On Tour

Chapter 38- memory

"Lily? Lily! Are you ok?" I hear my step-mom run into the bathroom, I stand up and flush the toilet, "Yeah mum, it's just before tour jitters yanno?" I say washing my hands and mouth while she rubs my back, "Well actually I don't," she says chuckling, "You'll be fineee. By what I heard by your phone calls it was a blast!" She says following me as I walk out of the room. "It was a blast, we did a lot last year." I say folding my jean shorts, throwing them in my suit case. "Can you throw me my toothbrush please?" I ask my mom, she nods her head and walks into the bathroom. I grab a stack of shirts and neatly set them in my suitcase. I walk over to my old childhood desk and pick up a picture frame of me, my brother, my sister, my mom, and my dad. We all looked so young and so.... different then we do now. I grab it and close the back, walking over to my bag I wrap a towel around it and set it in. "A Fraternity Test?" I freeze and adrenaline rushes through my body. How did she find that and how could I b such a fool and leave it out? "Why would you need a fraternity test?" She says walking up beside me setting it on the red bed sheets, "We need to talk." I say turning my head so I'm looking at her. I sit down and she continues to pack my bag for me, "Mom, I'm pregnant but..." --- "and that's why I can't tell Josh yet." I finish, I look up at her to see you crying. "Awe mom don't cry, your gonna make me cry." I say standing up and hugging her. "I understand, but you have to tell him soon." I stop hugging her and zip up my bag, "Should I tell him before or during tour?" I say picking up my bag, setting it on the ground. My mom starts flattening out my floral romper, "Do it on the bus. It'll be hard to tell him but you can do it, I promise." She says grabbing my hand and putting it on my suit case handle. I fluff my hair and a little and hug her, "I sure hope so mom."
Later that night
I look down at my glistening glass of apple juice in the moon light. Then I look up at moving road, and then at the clear star speckled sky. I'm gonna be a mother, I look behind me at the dark tour bus and I see a toddler running around. I'm not ready to be a mom and this isn't really the way I wanted to have it, but abortion isn't an option to me. I look back out at the stars, procrastinating my life. I turn my head and set my apple on the counter, I then try to find the lock to the window. My hands run upon a numb on the top of the window, I pull, and hear a click. I grab the bottom of the window and as slowly as possible I creek it all the way open. It flies open with the wind of the road and cool summer air surrounds me. I close my eyes a lean out the window. Have you ever wondered what things would have turned out like if you were never born. Like not in a depressing way, just ever really wondered. Where and who would your parents be? Have you ever impacted anyone, or like really changed someone? Where would the people you love and care about the most be, what would they act like if they have never met you? I feel a hand on my shoulder and jump, "Hey girl how you holding up?" I look back startled, "Tyler! Hey, uh, I'm fine, fine uh, how about you?" I say turning around and leaning back on the windowsill. "No, how are you really doing?" He says jumping up on the windowsill. I look at him, quit pressuring me, "I'm fine, really." I say looking back out at the tour bus, I see a kid but then immediately shake that idea out of my head. Tyler's silent for a minute and then talks, "You remember what happened to you, don't you." He says and I glare out the window and mutter, "Jenna." He sits down on the sofa, "You knew that jen-" "Of course I knew, she looks at me way differently than everyone else does. Always asking how I am, of course I knew." I look back at him and shake my head, biting my lip and I down at my legs, then out the window, It's silent for a few minutes but then I continue to go on, "I remember everything... I remember how he scowled at me the first time I said no. I remember how hard he hit me when I disagreed with something he said. I remember how he told me I was worthless and nothing but a piece of meat. I remember every time he forced me to do something I didn't want to. I remember the first and last time he rap-" I close my eyes, breath in and look farther out the window. "I remember how he pulled my hair around like a leash. I remember how he said no one loved me or ever have loved me. Tyler I remember everything," I say looking back at him suddenly laughing, "No matter the amount of 'memory loss' I have I can never forget that. Who in the hell could just forget something like that," Tyler gets up and walks towards me as I frantically go on, "The worse part is, he's still out there. I have no proof to-I don't even want to see that, that, that monster in court. And I have nightmares, sometimes the nightmares aren't even things he did to me, it's things he would've done to me if I hadn't escaped. Tyler, I-I-I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE." Tyler holds me and I continue to look out the window laying my head on his shoulder. I wasn't done speaking but if he didn't stop me I swear I could go on forever. My mind is always racing at 100 miles per hour and I can't stop it. I'm always thinking about ways I could've avoided the pain he caused me and I could've just 'obeyed' him the first time he asked me of things. I can't even cry, I know Tyler is, but I can't. 'If you cry one more damn time, you get no food for the rest of the week.' That sentence keeps racing my mind. I know I'm with Tyler, I know I'm in a safe place, I know that in a few hours we'll be miles and miles away from here. But whatever, uh what's the right word? Brainwashing he did to me worked becuase I CANT for the life of me bring him out of my mind. Tyler stops hugging me and puts his face in front of mine looking in my eyes, "Everything's gonna be fine, want me to get Josh?" He says, my eyes widen and I shake my head suddenly brought out of my thoughts. "He can't find out, not yet. Let me be the one to tell him." I say quickly, he looks towards the curtain that shelters the beds and looks back at me. "Ok, ok. Lily, I-All of us are never going to let anything happen to you. We promise." I nod my head, the word 'promise' I heard that before, I'm thrown back into my thoughts and Tyler lays down on the sofa. "I'll lay here tonight." I nod my head and say thank you. I look out the window getting back to thinking.