There are things I want in this life that I need to survive. I have lived so long without them, I feel as though my soul is shriveling up. How long can one person live on maybes, possiblys and somedays? How long before the thing that made them beautiful and happy just dies?
My eyes drifted shut as I remember that one conversation I had with him before I left. It was one painful afternoon and up until today, It still sting.
I sighed. "I don't know what to say, Travis." My mind cant comprehend this. Something, somewhere has gone terribly wrong.
"So, you want to go?" Helpless. Hopeless. I am completely out of control. I can barely form a coherent thought, let alone be in control of anything.
"I just don't know. You know It's my dream, Trav. I wanted to make my Mom proud of me for once" I looked up into his eyes and found that there is no light. No glow. Just pain. Heart wrenching, never ending, world-shattering pain.
" So.... that's it? I don't even know what this means. I'm going home, Monique."
I fought back the tears welling up in my eyes. 'Oh god, what do want of me? You gave me a heart to love with. You gave me Travis to love. But you first gave me a mind and a drive to succeed in whatever I set my mind to.'
I looked at the 18-year-old Travis that time. His eyes were tired. I could see the sadness behind them and it made me sick, knowing I caused him to be this way
"Please. Just talk to me." I said as I pulled him back to me
"I don't know what to say."
"Tell me that you love me."
Travis sighed. "You know that I do love you, Flower. But it's just going to make things worse if we keep saying that and then you decide to leave"
"Look at me" I said and Travis stared at me for several seconds. The look in his eyes told me everything. I knew what was coming.
It has been Five years since that day and I stil wanted to tell him what I felt. I wanted for him to know just what he did to me. I didn't know how else to say it. I couldn't just blurt it out. It's not like I am way too shy and awkward to do that, it's just that I feel like I'm no longer in place to do so.
I shook off my doubt as easily as the fear that no longer imprisoned myself, now that I had traveled across an ocean filled with now success and fame that I always wanted, I began to ask my self. Was I happy? Was I contented? If his love proved to be real, in the flesh, becoming an expatriate would be a revolution worth fighting, even if I was my only adversary.
I know the next time I see him I am going to be flushed, red faced, and probably stutter and stammer. However, I will try and remain composed. I will try and remain calm and collected.
I was happy and puzzled at the same time. I don't know which is more painful doing something and wishing you didn't or doing nothing and wishing you had
The letter that I was carrying with me like a trained pooch was starting to taste bitter, His letter was stamped at a post office on Philippines, Then, my thunderbolts of laughter quieted down and tears began falling wherever the phrase "Je t'aime" rose up from the letter's matte paper in three-dimensional sentimentality.
Now, as I held the letter from him tautly and felt heat rising up into my hands, his sprinkling of emotions came down hard on me fragile states of mind like an unexpected summer shower. I sought shelter from the tear-blotted words and paper, flipping over the letter with damp, trembling fingers a safe distance from my quaking heart.
Dear Flower
You don't have to say sorry for, I do know you cared for me despite it all. And that makes the heartache subdue. For a while, because it is so much easier to hate the person that breaks your heart rather than to understand them, I told myself you didn't. I want you to know I see where you are coming from. I always knew I was not even your priority. You have big dreams to carry on and a big picture to fill in that I was not a part of. And that my faith in a future couldn't carry both of us. What we had tho, it was beautiful but maybe we were too young back then. I think we were carried away too much when we're younger, and maybe it was naivety. I also want you to know that with every fiber in my being I wanted it to work. Because you are incredible. And you made me feel incredible. But I need to learn to feel incredible on my own now.
Lastly, I want you to know that I had doubts and uncertainties as well. I see now that you just couldn't shake yours. And it takes two to tango, but just because the song was cut short doesn't mean we didn't share a beautiful dance.
"There are no safe investments, but we invest anyway. Because heartbreak is transient, but regret is eternal."
I have no regrets when it comes to you.
I'm having trouble ending this letter. I think because I know it's the last thing I'll say to you. I do not want to go through life knowing I never told you how I felt- so my wasted heart will love you, until new cells form and your imprint is slowly lifted from my heart and only remains in memories.
"Je t'aime. Goodbye Monique. I hope you enjoyed the dance as much as I did.
On the front of the letter, illuminated horses with faces frozen in ecstasy seemed to gallop out from the old photo's minimalist nightscape and whiny their chorus into my ears. It was an old high school picture of us together. A candid shot while we were holding our hands together on a carousel
As a young girl, I had always searched for the merry-go-rounds when I see amusement parks. Seated on the wooden horses, I would always fantasize that I was traveling somewhere -- anywhere -- to a distant place to fulfill my dreams, to a safe place within a mind budding with enchantment, where every day was a carnival waiting to be tasted and savored, like wisps of cotton candy clinging to the sides of a spinning steel pan moments before crystallizing on warm, wet lips and melting on the tongue.
I still loved carousels, and bringing the edge of the picture up to my lips for a kiss, I allowed thoughts of reconnecting with my first love, first boyfriend, to trot through my mind as I close my eyes. My mind drifted me back to an old figment – a memory that I always cherish
He drifted from the center of the couch, excited to receive his gift. He looked like a kid at Christmas, anticipating the gift I'd give him. I went the drawer where I'd hid my gift and pulled it out.
He couldn't believe it was within his reach the whole time! We laughed as he shook the small, think package, wondering what it was. Yeah, it looked like a book, and I know he's not much of a reader, so I was worried as he gently tore at the paper. He took his time though.
I wondered if it was because he felt like he would be disappointed because it looked and felt like a book, or if he was adding suspense to his moment. Either way, when he finally opened the card, I saw him read the words as the tears welled up in his eyes.
He hesitated at first to see the small envelope inside. It made me happy that he dwelt on my words before opening the other part of his gift. Once he revealed the gift, the expression on his face let me know that he instantly loved it.
It made me see that he saw more of a future of times together before. He became more hopeful, more eager to revolve his world around me but I never see it that way. I only see the times we spent together always hang in the balance and was never certain.
He would make is so no matter what. That's why I love him. He brought me hope and always gave me something to look forward to in our relationship but I never see it the way he did.
When I was still a little girl, I always knew what I wanted. To fulfill my dreams as a Ballerina, to see the beautiful world and conquer it—it was all I want and It pains me to know that I took for granted the only thing that could fulfill my being. I lost him while I was counting the stars. I lost him to my ambition. I lost him forever
"Ma'am?" I heard as I felt a tap on my shoulder, I looked up and realized it was the flight steward. I looked around and I saw no one, I was now alone sitting on the empty plane.
I turned my attention back to the steward who later on uttered "Welcome back to Philippines,Maam" She said and It made me feel nostalgic. I missed the Filipino accent after all.
"Je t'aime. Goodbye Monique. I hope you enjoyed the dance as much as I did." I recalled the last words picturing him how he it escaped from his lips. As my lips quivered, I felt my tears rolling down one by one until it poured
We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It's how we learn. We breathe love. It's how we learn. And it is inevitable.
And right now, I'm going to make it up for the lost I had. Soon, very soon, I would be with Travis. I felt the tingle of anticipation through my whole body.
Soon
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(A/N: Be updated with the next chapter by clicking the external link and liking my page.
♥TTB)