimme a shot glass."
~
"What's going on?" L/G shouted over the blaring music, throwing her bag down on the couch and staring at the chaos that was the four drunken brothers.
"Mikey?" M/G asked incredulously, gaping at her boyfriend hanging upside down from the training fixture above the living room, singing a version of Happy by Pharell Williams.
"I knew we shouldn't have left them," D/G mumbled to herself, watching Donatello race in circles around the lair.
"Well, Raph seems pretty normal," R/G commented, seeing the red clad turtle at his usual spot in front of the punching bag.
L/G shook her head, striding over to her boyfriend, perched on the tire swing, his mask hung loosely around his neck. In his hand he held his katana straps and belt, swinging them around crazily and giggling each time he'd accidentally whack himself.
"Leo," L/G murmured soothingly, "Time to get down."
"No," he replied stubbornly, rocking back and forth on the tire swing, "Nobody orders Captain Ryan around! I can't talk right now, Celestial! The cosmos are in danger! The Cortexicons must be stopped!"
"Yeah, sure thing Captain," she smiled, before raising her hands and levitating Leo off his spot on the tire swing, dropping him in the pool of water below.
"M/G, Angelcakes!" Mikey called, falling from the fixture and hurrying up to his girlfriend, waving a beer can and sloshing the alcohol inside onto the floor.
"Hey Mikey," she replied softly, taking his hand and trying to lead him toward his bedroom, "you need some rest now..."
"Rest? Heck nah!" He slurred, "This right here has been the best night of my life! I ain't goin' to sleep now!"
"Mikey, talking from experience, when you get drunk, you get a little...stir-crazy. And then I have to drag your butt home. Remember the bar scene at the club?"
"Aww, don't bring that up now! We're havin fun!" Mikey staggered in the direction of the kitchen, "Here, I'll get you one of these drink-beer-thing-a-ma-bobbers. You need to get to this level."
"Mikey I really don't think that's a good--"
Too late. Michelangelo had run straight into Raph, knocking down both glasses of beer in their hands. Raph stared at the mess on the floor, then glared at his younger brother.
"You...you're gonna get it."
"C'mon bruh, don't be like that. Loosen up. Make love, not war." Mikey flashed his brother a peace sign and then gave Raph a playful shove, which, combined with the alcohol, made the hothead topple to the ground.
Raph roared angrily, trying to stumble to his feet and tackle Mikey, who skipped away gleefully.
"Raph, stop!" R/G cried, jumping onto his shell and trying to hold him back, which only aggravated her boyfriend more. He stampeded through the lair, shouting sloppy curses and trying to shake her off, making her dizzy in the process.
Donnie, meanwhile, had calmed down a bit, and was sitting on the floor, nursing a beer. D/G approached him tentatively.
"Donnie, honey. Are you okay?"
As soon as the drunken genius laid eyes on his girlfriend, his eyes clouded over with lust. He hurriedly got to his feet, taking her hand and kissing it.
"Your outfit would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 meters per second squared."
Her eyes widened as the abnormally coquettish turtle lunged and captured her lips in a rough kiss.
"Donnie -- mmph! You're drunk!" She exclaimed, trying to push him off.
He only laughed dazedly, mumbling, "I don't need neurons to stimulate your sensory system. "
D/G's embarrassment caused her intangibility to kick into gear, and the next time he tried to lean forward for a kiss, he fell right through her, landing flat on his face.
R/G groaned, still trying to keep her truculent boyfriend. "I'm gonna kill them once they're sober."
L/G laughed quietly, pulling Leo out of the pool she'd pushed him into. "If they're this drunk, the hangovers will be punishment enough."
~
"Dudes, I'm never gonna drink again," Mikey moaned, pressing the ice pack against his head.
"See? I told you last night it was a bad idea," M/G quipped, kissing his cheek and smiling triumphantly.
"So, let me get this straight -- I was waving my gear around like Indiana Jones, and swinging around on the tire swing, and calling you Celestial?" Leo asked, holding the trash can close to his mouth.
"Mm hmm," L/G giggled, "You also referred to yourself as Captain Ryan. And then afterwards you ran around the lair sopping wet and pretending to shoot space demons with finger guns."
Leo groaned ashamedly, and then leaned over the trashcan as another wave of nausea came on.
"Sorry I threw you against the wall last night," Raph apologized, fingers grazing the small bruise that had appeared on R/G's shoulder.
"No worries. I eventually knocked you out," She grinned, pointing to the goose egg on his forehead, "Perfect head butt, on my part. That's what you get for getting you and your brothers drunk."
"How far did I go last night?" Donnie asked worriedly, ignoring the pounding in his head.
"Not far. You were quite flirtatious," A smile ghosted over D/G's lips as she dabbed at his swollen eye, "That is, until you face planted on the concrete."
Donnie's faces turned bright red, and he smiled apologetically.
"I think we can all agree we're never getting drunk again," Leo croaked.
"You can say that again, bro," Mikey agreed.
"Well..." Raph started, before spotting R/G's warning look and affirming, "Nope! Never again. No-siree!"
"Technically, the average American will get drunk 2-3 times in their lifetime..." Donnie began.
"DONNIE!" The Turtles shouted in his direction.