Rond de jambe
round of the leg - tendu front, make a circle toward side with toe, then toward back (en dehors or outward) or back,side, front (en dedans or inward)
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My breath caught in my chest when he walked through the door, looking for all the world like he had just stepped off the glossy magazine after five years he still had that effect on me.
The pain in my throat matched the feeling I carried with me few years ago as I was leaving for Paris; like two giant hands squeezing my lungs and my heart while they both pumped furiously to stay alive.
I was tempted to close my eyes against the pain, but didn't want to stop looking at his beautiful face.
"It's been a while, huh everyone?" Travis spoke up. He took a swig of his beer from Adrian's and sat forward in his chair. The overhead light made his light eyes an eerie color. I smiled at the sight before me. He hadn't changed it at all.
When he came in, he about took my breath away; he was one of the most entrancing men I'd ever seen.
His hair was dark and looked sinfully thick. I itched to run my fingers through the dark locks and push it back from where it fell across his forehead. He had a darkcomplexion now, vaguely Hispanic, with an oval face, full lips, brown eyes, smile lines around his mouth
He was still tall, towering over my height of 5'5 and he wasn't chubby like he was when we were younger. He had been like a walking jellybag with legs, head, and arms. Now, as far as I could see, he had filled out quite nicely and there didn't appear to be any belly peeking from under his shirt so it was probably muscle.
"We haven't done this in a while," he reiterated after swallowing. "Remember the good old days?" he asked looking at everyone. I smiled. We were all listening. Smiling. Nodding. I could only watch as Elaine patted her cousin on the back. He didn't see me at first, and scanned the room swiftly before his eyes finally landed on my direction.
We stood there for a long time. The feelings I felt was stronger and more present in my mind. If cared to admit it to myself, whatever was between us scared me. I couldn't explain what I was feeling but I knew I was doing a number on his head before he turned away.
"Hey, you! I honestly did not think you would come. Akala nga namin you wont show up for the nth time eh" Teddy said, a big smile on his face. Travis seems like he couldn't help but smile but he made it quick.
Adrian large hand slapped Travis on the back. Travis looked over his shoulder at his friend. Teddy put his arm around Travis' shoulder and led him away from the door to the middle of the room, and faced him in my direction
He glanced up from his cell phone in mild interest, looked back down and then back up, his brown eyes meeting my dull ones. He tucked away his cell phone into his back pocket and folded his arms in front of his chest.
Silence loomed in the room before his voice cut in.
"Why is that whenever you have these little parties, you always fail to mention at least one person on the guest list."
Teddy smiled and looked at me. "I have no idea what you are talking about, my friend."
Teddy nudged Travis back into the direction he was supposed to face. "Don't play, Ted. Why is she here?"
Teddy chuckled and faced Travis once again. He knocked on Travis' head. "Don't be rude, Pal. Nikki just came back from Paris and you're a smart kid you'll connect the dots. This is a barkada mini-get together. If you grew up with us in the neighborhood, then, buddy, this is where you're at tonight. So tell me, why would you think your little girlfriend wouldn't be here?"
When Travis said nothing, Teddy patted him on the shoulder proceeded to walk away before turning around again. "Maybe you should, hm, I don't know...Maybe patch some things up with her?"
"Right." Travis scrunched his nose up as if thinking then shook his head, his longs spikes not moving an inch despite the constant movement. He regarded me for a second and then said while looking at me in the eyes "Like I was the one who kick someone to the curb just when you needed her the most" Echoed through the room.
I didn't have to analyze around to tell that he was feeling. It was in his voice. That slight sound of mockery played in his words like a child on monkey bars. I didn't know whether to feel betrayed or grateful.
"Don't get me wrong, She had been on my list of people to see, but not now. Not so soon."
I looked back at him but he seemed unfazed by the whole situation that was going to play out in a matter of seconds. He kept a straight face and met my gaze when I turned to him.
