We told Steve everything and he completely freaked out.
"What were you guys thinking? Someone could've been killed!" He exploded.
"Technically he was already dead" Tom giggled.
"Do you think this is funny?" Steve scolded.
"Kind of, yeah" Tom couldn't stop himself. Seeing the furious stares that he was getting from Steve, I'm glad that I was able to keep it together.
Steve had every reason to be losing his shit. The street was filled with angry funeral guests. It was another lynch mob, I was stunned that they weren't carrying pitchforks and flaming torches. Aside from them, the place was crawling with cops too.
They were combing the scene for evidence of foul play, which Christian had been screaming over and over again. Honestly. I heard him.
"Foul play! Foul play! Foul play!"
We were all terrified of what they'd find. We technically all had an alibi though, we were at work. It just didn't help matters that our work was in the same place as the crime scene.
We were all questioned multiple times, but instead of being labelled as "suspects" we were all interviewed as "witnesses". The officer I had to deal with really couldn't believe that he'd been assigned this case.
"Now Mr. Cusack, did you see anyone suspicious in the area that morning?" He asked nonchalantly.
"No sir. This isn't the type of area that those sort of people usually hang around in. I mean, who wants to break into a funeral home right?" I asked while laughing nervously. The answer to my question was me apparently.
"Only a dumbass" He shrugged. Thanks officer.
The end result was this. No one was hurt except for Christian's two vehicles, which his insurance were willing to pay out on due to the likely event that there was a fault with the hearse and it was a manufacturing issue. I have to give Tom credit for doing a very thorough job with his sabotage.
As we were all leaving the officers and heading back to Eternal Wings to catch some Brooklyn Nine Nine (it seemed appropriate after all of our interactions with the police) we were chased down by Christian.
"You aren't going to get away with this you bastards! I told you you'll pay and you will!"
"Here we go again" Aaron rolled his eyes at our rat like opponent.
"How can you let them get away with this?" He pleaded with the police officers.
"Mr. Goldstein, please leave these gentlemen alone" Said the bored cop I'd spoken with earlier.
"Technically, he just threatened us right in front of you" Tom pointed out.
"Please be quiet Mr. Sanders" He said.
"Maybe I should have become a cop so I could teach y'all about manners!" Tom replied.
"Come on Tom. Let's get out of here" I said, ushering my chubby friend back to our home.
"I'm telling you!" Christian begged. "They broke into my funeral parlour and ruined my funerals!"
The policeman looked at him sceptically.
"Mr. Goldstein, do you really think they would be that stupid?" He asked.
I took that as our cue to leave. My smile was way too obvious for me to hide it any longer.
Christian didn't come to see us, both on the advice of the police and the fact that he still had a body to bury. I was amazed to hear that the rest of that funeral went off without a hitch. I still doubted that he'd be hosting anymore any time soon.
I was proved right a few days later once Steve came running through to see us in the den. We all thought that we were about to get fired.
"Guys! You aren't going to believe what's happened!" Steve cried.
"Is something wrong?" Aaron asked him.
"Not at all! In fact, everything is great! Christian called me and he's cancelled his takeover!"
"He did what?" I asked in astonishment.
"Yeah! He said that we won and he didn't want any part of this side of town ever again"
"Just like that?" Asked Aaron. Steve shrugged.
"Well that was easy" Joked Tom.
Of course, in hindsight I now know that he'd spoken too soon. But more on that later.
Our business picked up straight away. We received so many more calls, emails and visits than I'd ever seen us get before. The increase was so huge that I almost did call the police to see if there was a serial killer on the loose. It had never occurred to me before how much business Christian had really taken away from us.
We had all been given a huge emotional lift too. Obviously, we remained stoic and stern faced when dealing with the customers, but in private we were over the moon. Contrary to popular belief, when driving a hearse we don't sit in silence, we always have the radio on at as a low background noise to ease the tension we feel when transporting a former living vessel. But now, Tom was getting a little carried away.
