(Alex's POV - Sat. 2 May 2015)
Well done, Alex! Such a great job you did! You couldn't have reached better achievements in your life!
You owned everything you'd ever hoped for, and even more!
You had a great job and the best career opportunities. You had become a cook and could have progressed even further in the future because you were learning from the best. You had nice colleagues and your work environment was far better than in most restaurants. A great kitchen with all modern appliances. A peaceful atmosphere thanks to a boss and managers who truly care for the employees. A really good salary. There was a future there for you. Mark certainly had high expectations.
Now you have to start it all over again. From scratch. Though that's only if you're given a second chance. Do you even deserve it? That would make you the hell of a lucky bastard... At barely 20, you'd already been given the chance of a lifetime at Le Marais, and you had to go and ruin everything! Now just try and get a new job in a crappy restaurant! You'll just get back to washing dishes and pots!
Not only did you ruin your professional future, but even worse, you also ruined your sentimental life. Only six months ago, you were leading a lonely and boring life, but you had come to be loved and cared for. How could you throw all this happiness away like it was shit? Don't you think you'd gone through enough after you lost your parents and had to live with the bitch? Hadn't you suffered enough from loneliness and misery?
For God's sake, you hadn't found one man to cherish you, but two! Who gets lucky enough to have two men they love equally and gets the same in return? You can't even blame them for treating you differently because you joined their relationship four months after they'd been together! They never considered you as a spare wing for their beautiful ship. You were part of a whole, perfectly integrated. Mark cared for you as much as he cared for Shannon. And Shannon loved you as much as he loved Mark.
And what did you do? You just wasted it all away. You threw all this perfection in a dumpster and ran away, like the coward you are.
Because a coward, you are!
Your best hope now is that they've come to hate you so badly that they won't suffer from your selfish and chicken departure. You didn't even have the guts to face them with a proper farewell... Did you even think about how they would feel toward your absence? Did you imagine for just one second how sad and empty they might feel? No, of course not! It's so much easier to pretend they'll just hate you...
You're just too self-centered, only thinking about your own little person...
Just try to fathom how guilty Mark might have felt when he found your note. Imagine his anger. And what about Shan...? What if he woke up before Mark returned and found your letter? Do you think he panicked, all alone in the apartment? Did he cry his soul out searching you in every room?
That hurts, doesn't it? Yeah, right... Remain in your denial. Keep thinking that the only emotion that washed over them was spite, but deep down, you know I AM right.
Best decision in your whole fucking life!
I wish my conscience would give me a break, but it keeps polluting my head with its sarcastic voice and its bitter thoughts as I walk back to my motel after another unsuccessful day of job-hunt. Freaking conscience just won't shut up, but I guess I deserve it.
I guess I deserve the entire situation I'm in.
This has been another day roaming the streets of Champaign, looking for a job, and I'm so tired of these miles walking. I'm trying to save the cash I own, so there's no way I'm going to use the bus, much less a cab. It gives me the opportunity to enter all the restaurants, fast-foods, bakeries and caterers I cross, but unfortunately, each establishment I visit brings the same answer. No vacant jobs. And yet, I'd better find one soon or I'll end up living on the streets. The motel I found is rather cheap and decent, but it still costs me like forty bucks a night, so it's only temporary. Hence my eagerness to find work and a place to live.
Despite my aching feet, I pick up speed, holding my backpack close to my chest. Half my cash is in my bag and I certainly won't risk having it stolen. Honestly, I never thought it would be so hard to get a job in Champaign or Urbana. Maybe not as easy as in Chicago since there are less restaurants, but not that difficult either. I might have to turn to other trades than cooking, try various shops or warehouses. In the end, I might do with whatever I get.
When I finally reach my hotel in the early evening, I go straight to my tiny room and fetch my food from the mini-fridge. Time for my second meal of the day! I pull out two slices of bread, one slice of ham that I slip between them, and here I am with a beautiful sandwich. Such a change from the healthy diet I had only a few days ago...
Ugh, the air is so thick and heavy in here! The air conditioner is out of order and the weather has been so nice and warm lately that I can barely breathe, so I slightly pull up the window, hoping for some fresh evening air. I also make sure that the envelop with the other half of my cash is still safe beneath the mattress and after a mild shower, I lie down on the bed in my boxer briefs. I'm so exhausted. I just can't wait for sleep to swallow me whole, especially now that the nightmares have disappeared. In my slumber, I'll be able to forget about all my troubles.
Meanwhile, reality keeps gnawing at my brain. I'm back to my old solitary life, with no one to talk to, no one to snuggle against, only surrounded by silence. Is this what I really wanted? Obviously not...
My old phone and its detached battery are lying on the bed too, smirking at me. Mark tried to call me on Saturday morning and maybe I just watched too many movies or read too many thrillers, but I switched it off and removed the battery, just in case he'd try to locate my device. I have been tempted to switch it back on, but I'm too scared to hear whatever message he or Shannon may have left on my voice mail. I wouldn't be able to deal with hearing their voices because it would simply make me crumble to dust.
