December 2000 :
Troy –
I wasn't feeling my best, but with Marliss, Brandy, and my sister by my side, checking on me every so often, it made it a lot easier for me to stay focused. They made it a point to keep me engaged and alert, to save me from looking as if I were high or drunk. Even with it well known that I was on a series of medications, Tabloids loved to scream 'prescription addict' and so many other things if you even looked spaced out at events where attentiveness was key.
We all stepped on to the red carpet, looking and smiling in the varying directions that we heard our names from photographers we loved and others we'd grown to hate over the years. "Troy, Tariq, this way!" He and I both looked to my right and gave big smiles. Every so often, when I would feel myself about to fall back, he'd gently place his arm around my waist and hold on to me, pushing forward slightly so no one else would see me stumble back. It worked, but more than anything I was ready to sit down and rest.
The upside was that my face wasn't swollen, my back didn't hurt, and my skin wasn't oversensitive to being touched, the different types of lights and other sensations. The downside, my legs were constantly feeling like they were going to give out at any given moment. And, of course, it only began to happen just as we'd pulled up to where they were hosting this year's Billboard Music Awards.
Placing my hand at my hip, to give a slightly different pose, I smiled. Marliss leaned towards me, whispering as he spoke. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to the hotel? We've already talked about your sister accepting on your behalf if you win anything, and you know everyone would understand."
I nodded, continuing to smile as I answered him. "I promise, I'm okay. Once I sit down, and stay seated like we agreed on, I will be fine. If I start to feel worse or it becomes too much, I will let you drag me out of here."
"Willingly?"
"Yes, Baby."
He gave me a kiss on the cheek, causing me to laugh and shake my head as the photographers went crazy, calling our names while asking us to display a little more affection. Typically, that wasn't our thing. Not publicly, but I didn't mind because his presence and attitude brought a bit of the comfort I'd need to stay calm and at ease.
Eventually we made our way inside and to our seats. Thankfully, we were sitting closer to the stage than we had in previous years we'd attended. Those walks; to present, accept, or otherwise were long and strenuous and I wasn't for it in any form this time around.
Looking down the row to my left, I leaned forward a little and called out to my sister. "She hasn't walked in yet?"
She shook her head, leaning back for a second to show me that Leann's seat was still empty. "And I highly doubt Brandy has gone to find her. Ava's here though. They've got her sitting next to Mr. Santana since she's nominated with him for their duet." I nodded, knowing that was half of the reason.
They'd also gotten wind of a fight between both her and Leann, and rather than take a chance of causing more problems, they opted ahead of time to have us seated in separate sections. Naturally, we assumed that meant Leann would be seated elsewhere too, since she seemed to have a problem with all of us lately, but I didn't mind her being around either. As long as she didn't tap on my nerves.
Excusing herself as she stepped past me and Marliss, Brandy apologized. I looked at her, every bit of confused. "What are you sorry for?"
"I thought I stepped on your foot or mashed your legs or something." I smiled, pointing out that I was turned to the side with my knees touching the side of Marliss' legs. She let out a sigh of relief and took her seat next to Torii. "Child, ever since that day in rehearsal, I've been on edge about making that mistake again."
"It was just that, Brandy, a mistake. We're good. Now what's the real reason you're so nervous and scared of 'stepping on toes'?"
"That obvious?" I nodded. "Aside from what could possibly happen tonight, depending on the results of the show... nothing."
"And just what could happen?"
Before she could speak, Leann made her way down the opposite end of the row and took her seat, dryly apologizing for being late. Brandy stated that she would tell me later and we all looked forward as the lights around us began to dim.
As the night wore on, we sat comfortably, enjoying different performances and the presenters as they made jokes. Some funny, some corny, and some just plain terrible. Then, it came down to the first category I'd been nominated for. As Marliss told me, I was up for three before gaining two more nominations, all as a solo artist. And then, there were the three nominations with Fly Girl.
I still wasn't sure how fair that could have been, but I was no longer going to fight it or feel bad about it either.
Oddly, for the first category, I was up against Ava with her duet. We both lost. And then, the second category I was up against my own group. It was awkward, to say the least, but at least I had a fifty-fifty shot this go 'round.
Everyone in the auditorium sat quietly as the presenters made a few jokes before they went on to name us, the artists, while playing clips of our songs. "And, Hot 100 R&B Single of the Year goes to..." They fumbled a little, giggling before they yelled out. "Troy Mercier, Slow Down, released in April on the Sony label."
I covered my mouth, in genuine shock as thunderous applause surrounded me. Before I could even think of what to do, I felt myself being pulled up, gently by Marliss. I gave both him and Torii hugs before he escorted me up to the stage. On the way, I quickly stopped for hugs from my peers, artists I liked and loved, before finally making it up to the podium. Accepting my award, I tucked one of my loose curls behind my ears and exhaled.