"What are you doing?" I asked him as he began messing around with the stereo.
"I thought we could have a celebratory song and dance. You know, since Christian actually seems to be leaving us alone" He replied.
"Well can't that wait? We have a body to deliver" I reminded him, pointing at our silent passenger. We'd triple checked everything in our cars to make sure that there'd been no tampering done to them. You never know what kind of shady people are going about . . .
"Relax! The old lady will love it! Didn't her son say that she used to love to dance?" He smiled.
"If she starts dancing, I'm getting out of here!" I told him.
Tom didn't answer but instead, continued messing with the radio before finally tuning it in to connect with his IPod.
"This is what I'm talking about!" He screamed with joy as Carly Rae Jepson began blaring out both speakers and scaring all the surrounding birds away off the Eternal Wings property.
"Is this really necessary?" I asked.
"Would I do it if it wasn't?" He countered. Once again I figured that arguing with Tom was futile, so I just let it happen. I tried to resist for as long as possible but that song is just way too catchy.
Let me tell you, driving a hearse, carrying a dead body and singing along to "Call Me Maybe" is something I'm going to remember for the rest of my life. And not necessarily for the right reasons.
That night, we all returned to the bar that we went to after my first funeral. Even Steve had joined us for this one.
"It's good to see you out of work" I said to him as we carried everyone's drinks from the bar to our table.
"It's good to be out for a change. I know that I've been a little hard on you guys lately but it feels so good to just watch all your stresses float away" He smiled.
"Does that mean you forgive us for doing all that dumb shit?" Tom asked.
"Absolutely not. I'll never forgive you for that" Steve replied.
"Bastard" Whispered Tom, just loud enough for Steve to hear him.
"But I will also never forget that you guys did all that for me. I'm more grateful than I could ever say"
"Don't worry about it Steve" Aaron patted him on the back. We all repeated the gesture.
"Say Steve, did you ever sort that shit out with your son?" Aaron asked. It was a good question. With all the crazy things that had been going on, we'd all forgotten about it.
"I think so" He answered. "I told him that we don't bury people alive because that's mean"
"You're not wrong" I chuckled.
"I didn't think it was working so I told him that if he doesn't stop bullying the other kids then it might be him that goes in the incinerator next instead of a corpse. That seems to have done the trick"
We all waited for Steve to laugh, smile or give any other sign that he was joking but it never came.
"Are you serious?" I finally asked. He nodded, still not cracking.
"Steve. That is the sickest thing I've ever heard of in my life. I am so proud of you" Tom deadpanned.
We were enjoying ourselves so much that night that we decided to go to a nightclub once again. We even made a bet to see whose partner would be most annoyed that we weren't coming home for a few hours. Well, I say that but we all bet on Vanessa taking it worse than Naomi, Steve's wife or "sad funeral chick" as she was saved under in Tom's phone. Aaron argued his case but ultimately lost.
"She's upset because we were going to try and decide on a venue this weekend" He said after getting off the phone to her, absorbing an unnatural amount of abuse.
"Why don't you just have it at Eternal Wings? It'll save a fortune" Tom shrugged.
"I don't want to get married in a funeral home" Aaron sighed.
"You ruin everything" Tom said in mock despair.
We hit the club and continued our fun night. We drank more beers, moved onto vodka and even tried our hand at tequila. We danced around like idiots and watched Tom trying to chat up, and being turned down by pretty much every girl in the place. The night seemed to be too much for Steve though, as in his drunken haze, started to cry and kept hugging us all.
"Steve. This is getting a bit gay now" Tom told him, his patience clearly wearing thin.
"I'm sorry guys!" Steve wailed. Perhaps this was the real reason he never came out. "It's just that I love you guys so much! When I die I want you three to organise everything!"
"Well that's depressing" I mumbled.
"And I won't even care if you shuffle the cats in my casket!" Steve slurred again. "I kind of like those furry guys!"
"Time to get him home?" Aaron shrugged.
"Definitely" Tom and I agreed in unison.