Chapter Four
Finding support
“I-I-It’s not what it looks like! It beeped when I came down here to get a glass of water and then I noticed the computer… and then-” I was cut short when he yanked the computer from my hands and turned around walking back towards my brother’s room. I heard the door slam shut, as my eyes started to water. What just happened? I went to lie down on the couch and rolled up into a ball. Was this one of his signs?
“I don’t get it Colin… this doesn’t make any sense…” I stood up wiping the tears off my face as I headed to my room. As I was passing by my brother’s room I heard Noah walking towards the closed door. Panic ran through me as I ran to my room slamming the door shut behind me. I didn’t mean to slam it I was just worried of him seeing me crying.
I silently slid down in front of the door pulling my legs to my chest. I let out a shaky breath as I heard the footsteps outside of my room. I tried to stay as silent as I could. I closed my eyes and let my head rest on my knees.
“Emma.” I heard Noah whisper. I stayed silent but my eyes flew open at the sound of my name.
“Emma, please… I’m sorry alright? I didn’t mean to do that.” I sniffled softly hoping he wouldn’t hear me. It was silent for a little longer before I heard him sigh and walk away. I went over to my bed to grab a blanket and pillow and put it in front of the door. I went over to my closet and grabbed Colin’s shirt and put it on over the shirt I already had on. It smelt just like him, I felt as if he was right next to me. I started to bite my nail on my thumb; I do this when I’m stressed out. I would be happy if I were tired, because when I sleep I dream of him. I was wide awake and at the moment there was no hope for me to go back to bed. It was about four in the morning.
I coughed again, loudly this time. Once I had it under control I heard Noah walking down the hall again.
“I know you’re awake…” I stayed silent. Can he not get the hint that I was angry with him? He practically humiliated me, not even listening to what I had to say. He probably thought I was some pathetic weak girl.
“I’m not going to leave you.” I heard him slide down the door as he sat down on behind me.
“Why didn’t you read that message?” It was a whisper but I knew he heard it. He took a deep breath before he continued.
“Because, I know what it’s going to say…” He sounded mad at himself. I stayed silent and thought for a moment. “We got into a really big fight, we said bad things to each other, and I regret every word I said. The last thing I told him was I hated him.” I heard his voice crack a little bit when he spoke. I was still confused but I didn’t push him into telling me, he would tell me on his own time if he wanted to.
“I was closer to him than your brother was… if he wasn’t with you, I was with him.” I frowned, Colin never told me that. I sniffled and pulled my blankets over me more.
“Noah?” I asked. My throat was scratchy.
“Hmm?” I heard him hum on the other side of the door, he sounded half asleep.
“Can you get me my water? I think I left it on the counter in the kitchen.” I heard him stand up and slowly walk down the hall. I took the moment of silence to wipe my eyes and run my fingers through my hair. I moved my bed from in front of the door to the side so I could open it when he came back. As I was moving the blankets nicely over to the side I heard a soft knock on the door.
I took a deep breath and slowly walked to the door. I put my hand on the cold door knob and slowly opened it. I was looking at the ground as I turned around and left room for him to be able to walk in. He held the glass down out for me to take. I gave him a small smile as I took it from his grasp.
“Thank you.” I murmured as I brought the glass to my lips and drank. He stood there watching me for a moment before turning around. He put his hands in his pockets just like Colin does when he walks away.
“Wait, I don’t want to be alone…” he turned around and looked at me. His face showed no emotion.
“It’s hard seeing you like this, you know?” He went to lie on my bed as he looked at the wall and not looking at me.
“When you were with him everything seemed so easy for you. You smiled a lot, laughed, you were happy…” I moved my blankets in front of the door again and made a small bed.
“He was my best friend, he was all I had.”
“I’m sorry for what you have been through.” He turned around and looked at me, right into me.
“Please don’t…” I said. His face turned confused as he was about to ask what.
“Look at me like that, everyone looks at me like that now and it makes me feel weak.” He understood and just looked at the ceiling.
“It’s okay to be weak, everyone is deep down inside.”
