oi,, this is a continuation of the last part & bc it has been a long-ish time since i updated, you might wanna just look over the last part or just skim the ending, mkay? ((advice from jooj))
Our joints were aching from the cold, skin itching from damp clinging shirts and fingers and toes numb. I knew this not just from feeling it myself but from Dan's constant complaints as we walked to his apartment; If he wasn't complaining about being soaked to the bone, he was grumbling about how we should have got a bus or taxi or uber or do anything but walk- even though he was the one to suggest it. I knew he wasn't easily pleased or the most upbeat of people but gosh, he sure did complain a lot.
Although his complaints were loud and open, there was still a spring to his step as he did a little jump every time we crossed the road and reached the pavement.
I wasn't exactly bothered or upset about his complaints, in fact, I felt quite happy he was just talking to me. Thinking back to when I first met Dan, or Howell , him talking to me about anything was something close to a miracle.
After the short walk, the rain began to lighten up and we reached one of those grand private roads that you always pass by and wish you lived on and when you were younger you would drive by then say: "That's my one!"
Then your friend or cousin or whoever would reply, pointing to an even grander home you've yet to see, replying: "And that one is my one!"
But I digress.
One of those apartments were Dan's.
Ivory painted bricks that seemed to never peel or stain, picture perfect green and cider coloured trees that the sun seemed to hit just right. The pavements even looked clean, as if someone came and jet washed them daily. Even the falling autumn leaves land gracefully into small neat stacks, decorating the kerb. It was a sweet picture that you would only see in some rom-com or a Sims creation.
As you can probably assume, I am not the kind of man to know whether a car is good or not or expensive or not...but every car on the street looked more expensive than my whole apartment.
Dan slowed as we reached the gate to his, what looked like, townhouse. ''I own both the upstairs and the downstairs but the upstairs is where I live part-time.'' He answered my unannounced question, opening the pointed black gate for me. Once I mumbled a thank you, he continued, ''The downstairs is for meetings between-ugh-'' His eyes rolled ''just an array of business people.'' It was strange, the more and more Dan spoke the more personality spilt out.
Entering the townhouse was depressing, honestly. It was so well decorated and there was so much going on and wow. I was in a designer's home. ''Er-Phil, there's a meeting about to go on down here, care to follow?'' Dan cocked his head to the side, already somehow ahead of me, a few steps up the stairs. This needed to stop. I need to pay attention to what's going on.
So, I followed Dan up the stairs to his personal section of the townhouse. It was a little studio flat with a nice open plan kitchen spilling into the room. Again, it was so well designed. All the furnishing was gorgeous and everywhere was decorate and somewhat personal too. Minimalistic but elements of Dan was still there. It wasn't homely and it seemed for show but I wasn't here to inspect his place (even though he did inspect mine but, putting that behind us).
!!this bit is important so if you're skimming read here onwards!!
Running his fingers through his wet fringe, separating the hairs that were clumped together in thick strands. ''There are two rails just there-'' He pointed to the window where the two rails he mentioned stood. ''One of them are mine and the other is yours. Not for you to-like-live here just the outfits I bring in for you. Just pick something up you like, I usually pick yours with mine when I get ready but seeing as you're here you might as well. Just don't put something ugly together.'' He waved his hand dismissively, crossing the room to his bed which was so nicely covered in different blankets, throws and cushions. It looked so soft. He picked up the clothes laid out before mumbling something under his breath, ''..because I've seen what you throw together.''
''You were doing so well at being nice to me, sir.'' I folded my arms and teased but Dan looked back at me not very impressed. Okay, not that level of friendship yet...if this is even a friendship.
Dan scoffed, ''Honesty should be valued over a lie to keep a smile.''
''And sometimes comments aren't necessary. You didn't have to say my clothes are ugly and plus, it didn't bother me really.'' I shrugged with a smile, just letting it go. He was some big designer for the finest, of course, my clothing choices aren't great to him.
I walked over to the racks, looking over them and noted which was mine- the one without his suits and the clothes I had seen him in. I flicked through the shirts, holding them out to look at. The material was the finest and it all looked made to fit. There were many button ups and roll necks and just things I'd never pick up myself.
''How did you know that was your rack?'' Dan spoke up, standing in the doorway to what I presumed to be the bathroom.
I turned to face him with a slight smile and fond words fell out without my consent, ''Shockingly, I do pay attention to you and I remember things you have worn like, this suit-'' I ran a hand over the suit on the other rack, ''-is the one you wore at Graceffa's launch and er, a few of the others over there I just remember you wearing. They all look kinda similar to me but I still notice the difference because I've learnt to notice.'' I nodded, soon looking away as my stomach knotted. I was embarrassed and that feeling I got the night of Graceffa's launch came back
and that same feeling when we skipped beside the River Siene
and that feeling when Dan laughed for the first time
and that feeling when everything stops because I am so happy.
