Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I have sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Well you are the only exception.
-Paramore
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Chapter 33
I was scared to open my eyes as I felt him loosen his grip on my hand. I was even more scared about telling him my feelings. I was terrified that he would reject me and I can feel this happening. But I just said it…I tried to make myself never tell him…but I just couldn't stop myself. Without thinking I just said it.
Self-consciously I opened my eyes and saw a shocked expression on his face. My eyes searched for his, but he looked distracted; he looked like he was battling with himself. A small tear left my eye. I was scared of this. That’s why I never told him. He must think I’m an idiot. He pulled away sitting back toward his side. I felt hurt; no, hurt is such a small word. I couldn’t express what I’m feeling. I couldn’t control my tears. I looked away from him.
During the ride we both stayed quiet until he broke the silence. “Faith…” I closed my eyes. I just can’t get enough of the way he says my name. It felt so intense just by him calling me. I slightly turned towards him.
“You know me…you know my past. All of it. No one else knows about it except you. You know I could never fall in love,” he said not looking at me, his posture controlled and perfectly normal. I sobbed loudly as he said the last words. I know but I didn't want to believe it and feel more hurt.
“I know…I never expected anything from your side. I just want to get this out my chest. I just want to let you know because that’s the last time we're meeting.” That’s true he'll leave after this drive. He thinks for a long time and nods afterward. I expected more than that but I just…I always expected that it would never happen.
“Why do you give me that house and everything else?” I ask which is what I've wanted to do for the past two days. He finally looks at me, clenching his jaw “I just want…I don’t know” I nodded not wanting to ask further. His expression warns me already.
As I noticed the block leading to my new apartment I started to panic. “I’ll found out what Austin did…soon,” he said as we came nearer to flat. I don’t care if he finds out; I know what he's capable of. I looked at him, capturing every detail of his face in my eyes.
I know what I’m going to do as soon as I go back. The thought make me shiver. “I miss you,” I said through tears. “Stop crying…You're making it hard for me,” he said scooting closer to me. I looked at him as the car finally stopped.
“It gets harder for me every single day. You make me feel complete and miserable at the same time, Zayn” I said, never leaving his eyes.
“I can’t…” He shook his head. I nodded letting my tears fall. “I'll love you always, Zayn,” I said as he closed his eyes for the longest moment. That was my cue to leave. I opened the door as quickly I could and left him. I ran to the building, ignoring the people that were staring at me.
By the that night I just sat on the floor and cried. I reminded myself of all good times I shared with Zayn, everything every small moment we shared. I was grateful that he trusted me enough after everything that happened at Austin’s house. And the way he kissed me…I missed his lips and him…everything about him.
I have nothing left now…just me. When I left his mansion I had a little hope to meet Jack, to talk to him. But he also had gone away long ago. I was just left alone. What’s the purpose of living like this when there is nothing left? Right. I have nothing, not a single person.
Oh god I’m really doing this, I thought. But this is only thing I'm left with. Zayn declined me. And I know he’ll never want to see me again after today. I just know it.
How did I turn out like this? I always hoped to live a little through thick or thin, alone in the past, too. But now loneliness is haunting me. It's killing me every second. I want to kill myself with every second, but it was something I couldn’t do. I'm done fighting; giving up on life is the best option.
I would leave this world with nothing; at the end this is what I deserved. But I’m happy for slightest that I told him about my love. I could never love anybody else. There is no one else that I want. He’s only one for me, and if it's not him then nobody else.
I must sound stupid but it's true. I love him with my soul with every breath of mine and nothing could change that. I made up my mind. This is it. I closed my eyes for a moment to think again but nothing came besides Zayn's face.
I pushed myself up making my way to bathroom. The door creaked open as I turned the tap on, letting the cold water fill the bath tub. I didn’t turn on the heat. The cold will make me numb.
As the water start falling out of the tub, I climbed inside. The cold water felt like small needles on my skin but I couldn’t care less.
I thought about my mom and asked her to forgive me for making this coward decision. Then I thought about Jack, that I would never understand him. I wasn't even there for him when he needed me…the last time of his life. I apologized to God, and soon as my thoughts ended with the beautiful face of Zayn as I sinked myself deep in the water.
His face was clear in front of me. The way he kissed me, the way he touched me, and that breath-taking smile. When he was devastated and when he told me about his past. He blamed himself for nothing. He never did anything wrong. I wanted to tell him that, but now I couldn’t. And when he holds my hand I just couldn’t keep those feeling away.
I'll love you Zayn. Forever.
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Auhor's Note; Hey...guys. did you like the chapter? sorry for being late :( nothing much to say....just listen Diana (one direction's new track which we leaked ;)) the song is beautiful. i cried. from past days i am crying alot. but whatever shit happens. keep smiling be strong.
(another thing i'm looking for editor to edit the beging chapters of this book. i dedicate chapter to you. if anybody interested PM me. pls ASAP)
enjoy vote | comment hope you like it.
love ya........