Fact 12:
Self-mutilation (cutting or burning) is one way in which individuals show they are depressed
~~//~~//~~//~~
We went to Disneyland Paris, the moment I stepped into the entrance it felt like I stepped into the magical world where princess roam the area with their king. Big tall castles displayed infront of us and parades where only the warriors, princess, prince, iconic cartoon characters, queens and kings are all marching and waving at us.
Lights and rides lit up even at daylight. Kids ran around in joy seeing their favourite characters, you can see the tears in their eyes as they hug them. This place is where it's okay to believe in magic, dragons and pirates.
"Here is it okay for you to stand up now?" I took my dad's hand.
"Yes sweetie I can always walk I'm just too lazy" He winked half joking.
"Let's go on all the rides!" I grin over at him excitedly.
"Oh no Hailey I think you'll give me a heart attack. I'm not as young as I use to be" Dad protest.
"How about you kids have fun will be in the restaurant when you're done meet us there" Amy nodded wrapping her slender arms around my dad. "There's this great long island tea there it will be a blast!"
I heard my dad give out a groan giving me a mock terrified look making me laugh at them.
"I guess it's just us two" Sky sent me a smile. "Where to first?"
"Oh my god, I don't know where to begin" I sighed lovingly looking all around me.
Then I spotted space world and I almost squealed seeing all the things I can go to. I began jogging towards it not even bothering to tell Sky.
"Hey Hailey!" I heard Sky running after me.
I stood behind a guy on the cue with two toodlers who is stressing him out that I was scared his hair might fall off.
"Don't just run off like that at least tell me where you're going next time" He stopped next to me.
"Oh my god, I can't believe I'm here. I've always wanted to go here. Me and my dad would always go to our carnival it was our tradition and being here now is just unbelievable." I could almost cry.
"You're so cute" He chuckled. "You're like a kid"
I tried not to blush at his comment or the way he's looking at me like he wants to pintch my cheeks.
"Can you blame me? I've always been obessed with theme parks and any other carnivals when I was a kid" We slowly began to hop in the ride.
The safety instructor told us to buckle up in our seats while other fill all the emty seats up.
"What's so special about theme parks?" He strap his belt.
"I love the smell of popcorn in the air, the laughter all around, the noises and lights at night. I love the smell of sugar roast and cinamin all around. I love the memories I have in there and I also love the fact that my parents fell in love in a carnival I guess that's the main reason why I would spend the rest of my days there." I smiled.
"You love all the little things don't you Hailey" He sighed giving me a question but he said it more of a statement.
I look at him he didn't give off that much in his expression but there's this shine in his eyes that looked at me like he has never seen me before and it's just now that he's laid his eyes on me.
The ride began and my heart speed up I didn't know if it was the ride the was causing my heart to jump or is it the way he's looking at me?
After hours of riding most of the rides and lining up in the longest cues on earth my feet is killing me but I wanted to ride on all of it but Sky wouldn't let me.
"Let's go meet our parents already I'm hungry! You wouldn't even stop for food you freak" He said playfully.
"You should've of said something" I defended.
"I did!" He looked at me open mouth. "12 times!"
"Well...you should've said it louder" I mumbled and in return he gave me a flat look.
"Let's just go before I faint!" He said over dramatically making me chuckle.
After we ate and after Sky ate two massive burger, drank 3 milkshakes and ate what looks like a whole packet of chips we headed outside to wait for the fireworks. The castle is lit up into a crystal blue colour that is glowing in the dark with the stars high above.
We stood around waiting for the great fireworks that is always displayed at night.
My dad tug at my hand patting his lap for me to sit. I sat down wrapping my arms around him and then the sky exploded with a golden color and it was like stars raining down on us. The loud boom and spike of the fireworks and the bright color made me wish time would stop with all of us quite staring up at the sky in amazement.
"I love you angel" My dad kissed the side of my head.
"I love you dad" I lean my head on his shoulder.
~~//~~//~~
We saw all the things that makes Paris perfect, we laughed and we held hands and it was the best moment of my life. It seems like all the sadness in me faded but then it was like life had to remind me about my dad's sickness.