“So do you know what happened to Lindsey?” I asked, trying to change the subject. He shook his head no. I proceeded to lie down in my nice little bed I had made.
“I think it would be a good idea to get some help.” Noah said once it was quiet and I was settled in my bed.
“I know. I’m just not ready yet.” I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to come. I heard Jayden pull back into the driveway a few minutes later. I felt two hands pick me up off the ground and carry me over to my bed. Noah put the covers over me and made sure to lay me on my back.
“Why are you so nice to me, Noah?” I asked, sleep in my throat. He never answered me, and if he did I didn’t hear him. I heard the door click shut as he left me. Colin flashed in my head; he was smiling and winking at me. Was this one of his signs?
I didn’t dream of Colin last night, which made me sad. I smelled something burning when I woke up. I stood up from my bed and walked over to my closet, I had to find something to wear. I took off Colin’s shirt, folded it nicely, and put it under my pillow. I grabbed light jeans and a yellow long sleeved shirt. I opened my door and walked down the hall towards the kitchen.
“What’s that smell?” I asked as I walked towards the island in the middle of the kitchen.
“That would be your brother’s toast.” Noah said, laughing to himself.
“Noah! You burnt my toast?” Jayden shouted as he walked into the kitchen. Noah smiled at him innocently.
“It wasn’t my fault!” He shouted, trying not to laugh.
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch; I’ll make you your toast since Noah can’t seem to figure it out…” I forced a smile at him; he stuck his tongue out at me. Jayden came over and gave me a one armed hug.
“You’re the best Emma…” He said before walking out back into the living room.
“Yea Emma, ‘you’re the best’” Noah said mimicking Jayden in a girly voice. I couldn’t help but laugh at him. He sounded terrible as a girl. A smile grew on his face as he saw me laughing. I walked over to the counter to where we kept the bread. I grabbed two pieces out and stuck them into the toaster. I turned around to see Noah still watching me.
“What?” I asked self conscious. He just shook his head and walked out. The toaster popped the toast up making me jump slightly. I scowled at it. I grabbed the pieces of toast and put them onto a plate. Next I grabbed a knife and spread some butter on them.
“Here” I said putting the plate with toast on the coffee table in front of Jayden.
“Emma, I was looking up some options for you and counseling just sounds really boring, and besides, I think it’s best for you to interact with people who kind of know what you’re going through.” Jayden said, as he paused the video game he and Noah were now playing. He said it all in one rush of words like if he didn’t say it now, he would never get enough courage to say it at all. He looked up at me.
“What option would that be?” I asked. I wasn’t going to go to group therapy if that’s what he was getting at.
“A support group… I found a local one you can go to every Wednesday around three, if you’re interested.” He handed me a paper with the address and a description of what kinds of people go there, they had different age groups. I looked at Noah and he shook his head yes.
“I’ll think about it I guess….” I said turning around. The answer was already no, but I was only saying it for his sake.
“You can go today if you want; I’ll drop you off on my way home to grab some clothes.” Noah informed me. I rolled my eyes, knowing there was no way out of this.
“Yea, I guess…” He smiled at me as I walked away, annoyed. I don’t get what has gotten into him lately; he never used to pay much attention to me. I shrugged it off and went back to my room. I had a few hours until three so I decided to lie on my bed. I grabbed Colin’s shirt from under my pillow and rested my head on top of it. The smell made me fall asleep almost instantly.
“Emma, are you almost ready?” Jayden said barging into my room a couple hours later.
“You just woke me up.” I said, sad. I didn’t dream of Colin again, and I felt disappointed.
“Noah’s ready, just waiting on you.” He said walking out of my room. I grabbed my jacket and put it on. It was raining outside still, it mirrored the way I felt in some sick way. It was like some sick joke. I walked out of the house and ran to his car. He was waiting for me inside with the heat on full blast.
“Are you ready?” He asked, hardly glancing at me as he backed the car out of the drive way.
