"So you wanna come?"
I bit my lip, running the question over and over in my head. Could I go to Cassie's party? No. I couldn't. There was no way that I could leave Hunter on his own. He would do something. Drink, cut, punch holes in every wall. I couldn't imagine what might happen. What if he had a nightmare and I wasn't there to comfort him? If he got so scared he hurt himself? If he went as far to try and kill himself again? I cringed at the thought of returning to his body. I couldn't do that.
I shook my head. "Sorry,"
"What? Why?"
"I told you Hunter had issues," I reminded her. She nodded understandingly and I sighed. "Chris is working night shifts. I can't leave him alone. Sorry,"
"Well bring him?" She suggested. "Come on, it's not like he doesn't drink. It'd be a good chance for him to make friends. He can stay with you. It'll be a laugh, come on."
She grabbed my arm, pulling me up from the couch and dragged me into my room. I protested, knowing that if Hunter was in a bad mood then she would be terrified but she didn't listen and barged in.
Thankfully, Hunter was sat on his bed listening to My Chemical Romance. They always put him in a good mood so he would be ok.
"Cassie-"
"Hey Hunter," she smiled, dropping down onto his bed. For a split second her eyes scanned his scars on his legs and arms but she snapped out of it. "You drink, right?" He nodded. "It's my 17th birthday and I'm having a party tonight. Do you wanna come?"
"No," he muttered.
"Why not? There'll be drink, there'll be girls. Who knows, you might even get lucky," she playfully nudged his arm and I cringed. I didn't want to think of Hunter with another girl. It wasn't that I was jealous, it was that I cared. He was too vulnerable. If he went to this party and got so drunk that he had sex with a girl, the next morning he would feel like shit. He'd feel like a whore. And I couldn't handle him feeling like that.
"Kat's going," Cassie added.
Hunter looked at me for a brief moment and then looked down to his hands. "Yeah ok,"
"Really? Aw that's great!" She grinned, giving him an awkward hug which he didn't respond to. She pulled back nervously. "Well I've gotta go but I'll see you both at mine, 8 o'clock, ok? See you!"
Cassie skipped out of the room and I fell down on Hunter's bed. My head ended up on his lap and I looked up at him with raised eye-brows.
"Hunter? Party? Really?"
"You're going,"
"I wasn't going to," I admitted. "Chris is on a night shift. Cassie only asked you because she knew that I'd never leave you here alone,"
"Why not?"
"You know why," I murmured. "But if you wanna go to this party, then you can. You can even fuck off and meet new people as long as you let me know you're ok every once in a while. Ok?"
"Ok," he smiled a little bit.
*
I wasn't sure if Hunter had made an effort with his appearance but he looked nice. After hours of lounging around in his briefs, he showered and came out looking like a different person. His hair was shaggier than usual and fell in a perfect mess above his eyes. He looked nice.
Cassie's house wasn't too far away and it only took us about 10 minutes to get there. Hunter had taken a few shots of vodka before leaving the flat and i hadn't questioned it. I wanted him to feel comfortable around people tonight.
Now we where in Cassie's. She'd greeted us with drunken hugs and eventually ran off to see more people. Me and Hunter made our way through to the kitchen and I pulled his vodka out of my bag. He'd made it pretty clear that he was just going to share with me and even that meant that he was going to take more of it anyway.
Hunter leaned in close to me and sent shivers down my ear. "I'm going for a fag,"
"Want me to come with you?"
He shook his head, casually sliding away from me as he did so. I sighed, unsure of what to do. I kept hold of the vodka, knowing that Hunter would kill someone if I let it out of sight and I wandered around. I bumped into a few girls from my English class and pretended to care as they forced me to listen about what boys were cute or not.
It was only when they pointed to one boy that I actually showed interest.
"Cassie is so lucky to be kissing him,"
Cassie was kissing someone? I turned around, hoping that it was one of the boys she'd gone on about for hours back at the flat. I was immediatley thrown back though. For what I saw in front of me was not what I had planned to see.
Hunter was kissing Cassie.
It wasn't just a kiss either. It was a full on, clearly sexual, desperate attempt for her to get into his pants. It pissed me off. The way she had her hands around him, the way she bit fiercely at his lip. Hunter wasn't doing much other than responding with his lips and I guess I knew why. Of course he wouldn't have sex with her. He wouldn't have sex with anyone. He couldn't.
"Kat, you ok?"
I ignored the girls, staring straight ahead without knowing what to think. It was only when Hunter pulled away and turned his head round to face me that I snapped out of it. He gazed right through me, the same clueless expression on his face as mine. Cassie jumped up to kiss his neck and he bit his lip, tensing up in what seemed like pleasure.
No. I didn't want to see that. I couldn't see that.
I turned away instantly, walking through the crowds of people until I finally got into the back garden. I set my bag down and leaned against the wall. Luckily no one else was out and I had time to gather my thoughts.
A shadow appeared next to mine and I jumped.
"Fuck!"
I turned around, facing Hunter. He stood there emotionlessly. His hands were sagging down and his eyes were dark. Red marks covered one side of his neck and he awkwardly took a step towardds me.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I snapped.
"Seriously, what is it?"
I sighed. "You were kissing her, Hunter!"
He shrugged his shoulders. "So?"
"Hunter, you can barely let Chris hug you! You still flinch when I hold you! How can you kiss her so easily like it doesn't even bother you? Why would you even let her kiss you in the first place?"
"You jealous?"
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously? I'm not jealous,"
"Then why are you so pissed off?"
