"He said that?!" Love's assertive passion was enough to flush her cheeks.
"I just laughed and said, 'Sorry to burst your bubble but you realised that far too late.' and exited. I don't need his idiocy and I especially don't need Amethyst to be katty over something I don't even care about."
"You go girl!" Faith grinned and Grace laughed.
I was having lunch with some of the girls in form and I knew that I felt happy. I could feel my lips quirking up in a smile every once and again during the day. I had people to talk to and things had partly resolved between me and Sav. We were on speaking terms but it wasn't how it was before, or how it was in my memories.
"Who would've thought shy little Hope would stand up against Jarrett Brown?" Love giggled.
"That happens when I'm angry." I threw away my trash and grabbed my schoolbag. "Gotta go to the Newspaper Office and finish off the page before printing. See you guys in English."
I speed-walked to Room 7 and plopped into the nearest seat. Christopher had a exasperated expression on his face, frantically texting someone and groaning every few minutes. It seemed that his anger was ubiquitous because everyone else had frustrated expressions. The room was silent as the rapid clicking of keys summoned paragraphs in seconds. I opened up our email to check for any final letters.
Dear Anonymous Adviser,
I have always been quite chubby. I've tried losing weight but it just makes me gain even more weight and I'm starting to get rude and nasty comments. I tried to not let them get to me but I don't want to deal with body shaming any more so I'm on a diet. Do you have any advice on losing weight fast?
Anonymous
I was slightly stunned. I had no idea how to reply. What if I say the wrong thing? I stared at the computer screen in thought.
Dear Anonymous,
I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't have any tips on losing weight. However, this is what I want to advise you; instead of putting yourself on a diet and making yourself suffer, talk to someone who will help stop the body shame. It's OK to have a different type of body but it's not OK to put yourself down. I hope this helped.
Anonymous Adviser
I reread my reply and deleted it. It was too rambley, it didn't even answer her question. I propped my head in my hands in an attempt to think but my mind went blank.
"Eliza, I'm going to have to work on this tonight," I muttered as I saved the letter on my memory stick.
"All right but you need to be here extra early tomorrow because the issue has to be printed by second period."
I nodded and rushed out of the room and into Room 3. I needed to speak to someone. That someone was Prudence Bonneville.
She wasn't there. Love told me she had just left for a Science quiz and wasn't going to be in school for the last two periods. I felt like shattering because I needed to know if it was her. Prudence had let it slip that she was going on a diet and that was what made me so suspicious.
Miss Castleton talked about an essay we had to write next week and I felt Jarrett steal surreptitious glances towards me but I was solely focused on my reply. It was something serious that would take a lot of consideration. What if I said something wrong? What if the person was triggered by anorexia and bulimia? They probably haven't told their parents or any teachers so what if they do the wrong thing? What if-
"Miss Febland!" I was startled out of my thoughts to see Miss Castleton making eye contact with me. "Can you repeat today's tasks?"
"Er," I glanced at the board before looking back up at her. "Read three of Sylvia Plath's poems and annotate them. After that, make notes on her style and the themes she includes."
"Good. Make sure you're paying attention." Miss Castleton turned to the whole class. "You may start working."
I scrambled out of my seat and to the front where our books were placed. Sitting back down, I started working before my thoughts could cloud up my focus again. I muted the background noise and ignored Jarrett's attempts to talk to me.
Sylvia Plath had been one of my favourite poets for a very long time. I had started reading her work in Year 7 and I was mesmerised by her use of language to create imagery. A number of her struggles were expressed in her poetry and I just find her story so heart-breakingly beautiful.
My hand started cramping and I set my pen down for a second. I felt slightly overwhelmed by how immersed I was in this task that I decided to have a quick drink, finish off my annotations and try to write. Miss Castleton gave us ten minutes at the end of each lesson to work on our own poetry and I hadn't written a poem in two or three weeks. I didn't realise how much I missed it. I missed pouring all of my emotions into a few stanzas and doing it in an artistic way that could disguise it to the non-analitical eye.
I Love You
I Love You.
Those three words
that hold innocence,
passion, power, commitment.
I Love You.
Reserved for times
when butterflies explode
in your stomach.
I Love You.
My grin widens
My heart thumps
at your words.
I'm finally happy
and then you
ruin it all.
I Love You.
