I remove the pieces of white heather from my hair, a Scottish tradition to offer good luck, pressing my lips together, frustrated. My new husband is in the corner, removing his clothing. My eyes flicker to him, awkwardly.
My chest is pounding wildly, unprepared for this. I was touched by another man this morning and I fear Lachlan's hands will destroy that feeling for me. I fear his touch will eliminate MacCallan's.
He removes his plaid and kilt, setting them down onto the chair in the corner of the room. I live with him now- all my belongings, what little I have, has been brought into this room.
I feel the loss of my privacy and I feel it keenly. The loss is suffocating me, presently.
When he pulls his shirt over his head, baring himself completely, I look down at the wood of the vanity, wide-eyed. I've seen his body before, multiple times, but this is different. It's extremely different.
He's thinned out around his mid-section from lack of exercise. He used to be diligent about getting to the gym, he went almost everyday but here, he has duties, duties that keep him locked away in this castle many hours of the day.
The rest of him looks the same as I remember. He's a good-looking man. Wonderful to look at, troublesome to know. I stiffen as he nears me, coming up behind the chair.
"I can help you with that," he murmurs softly, reaching to stop my hands. At the first sign of contact, I drop my hands onto my lap, letting him reach into my hair for the pieces of heather stuck.
"Thank you," I whisper, breathlessly.
"You sound scared of me," he says, after a moment.
"Why shouldn't I be?" I answer, looking at him through the mirror. He pulls out a piece and drops it onto the floor, pressing his lips together.
"I don't want you to be... We're married now. There is no turning back. We have to make the most we can of this."
I close my eyes when he sets his hands onto my shoulders, rubbing.
"I- look, I know you cared for him but I did what I had to, to ensure your safety."
"You did what you had to, to keep me with you, Lachlan. Don't turn this around to sound gallant."
He shakes his head. "... I was trying to calm you."
"Well, I'm sorry to say it, but I'm not going to calm down. So-"
I stand up, turning. I walk past him towards the bed, shaking violently but desperate to maintain some kind of authority. I stand, still as a tree at the end of the bed and drop my head towards the ground, waiting to feel his hands.
When I do, I flinch, unable to help it. He wraps his arms around my waist and bends, settling me onto the sheets, coming above me.
Like a flash, I see Callan in his place and then he's gone once more. Symon grasps my face and kisses me, deeply. I don't give him anything back and he sighs, pulling back.
"Please- just try."
"You didn't say anything about me having to act like I'm enjoying this."
His lips turn down and I see how much he's trying to control his temper. "It would be a lot more enjoyable if you just went with this, Gillian. This is our future."
"Just screw me and be done with it, Lachlan. You got what you wanted."
"Touch me, Gilly," he says immediately, resting his hand over mine on the bed. Lifting it, he presses it to his chest. Realizing that he's unable to sleep with me like this, I do so, closing my eyes to avoid seeing his face.
He presses his lips to mine, urging my mouth open with his tongue and after a moment, I relent, letting him take me. He comes at me hard and desperate, entering me quickly. My body resists, not ready for the intrusion but I don't have it in me to tell him to touch me as well.
His moans louden against my throat until he spills into me, stilling like a rock. I feel a tear drift down my cheek onto the twisted blanket under me as he sighs with relief and dissolution.
I drop my hands to my sides from his shoulders as he turns over, falling flat onto his back. Heaving, he glances over at me, licking his lips awkwardly. I look at him when he touches my hand, softly.
"I'll make you happy, Gillian."
I nod and turn away but he continues.
"I lost myself when I got here. I'm still ashamed of what I did- how I acted to you when we arrived... I-I don't want our marriage to be like that. I'll stop- seeing Fiona."
"You really don't have to."
"Aren't you hearing me?!"
"I am. I just don't believe you. I never will. You hit me. A woman never forgets that."
"I'll make up for it," he whispers, turning onto his side. He reaches out, resting his hand over my shift, pulling himself into me. I close my eyes tiredly as he presses his mouth onto my chest, where my shift begins. "I do love you, Gillian."
Within minutes, he's asleep, both of our legs still dangling from the bed. My gaze is fixed on the ceiling, remaining there long after the candles burn out.
...
"You're expecting child, ma'am," Mildred states, smiling softly. I stare at her silently, having already known. The months have ticked by slowly- harder than I expected. I've never felt more alone in my life, despite my newfound marriage.
Most of my time is spent outdoors- although it's against my expectations. My nights are spent with a man, still claiming to be desperate to get his way into my heart. He stayed true to his word- he has tried. His efforts however have dwindled as of late, when I found out he spent the night with a woman visiting the clan lands with her parents.
He still doesn't know that I know and I really have no intention on changing anything. While I've grown comfortable with our state of living, I still don't love him.
"Gillian?" Ann whispers, touching my hair. I resurface, smiling immediately.
"Wow, that's-that's good news."
"Aye, the laird will be pleased."
I nod. "How far- along?"
"Well, by the size of ye, it's hard to tell. In my guess, I'd say four months in? Do ye want me to fetch milord?"
I shake my head. "No, I'll-I'll tell him tonight. Thank you."
Ann removes her hand from my hair, squeezing my shoulder before she makes her way out behind Mildred. As soon as their gone, I look down at my stomach, sucking in a breath.
I've known for months now.
As I lay my hand onto my belly, I smile tearfully.
It could be his... It could be Callan's.
...
"Lachlan?" I whisper, wide awake in the bed. I know he's awake when he turns off of his side onto his back.
"What?"
"I have- something to tell you."
He sits up, illuminated by the lit fireplace. "Tell me what?"
I stare at him, breathing deeply. "I'm- pregnant."
His eyes widen then flicker down to my stomach, covered by the thin material of my undergarment. "You're- you're sure?"
I nod. "Very... Mildred says I'm four months in. I've already started noticing."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I shake my head. "I wanted to- make sure."
He chuckles, smiling wide. "... A baby. We're having- a baby?"
He says it as if he's disbelieving of it. I nod, smiling as well. "Yes."
He leans over, cupping my neck and presses his lips to mine softly. "I'm very happy- to hear that."
He caresses my face lightly and I nod, turning my face away slightly, uncomfortable. "... Well, I'm tired but I wanted to tell you."
"... Alright."
I turn onto my side, resting my cheek against the pillow, closing my eyes. He comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my body in a spooning fashion and they flicker open again, unable to enjoy the feeling.
...
"Stop moving around so much! I told ye to rest!" Lachlan exclaims, coming into the room on a mission. I look to him, rolling my eyes.
"I'm fine."
"You're about to pop out a baby and you're heavin' around heavy baskets!"
"There are sheets in here, Lachlan," I state, sarcastically. He takes it from my hands and I sigh. "I have to move around. I can't just sit around!"
"Well, you're going to, damn ye! This is my child too."
Maybe. I press my lips together and rest my hand over my extended belly, nodding. After eight months of this, I'm ready for it to be over. 18th century medicines and remedies just don't cut it.
"Do you think it'll be a boy or a girl?" I ask as he helps me into a chair.
"Boy. I hope it'll be a boy, naturally."
"Why?"
"Well, in this day and age, ye need a male heir. So-"
I stare at him, calmly. "What if I have a girl?"
"I'll care for her just as much," he states simply, bending down onto his knees. He rests his hand onto my stomach, staring at the bump. "I'm glad ye will be the baby's mother... I know you'll do right by 'em."
I smile, surprisingly warmed by the words. "Thank you."
"Of course- now, stay there, Gillian. I'll send for Ann, have her come fetch ye."