"Um, please forgive me if this takes a bit of time. Some of my motor skills aren't the best tonight." I chose to speak slowly so that I wouldn't stumble over or slur my words. That was one symptom I tried my hardest to control, even in my worst moments. I wanted and needed to be understood at all times. "First, this is totally unexpected because who can expect to win when you're up against the great Toni Braxton." I looked out into the audience and she blew me a kiss. "It's also a small shock because I hadn't planned on putting out Slow Down as anything other than a test for myself, to prove that I could do something different. For those who believed in me enough to push it out there, even without telling me, I want to say thank you so much. God, my family; most importantly my big sister, I can't give enough thanks for the strength they all give me to push forward. Not many know what I go through daily, and in being close to them, it's a lot easier to believe that I have a lot more to give and do with this talent of mine. Lastly; to Ms. Karyn White who allowed me to remake her song, and the amazing Tariq Knight who produced this rendition... it literally would not have come to fruition without them. The amazing fans, all of my peers and idols, thank you and I love you all."
As they all applauded, I took Marliss' hand and followed him backstage, hoping it wouldn't take us long to make it back to our seats.
Another succession of performances and award presentations came before mine, Ava's or the name Fly Girl came up again. To my relief, she won in one of the Latin categories for her duet with Carlos Santana. It was nice to see her in the spotlight, by herself, for something she did and accomplished. I only hoped it would show her that she was more than capable of everything she doubted.
And though we lost Group of the Year to Destiny's Child; Fly Girl as a whole won Adult Top 40 Artist of the Year. It was the first time we'd shared an award stage in years, and though the tension was obvious to those on stage with us, we kept things as cute and polite as possible as we all said our thanks.
Then, I won Hot 100 R&B Songwriter of the year, for something totally unrelated to myself and Fly Girl. Lost Female Artist of the Year to Christina Aguilera. But nothing, I mean nothing prepared me for hearing that I was going to take home New Female-R&B Artist of the Year. That was the moment legit tears fell, and to have everyone wrap their arms around me before I finally stood and made my way back to the stage; it finally put every single fear I had to rest.
I was not certain when Fly Girl would end, nor was I wishing for it to end anytime soon. But I knew now that, when the time came, I was ready. And whatever happened, it would be meant for me. I couldn't be more thankful.
Following the show, and impromptu performance, we all retreated back to the hotel we were staying at. There were many things to celebrate. Fly Girls' win, Ava's, both mine and Marliss' wins, and his birthday.
Though he claimed to hate celebrating, I know he was overjoyed that we'd all gone through so much trouble to make the day special, and put the focus back on him, in spite of us essentially working. "So, how are you feeling, Gramps?"
He did a double take before mugging me. "We'll see if you're calling me Gramps later on tonight." I blew him a kiss and he rolled his eyes, laughing before he thanked me. "I gotta admit, I was against this, but I am very glad to have family and friends like you all. Thank you, Troy, for being the love of my life and making each and every day a special one. Thank you, Torii, for getting Raymond out of my hair." She fell out and Raymond flipped Marliss off. "Thank you, Brandy, for the bomb ass cake. Your food's not half bad when you decide to use sugar and seasoning."
Brandy took a sip of her drink, speaking in a dull tone. "You've reached your white joke quota for the month, and you're more than welcome, Tariq."
"Haha. Thank you Kyrie, for the new set of dominoes so that I can whoop that ass once more."
"In your dreams."
"Nah, in reality. I want that five hundred you owe me, Loser." He cackled, ducking quickly when Kyrie tossed a shoe in his direction. They shared a laugh before Kyrie handed over the money, stating he would never play Tariq 'The Cheater' again. "No, but seriously, thank you all. And, thank God for his many, many blessings in my life, my career, and of course the blessing to see my twenty-second year. I'm happy."
"Aren't you the lucky one."
Looking towards the far right side of the room, towards the door, we saw Leann get up and leave the room. Shaking his head, Marliss insisted that we just continue to have a good time. He'd gotten used to Leann and her outbursts, mostly ignored them. It probably helped that he'd stopped caring for her well over a year ago, but the rest of us... we just tried our best to bring her back to a brighter side. Nothing work.
Clearing her throat, Brandy stood and tossed her plastic cup in the trash. "This is what I was trying to tell you Troy. Everyone's not going to be happy for you, even when they've gotten something for themselves."
"What are you saying, Brandy?"
She looked at Marliss, shaking her head. "Jealousy, it's an ugly and harmful emotion. Her attitude is about to be on a thousand for the next couple of days. Steer clear, because I'm not about to referee anything else. Tired of getting hit by 'accident'."