That feeling I kept pushing away because
it is hard to admit.
It's that Dan Howell feeling when I realise
he's so beautiful.
Dan still lingered at the doorway but I refused to look at him in fear my cheeks were burning. He started, then stopped. Cleared his throat then said nothing. ''Ph-Phil?'' He croaked, sounding small for a moment.
''Yes, Dan?'' I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. The air clearly changing.
He didn't speak for some time and I stood, gripping the sleeve of a shirt from the rack, waiting for something but I wasn't sure what. He started, then stopped. Sighed, then said nothing. Until- ''Thank you for putting up with me and sorry for always acting so--so-so arrogant all the time! I almost always attempt to make myself superior and I need to stop and-and I'm sorry if I make you feel inferior or upset. I do not mean to do it...just all comes naturally.'' We stayed silent. ''Sorry for being ignorant too...about your feelings on a whole and your good intentions.'' I couldn't turn around to face him, the knot in my stomach soon became so tight I was concerned on how I was still breathing. ''Never let what I say get to you. I'm trying to stop I really am. New perspectives and new perceptions and all that...''
No words could form into a neat sentence and nothing I could muster was a reply good enough.
''But I'm going to go get changed now...pick out whatever you like.''
Then Howell left to change in the bathroom.
===
Once we had both changed in separate rooms and dried off, we came back together in the kitchen and snacked on popcorn whilst making small talk until something personal finally came out. He began complaining about his hair being curly but I loved it and called it his 'hobbit hair' but he just called me a nerd in response. We talked about our childhood and he was very intrigued about me growing up in the north of England, fascinated by all the things I took for granted.
Dan leant on the breakfast bar, phone in hand just scrolling and I was sat opposite him on one of the stools. ''Do you have Instagram, Phil?'' Dan looked up to me for a second and I stuttered, he wanted me on social media? ''Here, type in your name but er, just don't look at my notifications or whatever.'' He held his phone out for me to take and I did, typing in my user before giving it back.
A smirk crossed his face as he read out the name, ''AmazingPhil?'' his smirk soon faded into a smile as he scrolled through my posts. My Instagram was just selfies with plants or screenshots of Pokemon around London or me with iconic geek culture.
''What's yours?'' I peeped, embarrassed slightly, pulling out my phone.
''Er, just type in Howell and I'll come up but I'll give you my WiFi.'' Dan said, looking closely at his phone with a smile stuck to his face. He then moved over into the living room area, getting the little card on the router with all the information on it with his head still down looking through my posts with that smile.
He placed the card on the breakfast bar in front of me and I chimed a quick 'thanks' before joining his WiFi and searching up his Instagram.
It was very different from mine- all his selfies were very serious looking and all his photos were what people on Tumblr call 'aesthetic'.
''Do you want to take a mirror selfie to post on my Instagram so we can half-show off that very cute grey jumper.'' Dan suggested, slipping his phone back into his pocket with that smile gone back to his usual flat face. I was internally flustered at him calling me cute even though he wasn't calling me cute at all. He was calling the jumper that he designed cute.
''Ah sure but my 'Selfie game' isn't as 'on point' as yours.'' I joked with another shrug while he quietly chuckled to himself at my choice of words.
Dan picked up his coat from a kitchen counter and put it over his arm as he made his way into the bathroom. I followed, hoping the mirror he was hoping to take that selfie in was here and I wasn't just following my boss into the toilet.
Luckily, he did mean for me to follow and he stood in front of the rather large mirror, sliding his finger across his phone screen, opening his camera. I awkwardly stood next to him up straight and he then repositioned to do some modelly-white-girl-mirror-selfie position and I just stood next to him making a little peace sign with a smile.
How am I the model here?
Dan's serious face broke into a smile and he put his phone down, ''I didn't mean...like-'' he waved his hand over me, smiling still. ''I meant a proper one?''
''Peace signs are very proper to me!'' I stuck my fingers back up, grinning.
He just rolled his eyes, opening up his coat and slipping his arms in before straightening up on his shoulders, glancing at his hair. ''I'm just going to quickly run the flat iron through my hair.'' Dan sighed, picking up some heat protectant and spraying it on his hair. ''I'll be done in 10 minutes, this is going to be a quick job.''