I groaned in frustration, unsure of what to say. "You're one to talk. You're always pissed off,"
"But you know why,"
"Do i?" I snarled. "Because Hunter, I'm not sure anymore. You clearly fucking enjoyed having her lips all over you. How come you can enjoy that but me and Chris can barely touch you? Are you faking it?"
"Shut up!" He screamed.
"Well I don't know anymore! You clearly liked it back there!"
"I didn't like it!"
"So why did you do it?!"
He groaned out in frustration, turning around before furiously slamming his fist against the wall. At first it took me by surprise and I had to take a few moments before I could respond. But then he punched at the wall again, and again, and again until he knuckles were cut and bloody.
Then he sank down to the floor with his head in his hands, breathing in sharply and pulling at his hair.
I carefully knealed down, the sight sobering me up almost immediatley. I thought back on what I had said, realizing what emotions I must have caused. And I reached forwards, touching Hunter's knee.
"Fuck off," he hissed.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "Hunter, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Of course I know you're not faking it. I wasn't jealous, I was just shocked. That's all. I was drunk and I handled it in the wrong way,"
"You fucking did," he cried out. He looked up at me with desperate eyes. "She kissed me! I just kissed back because I wanted to know if it was different from...from when-"
I nodded before he could speak. "I know,"
"It wasn't different," he admitted. "It was the same. I knew it was Cassie but he was still there. He was still fucking there and then I saw you and you were looking at me like-"
"Hunter, I'm sorry." i said sincerely. "I'm sorry,"
He nodded, willingly taking my hands as I offered them out to him. I pulled him up and he stared into my eyes, making me feel so insecure.
I forced a smile. "Let's go home,"
*
I walked into our room and found Hunter sat on my bed. He'd removed his jeans but kept his shirt on and sat clutching the almost finished vodka bottle.
"Still feel bad," i admitted as i headed over to him. I sat at his knees, reaching for the bottle which he easily gave to me. "You know I didn't mean it. I was just, being a bitch, I guess."
"I would've done the same," he murmured.
"What do you mean?"
"If you were kissing a guy. Would've been worse though,"
I nodded. "What would you have done?"
"Called you a whore," he said quietly. "And hit the guy,"
"Kissing someone doesn't make you a whore," I explained as gently as I could. "I know that you've been brought up to think otherwise, but it's not true. Deep down, you know it isn't."
"Felt like one though," he mumbled.
"It's not supposed to be like that though," I took his hands, trying my best to get him to understand. "When you kiss someone, you're supposed to like it. You're supposed to find it pleasureable. It's a sign of affection. it's what you do when you love someone, or when you care about someone."
"But i don't love her," he slurred. "And i don't care about her,"
"Still doesn't make you a whore,"
"What does it make me?"
"Drunk," I grinned. He rolled his eyes and smiled a little. "Really though, one day you'll kiss someone and you'll love it. One day, you'll be able to do other things with a girl and you're going to love it. You'll feel good about yourself. You wont feel like this. I promise,"
"Feel like that with you," he murmured.
My eyes shot wide open. "What?"
"I like holding your hand. It doesn't make me feel bad," he explained and I nodded in agreement. I wasn't sure what to say to that. Really it just made me want to suffocate him in a hug but that would probably end up with me getting a black eye. So I just smiled and brushed my fingertips over his cut knuckles.
Hunter looked up at me with a small blush creeping over his dimpled cheeks. He squeezed my hands and bit awkwardly at his lip ring.
"What?" i asked, knowing full well that he only did that when something was wrong
"Wanna ask you something," he mumbled. "But it's stupid,"
"I'm still pretty drunk, I might not remember it." I tried to assure him.
He shook his head, pulling his hands away and awkwardly turning away from me. I dived forwards, needing to hear what he had to say and carefully pulled him back around. I placed myself on his lap, both of my legs wrapping around his back and holding him there by his shoulders. He shyly looked down and I pressed my forehead against his.
"Hunter,"
"Can't say it," he said.
"You can though," i assured him. "Come on, it's ok. I promise, whatever it is, it'll be ok."
He sighed, slowly bringing his head up. He stared straight into my eyes and I felt my stomach ache in nerves. I tried to keep my breathing normal but he was scaring me. I had no idea what he was going to do and it terrified me. Had kissing Cassie really affected him this much? I was so scared. I didn't want him to tell mwe that he wanted to hurt himself or that he already had when I was out the room. It was terrifying me. No. I couldn't. I had to know what he wanted to say before the tears threatening in my eyes spilled all over us both.
"Hunter-"
He leaned forwards and silenced me, gently brushing his lips against my own and trembling as he did so. I was in shock as he ever so carefully kissed me, feeling my stomach go in knots as I kissed him back. His lips were cracked and bitten and the cold material of his lip ring dug into my skin but I liked it. I felt myself pushing up against him, wanting more, needing more.
But he pulled away.
I slowly opened my eyes, not recalling when I had even closed them. I looked at Hunter, sat staring directly back at me with shaky lips. He sucked in sharp breaths and I snapped out of my daze, knowing I had to say something.
"Hunter-"
I didn't have time to say anything more before he jumped up. He pulled himself away from me, jumping up to his feet and grabbing the vodka bottle from the floor. He ignored me as I climbed out of bed after him and he rushed out of the room before I could confront him.
I felt my head spin and dropped back down onto the bed. What had just happened? Why had Hunter just kissed me? Why had I kissed him back?
Why had I liked it?