The car ride was silent; it gave me time to think. I was really nervous to step foot in the support group building, I didn’t want to talk about it yet. I felt obligated to; for my brother.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. I’m sure of it.” Noah said, reassuringly.
“I know I will…” The conversation dropped there as he pulled up to an old looking building. It was a brick building with a few windows. It was an older building, you could tell from the aged color loss of the brick.
“Wish me luck…” I said, opening the car door and slowly stepping out. I tried to find courage but I felt like turning around and running back home.
“You don’t need luck; Colin will be with you…” The last words that left his mouth were a mere whisper. I don’t think he intended for me to hear them so I just left. What he said gave me a tad bit of courage, just enough to take the first few steps. I slowly walked to the building, anxious. The door creaked as I opened it; the building was colder than it was outside. I looked at the time on the wall, I was five minutes late. As I came to the end of a hallway there were two double doors that were open and a bunch of chairs in the middle of room all in a circle.
“Hello, can I help you?” A young lady asked. She was the one in charge, I could tell because of her golden nametag.
“Support group?” I asked. There were only about eight or so people sitting in the chairs. She smiled warmly at me and waved her hand towards her.
“Take a seat, and tell us your name.” I did as she instructed, picking the seat next to a man who seemed to be around my age.
“My name is Emma…” I said, not wanting to talk about what happened.
“Well, Emma, do you want to tell us why you are here?” She asked. I looked at the floor and slowly shook my head no, I didn’t like being mean; I hoped she understood.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready; you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Someone else in the circle raised their hand. Everyone looked at her.
“My name is Alice, I lost my two girls and baby boy while I was driving… it wasn’t my fault, I know that now-” I tuned her out thinking about Beth. We were supposed to go shopping today. I spaced out for quite awhile I guess because before I knew it almost everyone shared. The emotions in the air were depressing. It made me sad and I didn’t even have to listen to their stories.
“My name is Toby; I lost my girlfriend and my best friend one night. We all had a little bit to drink but my friend thought he was good enough to drive us back to his place. We were listening to music really loud in the car having a good time.” He stopped talking and looked at me, he was watching me.
“My girlfriend Macy saw this truck going faster and faster… he wasn’t going to stop. She pointed over in the direction as we all looked over to see what would happen next. The truck hit another smaller car, sending it flying off the bridge. We all watched in shock. Before I knew what was happening Macy was screaming. My friend never slowed down when traffic halted to a stop. I was in the back seat, because it was the most uncomfortable. Both my girlfriend and my best friend went flying out the front window when we hit the semi in front of us. My best friend died instantly. My girlfriend never made it to the hospital; I only had a few bumps and bruises. I ask myself every day why I was the one to sit in the back seat. If I let Macy sit back there, she could have still been alive today.” The group fell silent.
My heart was pounding and I felt nausea. Either I imagined his story or he was explaining the same accident I had been through. I looked down at my lap instantly and felt the unwanted tears spring to my eyes.
“I’m so sorry.” I heard a few people say between sniffles. I didn’t look back up at anyone in the group. Was he talking about my accident? A million questions went flying through my mind, but I never asked them; I stayed still and silent.
“Emma, do you want to share yet or do you want to wait until next time?” She asked nicely, not really pressuring me but giving me another chance to free the weight on my shoulders. I shook my head.
“I’ll wait.” I said lowly, my body falling in disappointment at my choice.
“It’s okay, I waited a month to open up, but when I finally did I felt so much better, I didn’t feel as guilty.” Alice said smiling at me. I forced a smile back but stayed silent.
“Alright class, next Wednesday at three, same place same time.” The woman in charge said.
“My name is Heather by the way…” She said, standing up and looking at me.
I stayed sitting for a few moments while other people were talking to each other or getting up to leave. When I stood up I noticed Toby, that kid who was sitting next to me, watching me intently. I gave him a blank look that hopefully showed no emotion as I walked past him and outside.
