Brianna's POV
"So Brianna-" Ursula Rosendale, the vice president of the school journalist committee, piped up. Today, she had a purple ribbon tying her peach swirling locks at both sides of her head, yesterday I believed it was red.
She cut her statement off when she saw the pointed glare I shot at her.
We were walking down the hallway of the third floor of our class building. There were still a few students since it was still early in the morning.
"Sorry... Mistress." She started again after clearing her throat. "I now have the poll from the previous semester on who we will conduct the next interview with." She added as we continued walking hurriedly down the stairs.
"Good." I answered sternly. I was about to mention to her about having our club meeting earlier this morning so we wouldn't have to stay late here in school, when a crowd situated by the end of the corridor caught my attention.
When we were about to continue heading down the next set of stairs since we were on our way to our clubroom on the first floor to conduct the meeting, I heard someone from the crowd mentioned a name that reverberated a certain awful wave of familiarity and nostalgia over my entire body.
It was a name of a boy, a forbidden name that I'd buried in the still graveyard of my dead memories for months. I could have been hallucinating since I hadn't taken my breakfast yet. But the fact lies that after all these months of trying to forget him, it was pretty obvious that the hole I buried him in my memory was very shallow.
"So you're a senior student?" One girl asked. "Then your class might be in the next building." She giggled.
"You just transferred so it couldn't be help right? This is the junior's building." Another one followed. "It will be our pleasure to show you the way!"
I stood there frozen by the stairs.
"Mistress?" Ursula voiced out a concern. "Is there a problem?"
A lot of questions flooded my mind, a lot of emotions unraveled inside me and a lot of dead memories came back to life. I was utterly overwhelmed beyond comprehension. I unconsciously held my chest, for some unknown reasons, the pain I felt hurt twice as much as the pain of dreaming about us way back in LaRousse. My breathing suddenly became heavy and coarse as if something vacuumed the air out of me.
After all these months of trying to move on and forget about everything, I knew I wasn't just burying him under shallow grounds - I was also burying myself with him. No matter how much denying I do to myself every night, I still end up cherishing and crying to all those bittersweet memories.
I slowly looked up to Ursula. She was only a few centimeters taller than me. She had that saddened look. I don't know why she was looking at me with those eyes stricken with grief, I was nothing but mean to her and to everyone else in the committee. But still, she gave me those eyes that saw and realized how broken I was despite the mean façade I've been putting on.
"Mistress? Are you okay?" She asked again, with worry in her voice.
In her eyes I saw my own reflection, I understood why she suddenly gave me such a look - I saw my own eyes brimming with tears I haven't noticed.
Though nothing fell yet, my vision started to get blurry.
I heard their footsteps coming closer and I still stood there frozen, the world taking away all my sense of feeling, leaving me with only pain and misery.
I didn't give her any answer for I was afraid that my voice would come out as hoarse as I expected it to be.
"Brianna...?" I heard him call out behind me. It was then I realized I was getting no real progress about forgetting him, because his voice was still as sweet as the one I treasured in my memories. My memories, all of them weren't fading as I thought of them would be. They were just as fresh as they were years back. But still, it didn't mean that I wasn't trying to bury them.
I'll tell you something, you won't need friends, I'll make sure I'll be all the kinds of friend you need!
Come on Brianna, stop crying already, I don't have to be looking out for you always. You said it yourself right?
I'll always be here for you so don't be afraid to call out my name anytime.
As long as you're still a brat I have no choice but to continue looking out for you, well it's not like I'm bothered by it.
I may not look like your typical guardian but hey I'm an expert at looking out troublesome girls like you!
Come here and let me hug you, it may not be much and I'm sorry.
If you wanna kill yourself that badly you do it somewhere else. You really are a stupid brat.
Every memory I buried came crawling out of the surface one by one like the undead. Especially that night when I confessed to him, the night I last saw his face. Leaving him with such a pained expression wasn't planned at all. But I wasn't able to help it.
Drew, I admired you, ever since you saved me from that accident. I don't know what I'll do if you'll ever leave me. You're all that I have left now that my grandma's dead and my parents separated. I love you and you are all that I have left. You are what keeps me together. Please don't leave me.
I hesitated turning around. I knew that once I would do that, all the progress I've done of trying to forget him will be put to waste, that I'll be throwing it all away. Warm tears started to fall down from my eyes. Unlike those nights of crying alone, these tears came out warmer and more mournful.