We left his bathroom and he sat on his bed, pulling out a basket of wires from under his bed then took out the flat iron. He switched it on, waiting for it to heat up. ''Phil, sit down.'' So I did. ''I didn't mean right next to me on my bed but, that will do too.''
We sat in silence as I watched each curly lock on his head straighten and fall onto his head perfectly like it always did. He's so beautiful.
Dan soon snapped at me, ''Stop staring at me for god's sake! Has nobody ever told you it is rude and unnerving to be watched.'' I could hear no real irritation in his like there used to be when he snapped at me. Dan sighed, continuing attempting to tame his hobbit and told me to go pick out a coat from my rack.
I made my way over, looking at the few coats hanging at the end of the rack. There were three and two of them were dark felt. They looked like trench coats but I didn't feel they suited me. Then there was the third one that was a big puffer jacket with a fur hood. It was shiny and reminded me of an astronaut. So, I obviously put that one on. ''Space man Phil.'' I laughed.
''Sorry, what?'' Dan looked over at me, eyebrows knitted, running the iron through his hair still.
I spun around with my arms out, ''It's shiny like an astronaut suit and I feel very spacey.''
''You are very spacey. More specifically, 'spacey' in the gap between your ears.'' He sighed again but was clearly amused. I ignored his comment as he turned off his hair-straighteners, propping them safely on his bedside table. ''It still has that wave in it but at least it isn't 'hobbit' looking, as you so nicely put it.''
Dan got up, picking up his keys from the side and went to the door, gesturing me to follow. ''When I said in that meeting for you to come around everywhere with me, I did not mean follow me like a puppy.'' He chuckled to himself.
We went down the stairs, Dan doing a little skip, and there was some meeting going on that PJ seemed to be hosting. I could hear his voice fill the hall but didn't look around the corner to see what was going on as that would be slightly weird and I don't think Dan or PJ would appreciate it.
Leaving the house, the air nipping my nose, we made our way off the street that still looked just as perfect as when I first saw it and back into the busy central.
===
The rest of the afternoon went fast. Meetings where I sat quietly as Dan told me to just ''Sit and look pretty''. Conferences where I was, again, sat quietly while Dan was criticised and warned about a brand change. Underground journeys on the tube where I sat too close to Dan multiple times and where I was stuck almost nose brushing his cheek- many jolts where I'd stumble and fall against him slightly but he didn't bat an eyelid.
Being this close to Dan was bad- very very bad. All his features up that close was just too much for me.
His creamy skin was tinted pink, warming up from the cold. Freckles were sparsely spread across his cheek. All the depths and curves of his face closer than I'd ever seen before but not as bold as that night in France. I noticed his pale thin lips twitch and I ached to see the twitch form a smile but it never progressed. Brown eyes relaxed and roaming everywhere else but me.
That urge hit me again, like the one that happened that night in Paris; That urge to just close the space between us. To reach out to touch him- only just for him to look at me.
Memories of his sleepy mumbles invaded, making me drift further away from reality. When he purred a little tune to himself as he drifted to sleep that night, or maybe early morning, in our hotel room, a bedside table away from me. Then my breath caught. He's so beautiful.
Those dimples I remembered so well came back and those lips finally formed into the smile I wanted but his head soon ducked down as he cleared his throat. Head coming back up, he looked at me, trying to take a step back but didn't succeed as there was no space and a small child behind him. ''You must quit staring at me, especially like that, Phil. I can feel you analysing every tissue of skin on my face.''
Caught off guard and wrenched back into reality, I faltered. ''Sorry it-it was unintentional I just-'' was so busy admiring you.
Saved by the chimes of the announcer, I sighed- releasing an unknown tension that built up in my shoulders. ''The next station is Canary Wharf. Change for DLR.''
The doors of the tube slid open and the classic chime of ''Please mind the gap'' was the green light for all the people bundled in the metal hot box to go. People began to flow out of the tube at high speed, streaming into the platform, creating islands around those figures standing still and tall still waiting for their turn to be suffocated in the underground hot boxes. Nothing quite like the Underground in August. Dan and I too managed to escape the underground without losing one another. He let me lead us, for some unknown reason as I am one of the most uncoordinated people you could ever wish to meet. Every now and then I'd look back and there Dan was with his camera to his face. His intentions for having me ahead soon became clear as I saw his camera and heard the repetitive clicking. I will never get used to having my photograph taken- even though it's my job.
We made our way to the escalator, carrying us up into the daylight. The sky wasn't so moody by then but wasn't quite that burnt orange that was always nice after the storm. It just was grey but bright nethertheless.