It's one of those days where dad is having a bad day. He's been coughing and finding it hard to breathe. He lay in bed all day trying to get his strength back. The look on Amy and David's face says it all. The happiness in the house slowly faded like the sadness did in the beginning. It's the first time they saw my dad like that and I knew they're not use to him not being the happy guy they know.
Amy and David tried to get the spirits lifted and I tried to but it felt like something is weighing me down. A permanent lump has formed in my throat. Even Sky tried to talk to me but I shut them out staying in my dad's room watching his heart monitor.
Night came fast and I found myself sitting on the balcony every night these past week. At the same time ten minutes after I go out Sky comes and join. We even set up a small white mattress with a duvet on top.
"You know what I do when I'm sad?" Sky pulled the covers over us.
"What?"
"I drink." He pulled out a bottle of whiskey beside him. "I know it's a bad habbit to drown out your sorrows but you know what I think." He pause twist the lid open. "I think that drinking helps to tell each other things we don't usually say. At times it's not about the alcohol trying to keep you numb it's about the person who you are with sharing the drink."
He took a swing of the brown liquid I watch him wince at the taste. He look over at me with a small encouraging smile he hand it over.
I took a deep breath and took a sip of the rich flavor of whiskey that settled warmly in my stomach. I cough tasting whisky for the first time and I did not like it one bit.
"You'll get use to it" He took another drink.
After passing the bottle to each other in silence my throat felt numb and heavy as the liquid didn't burn my lungs anymore. It felt numb and my head felt heavy and light headed. Sky on the other hand looks the same, sexy as ever.
"I'm scared" I whispered. "I'm so scared of losing him" And finally I let the tears fall.
I took a deep breath trying to clam myself but all it was doing was making me feel more sadder then before. Tears began pouring staining my cheeks and I couldn't stop it.
"I know" Sky whispered and to my surprise he wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me onto him. "I know" He mumbled through my hair.
I stiffen slightly feeling his define chest on my finger tips and the warm feeling spreading through my body. The delicious smell making my senses clouded for a second.
"Every morning I always prepare myself maybe this is the day. This is the day he's going to die and you have to be strong. You can't crawl into a ball and shut the world out. Every morning I prepare myself to see a dead body. Every morning I prepare myself to cry. Every morning I tell myself 'Some day things will get better. Some day you won't be sad anymore.' and every morning I would wake up with him smiling at me." I sobbed.
His arms tighten around me to my shock he lift me off the ground and slide me over his lap like a child. He cradle me to his chest, hearing the beat of his heart created a calm feeling in me. I lean on his shoulder with his chin resting on my head.
"I can't." I gasp for air like it's being taken from me. "I can't live without him..I can't do it...I can't" My throat tighten and my chest moved rapidly at the thought of my dad not being there. "He's my best friend"
He pull me back with his long hands almost the size of my face held me making me stare at him. He said no words but I was comforted. His long fingers brush the tears on my face and I kept still staring at the person infront of me having a calming effect on me. Even if more tears began falling he wiped all of them off.
No words came but it was perfect so we sat there in the night staring at each other. He saw the sadness in me and I saw the sadness flashing in him. I wanted to question it, I wanted to know why he's sad but it was the silence that comforted us.
~~//~~//~~
I woke up with birds chirping their happy songs and the warm wind blew my hair, the blazing sun warming my skin. I forced my heavy lids open and found myself wrapped in Sky's arms. My head buried on his neck with his head resting on mine and his arms wrapped around me. My heart pound so loud that I was scared I was scared he will wake from it.
A small smile lingered on my face as I remembered last night. I slowly pulled back from him making sure I didn't wake him. I look at his sleeping form and I knew it, I knew his face is the most adorable in the morning. I love the way his eyes flutter and his lips parted slightly and the way his hair fell against his face. I raised my hand and trace his face with my fingers outlining his jaw making its way to his dark eyebrows that is slightly frowned. I smooth it out like I was erasing his frown away.
I wanted to stare at him forever it felt like I could. I felt something in me and it felt different, something new I've never felt before. Looking at him now I knew what I was feeling that I won't forget. I didn't want to admit and I didn't want to say it aloud but I knew I've already started to fall in love with him.