Dinners with everybody was awkward with they give off those secret signals at each other most filled with furtive looks and heated stares.
Conversation from that point on covered everything. I found it amusing when I still saw flickers of the boy I had known as he spoke of his adventures as a man. My mind drifted back over our adventures and I was aware that certain places were becoming very warm and the tension was drifting away
.
All of us were chatting amicably when Elaine suddenly felt nauseous. She managed to make it outside before she threw up. Teddy raced over to see if she was all right.
"Laine, are you Ok?" he asked concerned.
"I'm fine Ted. Just a little sick. I think I'm coming down with a cold. Nothing to worry about." She said after they both went back on the table upon cleaning up. Teddy wrapped an arm around her and gave a squeeze escorting her back.
Liz, being the doctor-to-be on our Barkada, finished up and telling Elaine to look after herself more now that she's pregnant.
Elaine laughed and told us she would be making sure she did give it to us just for being so cheeky with her.
Throughout the exchange Travis had pointedly ignored my existence. He pretended that I wasn't there. I felt this was some small vindication.
I was quietly fuming as Travis continued to chat to the others or fiddle with his beer. I realized that he had been avoiding me.
It was in his eyes; there was a fundamental honesty, almost a transparency...what you see is what you get...this is all I have to give you "I didn't know you were gonna be here, Trav."
I hadn't been ready yet either. And I was sure I looked like shit. Instinctively I brought a hand to my hair and smoothed them out. The action brought a smile to Travis' face.
"Monique" I felt a chill go down my spine at his voice. My name rolled of his tongue like ice cream on a hot surface. "It's been a while. You look..." his eyes roamed my body, searching for the word. "Good," he said, finally finishing.
"You've changed a bit" I said. When I looked, he was standing a few feet away, and I thought I saw something like pain cross his face, but then he chuckled and I knew I was wrong.
"Oh.. you don't know what you're talking about" He said with a smirk
'Don't. Say. A word.' I told myself.
And I didn't. I simply stood there, nodded once, then looked at the ground. Inside I was screaming from the awkwardness of the whole situation. This was not what I planned. I wasn't ready to see him yet. He was always so dam—
Adrian and Liz took it as a sign to leave and they did, disappearing into the back of the store along side with Dennis and Ted who said they needed to pee, leaving us alone with Elaine.
Elaine cleared her throat, breaking the silence that was lingering after the outburst. "Well this is unexpected," She began. Travis looked at her.
"You don't sound to surprised," He said. Elaine shook her head incessantly "Oh, no. I'm just as surprised as you are. If I had known you two would meet up I would have brought popcorn and gummy bears." I rolled my eyes and then mouthed the words 'that's not funny.'
I gave her a harsh look and Elaine burst out laughing and walked away. That was just like Laine. To laugh at something that wasn't funny. Something that was far more serious than I had any idea of.
"Okay.. so I'm gonna check the fridge if the Mango float's good to eat. Be back"
When I turned back to Travis he was leaning against a wooden counter that was connected to the wall. His arms were folded and his eyes were intently watching me. He was studying me. It was as if he was having his own getting to know me again without having a conversation. He was good at reading body language.
Even better at hiding his own.
He was too much of an eye candy and even though I stood almost in front of him with his face twisted into an attitude, I still had to stop myself from walking over and stealing a kiss... like we used to
He could probably tell just by my eyes not meeting his most of the time that I was uncomfortable. My mind and body wanted to leave but my heart wanted to stay with him. I wanted to talk out our problems, work out our differences. Fix everything and anything that caused conflict between us which was a lot
"Are you not gonna talk to me?" I asked softly. "Or are you still mad about that whole sit—"
"Don't be stupid." My surprised look on my face must've said that he was most likely being an ass right at the moment. We were friends; he shouldn't have snapped no matter how he felt. So I tried again.
It seemed to me that the situation had spiraled far, far out of control. Maybe it had already been out of hand long before I know
"Look, I'm sorry. Last thing I'll say: I'd try again."