I decided to walk back home considering it was only a mile. I didn’t mind the rain one bit; it hid the tears that were falling down my face no matter how cliché that sounded. Toby was stuck in my mind; he saw what had happened to me. The reason he lost his girlfriend and friend, is because of me. I tried my best to not make it noticeable that I was crying. If I would have said something about that truck everyone would still be alive. Colin would still be alive. I heard someone whistle at me as I looked around and saw an old homeless guy winking at me.
Now instead of having my friend’s death on my shoulders, I had complete strangers on them to. The weight of the world seemed to be on my back and I shrugged over, disappointed.
I looked down at my feet and continued to keep walking faster this time. I passed the coffee shop on the corner of the street and started walking towards the woods. My house wasn’t too far out of town. My clothes were soaking wet and my hair was dripping. I’m sure the slight makeup I had on was running down my face by now.
I saw the light on in the living room as I walked down the gravel road way. I opened the door and walked in taking off my shoes. The power flickered off for a second but then it came back on. My feet were freezing and my face was numb. The warmth of the house was much better than walking in the rain.
“Emma?” I heard Jayden ask from in the living room.
“Yea, it’s me.” I said, taking my jacket off and placing it in the closet.
“Come here, how did you get home?” Jayden asked looking at the TV screen once I walked into the living room.
“I walked.” I answered truthfully, ignoring his eyes as they grew twice the size.
“You did what?” He asked, clear angry at me as he shouted it.
“I walked, it was nice.” I said, trying to get away before he yelled at me more and made me cry.
“Are you crazy? You’re soaking wet! You should have just called me!” He shouted. Noah was making his appearance through the door way of the living room.
“I didn’t bring my phone and I wanted to walk. I got to clear my mind… it was nice.” I said again.
“How was it? Did it help?” Jayden asked, curiously asking about the session.
“Not really, I’m tired… I’m going to lie down.” I said before turning around and walking down the hall towards my room.
Jayden didn’t say much after that; he knew that if he did I would get angry. We didn’t need to get in more fights with my condition. The lights flickered again but somehow managed to stay on.
Once I got into my room, I changed into my pajama pants and tank top. I walked over to my closet and grabbed myself a hair tie. I put my hair up into a messy bun not really caring about what it looked like tomorrow. I walked over to my bed and got under the covers. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, finally being able to sleep. My feet were starting to ache from the walk home but my breathing evened out and I drifted off.
‘”Emma…” I heard his voice whisper into my ear. I opened my eyes to see Colin smiling at me.
“Colin? What are you doing? What if someone comes in and finds you?” I whispered loudly.
“How was it today?” He asked changing his attitude from playful to serious. Then I remembered that this was a dream, and he really wasn’t here.
“It sucked; I didn’t even want to listen to anyone’s story. One did catch my attention though, remember Toby?” I asked. He shook his head yes and looked away from me, causing me to wonder even more.
“What’s the deal with that? Do you think it was our accident?”
“Only time can tell, young grasshopper.” He said, grinning big. I rolled my eyes at him as he laughed at my reaction.
“Are you going to go next week?” He asked, as I shrugged my shoulders. “Please go, you need too…” He moved a piece of hair out of my eyes and I tried to ignore the butterflies in my stomach.
“I miss talking to you…” I sighed, trying my best not to think about it.
“You’re talking to me right now silly, besides… This way we won’t ever get sick of each other. I can just leave when you hate me, or I can disappear when I hate you.” He stuck his tongue out at me.
“I could never get sick of you Colin.” I said, reassuringly but also sadly.
“Remember that one time at the mall when you pushed me into the coin fountain water?” He asked. I started to laugh at the memory as I shook my head. “You’re face was priceless… you gave me the silent treatment for a whole week!” He laughed with me and for once I felt like maybe life wouldn’t suck so much.
“I want you to make more friends and get out of this house once in a while…” I moved over so I could lie on my stomach and still watch him closely. “Can I be a bird?” He asked looking at me while he was lying on his side. I looked at him confused at the sudden change of subject.
“Is it possible to be reincarnated into a bird when you die? I want to be a bird if that’s so, Will you be a bird with me Emma?” I smiled at him; he was talking about the movie ‘The Notebook’. I smiled at him as I shook my head.