A phrase you
use unsparingly to
the point where
it is meaningless.
i Love You.
Your words ignite
my soul each
morning. They comfort
throughout bad days.
But do you
really mean them?
i love You.
I no longer
believe those words.
You loved me
then, you didn't.
i love you.
I loved the you before
all the cheating,
the late nights,
the misuse of your words.
And now I'll break the three worded curse.
I loved you too.
***
I felt the duvet getting yanked off my body and onto the floor.
"Get up Hope!" Amy whisper-yelled. "Mum just told me that Auntie Lauren and the cousins are coming over for dinner but she also invited the Darwins to celebrate Paul moving in. You know how the cousins are so I called up Jess and she said we'll lock ourselves in our room to hang out and then the pizza man will drop off some food from the window."
"You know you're bloody mental right?" I grabbed my duvet off the ground and made my bed. "When are they arriving?"
The doorbell rang. Amy smirked at my look of horror. I had come home and immediately started working on the newspaper page so I'd had no time to reapply makeup or brush my hair. I scrambled to the bathroom and wiped the makeup off my face before Amy had to rush in and drag me out. Luckily, it was just the Darwins. Jess gave us a sheepish smile before she too dragged her brothers into our room.
"All right losers," Amy announced. "The revolution starts here."
She stomped her foot and I snorted. Fred and Ryan sat on chairs while Jess was sprawled over Amy's bed.
"What do we do now?" she asked, twirling a lock of her hair.
I shrugged, scrolling through Instagram. I had started a fan account a few days ago and let's just say that I was going slightly crazy. I had stayed up late into the night and wee hours of the morning to do edits. A lot of them were of the Dream Catchers which got Amy into saying that I was too obsessed and I couldn't disagree.
You can imagine my reaction when I saw an article where it said that Laurel Graham, the main singer had just confirmed her relationship with Noah Stammers, the lead singer of another band. I felt my cheeks burn and I smiled giddily like a lunatic. I wanted to run around the room and be able to fangirl with Grace but I seriously wasn't up to embarrassing myself in front of the guests.
"Hope," Fred's voice rang in my ears. I looked up. "Are you alright? You've gone a bit red."
"I'm fine," I said. "Just texting Grace."
"Has Jarrett spoken to you?"
"He talked to me on Sunday but we haven't spoken since."
"Kids, Auntie Lauren's here!" Mum's shouted from the kitchen. Amy and I simultaneously cursed.
"I don't understand what's so bad about your cousins," Ryan said, removing an earbud.
"You'll be regretting those words real quick Ry."
"What do we do?" Jessica asked, panic showing on her face. "The whole point was to stay here and keep away from your cousins."
"Why don't we just pretend like we didn't hear her?" I suggested, plugging in my earbuds. They all did the same and Amy gave me a pained look. It was probably about the pizza, she was looking forward to chilling out in our room with her friends.
"Hope? Amy? Open up girls! I said Auntie Lauren's here."
This time we couldn't get away because Mum was outside our room. Cautiously, I moved to the door and unlocked it before I was met with the faces of my four cousins. I came out, greeted everyone while Amy tried not to scowl.
"Um, hi Marie," I gave our second oldest cousin a quick hug. "How are you doing?"
Marie was probably the worst one out of all four. She was thirteen, boy crazy and spent her time gossiping. She wasn't as much of a bad person as she was annoying and judged everything we did. Flicking her fair hair behind her shoulder, Marie batted her eyelashes and pouted.
"Hi Hope. Care to introduce me to your friend?" I turned to see Fred shaking hands with Finn, our oldest cousin. He faced Marie at the phrase 'your friend'.
"Marie, this is Fred. Fred this is Marie."
Fred politely extended his hand but she straight up lunged forward to tackle him in a hug. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he was slightly stunned before he patted her shoulder. 'Help me!' he mouthed when her grip tightened.
"So Marie, how's um, school?" I knew I was being the most boring person in the room but I didn't know what else to ask.
"Oh, it's good. So how are you and that Jarrett guy?"
"We broke up."
"Does that mean I can talk to him now?"
"Er, I guess. I don't know if he's going out with anyone."
Marie scoffed. "It's your job as an ex-girlfriend to stalk him until you know his relationship status."
"And bore myself to death," I laughed. "I don't think so."