"I'm over that. We don't need to bring it up again!" Travis raised voice was like a snap of electricity in the air. He looked away. I saw the frown appear on his face and wondered if I'd said something wrong.
He was also a bit more attractive ever up close: his skin, while almost tan, was also unblemished, save for what looked like a perpetual five o' clock shadow.
He had murderously high cheekbones and a strong jaw, the kind that could be described as heroic if it weren't cloaked in stubble. I thought I saw a faint scar, raised with an unusual texture to it at the corner of his mouth, but the stubble obscured it.
Instead, he appeared to be busy trying to light a cigarette, hand cupped to shield the match from the wind, tossing the matchstick away carelessly once done. He looked at me one more time and smirked, as if I was his own private joke
"Since when have you been smoking?" I asked
He gave me a shrug "Awhile"Before he puffed the smoke out of his mouth, he looked at me "What? People change, Monique" He breathe in another of that cancerous stick and blew off the smoke right in front of my face
All through our time together in grade school and high school together, He had never been fly-by-night, nor was he one to fvck and run. Then again, it had only been me, and perhaps the five years apart had changed that about him. I wonder what other kinds of things are different about him, I thought.
He was always been so sharp and bright, and like what you see after a firework has gone off when you close your eyes, he remained imprinted on the backs of my eyelids what felt like forever. Travis was the only man I had ever loved, and still was. However, it seemed to me that Travis was not still that same man.
There was destined to be a tense first moment, but I knew it would get past that-- I hoped. I knew he'd be upset initially but I liked to think my presence would help to dissolve the anger.
"Are you happy now?"
He regarded me for a second before he blew off another smoke "That's not your business."
"You're not, right? You don't even know what you're doing." I grabbed the cigarette from his mouth, threw it over the floor and crushed it with my own feet
Travis glared at me "Don't psychoanalyze me, Monique. You don't know me." With those words Travis advanced on me crowding me up to the wall.
I stood on the toes between him and the wall and stared up at him as he looked past my eyes and into my soul.
"Yeah that's the saddest part, Trav. You became the person I knew."
Travis didn't reply. He looked at me then down at his feet. He seemed focused on other things. Like "You look sort of stressed out. I know there's something bugging you. I knew you, Trav."
He scrunched his eyebrows and looked up at me. "That is the dumbest thing anyone has ever asked me. If I did have a problem, why on God's green earth would I discuss it with you?"
I shrugged. I had been expecting that reaction but something sharp stabbed inside me and I felt tears well up for a moment "Things are really different between us aren't they?" I asked.
A wry smile appeared on his face "You know the answer to that," Travis murmured. I froze with my mouth still open. His body was inches away from me with the movement, and I could feel his warmth. Feeling like I was falling, I leaned back against the wall, anything to get away from this incredible tension in me, but he stayed as close as before.
I sighed then started over. "Okay, Trav. I know you don't want to be friends. I know you hate me. I guess I can see why. You have to hear me out and understand."
"Understand what?" He asked. He took a few steps back and leaned against the back wall, folding his arms. I looked up at him and saw his gaze already piercing mine. He was waiting for something good, and I had nothing prepared. I should have been more prepared for this.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being selfish"
"God damn right you're selfish! You went after your dreams and then neglect everyone else because of that?" I opened my mouth to speak but he continued. "My mother died, Monique. She died and what did I get in response over my email?"
"Trav" The tears that had been pressing heavily against my eyes finally broke free from their chamber behind my eyes. The tears were heavy as they poured out to my cheeks
"Oh yeah, that's right. You kicked me to the curb. Not even the curb. You kicked me to the goddamn street. And it took you years to figure out how you felt? You're pathetic. You really are, and everyday when I wake up in the morning I wonder what I was thinking, if I was thinking at all." He looked at me. His eyes were hard and passionate and I felt my heart stir in my chest.
