June 2, 4:30 PM
LCS Studio
Today was the beginning of the EU LCS Summer Split and the team will play their first match against G2 soon. It was an hyped match because it was against our old botlane. Even though the scrims were terrible, I believed that we could win or at least tie against them. I was just glad that I wasn't the one playing on stage, because I still wasn't over Jesper. I was lucky enough that I didn't meet him backstage.
After the match
The games went terrible and the team ended up losing their first match. G2 dominated the first game and managed to win the second, even though we had a better early game in this game. After seeing the nexus fall, Enrique and I immediately made our way on stage. Actually I've never did this before, because I've felt not important enough. I knew how much people hate me, because I live with them, even though I wasn't even a real sub, and just got the sub spot, because it stood in the rules that LCS teams needed one. It was clear that I'll get more hate when the internet knows that I even was backstage every time. But this time I didn't care.
The handshakes were very awkward. Maurice gave Alfonso a cold glance while Maurice and Jesper didn't even looked at each other. I could feel how mad Maurice was at them and his loss.
Enrique and me waited till the handshakes ended and went to the team. They were mad and disappointed in themselves and it'll surely take a while getting over it. Enrique hugged Tristan shortly and I did the same with Glenn. Then I went to Maurice and gave him a pat on his back.
"Sorry man." I told him and sighed.
"Nah, passt schon. Bin bloß sauer auf mich, weil ich so viele Fehler gemacht habe." [Nah, it's alright. I'm just angry at myself for making so many mistakes."] He tried a smile, but his face was full of dissatisfaction.
I just kept quiet, because I didn't know how I could encourage him and the others. It was one of many moments where I felt useless as a team mate or even a friend. What am I even doing here, when I can't even encourage my own friends?
9:00 PM
Origen Gaming House
After our loss against G2, nobody was in the mood to watch the other games in the studio. Since the team had to prepare the rest of the day for their match against Unicorns of Love, I spent my time playing SoloQ while them watching EU LCS together. Thanks to Glenn I had lots of fun playing ADC which lead to me spamming it in SoloQ. I still was a bit shaky in this role, but I didn't rely hardly on my support anymore.
Suddenly I saw Enrique watching me.
He just gave me a smile and asked jokingly, "Do you switch roles now because you're tired of carrying your AD?"
"It's Hybrid's fault! Just because he sucks in any other role which is not support." I defended myself and laughed. "For real though, playing AD is hella fun. It kinda reminds of me the time, when I began playing ranked. I was an Ezreal one trick pony at that time."
Then Enrique's facial expression changed and he looked serious again. "How are you doing? Does the departure of the botlane affect you much?" He lowered his voice. "I mean, you and..."
"Yeah yeah, it's alright." I interrupted him quickly. My laugh went away as fast as it came. Then I lowered my voice a bit as well. "Alfonso and Jesper can do whatever they want, I don't care about them anymore. And that thing with Jesper... in the bathroom - it was an accident. Sorry that you had to discover it." I explained to him and ignored my inner voice, saying "liar".
Enrique's eyes scrutinized me, and I avoided eye sight with him.
Of course he knows that something was wrong with my story, even though he doesn't know what. But I would rather die than admitting I had true feelings for Jesper and actually had a secret 'relationship' with him.
I remained silent and after a while he gave up and wanted to go. "Well then, I have to go now. We're continuing practicing." He gave me a last scrutinizing look and then he went away.
After he was out of ear range, I smashed my keyboard out of anger. Why does everything and everyone has to remind me of Jesper, when I try to forget him?!
June 3
It was just depressing. We lost 0-2 against Unicorns of Love, which was definitely shameful for us. The first week of the Summer Split couldn't have been worse for us, because the team lost every game which we could lose. Meanwhile the atmosphere was just getting worse and it felt so horrible that I just couldn't do something against it. The fact that G2 went 4-0 doesn't make it any better. Still, it was only the first week, and I had the faith that we improve during the split.
My appearance on stage made social media wonder a lot about me and apparently I caught myself reading a reddit thread about me. In the past people speculated already a lot about me, because I appeared in a few episodes of Chasing Glory, a video series by Origen. Besides the typical hate comments I already read under the videos, I couldn't find anything new. But reddit wouldn't be reddit without their reddit detectives. It didn't took long and I found a detailed comment about me. They wrote about me being a high elo player who was also a sub for a few teams in the Challenger Series and now sub on Origen. Reading things like replacing someone on the roster or being someone's sister were just hilarious to read.
3:00 AM
It was quiet and dark. Everyone was sleeping and I had one of those sleepless nights again. My sleep schedule was heavily messed up due to me playing league till early in the morning every day. Another reason was definitely my chat with Enrique two days before. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually do care about Alfonso and Jesper, especially about the Dane. Why was everything so god damn complicated? If my parents knew that these were reasons why I can't sleep, they would kill me and tell me how unhealthy my lifestyle was. Now I lied in my bed since forever and tried to sleep.
