Firstly thanks again for all the comments and support I really appreciate it :D The more of you who comment the happier it makes me, like honestly they make my day, and that often encourages me to write more and quicker :D SO VOMMENT!
Secondly HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY AWESOME FRIEND ELLIE!!!! WHO IS 17 TODAY AND I AM UPLOADING THIS 2 DAYS EARLY IN HONOUR OF HER!! :D She's honestly such an amazing friend and she's such a great supporter of me and helps me believe in myself (plus she loves malec) so a big thank you to her!
And FINALLY this chapter is sad. At least it should be. I'm hoping I make you (or at least some of you) cry-please tell me if I do or you get close :) but yeah anyways enjoy...well maybe that's the wrong word but oh well. p.s. the speech is inspired by one Ianto says to Jack in Torchwood :P
Alec was in a bad mood again. He tapped his fingers rapidly against his thigh, practically vibrating with pent up tension. Isabelle and Jace had returned a few times to check on him but had refused to talk to either of them, at least until Jace had annoyed him so much he had finally given in to him.
He had demanded multiple times to be allowed to go and see Magnus but Jace refused to even let him get out of bed-at least for another day or so until his headaches cleared up. Jace had even threatened to resort to tying Alec down to which Alec had ruefully responded that that wasn’t his sort of thing.
Jace had snorted and muttered something under his breath that sounded something like ‘if that’s not a lie I’ll let Clary paint me naked and hang it on the corridor wall’.
But Alec’s frustration and being forcefully bed-bound against his will did not ebb which was why, at around 2am after failing to fall asleep due to a particularly painful headache Alec snuck as quietly as he could, which was significantly less stealthy than usual, out of the infirmary and made his way back to his own bedroom.
To where Magnus was.
It was slow going but Alec was determined. He staggered wearily down the dimly lit corridor towards his room. His head felt as if it was about to split open and his arm still throbbed dully. He had done his best to tie it, one handed, in a sling to keep it still but every time he moved a new stab of pain shot its way through his arm. But he didn’t care-there were things more important than his own well-being.
His movements were slow but at last he reached the door of him room only to realise that a tall figure was standing in front of it-apparently keeping guard. Isabelle.
He stopped a few feet from her and looked into her tired face. Her skin was sallow; pulled tight over her cheekbones sharp and there were bags under her eyes. She gave him a small, brief smile.
“How are you feeling?” she asked quietly apparently choosing to ignore-at least for now-the fact he was out of bed without permission..
“Probably as bad as you look.” His sharp laughed was quickly halted by the stabbing pain that flared up in his chest. “Seriously Izzy, you need to go lie down.”
“Can’t” she replied quickly.
“Iz you really should-”
“I need to wait here until Brother Enoch returns. He’s going to talk to the other Silent Brothers about Magnus’s…current state.” Her voice was firm and her jaw was set. The way she saw it was that she had been given a task and she was full well going to do her best to fulfil it-even if it was just waiting outside Alec’s bedroom. So what if she felt like hell and was about to drop from exhaustion?
“Well stay here if you want but I’ll be in there waiting anyway so you may as well get some sleep.”
Isabelle didn’t answer. She was so stubborn sometimes.
Alec made a move to go past her and into his room-expecting Isabelle to move out of his way-but instead she moved to block him.
“Izzy get out of the way.” He said with a playful smile. But Isabelle’s expression was serious.
Alec sighed.
“C’mon Iz, I’m not in the mood to play games. Move over so I can go and see Magnus.” He had been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for this moment almost as soon as he had calmed down after Jace had let it slip-trying being the operative word. But it had to be done’ he had to see Magnus.
But Isabelle just shook her head.
“Isabelle,” she scowled at his use of her full name. She knew he knew that she hated people calling her that. “I have not seen my boyfriend for two days. I have been forcibly kept apart from him for the last 22 hours because apparently he was being treated in the Silent City and then according to Jace my injuries were too serious for me to even get out of bed for another six hours…”
“And it’s only been 4.” Isabelle interrupted.
“I. Do. Not. Care.” Alec spat venomously, his eyes flashing. “Magnus is lying in there, in my room, in my bed, unconscious and he needs me.”
“Alec, I’m not supposed to let him be disturbed. At least wait until the Silent Brothers come back.”
“That could take hours! I need to see him now!”
It wasn’t that Isabelle didn’t understand. She knew how horrible it was being unable to be there for someone you loved. It had been the same for her when Magnus had been healing her brother from his attack by the Greater Demon last year. All she had been able to do was wait in agonized silence with Jace and Clary while they waited to hear if her brother was going to be ok. But she didn’t want to disobey the Silent Brothers either.
“Alec…”
“Don’t! Don’t you dare tell me I can’t see him!” Alec hissed. “I love that warlock with all of my heart; I need to make sure he is ok and nobody is going to stop me seeing him!” His voice cracked and his chest was heaving with emotion.
“SO LET ME IN OR, BY THE ANGEL, I WILL MAKE YOU MOVE.” Isabelle cringed away from him sharply and stood there in a stunned silence as his voice echoed down the long hallway. She didn’t think she had ever heard her brother sound as passionate and angry as he did now. She stared at his face, at his glowering expression for a long time before sighing sadly and moving swiftly out of his way.
She decided would rather face the wrath of the Silent Brothers than deny her brother in his current state.
Alec stormed swiftly passed her without another word. She watched him disappear into the room until he slammed the door in her face. She was shocked. Alec was usually so passive and calm. He stood up for himself when necessary and was by no means a push-over but seeing him acting so aggressive was disconcerting.