This was the full extent of his pain.
This was how he felt.
I had hurt him, made him feel like this and I couldn't help but feel guilty.
"As always, I had to learn the hard way. I know it hurt you, and it also hurt me. All I can do is promise I'll stand by you, no matter what. For the rest of my life, if that's what it takes" I said quietly, looking down at my hands tears filling my eyes"That's why I'm asking for something. An 'I accept your apology' maybe? A 'maybe we can work it out'?"
Travis listened intently, but his face was hard to read. For a moment, he made eye contact with me, but just as quickly he broke it off.
Travis walked swiftly so I was now face to face with him. His arms were no longer across his chest; instead one was limp at his side and the other as messing his hair. A tell tale sign of his distress. "I don't want to be your friend, Monique. I don't want to be your friend, your neighbor, your boyfriend, your secret lover. We aren't even acquaintances." He shrugged, his hand falling loudly to his thigh. "I don't know what you were expecting from this conversation."
I looked at him for a long while before sighing and taking his wrist. He had let it go and the feeling was choking me. I looked up at him, the tears and sobs now flowing freely, like a river from an evil, emotional, childish place inside me. "I want us back.. You and me"My heart banged almost painfully against my chest and I was crying. Deep breaths did nothing to assuage my anxiety.
He was a little bit dumbfounded but was quickly concealed with a frown "Tell me a very good reason why I should take you back" he muttered, like that was the point I was trying to make.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I love you" I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath the entire time and exhaled quickly. Travis seemed really mad, but it was my fault; It felt like I had wondered off again and before I knew it I was stranded in the middle of the looming feeling of defeat.
Travis laughed, shaking his head in disbelief, "You know, Nikki, that was a good one. You really had me there for a second."
"Travis, I'm being serious. Look--"
"No," he told me, spinning back in my direction before I had the chance to follow him out.
"It's not enough. You gotta face the fact that we're over, we're done because I did and I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. " A tear rolled down my cheek, followed quickly by another. I reached up a hand to wipe them away and sniffled. I thought it was the full extent of his pain but I was wrong, he continued to lash me out with his words
"You're going to regret the fact that I was there, ready to give you all my love, but you turned around. You're going to regret every single unanswered call. You're going to regret every time you didn't show up."
"Why do you hate me so much? This is not you, Trav" I half-said, half-sobbed the words. "You'll probably talk about how stupid I was or how selfish I was, how ungrateful I was, but never once did you try to put yourself in my shoes". My heart was breaking; I knew begging wouldn't do me any good, but he meant everything to me.
"Hate is an understatement. I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. Whether it's anger, hate, resentment, I'm not at all certain," he told me walking away from me.
He was upset. Very upset. I could understand, but what exactly did he expect from me?
"Hurting you wasn't my intention at all," I told him, grabbing onto his arm to stop his pacing.
But it broke my heart more when he let out a bitter laughter upon hearing me--as if he found it really amusing by hearing those words from me
"The only reason I hate you now is because I loved you then" He gave out a loud grunt messing his hair once again
"Travis, where are you going?" I asked though I was following him. "Travis, please, just hear me out."
He snatched his keys off, "I don't have anything to say to you right now," he told me in a cold voice. "If I even look at you right now, I'm not sure what I'll do so don't look me up."
"Woah woah Trav!" Teddy came out from the bathroom and looked around.
"Whatta—Travis!" It was Elaine who had her hands over her mouth. She was stoked with the mess around her own pastry shoppe
"Man, Trav!" Dennis said
Travis shot a nervous glance at our friends and slowly began walking towards the door. "Wait, don't leave, Cous" Elaine pleaded.
"I'm out" Travis uttered much to himself
Taking a strong breath, He got the beer he drank awhile ago at the table and threw it on the nearby wall—deliberately crushing it into pieces as it collided with the hard wall. He turned to look at me one last time before he opened the door and took a brave step outside without looking back.