Chapter Three – Other Perspectives
Lacey's Pov:
Baily had been here a few days now, and looking at her she reminded me so much of myself when I came here. She's bitter and angry and in denial, but beyond that she's terrified.
She's terrified to admit that she has an addiction; she's terrified to admit that she's scared to go through detox; she's terrified to make amends and beyond all she's terrified to get better.
I understood all of that, admitting that you had an addiction was a hard thing to do, it made you feel so weak and so alone, but she didn't have to feel alone, there were a few people our age here, and I knew how she was feeling most of all.
We had our first real conversation, she told me about her addiction and I told her a little about mine. I was surprised about her getting it in the hospital, which was risky and stupid and showed her desperation, this wasn't going to be easy for her, not one bit.
Later when I came in the room I was pleased to see her journal out.
"I'm glad you're writing. It really helps. And then you can always look back on it and see how far you've come. And the great part is it's for you. You can be honest and repeat things and you don't have to make sense. It's just for you and you can write what you want without judgment."
"I know, it's nice. You know you don't have to stay in here with me."
"You're my roommate and I'm here to help you through this. Do you need anything?"
"I don't know. I just want it to go away." Her eyes looked so lost and childlike.
"You're sweating, try a bath or shower. It may help calm things down. I'll go get you some water with Lemon and make you some mint tea for when you get out. They help settle your stomach."
"Why are you helping me?" she asked me as she moved to do what I advised her to.
"I told you, you're my roommate and I know how your feeling. It sucks and I didn't have someone to really help me. People tried, but no one understood. Go on, we can talk later" I smiled and gave her a gentle push towards the bathroom.
I went and cut up some lemons and filled a cup with water, there were people watching me as I did that, they were all curious about Bailey.
"Bailey?" I knocked when I made it back to the room.
"You can come in." I opened the door and walked in, she wasn't shy about her being naked and I didn't really care either. Were both girls, and we were going to be spending a lot of time together. Plus it doesn't hurt that she's pretty damn attractive.
"Here, it should help. And I know I get thirsty when I take a hot bath. If you need anything I'll just be in the room writing, so yell for me."
I went back and decided to write in my journal and get the negative feelings out. I may smile a lot but we all had our troubles, I haven't been in here that long, a couple months and while I made the choice to go to rehab, it didn't make it any easier.
I made her some tea as soon as she got out and she drank it and curled up in bed. I heard her tossing and turning and whimpering in her sleep. The dreams can be one of the worst parts. Your subconscious plays horrible tricks on you.
I woke up and saw Bailey laying on the floor, she was stirring around before bolting up and heaving into the bowl and rushed to her side. She was shirtless and sweating and she looked half asleep and in pain.
I was rubbing her back, the vomit didn't bother me, I don't know if there was anyone in here it bothered after they went through their own detoxification. I stayed with her until I has to go to therapy and I was more than happy to stay with her, I'm sure they would understand.
But no matter how much I insisted I stayed, she made me go, she told me she would feel guilty if I stayed and I didn't want her feeling worse.
My whole group session I spent worrying about her, she told me she's been there since six this morning and it really worried me.
I knew that I barely knew her, but she reminded me so much of myself I felt an instant connection to her and to her addiction as well. I never had anyone to help me through it. I was on my own. My family didn't want anything to do with me while I went through it and I failed the first time. I couldn't do it on my own.
My family sent me here after I relapsed and then I was on my own here too, I always wanted someone who was experienced in it to help me through it, tell me what would make me feel even a fraction better, that would know what to do to help with headaches.
"Bailey" I came in and bit my lip, was she conscious?
"Too loud" she mumbled at me and I grimaced, that must be a hell of a headache.
"Sorry" I whispered and sat down beside her and rubbed her back some more. She sighed and I hoped that I was helping at least a little bit.
I was sitting there for about ten minutes before she moved up and heaved again, they sounded horrible painful and she was heaving so hard she couldn't breathe. She was panting trying to take gasps of breaths and I was trying so hard not to freak out right now.
"Come on sweetie, breathe. You need to breathe." I said "inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale" I repeated until she started to calm down and was back to normal, well as normal as she could be right now.
"What time is it?" she asked as she coughed lightly
"Almost three" I told her
"Go to your session." She immediately told me like a mother
"No, you're not doing well; I'm going to stay here." There was no way I could leave her this time, she was beyond what I've ever seen. The shakes were worse than anyone I've seen detox, she was pale, weak, her voice as so small, and I'm sure she was in massive amounts of pain.
"Lacey" she sighed, "Please just go. It will make me feel better if you went to your session."