I sharply pulled my hand back in shock at the realization of my feelings. I jolt back landing on the hard ground causing me to groan. Sky jolt up too his eyes snapping wide awake, slowly his eyes met mine in confusion.
I wince rubbing my butt, his perfect eyebrows came together.
"We fell asleep here? And what are you doing on the ground?" He rubbed his eyes in a cute way that makes just want to say 'aw'
Instead I began to say. "I...don't know.."
"Okay then" He chuckled standing up.
He thrust his hand towards me, I look at his hand like if I touch it I might not let go. He saw my hesitation making him frown so I quickly grabbed his hand trying not to look like a freak staring at his hand. The warmth of his hand and the way his hand wrapped around my tiny hands made me feel secure.
"Let's go cook waffles! I'm hungry" He whine rubbing his stomach.
"You're always hungry" I chuckled walking inside. "I think you need to cut down on the food"
"Are you trying to say I've gone fat?" He yelled that can wake the whole house.
"Well" I look over at his slim muscular body pretending to think about it. "You have gone a little on the chubby side" I lied causing him to gasp at me in the most dramatic way making me laugh.
"How dare you?!" He gasped. "I work hard and hard for my body and this is what I get your hurtful insults." He place a hand over his chest pretending to cry.
His cry came out as high pitch whimpering making me laugh at the sight of him. He looked up laughing with me. He walked over to the kitchen and began to cook. In the end of the result the kitchen looked like a cyclone hit it but the waffle he made is mouth watering.
I took two hot waffle and began eating it making me moan at every bite.
"You better stop making those sounds before I-
"Before you what?" I swallowed.
"Before....." His voice began to trail and by the look on his face it looks like he lost all train of thoughts making me roll my eyes at him. "Never mind eat up Hailey I want you to catch up to me with being chubby" He teased.
I chuckled and began eating more. After we ate I put the plate on the sink and got ready for the day. I thought it would be awkward between us but nothing changed. My mind began to run over the event last night over and over and the more I think about it the more my feelings felt something more.
I walked upstairs towards dad's room slowly I poke my head in checking up on him and to my surprised to find both Amy and David. I smiled at them I was about to greet them but then I saw the tears in their face. Amy quickly spin around pretending she's not crying. My throat began to tighten feeling a different atmosphere here then down stairs.
"What's going on?" I look over to my dad lying there with his oxygen in his nose.
"Baby girl come here" My dad breathe deeply.
I wanted to move closer to him but my foot wouldn't let me, it's like my whole body began to shut down. My hands shook and my eyes began well up fearing what's coming next.
"Hailey?" It seems like my dad is having trouble saying things without being out breath.
Slowly I walked up to him standing by him and trying not to break down right there. I look over at my dad's dark circles around his eyes that looks like he haven't slept for over a few months. His skin is a pale unhealthy color. His eyes is red and glassy telling me he's been crying. I reached for his hand holding him tightly, I wanted him to squeezed it as tightly as I did but he couldn't and it hurts me so much to know what's about to come.
I blink away the tears that was trying to blind me.
"You are the best person I could have asked for and I'm so proud to be called your father." He gasp for air at every word. "You're everything in the world to me and I hope one day....one day you'll be okay." His voice trembled.
I knelled next to his bed and shook my head rapidly making my tears fall. I press his hand on my cheeks kissing his palm. He's here, he's going to stay here, he can't leave not yet. Not just yet please, not yet. I cried on his hand not wanting to lose his touch.
"No..No, no," I cried loudly. "Don't leave me please" My chest felt like it's about to break.
"Hailey.." He blink away his tears. "It hurts me so much to leave you like this" He breathe rapidly causing me to sob.
"You are going to be okay dad" I got up nodding wiping away my tears but it was like my face is broken it began to leak nonstop. "You are going to get through this, we're going to make it just like you said remember. We're going to make it" I clutched at his hand desperately wanting him to agree.
"I love you so so so much" He had trouble breathing.
I blink away the tears trying to ignore the pain rushing through my body.
"Here angel I want you to have this.." He showed me a white ring with designs on it.
I took it from his hand and looked at the complicated lock on it and the flower designs on the side.