She sat down at the table and Fred gave a breath of relief. I chuckled at his reaction.
"She's crazy," he muttered and I nodded, sitting between Auntie Lauren and Ryan. Mum had already served dinner when Auntie Lauren turned to me and bombarded me with questions.
"How's your head?"
"Fine."
"When are you going to fully remember everything?"
"In a couple of weeks."
"Are you still pursuing that dumb writing thing?"
Time froze. I knew Dad's side of the family didn't really approve of my ambition to be a writer but she didn't have to put it across so rudely. I sensed Amy, Marie and Fred eavesdropping, from the way they were chewing so quietly as to not miss out any part of our uncomfortable conversation.
"Yes Auntie, I am still doing it."
"Oh," she sighed. "So no one's drilled it into your head that you won't be able to do it?"
I heard Amy hiss as I bared my teeth so slightly that she's didn't even notice.
"No, it's still one of my ambitions."
"Ah well if you want to struggle a lot then that's your choice. Our Marie is already going towards Architecture, just like your father and me. I'm very proud."
"Congratulations to Marie then," I gave her a smile that I hoped looked genuine. "But I'm sticking to my guns."
"Suit yourself Hope, but don't come running back to us when publishers won't take on your writing."
She turned away and I raised an eyebrow before excusing myself to the bathroom. I had exploded a few years ago when no one would take me seriously, not even Mum or Amy, but I knew that it wasn't something I should do now. Auntie Lauren wasn't with me every waking hour to see me pouring over my laptop for a few hours each day. As much as it pained me to admit it, Dad wasn't there either. It wasn't their right to judge me and tell me that I wouldn't be able to make it when they weren't there to see how much effort and hard work I put in my writing nor had they ever asked to read any of it.
I counted to ten, took several deep breaths and sent Amy a quick text that I'll be in our room, eating pizza and listening to music. I'd had enough for one night and I still wasn't finished with my newspaper page. I sighed. Looked like I was going to have to stay up tonight as well.
I snuck out of the toilet and overheard Auntie Lauren bragging. Again.
"Chef? Amy, maths and science are much more useful. Besides from teaching you how to cook, Catering is not going to help you with anything else. Finn is taking triple science and additional maths and he's acing all the mocks."
I narrowed my eyes in the dark and entered our room. Jessica had excused herself to pick up the pizza a few minutes ago so it was still nice and warm. I put on a Dream Catchers' song and bit into one slice.
They don't understand
They never do
But I'll keep on rocking in my
Tie-dyes and enjoying youth.
I laughed at how much it resonated with me. Although I had learned how to deal with my family's opinions and ambitions, it still weighed on me like a boulder because my family were the ones that were supposed to support me and encourage me to keep going when I wasn't in the mood. I had already had enough comments telling me that my work wasn't good enough, no matter how many hours of work I put in.
I felt hot tears spill down my cheeks and I only cried for a few minutes before I wiped them away and got up.
You gotta do what you gotta do,
Even if others don't understand
They never do,
but you'll keep rocking in your
Tie-dyes and enjoying youth.
As much as it hurt, I was going to prove them all wrong. I didn't know how I was going to do it or how long it would take me, and perhaps that was what made fresh tears spring to my eyes. I was going to prove myself wrong for believing that I couldn't do it for a single second.
A/N Hello everyone! Extra chapter this week for a 100+ reads so I hope you enjoyed it. I finished this chapter off on a very bittersweet note, or at least that's how it was for me, because it stayed in my brain for a long time. Hope helps out other people with their problems but she also has to help herself out and the parts where her Aunt is being very unsupportive broke my heart. It sucks when your close ones don't appreciate your hard work but all I have to say is that you should continue doing it if it's your passion. The poem also got to me. Within each bold 'I Love You' the letters stop being capitalised to highlight the lack of importance. Also, three words on each line.
Yes, I am a huge poetry geek, even though I rarely read poetry and am bad at it.Song for this chapter is 'I Want It All' by Queen because it really gives me motivation and I hope you feel something by it too. Also, who's seen the new Tag You're It/ Milk and Cookies double feature? It's awesome.
Grace Phipps as Hope Febland in the media thing. I did think of Emily Rudd but Grace just gives me the Hope vibes. I haz instagram (antoana0502) so check me out for edits, quotes, sneek peeks, recommendations and more shenanigans.
Antoana