"I'll be back in an hour." I told her reluctantly and rushed off to the front desk, they needed to know how she was doing. They already asked a couple times, but they need to help her.
"Hello Lacey" Kylie smiled, just the woman I was looking for. "Aren't you late for your session?" she asked carefully, she may seem sweet, and she is, but she'll blow if you skip sessions.
"Yeah, I was with Bailey, she's right in the worst part of her detox" she nodded in understanding. I knew I wouldn't be in trouble.
"How is she doing?" she asked
"Horrible. Which is why I came here, she needs help or something. I have never seen anyone come down that hard and that bad."
"How bad?"
"She's been throwing up since six this morning, and has heaving horrible, she was barely breathing earlier because it was so bad, and she's passed out once already. I'm really worried about her."
"Okay, how about you go to your session and I'll get a doctor to go check on her, okay?"
"Check now?"
"One won't be in until three thirty, four. I promise Bailey will be their first stop."
"Fine" I groaned, I knew there was nothing I could do at this point. They were strict when they said that detoxing was something we did the hard way, and it sucked.
I went to my session and was distracted and ended up talking mostly about Bailey and how she was doing and he asked how it made me feel to watch her and blah blah blah, but my mind was elsewhere at the moment.
Julian's Pov:
I didn't like her. I've been in here for four months and no one ever bothered me, people at first tried to approach me and talk to me and get an autograph and try to be my best fucking friend, but they stopped that about a month after I came in.
But this girl, she didn't try any of that, she ignored me, which I didn't mind. But what pissed me off was that she invaded my space. There was a reason I sat off to the side and she should move spaces. I glared at her and was surprised when she just looked back and didn't move. I gave up and sat down.
I could feel the stars on me, they were expecting me to freak out, start a fight, throw things, get violent, and flip a table. I don't know. Everyone was always on edge around me, not that I exactly blamed them for that. I was no happy when I was sent in here, I'm still not. But I was hostile, especially when detoxing.
I was glad when I went for dinner and she wasn't there and I could eat in peace, but that was short lived when she flopped down at the table. I glared at her but she didn't even look up, not once. She pretended I wasn't there.
She was pissing me off more and more every minute she sat there eating peacefully so I reached over and yanked those ear buds out of her ear so she could be as annoyed as I was right now.
I gave her a blank look when she looked up at me, and the hostility in her eyes amused me greatly. There wasn't a damn things she could do about this.
She held out her hand and I smirked at her, no way in hell she was getting these back.
"You have about ten seconds to give them back before I jump over this table and take them back myself" I couldn't help but laugh more amused. She was pretty much a midget and weighed probably a hundred pounds soaking wet.
She moved her hand up and down, silently telling me to give them to her and I just looked at her.
There wasn't a damn thing she was going to do, she was all talk. I barely registered her moving her tray and then she was in the air. She launched herself at me and I fell backwards and she landed on top of me.
I was distracted by her body against mine and she took her ear buds back and got up
"Don't fuck with me" she and her tone alone could have killed me right then and there before she grabbed her tray and left.
The room was dead silent right now.
Everyone was probably wondering what happened and what I was going to do, but I was still shocked. She attacked me. She actually jumped over the table and tackled me. that was actually kind of awesome, not that I would ever admit it. The girl had guts, I cannot believe she did that. And then I was pissed. Who the hell did she think she was to mess with me like that?
Doesn't she know who I am?
I saw her enter the cafeteria and I followed her back into the dorms, when no one was around I grabbed her arm and pushed her into the wall and pinned her to it.
When she noticed it was me she went from angry to furious in about two seconds, it was adorable. She was just so damn tiny!
"Let go of me asshole" she said calmly, which was odd. She wasn't freeing out right now. Her head only came to my chest and I had to outweigh her by sixty pounds at least. She didn't even look at me, she looked at my chest.
She tried to move out of my grip but I tightened my hold, not enough to hurt her, but enough to keep her there and show her who was in control right now. I would never want to hurt a woman, that wasn't me.
Sure I'd annoy the hell out of her, and do, well this, but I wouldn't hit her or intentionally hurt her; The fact that she didn't know that worked to my advantage.
I'd admit to myself that her body felt nice against mine. I could see her chest raising and falling a bit quicker than normal and I just couldn't get over how little she was. I don't know if I would our whole stay here.
It baffles me how she could have attacked me when everyone else was afraid of me, not just from what I've done but from how tall I was. I was six foot five.
Her foot suddenly slammed on mine and out of instinct I let go and took a step back, what the hell was that? Where her knee made contact with my family jewels I groaned in pain and fell to the ground clutching myself, I'm pretty sure my parents dream of grandkids was now gone. What the fuck is wrong with this girl?
