Not long after the nurses left, Tara came back. I saw her approach me but I couldn't tear my gaze from McKayla.
"I spoke with McKayla's doctor. He said she'll be okay." She said softly.
I felt her move closer to me. I could feel her shoulder brush against mine. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her looking at McKayla. A tear rolled down her cheek. I faced her.
"This is all my fault." She whispered.
"Tara, no-" She cut me off.
"I never should've told you. If I would've just gone through with it, none of this would be happening to you." She said as more tears fell from her eyes.
I sighed and pulled her in my arms.
"Tara, I didn't even tell her yet." I whispered.
Tara pulled back sharply and searched my eyes for something. I turned away from her and pressed my hand to the window in front of McKayla's room.
"I was going to talk to her when I found her in the bathroom." I said, shaking my head.
She gently placed her hand on my forearm and gave it a squeeze. We were both quiet for a long time, the two of us just looking at McKayla.
"The rest of the Club is in the waiting room. You should be with them." She said finally.
Tara slid her hand from my arm down to my hand. She ran her thumb across my knuckles before pulling away completely and disappearing down the hallway.
I knew I should go and fill the guys in, but I couldn't tear myself away from that window. The sound of heavy boots behind me was enough to finally make me turn around. Clay was standing there with his arms outstretched to me.
"Son," He said in a low voice.
In that moment, any anger I had towards him was gone and suddenly I was a child again. I took one step towards him and he pulled me in. Clay wasn't always a bad guy and right now he was being the father that I needed. I felt myself clutching his cut with everything I had in me. Tears were falling uncontrollably now and my body was racked with the sobs that I had been holding in. Clay didn't say a word. His arms were probably the only thing keeping me standing upright. After a few more minutes, I let go of him and took some deep breaths.
"Come on son, your brothers are waiting for ya." He said softly.
I nodded and used my t-shirt to wipe the wetness from my face. Clay put his arm around my shoulders and practically dragged me out into the waiting room. When they saw me, all of the guys stood up. Chibs crossed the small waiting room first and cupped my face in both of his hands.
"What the hell happened, Jackie?" He asked. His voice was strained like he was holding back tears himself.
I swallowed hard and Chibs let me go.
"McKayla, she overdosed. I found her in the bathtub barely breathing." I was slightly proud of how strong my voice was.
The room stilled and when I looked around, I saw all of them looking at me.
"Jesus Christ, is she gonna be alright?" Tig asked finally.
I nodded and ran a shaky hand through my hair.
"What did she take?" Clay asked from behind me.
I shook my head.
"I'm not sure. All I found was the bag on the ground. I still don't know when she even got them." I was rambling by this point.
Juice's eyes doubled in size and he sunk down into a chair.
"Shit. Oh shit." He muttered.
I looked at him in confusion and walked over to him.
"What's up, Juice?" I asked him.
He swallowed hard and wouldn't look at me. Something was going on.
"Fuck, Jax she told me you were in pain and you needed something to help you sleep. I swear man, if I would've known what she was gonna do I never would have-"
My heart was pounding so hard in my ears, I couldn't hear him anymore. McKayla asked Juice to score her the pills. This wasn't an accident. She wanted to kill herself.
Juice was shaking so badly, I thought he was going to piss himself.
"Jax, I'm so sorry. I didn't know." He muttered.
I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.
"I know man, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault." I said, after I got control of my voice back.
Tig sat down beside Juice and slung his arm around his shoulder. I turned back to Clay, who was on the phone with Gemma I would guess. Bobby hugged me and said if I needed anything to ask. The only thing I needed right now was to talk to McKayla. I needed to know why she tried to kill herself. What was hurting her so badly that she thought she needed to take her life?
Hours went by and I sent the guys home. As much as I appreciated them being there, I just wanted to be alone. The doctors finally allowed me to go into McKayla's room. When I saw her lying there, hooked up to IVs and the monitors I wanted to die. The corners of her mouth were still blackened from the charcoal that was used to pump her stomach of the pills. My knees gave out and I sank onto the bed beside her. I took her hand and brought it up to my lips and kissed it softly.
"Baby, I'm so sorry." I whispered against her hand.
I would've given anything in the world to trade places with her. That was the difference between her and Tara. I could live without Tara. Sure, it would hurt for a while. But I could do it. McKayla, on the other hand, no. There was no chance in hell that I could go on without her. I wouldn't want to.
"You can't leave me, darlin'. You can't."
Slowly, as if not to wake her, I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. McKayla's eyes fluttered and they slowly opened. I gasped and cupped her cheek in my hand.
"McKayla," I said, just above a whisper.
Her eyes landed on me for a second and she looked around the room.
"Jax, where am I?" She sounded groggy and confused.
I squeezed her hand gently and held back my tears.
"In the hospital, I f-found you in the tub." I choked out.
McKayla's eyes searched mine for a moment before she squeezed them shut.
"Oh my God, I'm sorry." I said in a rush.
I shook my head and brushed some stray hair away from her face.
"It's alright darlin', everything's alright now." I said.
She shook her head and a tear slipped down her cheek. She was struggling to keep her eyes open, but I couldn't let her go just yet. I needed to know.
"Baby, just tell me why." I begged her.
Sleep was pulling her under but she turned her head to look at me.
"I just wanted to make it easy for you." She mumbled before she slipped back into unconsciousness.
My heart skipped a few beats and I gripped the railing on her bed. What could she possibly have been thinking? How would her being dead make anything easier for me? Then it hit me like a speeding truck.
She knew.