Eventually I gave up and went to the kitchen. Nobody was awake, like I expected. But it wasn't rare, when someone streams till 6 AM though.
After drinking a cup of milk with honey, I made my way to the balcony. Even though it was almost summer, it was cold as hell. But I couldn't care less and I randomly started to sing I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz.
I have sung, before I could even speak properly. It's more than a simple hobby for me, I sing, because it's passion just like league. In my school I even got sing lessons and sang in the choir. Now I sometimes give sing lessons to smaller kids, because I don't wanna bother my parents with money.
Suddenly I felt watched and stopped. And I was right, Glenn stood next to the balcony door. His brown hair was messed up and he looked sleepy.
"Oh hey, still awake too?" I asked and my face turned a bit red. Gosh this is so embarrassing. Even though we know us a bit better, consider him as a friend and I really like him as friend and player, I wish this didn't happen. He'll probably think I'm a weirdo, because I go on a balcony in the morning and sing.
"Well, yes." Glenn responded and smiled. "I just can't sleep and wanted to drink a milk with honey. But it seems like someone had the same idea." He pointed on my glass. "Then I heard a noise from the balcony and saw you."
"Hahaha, normally a milk with honey helps me a lot." I rubbed my head nervously. It was still so embarrassing for me to get caught by someone while I had my random sing moments. "Sorry for bothering you with my singing. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with me."
But Glenn shook his head and joined me on the balcony. "Actually I should be the one apologizing. I didn't mean to interrupt you. And your voice is so beautiful, just like from an angel."
His compliment made me even more embarrassed and I tried my damnest to hide it. "Well, it doesn't change the fact that you probably think I'm a weirdo for singing on a balcony at 3' o clock. And your statement is truly a counter logic (hahahaha), since my gamertag is EvilDream."
"Ah I see, still this girl with that sharp tongue." He joked. "I don't think you're a weirdo, I just don't understand how you can stand here without a jacket. It's cold as fuck and I still feel it with a long sleeve shirt. Aren't you getting ill?"
"I was born and raised in Berlin." I answered. "These temperatures are pretty normal for an almost summer day in the morning and let's say I don't do this for the first time." I laughed shortly.
"Is that the reason why you're a trainings partner for Origen? Don't understand me wrong, you're a talented player, but you must get many offers from other teams. Why are you staying here as a substitute who probably never play?" He asked curiously.
I couldn't help, but laughing about his question bitterly. Of course he began to give me a confused look.
"For the moment I don't know it either." I began to respond. "But yeah, one of the reasons was my residence in Berlin." First I hesitated to go on speaking, but decided to continue. "Shortly before the Summer Split began last year, I randomly met... Zven, at that time known as Niels, in SoloQ." My voice cracked while saying his name. God damn why does his name fall every day at least once?!
"We played a bit together and after we got to know us better, he invited me to their Gaming House. I played a lot with the team and after I finished school, I moved to their Gaming House, because they wanted to keep me as a trainings partner and I enjoyed playing with them as well. Even in my school time I played with them every day. I still finished school, but I didn't know what to do after it. Now I'm teaching kids singing. Sometimes I wonder why I don't join a team. But maybe I just can't leave Origen, because I'm so close with them. It's hard to let things go."
It's funny how this statement is a lie and the truth at the same time. Even though I really adore my friends on Origen, I only stayed because of one person.
"I kinda understand you." I heard Glenn whispering. I almost didn't hear it and needed to listen carefully.
"I was a bit sad when I had to leave G2. There are many nice people I don't wanna forget. Especially winning Spring Split with them is a memory I never wanna forget. I'm not even angry at them for replacing Emperor and me, they wanna win worlds and changed their roster, because they had the opportunity to get better players."
I remained silent. Even though he would deny it, he really felt bad and sad. His eyes were full of sadness, so I carefully touched his arm and smiled.
"For me you're a better support than mithy." I tried to encourage him. "Yesterday you might have lost against them, but this was only because you hadn't the synergy with Forgiven yet. You can definitely do it."
Now his smile returned. "I always appreciate a compliment from a three week ADC. Especially, when he needs a top tier support." He joked around and laughed.
I froze for a minute, but then cheered happily. "You're finally begin to counter my shots! Even though you'll regret it." I said out loud which made him even more laugh.
After we calmed down, we got a bit serious again. Then we decided to try to sleep a bit and left the balcony. Before we went to our rooms, Glenn gave me a last, thankful glance. "But seriously, thank you for your words. It's the first time I was really happy since leaving G2." He said.
"The same goes to me. Sometimes a good talk is all what you need." I answered and waved before closing the door.
Him waving back made me kinda feeling happy.