“No. That’s probably the worst joke you have ever told me.” I said. He looked at me before smiling. I did not want him to say anything like that; he was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t going to end up being with him in the end.
“It’s almost time for me to leave...” He said. “You know, I can’t stay here forever?” He questioned. I nodded my head slowly; cutting my emotions off again.
“I have to wake up eventually…” I sighed as I sat up in the bed and faced him.
“Even then… I can’t stay in your dreams forever. You’re going to move on, trust me. I’ll make sure of it.” He stood up and walked over to the door. He put his hands in his pockets once he reached it as he turned around to look at me one last time.
“You looked pretty today by the way. I’ll talk to you later alright?” He never gave me the chance to respond as he walked into the bright light that was outside my bedroom door. I sighed and let myself fall back onto the bed.
My eyes snapped open as a smile instantly grew onto my face. “Good morning Colin.” I whispered. I stood up from my bed and walked out of my room down the hall. I could hear Jayden on his cell phone talking to Lindsey telling her everything was going to be alright. I smiled at him as I walked by the living room. I went into the kitchen to grab a bowl of frosted flakes. Once I got my bowl ready I walked over to the silverware drawer to grab a spoon. I took a seat at the bar stool by the island setting my bowl down in front of me.
“Hey sleeping beauty!” Noah said walking into the kitchen. He grabbed a cup and got the orange juice out of the fridge. I didn’t say anything back as I put another spoonful of food into my mouth.
“Why do you keep looking at me?” I asked; I always caught him watching me lately. “I’m not going to grow another head. I hate to break it to you but the doctors at the hospital didn’t give me anything radioactive and I’m not turning into a superhero.
“I had a dream last night.” He said smiling. I looked at him waiting for him to continue talking, curiosity in the back of my mind.
“Colin was in it… it was weird. I was actually talking to him. I told him I was sorry and he told me it didn’t matter anymore.” He seemed happier this morning; I guess that would explain it.
“That’s good…” I said smiling; he smiled back at me and took a drink of his juice before asking me a question.
“What was your dream about?”
“Colin, we talked about this one time when I pushed him into the coin water at the mall. He was so mad at me; he didn’t talk to me for a week.” I laughed again at the memory.
“Why did you push him in?” He asked genuinely curious.
“I pushed him because he told me to shut up!” I shouted grabbing another spoonful of food and shoving it into my mouth. It was actually kind of nice talking about him.
“Well, then I guess he deserved it.” He was smiling as he finished his drink and put the cup into the dishwasher.
“It’s weird, isn’t? I mean, the dream seemed so real.” I nodded my head at him, completely understanding him.
“Emma!” Jayden yelled from the living room. I walked into the room and looked at him.
“Want to come with me today? If you don’t that’s fine, I told Lindsey you probably wouldn’t be up for it anyways, she wants to go to the mall.” I scrunched up my face. I was doing better but not good enough to go into a public place like that full of memories.
“I’ll pass. I’ll watch a movie or something.” I said shrugging my shoulders. He shook his head and stood up from the couch walking towards the bathroom to take a shower. I sat down on the couch and sighed.
“How was the group yesterday?” Noah asked taking a seat next to me, maybe a little too close.
“I didn’t pay much attention.” I grabbed the TV remote and turned it on. The house phone rang making me jump. Nobody ever calls the house. I grabbed the phone next to the couch and hit answer, expecting it to be a telemarketer.
“Hello?”
“Emma? This is Heather; your brother gave me your number when he signed you up. We are having a surprise meeting today if you would like to join? It will be at the same location. We have a few new people attending.”
“Yea sure, is it around three?” I asked looking at Noah who was watching me. She said yes and then we said our goodbyes.
“Who was that?”
“We have a surprise meeting today apparently with a few new people at the group. Do you mind taking me again?” I asked hopeful. He smiled at me as he shook his head yes.
“Of course I will drive you, Madame.” He said, in a fake British accent. I smiled at him as I returned my attention back onto the TV. He may not be Colin, but he was there for me.