"I told you not to fuck with me" She told me after she grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. I watched her eyes widen and it hit me that she really didn't know who I was before. Not sure how, but she just didn't. I was in so much pain right now, I wasn't about to talk.
"Famous or not, I won't be intimidated or messed with. So leave me the hell alone, you obviously aren't one to hold conversation so it shouldn't be a problem to ignore each other when we eat. Should it Julian?"
I glared at her harder. Who the hell was she to talk to me like that? She was no one! Just a tiny little midget that thinks she's tough.
I grabbed her and pushed her harder against the wall. I was pissed and I was trying to keep in control right now, I know I said I wouldn't hurt a girl but man I wish I could hit her right now.
She held my stare and gave that glare right back. What the hell is up with this girl? She was so fucking frustrating. Why can't she just be like everyone else and run away? Why does she have to be so damn stubborn?
And why couldn't I stay mad at her? I was furious that she would not only harm me but hit me in such a delicate place. But why could I only think about her damn size. It made me so uncomfortable. I could deal better with guys when I was feeling this pissed. Them, I could hit. They were bigger, they had muscles, and they were just ugh. I took a step back and walked away, back to my dorm.
The next day I ran into her again after therapy and instantly knew who it was. I quickly retreated from any contact and left.
My session wasn't the most pleasant and I didn't want to be around people, so I went to the guy and tried to beat the hell out of the punching bag to try to ease my anger, but it didn't work like I wanted it to.
So when she came into lunch and sat down it set me off. I really wasn't as angry about her sitting there, I was just angry in general and she was in the firing line. She didn't look at me or acknowledge me, just left when she was done.
I quickly tossed my food away and headed after her, I knew there were a few empty rooms and I pulled her into one. She was struggling against me and I flicked the lights on.
"What the hell is your problem!" She yelled
"I have no problem" I spoke; it was the first time I talked to anyone other than a counselor. Even in group I don't speak. She stopped and just stared at me for a minute
"Then why don't you leave me alone?" she asked in a normal voice
"Stop sitting at my table" I shrugged and she rolled her eyes in annoyance
"What are you, five? Jesus, it's a table. Get the fuck over it and deal with it!" She was shaking so bad right now and all the anger seemed to dissipate. Even I wasn't heartless enough to try to make someone detoxing worse. I felt guilty that I forgot what she must be going through.
I reached out to grab her arm and as soon as I made contact with her she turned and I felt the impact before I really noticed what she was doing. She slapped me pretty damn hard and my face turned to the side and it felt like tiny needles piercing my skin.
"Stop touching me" her voice shook in uneasiness and I took it like a man. I deserved that one. I went to my room that night and felt pretty bad about how I'd been acting.
She was right, it was just a table and I was acting like a pissed off kid.
The next day she came in to eat, which surprised me. She looked like hell. She almost dropped her tray more than once as she made her way to the table. This time I just studied her. Her hands shook with each bite she took and she barely ate anything before she stopped.
She looked down at the table and pushed her tray away and rested her head on the table. She was shivering as her body was twitching and I figured I would give her some peace. I moved back and grabbed her tray so she wouldn't have to worry about it.
I thought about her more than I would have liked to throughout the day and when I went to therapy I was debating talking about it.
"Hello Julian" Robert asked. I was passed calling him Dr. Caulkins. I was pretty close with him, and he told me to call him Robert.
"Hey Rob"
"How are you doing today?"
"I don't know" I told him
"What happened?"
"What do you mean?"
"Something happened in the last day, what's making you so uneasy?"
"Bailey is."
"I see" I snorted, he looked confused, 'I see' my ass
"I know you don't like us talking about other one's of your patients but I think I really need to talk about this. Well at least I think I do, I don't know." I mumbled feeling stupid.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been angry with her, and I've took out so misplaced anger on her." I confessed feeling pretty crappy about that.
"What did you do?"
"I took her ear buds, to which she tackled me for and told me not to fuck with her. I grabbed her and pinned her to the wall. She stepped on my foot and kneed me where the sun don't shine.I pulled her in a room and only then I realized how childish I was being."
He sighed and I knew he was disappointed that I was taking steps back.
"You know that violence isn't allowed in here." He started "Why did you do it?"
"Because she invaded my space, she sat at that table. She told me yesterday how childish I was being and she was right. I just don't like to give up the little bit of control I do have."
"You do realize how wrong you were?"
"I know, and I actually feel bad about it. She's detoxing right now, and it looks like it's going to be hell."
"How do you feel about watching that?"
