I opened the scrapbook my mom made me when I was just three which she ended up giving it to me as a birthday gift for my fourteenth birthday.
She started filling the scrapbook with pictures when I was just three. It was filled with pictures of us as a family, which makes me miss my dad even more by just looking at it.
My dad died when I was just thirteen and I have been living four years in agony without him. I think of the last memory I had with him which was when he took me to a place somewhere in southern California when it was summertime and I didn't know that it would be our last road trip together.
I flipped through the pages of the scrapbook and smiled to myself as I reminisce the past. The memories of my dad were as fresh as yesterday, making it harder for me each and every day to let the thought of him go.
I grabbed the scarpbook that was sitting on my lap and placed it on the bed beside me as I gathered all of my strength and stood up from my bed, slipping on some slippers as I walk out of my room. I was met with the aroma of marinara sauce down the stairs as I instantly made my way down. I find myself walking towards the kitchen but ended up stopping midway when I saw my mom applying make up to her face in the hallway mirror.
I cocked my head to the side and studied her figure, "What are you doing?" I ask as I continue to stare at her. She drops the foundation that she was holding and placed it on the table in front of her as she turns her head towards my direction.
She gave me a questioning look as I gave her one of my own as well, "The usual," she says. She turns her head back towards the mirror and started applying foundation onto her skin, dabbing the product lightly to her face with the use of beauty blender.
The usual = every two weeks, my mom goes on dates with a bunch of guys she met online, inside and outside her workplace. I have met a bunch of men that my mom brought inside our house and in all honesty, just the thought of her dating another guy makes me sick to the stomach.
My mom has been trying to move on about what happened to my dad. At first, I tried stopping her but I stopped trying when she keeps on ignoring everything I say, especially whenever I express my feelings towards what she's doing. She says just wants to forget about dad and move on with our lives and her solution to that is by dating random guys.
But as for me, it wasn't a reasonable answer. "I bought pizza, by the way," she says as soon as she was done applying red lipstick to her lips. I tilt my head towards the wall and gazed at the clock on the wall as it reads 7:15. "Please wash the dishes on the sink and do the laundry."
I scoffed at her remark, rolling my eyes along. "I'm about to go outside and meet Ethan," I say in a whining tone.
Ethan is my childhood best friend.
I met him when we were both in kindergarten back when we were both here in Pennsylvania. My mom was friends with Jen, his mom. My mom and Jen decided to introduce us to each other since we would be good friends and so, they did and we both ended up liking the presence of each other.
I left Pennsylvania when I was just seven and ever since then, we kept on moving to different towns and cities every year, leaving Ethan and the friendship that we have built behind. But then my mom and I moved back here in Pennsylvania just three years ago and decided to stay here for three or more years longer, thinking that it was probably safe this time to stay than to leave again. I rekindled my friendship with Ethan and promised to never leave him.
Maybe it was too soon to make a promise that I'll end up breaking in the near end.
I've been crushing for Ethan for almost eight years now and ever since we moved out of this place, I can't stop thinking about him. I never got the chance to express my true feelings towards him until he told me that he has a girlfriend and that they have been dating for four years now.
I have been hanging out with Ethan again after eight years of being away from him and ever since I moved out of this town and was out of his sight, he became a changed guy. He was not the same person I became friends with in kindergarten.
I guess it is reasonable since everyone changes—but do we even change for something better? or just to become a better version of ourselves with no right intentions?
We've been hanging out for three years and he still hasn't introduced me properly to his girlfriend. Every time I try to bring her up, he would say that his girlfriend was out of town or they are both not in good terms as of the moment. Ethan wouldn't even tell me her name or show a picture of her and I didn't want to argue with that even longer.
The more I keep my feelings to myself, the more it breaks me that I keep on watching him from afar knowing that he is in love with someone else. And that someone else isn't me.
"How about I pay you for doing the chores?" Mom says, catching my attention. My eyes widened as a smile forms its way to my face.