I now know that nothing will change no matter how many months or years will pass, even before we met he had always loved her and I was never that girl and I'll never be that girl. Not even forever could make me that girl.
And yet, I still turned around and faced him. From that act alone, I willingly betrayed everything about myself. Deny it all I want but deep inside I missed him so bad. I knew he would cut me with new and fresh incurable wounds but right now that don't seem to matter to me.
I've been lonely. And I know I am horrible at it.
I didn't say anything and sniffed a sob.
"I see..." Drew heaved a relaxed sigh. "So you still haven't change huh."
"Dumbass...." I murmured.
I would have added 'I know you're not here for me.' If only my voice didn't falter.
...
"Sorry I'm late Brianna!" Maybelle called out, breaking my trip down memory lane. "I woke up really late this morning." She gave me an awkward chuckle.
I pulled up the sleeves of my red sweater and checked the time on my watch.
9:50AM
I puffed out a cold wintry breath. "If I only knew you'd sleep like a dead tree then maybe I could have prepared myself better."
It was a cold Wednesday morning, despite with the freezing temperature there were still a lot of people in the mall. Two more days before the Christmas Party and with the events that happened recently, I don't know if I should even bother buying a gift and attending the party.
"What?!" She screeched. "Who was it that beat me to a pulp yesterday?" She clipped her hips and raised an eyebrow at me.
I eyed her quickly. It seemed that she still hasn't fully recovered from my beating last night, well that was no surprise. She had a pair of white clean patch on both of her cheeks and a few subtle bruises on her lips.
"Apology accepted." I answered quickly and started to walk ahead looking for an ice cream shop since I owe her for saving me that night.
After Maybelle passed out, Drew came running towards us with a medical team. They quickly applied first aid on her. The medics were having a problem dealing with me last night, I was throwing a fit like a rabid maniac. It was like seeing armed men subduing an enraged bear. I was wailing so hard, I hugged my legs and laid on the grass as I kept on bawling like crazy. I howled, I screamed. It was the night that I totally lost it. Not that it was my first time, there were some moments the previous months when I would just break down and lose it all for hours in the bathroom.
With everything that happened last night, everything just came down on me and I wasn't able to help myself.
I was a big nuisance, even I admit that.
The next thing I knew I was already in my bed as the warm early rays of sunrise filtered through the curtains of my windows. I woke up back to my usual easily-irritated and apathetic demeanor.
As for Maybelle, I got a text message last night from Drew that she would like to see me at the mall around 9AM. I wasn't able to remember what happened afterwards last night but I guess Drew brought her home.
I took another quick glance at the brunette behind me.
With those white patches on her cheeks, it was supposed to make her look so damaged that she would be unrecognizable with the background and a total eyesore. But despite having those patches, she still had that beautiful glow around her that I couldn't really explain.
I may only have taken a two-second look on her but that was more than enough to make me acknowledge the superiority she has against me. Her deep ocean blue eyes would glimmer faint light beautifully. And her tied chestnut locks, not only that it smelled of wild summer Jasmine, it also reflected whatever dim winter light from the glass roofing and the overcrowded clouds of winter above. Her lips, though bruised, still curved perfectly. For a girl to have such dazzling qualities, no wonder Drew fell in love with her.
Has she been this beautiful ever since?
All the bruises I did on her didn't seem to affect her beauty at all. Rather than ruin it, the bruises only seemed to highlight her simplistic and natural yet exquisitely captivating charm even more. It was beauty that far exceeded outside appearance. Her aura emanated warmness and gentleness that made me forget that it was snowing lightly outside.
She was perfect, maybe even too perfect. I stood nowhere near her, not even close to her shadow.
It was beauty that doesn't exist in me.
"Hey!" She called out as she followed me from behind. "Wait up!"
"What kind flavor of ice cream do you want?" I asked without looking back at her. "Let's just get this done and over with, I wanna go home already."
"We're doing that already?" She stopped walking and asked.
"Huh?" I looked back at her and dropped my shoulders. "What else would we do here?"
She smiled awkwardly and fidgeted her fingers with her scarlet scarf. "Well, you see, I haven't bought anything yet and there's only two more days-"
"No." I cut her off. "This isn't part of the deal."
"But-"
"No!" I quickly turned around and continued walking.