I never thought I'd miss them so badly, but what did I expect? After all, I love them... I miss Shan's craziness and joyfulness, his tenderness, his mischievous and sparkling eyes. I miss Mark's safe and strong arms, his authority, his guidance, his gentleness, his comfort. I feel so empty without them. I wish I could stop thinking about my ex-lovers, but I don't want to forget them. The months I spent in their company were the best in my life and although it's only been a week since I ran away, it feels like ages.
If only I could turn back time to that moment I opened the entrance door of the apartment...
My decision to flee was made in some sort of daze. The previous week had been difficult and weary due to the nightmares. I was tired and lost, not knowing how to deal with all the stress. Mark's promise for a serious conversation on that Saturday afternoon scared me a little, but there was hope he might help sort out my issues. Too bad I had to panic at the remembrance of my parents.
What they said in my dreams sounded too real and it turned stronger than my own reason. I was there, sitting alone in the kitchen, and somehow, I could feel them glaring at me. At what I'd become. As if they disapproved this three-way relationship and the kinky lifestyle I evolved in. I just couldn't handle feeling rejected by my beloved parents on the eve of their death anniversary, so in this very moment, the only option I saw was to leave.
Barely aware of what I was doing, I went to Mark's office and sat at his desk to write a quick resignation letter and a farewell note. I guess my subconscious tried to overpower my conscience because I couldn't help weeping over my goodbye. I went to the playroom to fetch the spare key of my collar, painfully unlocked it and left the jewel on the kitchen counter with my note. As silently as I could, I went into the walk-in closet to pack a few clothes and my box of secrets, and I fought my urge to take a last peek at Shannon. But I didn't.
I was scared he might wake up. Mostly, I was afraid I might flinch in front of his cuteness. So I took a deep breath and went straight for the door. I hovered by the entrance for a few seconds, taking a last mental picture of the place where I had been so happy, but I knew I had to hurry. Mark would be back any minute. I gathered all my strength and walked out.
As soon as I had quietly shut the door, with my backpack on my back and my duffle bag on my shoulder, regret immediately washed over me. I wanted to get back in, but I had obviously left my set of keys on the console, so there was no way to back off. I couldn't ring the bell to ask Shannon to let me back in. I couldn't wait for Mark's return. What excuses would I have given for being locked out with a bag full of clothes?
So, I hurriedly walked to the next station and took a train that rode me to the borders of Chicago. There, I withdrew as much cash as the dispenser would allow me to – I knew I wouldn't be able to use my credit card again to avoid being located – and then I did something that Mark would certainly kill me for. I hitch-hiked. I had already done that in the past and I wasn't scared, but I couldn't help whispering an apology to my Mast... ex-Master for breaching an important rule.
However, I couldn't waste money on a train or Greyhound ticket to Southern Illinois. One thousand dollars sounded like a lot, but I knew they would thin out in no time. So, I went for the cheap solution, even if it meant disobeying Mark's guide to safety. It took time and a few changes, but I made it safely to my hometown by the late afternoon.
I'm not sure what I was expecting there. Perhaps I thought I would feel better being closer to my parents, but nothing like that happened. I hadn't been there in three years and in the end, it was no surprise to feel like a stranger. Not that the town changed that much in so little time, but there was no homey feeling.
The weather was nice, so I briefly considered spending my first night in a park. I was confident I'd find a job shortly and with my left hand still aching a bit from the burn, I decided I could allow myself the comfort of a hotel room for a few nights. As long as I was able to save enough cash for a potential rent, it would be fine. Anyway, that night was the worst of all. Not only did my parents haunt my dreams, but Mark and Shan also butted in, chasing me in anger and hate.
When I woke up on Sunday morning, I was drenched in sweat, my head was about to explode with a migraine, and worst of all, I felt lost without Mark's safe arms and Shan's warmth. There was no one to comfort me like in the past few nights and realizing that my parents' accident occurred on that day three years ago only brought my spirits further down.
I needed them so badly. I needed to feel their love. I needed to get closer to them.
It was barely 6 am, but I got up and dressed, then walked for three hours to the cemetery. I couldn't remember where their grave was, so it took me another hour wandering among the alleys until I found it. I was shocked to see how poorly kept it was after only three years, but having no family and only very few friends, I guess they scarcely receive visitors.
I spent two hours kneeling on the grass, crying while whispering words to them, telling them how much I missed their presence. And how I wished I had been with them three years ago. How lonely I felt after their death. How lonely I felt now, after ruining everything I had in Chicago. How I would love to join them... knowing I'd probably never find the guts to end my life. Sadly, I didn't feel anything special, like a presence, but I still spent most of the day with them, cleaning up their tomb and just sitting there.
I don't know what I was expecting. Perhaps some sort of supernatural event... an ethereal sign. Nothing happened and by the end of the day, I wasn't feeling any better. I was even worse in fact. I was upset, tired and so sad. I was craving for my men. After another three-hour walk back to the motel, I didn't even bother to eat and went straight to sleep. The only upside was that I eventually had my first peaceful night, free of any nightmares. As were the following nights.