I have been trying to save up for college but every time I try, I always end up saving nothing. I usually keep on snatching money out of my bank account every time I go out to go shopping because of a sale or to just even go out to treat Ethan for something to eat.
Plus, finding a job right now will just complicate my schedule as of the moment since I have not yet started going to school.
"That is actually a great deal but I would still be going out today," I say, "But... you can count on me," I added cheekily as my mom breaks into chuckles.
I turn my heel around and walked back up the stairs to go back to my bedroom. As soon as I arrived upstairs, I walked towards my nightstand to unplug my phone that has been charging for almost three hours now.
Where are you?
I'm about to leave the house. My mom just distracted me.
Hurry up or else I'm not going to pay for your drink >:(
Okay, mister cranky.
Are you at our usual spot?
Duh. Where else would I be?
I smile in between messages. I grabbed my keys on the table and walked towards my closet to grab a sweatshirt as I made my way back down the stairs.
"Don't forget about our deal," My mom says as she walked towards me as I stop at the last staircase. I gazed at her from head to toe as I plaster a smirk on my face. "What do you think?"
She was wearing a silky red dress that hugged her torso and making the figure of her body to show and to stand out.
She twirls around slowly as I watch her in awe, "You look good," I say truthfully. "Please don't bring any of your dates back here again because it would be an awkward breakfast tomorrow morning," I added, making my mom laugh.
The last time she brought one of her dates back home was two weeks ago. Dave (or whatever his name was) was walking around the kitchen, shirtless, acting like he lives in this place of ours.
My mom sighs as she leans towards me, giving me a peck on my forehead. "I'll be home by eleven and I expect the chores to be done as what I had just said and in which we both agreed upon," she says as she turns her heel around and made her way towards the front door first.
"You don't have to repeat it twice, you know," I say in an annoyed tone.
She stops midway and decides to turn around just to look at me, rather, giving me one last look before she makes her way out of the house, "I love you," she added as I roll my eyes and smirk to myself.
I blow her a kiss that made me cringe at the back of my head, "Love you, too," I say before I watch her completely disappear out of my sight.
My phone started buzzing inside the pocket of my jeans. I sighed to myself and fished inside my pocket to grab my phone. I stare at the caller ID for a second to read it and rolled my eyes at the name as I quickly slide the button to answer the call.
"You are so impatient, you know that?" I say as I put the phone on speaker mode as I placed it on the staircase, two steps above me as I pull the sweatshirt towards my head to wear it.
"I know and I hate that I am," Ethan says on the other line, making me chuckle to myself at his honesty. "I'm ordering without you," he added, sounding bored.
I grabbed my phone on the staircase and instantly made my way towards the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house, locking it first before completely leaving the place. "I told you to wait!"
"I am waiting," he says. "I'm just really thirsty."
I walked towards the garage as I made my way towards the car and unlocking it, "Why don't you just tell me what you wanted to tell me instead of going out today?" Ethan whines on the other line. "You know that my time is really precious."
I placed my phone on the dashboard, "Precious because you are hanging out with your girlfriend and don't have enough time to hang out with me?" I say in a bitter tone.
"You know that's not true," I hopped inside the car as I placed the keys to the ignition, turning the key as the engine roars its way to life and as I buckled up my seatbelt for safety.
"I'm about to leave the house now and drive towards the highway," I say as I put the car on the drive setting and started to drive out of the garage and onto the road.
I told Ethan that I wanted to meet up today because I wanted to tell him something and I decided maybe today is the right time to come up and confess to him instead of hiding my true feelings about him.
It was best to confront the situation than to keep on ignoring it. I don't want to keep on living and look back on the things I have regret which I ended up not doing. I wanted to be honest with Ethan as much as he was being honest with me and if it means that our friendship might get destroyed after my confession and he looks at me differently; deeply, I should know that I have to accept that.
I'm just tired of looking at him from my own perspective. I think it's time to share my perspective about him with him. I just want to put my feelings out there and if he doesn't want that, I'll just have to swallow the truth because that's just reality.
At least I don't have to keep on living with bottling up my feelings anytime longer.
***