With the event that happened last night, the last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with the noisy girl that reopened the wounds of my past and made them all bleed again.
"Brianna!" She ran her fastest and made her way in front of me. "I, I mean, please just this once?" She pleaded.
I was about to refuse when my stomach responded on my behalf by growling.
Goddamit.
"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't let me wait for almost an hour." I rolled my eyes.
"I'll pay lunch!" She replied quickly, her voice glued with hope.
"Fine then.." I sighed and felt my head. "It's not like I have any other choice anyway."
Weird and unnatural as it may seem for her to be this chummy with me, I just let it slip. It was as if I hadn't beaten her last night. Well, it's not that I care anyway.
Once this day is over I can go back to being alone with myself.
I shrugged as we continued going up an escalator to the second floor of the mall's left wing.
After reaching the second floor, we took a sharp turn ahead of a small pastry shop. Maybelle started to walk beside me and I couldn't help but notice that she was a tiny bit taller than me, maybe by an inch or two.
I must be too short to be attractive. I puffed out another wintry breath.
"So where are we going to look first?" I asked. "The sooner we get this done the better."
"Yeah right, uh, let's try that gift shop." She pointed to a poorly-illuminated shop ahead.
As I've feared, she wasn't able to find something to buy. So we exited the shop and looked around for more gift shops. It took us about ten minutes to find the next one and still she wasn't able to find something to buy. It irritated me a bit but the only thing, well maybe, that kept me together was her promise of taking care of our lunch.
"You won't buy something for the upcoming party?" She asked as we exited the third shop we looked into.
"I don't know." I gave her an honest reply. "I don't think I'll be at the party."
"Oh...okay." She replied slowly, as if she felt sorry for even asking such a thing. "Let's just take our lunch!" She followed immediately. "Man I'm so hungry."
I rolled my eyes and followed the brunette that walked ahead of me.
Before we found a restaurant, we passed by a pet store. I'm usually not the kind of person that would keep on looking around since I would just keep my look straight ahead. But this time, it was different. A particular scenario caught my eye - a family with a son and daughter was looking at a bunch of puppies in the cage.
I paused and saw how they were all excited to buy all four puppies. It reminded me of my own family. It made me suppress a bittersweet smile from forming across my face.
When they were all done, I noticed that there was one puppy left inside the cage. That meant the family only took three puppies. It made me wonder why so I moved in closer.
It was then I found out that the little guy lacked his left front leg. It must have been due to a birth defect or an accident. I crouched down and took a closer look at him when he barked playfully. It made me flinch in surprise.
I gave him a sad smile and he barked at me playfully again. He kept on panting air as he kept on circling around the cage limping due to his lost leg.
For a puppy to have such a condition, he was still as playful as his other siblings earlier. He kept his playful grin as if he was immune to the cold temperature of winter. His soft white fur may have covered his eyes but it wasn't that hard to know that he was genuinely happy.
"Hey young lady." Someone, who I recognized as the store manager, called out. "Would you like to buy this little guy?" He asked as he stroked his beard. "Since he lacked a leg, I'll give him to you at a forty percent discount." He offered. "What'd you say?"
Offers were supposed to entice you, well that's how they usually work, but the moment he started saying about the discount my blood started boiling for some reason.
"Discount?" I slowly stood up and bit my lips. "Why? Just because he lacked a leg? Is that it?" Compared to my tiny built, he was a huge man, maybe around late 30's. So when I tried pushing him off I barely budge him. It made me angrier.
Hey, hey it's that girl again. Brianna Wattson, was it? I heard she was unplanned.
Yeah she was supposed to be aborted.
She's so gloomy. I think it's best to leave her alone.
I don't know if I should be friends with her, everybody seems to avoid her.
Hey don't stare at her!
Just ignore her.
What a pity.
Let's just play on our own.
"JUST BECAUSE HE LACKED A LEG DOESN'T MEAN HE'S LESS OF A PUPPY! HOW DARE YOU DECIDE VALUE ON THAT KIND OF STUPIDITY! JUST BECAUSE HE'S A PUPPY, JUST BECAUSE HE'S INCAPABLE OF ADDRESSING OR UNDERSTANDING THINGS GOING ON AROUND, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE UNFAIR DECISIONS JUST LIKE THAT! YOU'RE JUST NO ONE. YOU'RE NOT EVEN HIS PARENTS. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY OVER HIS VALUE OR PUTTING HIS VALUE LESSER COMPARED TO OTHERS! HE IS WORTH MILLIONS THAN YOU!"