"It's your birthday" He nodded weakly.
I put on the code in the lock and the beautiful ring popped open with three columns. I slowly turned the white rings reading the words. 'U R my greatest Art' Reading those words I began to wept, it felt like my whole world is began crumbling and everything is becoming darker.
I look up towards my dad watch his eyes drop slowly and his chest breathing rapidly. Then it all started, my greatest fear began. I would always prepare for what would happen but I can never prepare for this. I can never say goodbye to the man that made my life a little easier.
"No!" I gasp.
I shook him trying to wake him up but I watch slowly as his head fell limply on the pillow. I shook him feeling everything I love being torn from my grasp and I can't take it anymore. I look over at Amy and David who was red faced with tears running down there faces.
"Do something please!" I begged. "He can't die! No, I can't....No!" I squeezed my eyes shut shaking my head. "He's not dead, he's not dead." I chant over and over losing my mind.
I snap my eyes open rushing towards my dad shaking him but his eyes wouldn't open and the longer he didn't the more it hurts to be here with him. His body began to be still making me cry out in pain.
"Do something please" I look over them as they stood there in shock.
David walk up to me slowly and put his hand on my shoulder.
"Sweetie I'm so sorry your dad-
"No!" I yelled in anger pushing David causing him to stumble.
"Hailey" Sky's voice made me freeze.
His eyes was red filled with pain and pity.
I walk over to my dad and took hold of his sweater leaning my head on his shoulder. My body heaved trying to breathe but it feels like my chest wouldn't let me and every breath is painfully.
"You can't leave me" I shook my head. "Who will love me now?" I whispered painfully.
I fell on the floor defeated rocking myself trying to stop the pain in my chest. My face drenched in tears. It's funny how everything changed so fast from the morning to this. It's funny to think that for a little while I felt a little complete in the morning. I felt okay but now every fiber in my body is hurting and I didn't know how to stop it.
I pant trying to process all of this but I can't accept it, my mind is rejecting the idea that I will never see him again. I felt a warm touch on my body making me turn seeing Sky kneeling down beside me with his arms lifting me up to cradle me just like last night.
I clutched onto him like I need him more then I ever needed anyone in my life. He rocked me back and forward as I cry and cry until my face is sore and my eye lid began to shut without my permission. I fell into a black dreamless dream and in there all the pain was gone.
Sky's POV
I watch her leave upstairs that girl has no idea how much I adore her. Wrapping my arms around her last night felt right. She fitted against my body like she's made for me. When she cried last night it broke my heart, it really did. I hate seeing girls cry, it makes me uncomfortable but seeing her cry all I wanted to do is wipe it all away.
I head upstairs towards my parents room knocking loudly.
"Yo get up lazy!" I banged the door open to see a bed that's never been slept on.
Maybe they are in Tim's room so I began walking up there. I knock quietly and opened it slowly seeing my parents there hand in hand with Tim with tears all over their faces. I swallowed having a bad feeling about this.
"Skyler" My mom wiped her face.
I look over at my dad and saw the broken look he gave me, my whole life I've never seen that look on his face. That hurt and pain was so clear that a blind man can see it. I look over at Tim who lay still being so weak he can't even lift his own head. A small weak smile formed on his face.
"Young man come here I want to talk to you" He gestured to move closer.
Oh no, I'm not good at these kind of things. I've never witness death before or even set foot in a funeral. I walked towards him feeling my frown deepen seeing the heavy way he's struggling to breathe.
"Can I trust you to look after my daughter?" He said slowly trying to catch his breath.
"Of course sir" I nodded.
"Good, good so I don't have to kick your ass?" He cracked a smile, he laughed but it turned into a horrible cough making him groan in pain.
I pat his shoulder lightly even I've gotten use to him being around. He has this effect on people that makes them attach just like his daughter.
"I promise sir, I promise to protect her" I vowed.
"Thank you" He said faintly.
I look over at my dad as he try to put up a brave mask but how can he when his best friend, his brother is lying on a bed ready to die at any moment.
"Son would you please get your mom water?" I didn't recognized his voice.