With that in mind, I wrap myself in the comforter, shut my eyes and drift to sleep. Another dreamless sleep.
When I wake up the following morning, I can tell that something isn't right. My lower half is still wrapped within the comforter and a cold breeze is brushing my back. I suddenly remember that I left the window slightly opened before I went to bed, but it shouldn't allow that much wind in. Flipping to my other side, I freeze when I see that the window is now fully up. I had lifted it by only a couple of inches!
The next second I'm out of bed and searching the small room for anything missing, but I quickly notice that my backpack is no longer where I had left it, beside the bed. Just in case my memory is failing me, I search the whole room, but it soon gets obvious that an intruder got in and stole it.
500 dollars. My ID. My credit card. A few pictures of Mark and Shannon.
Bile rises in my throat and I barely make it to the toilets to throw up the few remnants that my stomach held from last night while tears of rage spill out of my eyes. How could I be so stupid!? Who could be dumb enough to leave a window open when their room in on the ground floor!? Well, I am that dumbass! I am so mad at myself!
Once my stomach has stopped heaving, I flush the toilet and fall back on my backside, leaning against the wall to shed all the tears I have. 500 dollars... What am I going to do now?
Crawling back to the bed, I retrieve the envelope from beneath the mattress, relieved to find it there, but it doesn't soothe much of my anger. After I have paid the last two nights, I will be left with less than 200 bucks... It may sound a lot, but it won't get me far. Obviously, I can't stay here any longer and waste any more money on a hotel room.
Naïve as I am, I still try my luck calling the receptionist.
"Reception. How can I help?" a cold feminine voice answers.
"Hi... I'm Mr. Simmons, room number 7. I was wondering if you heard about burglaries at the hotel last night?"
"None at all. Why do you ask?"
"Because someone broke into my room and stole my backpack..."
"Did they break the window!!?" she exclaims.
"No... I had left it open..." I concede shamefully.
"Seriously? You left the window open on the ground floor?" she accuses sarcastically. "Well, you may call the police, but I doubt they'll help you much here. They might take fingerprints. Hopefully they didn't steal your wallet or money..." she then adds with heavy suspicion in her voice.
"They did, but I still have some cash..."
"Well, I expect to see you within the next half hour to pay the last two nights, and should you want to stay in our hotel, I'll ask you to pay further nights in advance," she replies very dryly.
Of course. They wouldn't take any risk hosting someone who might not be able to pay... I'm so dejected by her lack of compassion – not that I deserve it anyway – and coldness that I can barely breathe. I can't dwell on that or my stupid mistakes, though, so I gather myself together and go to the bathroom to use the shower one last time. The mild water doesn't help me to relax, but who knows when I'll be able to enjoy a shower next time?
Once I have dressed and packed my belongings inside my duffle bag, I head out to reception. The woman's expression is just as cold as her voice earlier when I check out, but I don't care and leave without another word, my package safely swung across my shoulder as I start walking south toward the city center. I'm not hungry and yet, my stomach keeps claiming for food, so a couple of hours later, I quickly stop by a grocery store to buy some sandwich bread, a banana and a bottle of water.
A few minutes later, I'm sitting on a bench at a huge park beside the University of Illinois, eating a slice of bread. My stomach churns, but I'm forcing myself to eat a bit more because I know my body needs food. Fainting because of hypoglycemia or whatever is clearly not what I need now.
The park reminds me of all the times I went running with Mark and Shannon. It's not as nice as the Millenium, but it brings nice memories. Or sad memories. I never thought that running could be pleasant before. However, once Mark had offered me a good pair of sneakers and taught me how to breathe properly, I began to enjoy this physical activity; a lot more than spending two hours at the gym by the way.
I miss him and his dominance so much right now. More and more each day. I need him so desperately. Without his guidance, I'm not capable of anything good, obviously. He wouldn't have let us sleep with a window open on the ground floor of a motel. He would know what to do now. He would provide me with the best advice on how to sort this mess out. I miss Shannon so much as well. I need his bright personality. Without him, life seems so dull and gray.
If only I could return to them... but I'm too scared of their reaction. They're probably mad at me, if not worse.
It's been over a week now and I wonder if they moved on from me, back to their former dual relationship. Or perhaps they replaced me with another Submissive... They must have been to the Black Diamond last night, so maybe they fell for someone else. Anyway, why would they even take me back with them after what I did? If I show up there, they might as well kick me out right away. It would only be fair.
As a sign of my doomed fate, raindrops start falling over Champaign. Isn't this ironic? The weather has been beautiful ever since I arrived and while I had a roof over my head, and now that I have to live on the streets, it's raining.
With a heavy sigh, I pull myself up and head out of the park. I need to find a shelter, or at least a place to keep away from bad weather conditions. Just my luck.
My name's Alexander Simmons and I'm the biggest dumbass in the world. I had a future and I ruined it all. Now I'm 20 and all I own is a few clothes, toiletries, and barely 200 dollars...
I'm homeless.
Homeless and hopeless.
So hopeless that I sincerely wish I had been in my parents' car on April 26th, 2012.
Published on 11 June 2016