Distracted by the glass ceilings and architecture of Canary Wharf station, I had stopped paying attention to the clicks of Dan's camera and, somehow, Dan all together. But, when I turned back to look at him, there he was squatting on the escalator step with his camera back to his face.
''D-Dan?'' I couldn't help but laugh. ''What are you doing down there?''
He looked so focused at that point, fiddling with the lens. ''I'm taking a photo of your urban shoes in a, duh, urban environment. I'm not advertising you Phil.'' He soon stood back up as we reached the top of the escalator. ''I am, however, advertising my clothing brand and simply using you.''
It was a funny way to think about it. I was a walking mannequin for Dan to play dress up with as he put me in all his designs.
''You could say something nicer than 'using you'.'' I shook my head but still smiled, reaching the gates of the Wharf, tapping my oyster.
Dan scoffed from behind, repeating me, ''This new found confidence is strange to me, Phil.'' He begun, taking the lead. ''You went from the strange little man, who isn't even that little, that could not look my way. You went from a complete mess who constantly cried to you, now.'' Something about what he said annoyed me. What did he expect? If you treat somebody badly, they won't be comfortable around you. ''You are still a nervous wreck but at least we communicate now.''
I stopped in my tracks, ''No, think of it like this. One of the first things you said to me was that I am a disappointment? Don't say you didn't because I remember because you made me cry. You made me feel so-so small that day! It is hard to communicate with someone who blows hot and cold! It-It's hard to feel comfortable with someone who makes you feel like shit, excuse my language. You came into my home and interrogated me? But hey, at least we communicate now.'' I rushed, unsure what just came over me. Something bubbled and bubbled and just spilt over. ''No- let's change that. At least you treat me with mutual respect now.''
Dan stood dumbfounded, a few steps away from me. ''Where did that come from? We have been calm all day and there has been no upset, or at least to my understanding.'' He put a finger to his temple, rubbing it as he looked down to his shoes. ''I thought me chasing after you on a bike and the apology earlier calmed this all down? I am trying but focus on the mutual respect part. I am trying and I am getting better at it.''
I couldn't stop. ''Am I still a disappointment or did I miraculously improve over Christmas, remember that? Did it take me being fired to-''
''Shut up Phil!'' His hand left his temple and fell into a fist, clenched at his side. His teeth were clamped together and his words hissed at me, ''I meant-Oh god. You're a disappointment because of your lack of confidence! You spent your whole time trembling and shying away. I was disappointed you weren't self-loving.'' Dan's eyes shut, slowly releasing his clenched fist. ''You're not a disappointment- It's a disappointment that you can not feel comfortable in your own skin. I did not use the right words, did I?'' He took some deep breaths, looking at me, dead in the face and it was like he couldn't look away. ''Somebody said to me once, not some time ago that perception is key and that I need to be more empathetic and he said that I need to take life into a better perspective. I-I thought about it...a lot and I'm trying Phil so please, cut me some fucking slack.'' His voice would range from quiet to loud in a matter of seconds, one minute he was explaining the next he was shouting.
''Please don't shout at me, Dan. By shouting at me you are taking back everything you are trying to do.''
There was silence between us, but neither of us looked away. It wasn't a glare or an uncomfortable stare. It was a moment for everything to sink in and an expression crossed his face that read, 'I understand'.
Dan crossed the distance between us, holding my shoulders. He wasn't harsh at all, he held me like you would hold a china doll. ''I am sorry and I can't express it enough. I get angry when things don't come out right, okay? I do not mean to shout, honestly, but I have now recognised what I did in the past was wrong but I thought we agreed to move on? Wait-I take that back. I haven't now recognised, I recognised quite some time ago.'' His hands slipped down to my elbows. ''I'm sorry, Phil.'' and that was the softest I had ever heard Dan's voice.
And there it was again, that change in air. And there I stood again, flustered in front of Dan. No-Flustered over Dan. There it was again, that same feeling this all started with.
That feeling I always feel with Dan, not just specific times.
I never realised it was there unless it was overwhelming
and that moment in time, the feeling was overwhelming.
It was empowering.
It was soft and warm yet...so strong.
I couldn't help myself.
''You're so beautiful, Dan.''
===
wELL FOLKS,,
readers: no jojo bc you cant write for shit ,, take your fancy formatting & leaVE.
& shout out to chloe for sitting through my over critical self (she sat for an hour watching me edit a paragraph,, true friendship)
how to thank for this update: cara, chloe, josie(she does super cute art @jijifun & there's quite a bit of camboy in there) & ofc layla bc i mean she only messages me the words ''UPDATE''
thanks for sticking by the this~~
jojo x
p.s chARACTER DEVELOPMENT YEEE BOiiis