"It makes me think of bad memories" I whispered. I wasn't afraid to act vulnerable in here. Coming off of hardcore drugs is ten times worse than you could ever imagine it to be.
"How about trying to talk to her about it, explain, and be nice to her."
"I can try, but I don't think she's going to be up for talking anytime soon"
"Probably not, but you can try."
"I can try. But she just frustrates me so damn much!"
"Why?" he asked
"Because she's not afraid of me, she pushes my buttons, she stands up to me, she makes me feel weak and out of control. I don't know what to make of her. You met her, she's so damn small! Imagine those situations I told you about now; just think about it for a minute!" I threw my hands up
He actually thought about it and I saw a small smile he was trying to hide, and then he chuckled.
"Oh shut up" I mumbled a bit dejected
I thought about what he said about trying to talk to her, and I tried to think of what to say, I had some time to figure it out though. I was headed back to my dorm when I saw Lacey.
I heard her talking about how bad she was doing and Kylie told her to go to therapy. She was really worried about Bailey, and I didn't want her to be alone. She may hate me right now, but she didn't deserve to be alone.
I walked towards her room and opened the door actually a bit afraid of what I would find.
She was hunched over the bowl and her body was shaking violently and her body was doing the slight heaving motions. She looked so fragile in that moment and smaller than I remembered her being.
I heard her sniffle and I debated if I should leave or not, I doubt she wanted me seeing her like this, I know I would have hit anyone who tried to do what I was about to do. When the sobs wracked through her body I knew I couldn't leave her. Lacey wouldn't be back for a while and she was probably scared and feeling so alone right now.
I walked over there as she was hyperventilating as she tried and tried to breathe, I sat down beside her and placed a hand on her back. I rubbed circled on her bare skin, she was sweating but her skin felt clammy.
She relaxed almost instantly and her breathing started to even out. Her arms were crossed over the center and her head was resting against the cool material of the bowl. Her body probably felt like it was on fire right now, which explains her lack of shirt.
She was relaxing and then her body stiffened and she seemed to be holding her breath, like she was scared. And then her body lurched up and she was heaving and coughing and barley anything was coming up. It was about three ten now, and if what Lacey said was correct she's been like this for over nine hours.
Poor thing, even mine wasn't that bad.
She cried out in pain as her body lurched forward again and my heart sped up. I was expecting her to be throwing up her stomach or blood by now. She was gasping for air and not getting it which had me worried even more and I wondered how Lacey felt when she was in here.
"Come on Bailey, just breathe, it will get easier soon. Everything will be okay" I told her calmly as I gripped her neck gently and rubbed the skin there. I bet all the money I have that she has a pretty killer headache.
She looked at me and her eyes widened and she looked afraid, I guess she thought it was Lacey back in here. I hated that she was afraid of me, it made me want to punch myself in the face. I should never have grabbed her like I did.
"I promise I won't hurt you, calm down" I rolled his eyes and the fear went away, but the vulnerability and uncertainty shone through clear as day.
Did she think I would hold this against her? I knew I was a dick but I would never stoop that low.
She closed her eyes against the light and laid her head back down. I reached back and shut the light off to try to make it more comfortable for her.
I kept rubbing my hands over her skin and slowly she relaxed again
She started leaning to the side more and looked off balance. I moved her to the floor and laid her head gently in my lap. I pushed the hair from her face and ran my fingers through the soft strands as she fell asleep.
I looked down at her and was completely in awe and fascinated by her. She made no sense to me.
I picked her up and moved her into her bed and put the blankets over her, I moved away to get a bucket and she whimpered and reached her hand around. I froze and when touched my hand she stopped and relaxed back into bed.
I pulled my hand back and went to grab the bucket I spotted and she started whimpering again in her sleep, I watched her searching around again, I gave her my hand this time and she stopped
"Please don't leave me" she whispered and I sighed. I unbuttoned my shirt and kicked my shoes and socks off. I tried to keep contact with her the whole time but came to an issue when I realized I couldn't sleep in my jeans.
The doctor came in and froze and Kylie came in too
She opened her mouth and I held my finger to my lips. She was finally sleeping and didn't need to be woken.
"Can you go get me some sweatpants?" I asked and she just stared at me. "Please, jesus, I'm not going to hurt her." I said angrily and she went and a David came back with them. The doctor said he would be back later and I stripped out of my jeans and into my sweats and climbed into the other side of her bed, keeping her on the outside in case she woke up and needed the bin.
As soon as I settled she turned and wrapped an arm around me and curled up against me. I froze now sure what to do. I knew she would freak out later, and I just wasn't good at this sort of thing. I eventually relaxed and wrapped an arm around her and closed my eyes too.