He sounded different, he sounds like he's in physical pain. I nodded walking past my mom and gave her a kiss which she smiled gratefully. I walked down to the kitchen feeling the fear I have for Hailey when she finds out. Seeing her like that last night was horrible but seeing her really break down for the lost of her dad would be painfully for anyone.
I shook my head I can only imagine the way she would look, the way she would cry out for her dad and I don't want to see it. In all my life knowing Hailey and seeing her at school with her head down and her broken eyes that seem to look pass everyone. I saw the pain in her eyes but that pain wasn't even half of it and last night I saw it all. I saw all her pain and when you see it you can't help but fall down with her sadness.
I walked upstairs and heard the most heart breaking cry, slowly I opened the door seeing Hailey clutching to her dad close to her. Her face filled with pain and lost and it's like she's ready to give it all up at that moment.
My lungs seem to clenched painfully at the sight hearing her sob echo in the once happy house. I look over at my parents where my mom hugged my dad tightly like she can't take looking at Hailey.
"Do something please!" She plead staring at my dad.
Dad hesitated but he put his hand over her shaking shoulder, his tears fell the same time as hers did.
"I'm sweetie I'm so sorry your dad is-
"No!" She shouted.
I've never seen Hailey ever mad she pushed dad away from her making him stumble. My dad hung his head down in sadness covering his mouth as if he's about to give out a cry.
"Hailey" I sighed staring at her hurt me more then I expected.
Her eyes seems empty and something in the way her face would twist painfully. She blink away the tears and snapped her eyes back at her dad. She hugged him close to her as she cry on his shoulder.
"You can't leave me" She whispered into his ear. "Who will love me now?"
We all heard her broken plead the hurt and pain in her voice made my own eyes tear up. My own mom looked at her husband in tears hearing the saddest thing anyone could every say. Then she fell on the floor on her knees clutching herself in pain. I put the glass of water down and rush towards her taking her in my arms. Her small frame shook frantically, I wrapped my arms tightly around her and she did with mine. She moved closer to me with her fist clenched in my clothes. She cried and she cried all the pain away but that wasn't enough. Nothing will be enough to get rid of the pain.
I felt my shirt wet from all her tears and when all the tears were shed there was nothing left more to do then fall asleep. Her body stopped shaking and her cried died and she fell into a deep sleep in my arms.
"You should put her to her bed son" Dad nodded staring at his best friend lying dead.
Carefully I lift her up and carried her up to her room. I lay her down on the bed wrapping her body in the blanket. She stir slowly, her eyes still closed and the pain in her face is gone. She looks so peacefully but every now and then her lips would curve into a small frown.
"Stay" She whispered her eyes still close to my surprise.
I took my shoes off and lay beside her watching her sleep but not being able to touch almost drove me mad. My hands moved to her shoulder and down to her small waist pulling her close to me. Her slender frame leaned against mine closely. I love the way her body curved perfectly against mine and how she buries her face against my neck and her breath fan against my bare skin.
I just hope she knows how strong she is and that she can make it through without him. My fingers lace through her soft black curly hair. I found myself giving her a kiss on her forehead and my lips lingered on her head for a little while.
It seems like it wasn't long until she began stiring and slowly she opened her eyes. I pull away and stare at her, her eyes snapped back to mine and the emptiness there was like bomb blown up in my face. She didn't shed a tear but she looked at me as if she's not even there anymore.
"What are you feeling?" I brush away the hair on her face.
I sat up watching her expressionless face, her eyes red and puffy making her look tired.
"Angry" I was surprise by her answer. "Is that so selfish of me to say?"
"No, no of course not" I shook my head. "I think you're human you have every right to feel angry."
She put her head on my lap as she lay down on her side. My hands automatically goes to her hair feeling the soft texture of it.
"I don't know what to say to make you feel better" I said honestly struggling with words to make her forget for a little while.
"You don't have to say anything" She whispered.
"Okay"
She turned to lay on her back staring at me then I saw her tears again that rolled on the side of her face. We stayed like that for more then an hour staring at each other for comfort with no words needed to be said. Slowly I took her hand and lace her fingers with mine and for that moment a small smile lingered on her face but as quickly as it came it vanished.