‘Don’t be stupid,’ she told herself. He was clearly exhausted and in pain-anyone would be a bit snappish.
Shaking her head dazedly she turned on her heel and retired to her bedroom. She was so tired she could hardly stay awake. Alec would look after Magnus better than anyone and if he did wake up somehow it was best if Alec was there. If the Silent Brothers wanted to continue studying him they would have to go through Alec.
Isabelle chuckled quietly to herself.
She had a feeling she knew who would win.
Alec forced himself not to look at Magnus when he first walked into the room otherwise he would spiral down into the deep dark pit of despair he was teetering on the edge of-barely managing to stop himself for falling into.
He grabbed the carved wooden chair that sat in the corner of his room, placed it as close to the bed as he could and dropped tiredly into it.
Closing his eyes he took slow, calming breaths trying to prepare himself for the sight of his boyfriend in…he could hardly bare to think of it…in a coma.
Roughly pushing his hair out of his face he finally opened his eyes and looked down at Magnus’s still form.
It struck him like a physical blow to the stomach making him feel nauseous. Magnus looked paler than usual and he was too still. As still as he would be in death. Only the small, barely perceptible rise and fall of his chest was proof that he was still alive.
Just seeing Magnus in this state was like having a thousand serrated daggers pierce his chest at the same time before they began to twist round and round. Carving him out until there was nothing left but a quivering mass of raw nerves and pain and emotion.
“Please just be ok,” he whispered brokenly, sounding like a scared little kid.
That was all he said for an extensive amount of time, not trusting his voice to hold. The silence hung thickly in the room until finally he cleared his throat quietly and, after a long pause and a deep breath, he began speaking:
“You know they say that you’re supposed to talk to people when they’re in a coma. Apparently it helps them in some way. As if hearing the voice of someone they care about will suddenly make everything ok and they’ll…you’ll…wake up. But I never heard of anyone coming out of a coma and carrying on the conversation.” He laughed without humour and the bleak sound filled the room oppressively.
But Alec carried on speaking, as if driven by some unknown force which propelled him to spill every thought as soon as it came into his head. He barely paused for breath as he continued to fill the silence with his words.
“So I suspect it’s something the doctors tell the mundanes to do, although I guess it may apply here as well, to make us feel better, rather than help you. So we don’t feel quite so useless and helpless. So we get the feeling that there’s still some sense of purpose in our lives. We’re not just waiting. Waiting for the magic to work. Or the miracle to happen. Or the nightmare to end.
Alec hated how shaky his voice was and he took a deep, shuddering breath, unsure of himself but he ploughed on anyway-determined.
“Look I have absolutely no idea whether you can hear me and I’m sure if you can hear me then you’ll sense how…strange this feels right now. I mean, talking this much-without you saying anything. But if it’s possible that this might help you then it’s worth trying. At this point anything is worth trying.
“You know I’m not usually much of a talker, Magnus. Just promise me, if you’re hearing this, that when you come round, when not if Magnus; you’re going to come out of this, I know you will, just promise me that you’ll never bring up anything I say to you now. OK?
But at that moment Alec could no longer think of anything to say. He swallowed convulsively trying to clear the lump in his throat, determined to keep it together. He felt awkward, pitiful and completely and utterly hopeless.
He distracted himself but looking at Magnus. His golden skin, his strong nose and dark lashes, his soft, full lips-remembering how they could go from being curved up in a devilish grin to pressing ever so gently against his own.
How they would breathe words of love against Alec’s own mouth; making promises of their limitless future that Alec knew the warlock could never keep.
Tears began to sting behind Alec’s eyes but at the same time words came flooding into his brain, flowing freely from his lips.
“This must be the longest that I’ve ever looked at you and not seen you smile. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I wake up beside you and see you still sleeping. You look so beautiful. So vulnerable. I look at you and think about how lucky I am to have found you. How lucky I am that you love me. Sometimes I’ve seen your eyes moving behind your eyelids as you dreamed. And tried to imagine what a man like you could possibly dream about. The things you’ve seen; the life you’ve lived; the people you’ve loved. I wonder if you are dreaming about me… I hope you are dreaming about me.
“But let’s be honest, Magnus. I’m… nothing. Not really. Nothing more than a blip in time for you. Every day, I grow a little older. But you’re immortal. You’ve already lived for hundreds of years. How can you watch me grow old and die? How can I watch you live and never age a day?
“I suppose we both know that will probably never be a problem. Not in this job. Not many Shadowhunters ever live to draw a…what do the mundanes call it, a pension, do they? Even by some miracle I survive to see my hair turn grey, or, angels forbid, fall out, I don’t kid myself that you’d still be around to see it. One day, you won’t be able to handle it anymore. You’ll finally realise that you can’t just watch me die.
“So you’ll leave. And I’ll carry on loving you-‘till the end of my life. And you’ll grieve for a while and hopefully reminisce on the good times we shared and maybe, after another hundred years, something that happens or something you see will make you remember me-just briefly. The Shadowhunter boy you once loved. But eventually you’ll forget me and move on.
“Because that’s what it’s like when you live forever, isn’t it? In the end, you always move on.”
And just like that, Alec had nothing else to say. He had just poured out his deepest fears, his entire heart to the man he loved and he couldn’t even hear him. And now suddenly everything just seemed pointless.
His world had crumbled around him and Alec wanted nothing more than to block it out right now. Roughly scraping away the crystalline tear drops that still lingered in his eyes, threatened to spill over, he leant forwards resting his forehead on his arms and drifted into a fitful sleep.