She walked out and I took a deep breath, stretching my legs out across the bed once they began to tingle and bother me again.
Leann –
Nothing else mattered to me in this moment. Just days before I was supposed to be on cloud nine, but even that couldn't cast a bit of sunshine over what I knew was inevitable, and unfair.
As I sat back, watching police officers search my home as someone from Child Protective Services held my little brother away from me, I fought with every inch of my soul to keep from speaking my mind.
This was one of those times I knew I had to shut up, but it was hard. This wasn't right. I hadn't done anything to have my place ransacked and my brother literally pulled out of my arms.
"You claim that you've been clean..."
"I have."
"Then what's with all the drug paraphernalia we've just found in an upstairs bedroom? Why was it locked?"
I scoffed, wondering if he was being serious right now. "It's locked because it's my room, in my house that I pay for! You found shit that hasn't been used in over a year!" I admitted, I still drink from time to time, however I knew what was at stake when I came out of Heaven's Gate. I'd worked too hard to rebuild the trust between KC and I, and I wasn't stupid enough to lose it again. I'd made and broken too many promises, and my last was the one I intended to keep."
"Sure looks like it's been used recently to me." He smirked, as if he knew a secret that I would only be let in on once I sat inside of a cell.
"Sir, please let my sister go. She's not a bad person."
"Ha, sure she's not. On an award show one night, lighting up and getting high the next. You might hide it from others, Leann, but you won't hide it this time, not from me. Junkies like you, you're all the same, you fall every time. You were told what would happen if you were caught with drugs, paraphernalia, and anything else that violated the contract you signed when you left the rehab center."
"And I've honored that! Come on Ducky, you know I wouldn't jeopardize what I've got going! I haven't been in that damn room since the last time y'all dragged me out of it! I wouldn't do it again!"
He shrugged, acting as if he weren't the same motherfucker that tried desperately to get in my panties each and every time he visited Heaven's Gate. He hated that I was the one patient to turn him down, but he also claimed to respect what I was choosing to do to better my life. He knew me, and he knew that when I finally kicked, that was it for me. I might have my dumb moments, might act out when I'm drunk... but I would never go so far to get my brother taken from me. He was all that I had left. "Blah, blah, blah... same old sob story. Now you don't have to worry, your brother is going to be where he's always been."
"He belongs with me!"
"He deserves a real chance at living a life away from drugs! Remember Leann, that's where you started, trying to take him away from that. Or have five years passed in so much of a blur that you've forgotten that! Listen, I commend you for trying. But you know you're not in the best space for this responsibility anymore. Let's pretend you weren't going in there night after night."
I sobbed, shaking my head. "I'm not."
"It would have only been a matter of time before you went back. He deserves better, and right now that's not you."
"You don't make that choice for him, Ducky!"
"That's Officer Duckworth. And you don't make the choice to show him a quick way to die early in life!"
"Yeah, because showing a little black boy that quota happy policemen can just barge into your home and toss a charge on you is a whole lot better. I know when I'm not shit, I live knowing what all of my mistakes are, but I would never ever put my brother in harm's way. He's my everything, he's all I've got. He's the only person that still loves me.
Ducky shrugged again, giving his fellow officers the okay to let Jay walk in and take KC from the custody of the CPS agent.
My heart ripped in half, and the only thing I wanted in that moment was to die. "This isn't fair!"
"Neither is life, Leann, but you knew what the deal was. In all this time, you could have gotten rid of that stuff."
"I never went back in there!"
"That's not my problem." He turned to Jay. "Lady, get that kid out of here, please."
"No!" I tried to rush past him, but he pushed me back, instructing the other officers to hold me back. On the other side of the living room, others created a barrier that KC couldn't pass as he tried to run and hug me. This was entirely too much. "Please, please don't take my brother from me. I didn't do anything; I wasn't doing anything. Jay, tell them!"
She wiped her eyes. "I tried to Leann, but they believed your neighbor. They listened to her instead of me. I'm sorry."
I felt so defeated, lost, and broken. They waited until Jay and KC were both finally escorted out before letting me go, leading me towards my couch. Ducky kneeled before me, taking my hands in his. He grabbed them again when I jerked away. "I really am sorry, Leann. But when CPS gets involved, I have to do my job. And that's whether I've befriended someone or not. It's not personal, and I would never want to cause you this much pain. I'm just doing my job."
"Fuck you!" I jerked away, sobbing into my hands.
Minutes passed before I heard my front door close. Looking up, and around at my empty living room... nothing felt the same anymore. "I didn't do anything." Lying on my couch, I cried as I felt a wave of anger take over me.