I kept on shouting and pushing him, my rage becoming unstoppable. I knew I was attracting unnecessary attention nearby but I just couldn't help myself. Something inside me throbbed horribly and it pained me so much. I would have just taken it silently if it was just me, but he was just a mere puppy. He had no idea to the injustice of what's going on around him.
He deserved better. He doesn't deserve the kind of treatment I went through.
"Don't you know how painful it is when you're unwanted? Don't you know how awful it is when all you ever want is to lead a normal life yet everyone just pushes you away?" I clenched my fist hard and stopped punching him.
I glanced back at the puppy and he gave me another pipsqueak cheerful bark. He was happy despite all of these happening around him. He sat up and continuously licked his small vestigial leg. He really deserved better.
"Don't you know how lonely it is when you're placed at a lesser value because of something you have no control over with?"
He really was huge. But to my surprise, he fell down on the floor dumbfounded. He was shocked at the words I threw at him, maybe even more than shocked.
It was then I felt someone hug me from behind. I was caught off guard so I struggled hard only to face that it was Maybelle. I slowly stopped struggling and tried so hard to control my abrasive breathing.
Hey, hey it's that girl again. Brianna Wattson, was it? I heard she was unplanned.
Yeah she was supposed to be aborted.
She's so gloomy. I think it's best to leave her alone.
I don't know if I should be friends with her, everybody seems to avoid her.
Just ignore her.
What a pity.
"These memories, please make them stop!" I screamed. "I beg!"
I knelt down and clamped my chest. I was no longer in charge of my own breathing. I looked up to Maybelle with my pained expression as she tried patting my back.
"Brianna!" She snapped a finger in front of me. "Look at me! Follow my breathing. Look at me." She commanded and took hold of me.
I felt my chest beating wildly and painfully. My chest felt like they were on fire. My eyes blurred and my body trembled like crazy.
I was starting to feel faint, I still had no control over my breathing. But once I saw her, I felt strength surging from me. Her strong and beautiful blue eyes gave me immeasurable amount of strength. She had the same eyes as my grandmother and Drew, eyes that give strength.
And slowly I was able to maintain my breathing. I almost collapsed on her. I panted out a few deep breaths before looking back at the shocked store manager.
"Loneliness was never meant to kill. But have you ever been so lonely that sometimes you just wish that it could?"
It was the last thing I said before leaving the store. Maybelle and I pushed through the crowd and after that I broke down in her embrace.
"Just let it all out Brianna." I heard her say as she carried me by the shoulders. "You were really courageous and admirable out there."
"Shut up witch..."
"Now let's go look for some place to eat." She answered as she helped me clean myself up.
"Where the hell are the damn restaurants in this damn huge mall?" I vented out.
Maybelle's only answer was a soft chuckle as we continued walking ahead.
"For such a small person you sure have a small fuse. No wonder."
"I told you to shut up already."
"There, there.." She teased me as she patted my head.
I removed her hand from my head and frowned at her. "I don't remember you being this chummy with me."
"We're not friends so it's not like it matters right?" She smiled as she looked up at the huge glass chandelier hanging by the ceiling. "Sometimes, you just need to spend a little time with anyone."
I looked at her with puzzled eyes.
"Even if that someone is your enemy or rival. Or someone you hate." She added. "Or someone who hates you, for that matter."
She might be pretty, but she was also pretty insane. What the hell is her problem?
I soon followed her gaze and watch at the huge hanging glass chandelier. We were completely indifferent to the thick passing crowd around us. Everyone seemed to have glued with the background.
"What a beautiful sight..." Maybelle murmured as she tucked some strayed hair behind her ear.
I've been spending most of my time alone. Maybe spending a bit of time with her wouldn't be that much different. And she was right, we hate each other, it's not like it mattered.
Even though it was still daytime, with the glass roofing and the dim lighting of the overpopulated clouds above, the Christmas lights and trappings above was captivating. How much more when it will be night time? Just thinking about it made me feel a foreign kind of excitement.
"Yeah, I agree..." I smiled subtly. "...May."
She slowly looked at me and smiled.
"I like that better."
End
Chapter Twenty Three: Value