Once again, bear with me. This is an important part of the story which I'll get to in a little bit. But first I need to take care of this.
Despite Christian's new parlour across the road and the failure of our videos, business hadn't totally dried up yet. Aaron guessed that Steve was going to wait for the whole month to reap whatever profits he could and then sell to Christian at the last minute. It was basically a done deal and it sucked but it made good business sense. We'd kind of given up on trying to drum up extra business for the time being, and instead turned our attentions to what customers we already had. Word of mouth is the best advert anyway right?
Steve came into the den around 10am and called on Tom.
"I need to nip away out to the kids' school for a bit. Apparently my son's told some kid that I'll bury him alive if he doesn't give him his lunch money so I need to go and sort that out"
"Sounds like a nice kid" Tom nodded.
"I need you to log the details of this next funeral. It's a Mr. Smith who wants us to take care of his wife. We'll perform the service at their local church and bury her here next to her sister. They want the black hearse and a wine reception afterwards. Just log all that into the diary and I'll arrange it all when I get back"
"Yes sir!" Tom saluted the boss.
When Steve left I asked "Did he say black hearse? I thought they were all black?" At least all the ones I'd seen before were.
"Usually yeah" Aaron answered. "But we do have a white one just on the off chance someone asks for it. People do weird things for funerals sometimes"
"Seriously?" I asked. I literally couldn't picture a white hearse.
"Oh yeah. We've only actually used the white on once though. Last year we had this guy who was a massive racist. Demanded the white hearse, white suits for everyone and even asked us if there was such thing as white soil" Tom informed me.
"And is there?" I smiled.
"Yeah. If it's covered in bird shit"
"That is pretty weird" I agreed.
"That's not even the weirdest thing either" Said Aaron. "We once had to do a service for a seven year old kid. It was awful. He had cancer so they knew he was going to die but it was still tragic. Anyway, his dad was a huge motorcycle fan and he wanted to drive his son's coffin to the graveyard so Steve somehow got him a motorbike with a mini hearse as sidecar. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Almost as weird as that" He pointed towards an open coffin.
We turned to look and saw Geoffrey sitting on top of a dead man's face.
"Shit! Fuck off Geoffrey!" Tom shrieked as he chased the cat away from the poor corpse.
I could have asked any number of questions, but all I really wanted to know was where all these strange vehicles were? I hadn't seen them in the car park or the neighbouring streets. Did we have a secret Bat-cave under the building?
Anyway, back to the point of this chapter.
My dad once told me that garbage men make loads of money. Well, maybe not loads but at least a good wage. This is because nobody wants to do their job but obviously someone has to. So as a result the rewards are pretty good. The same could be said for my current occupation too. No one wants to work with dead people but someone has to. Either that or Steve is just very generous.
Anyway, I figured I would finally put my not quite millions to good use.
Naomi finally asked if I wanted to meet up with her again and do something. I replied with a suggestion and then promptly went for a three hour walk without my phone. I was terrified that she would hate the idea.
Luckily though, she loved it so we went out to one of the poshest restaurants in town. Or so I thought. I think some places misunderstand what posh actually means. This place was totally French. It looked like any ordinary fancy restaurant but the menu, both dishes and ingredients, were all in French, which you can probably tell I don't speak. I do speak Spanish though! Pero que no iba a ayudarme aqui! Which means that wasn't going to help me here! Even the wine list was in French so I got the waiter to get us the cheapest good bottle. I was trying to impress Naomi obviously, but I was also keeping up the ruse that I was a well paid banker. So I was really just trying to act like I belonged here.
We ordered the same dish, praying that it wasn't anything to do with snails or frogs. Thankfully it turned out to be chicken. Perfect.
Naomi looked great, just like she had when we first met. Her hair was tied into a ponytail and she was wearing this cute white jumper. God, I sound like a girl. Anyway, I was so nervous about tonight. The only time she'd really liked me was when she'd been drinking, and even worse, the only time I was ever funny was when I'd been drinking. Sure we'd spoken every day over text and stuff but this was different. I was too scared to ask Tom and Aaron for advice so just kept reminding myself that she'd already seen my little jimmy and hadn't laughed. That was a huge reassurance, believe me!
"So what's it like working in a bank?" She asked after we'd finished our food. I was pretty quiet for a long time. I wasn't expecting her to ask, she was supposed to be bored of banking!
"It can be pretty stressful" I told her, figuring that a banker wasn't totally different from a funeral director right? "Let's just say that I don't always see people at their best"
You may be saying to yourself that I shouldn't be lying to her but you have to understand something. I really liked her and I didn't want anything to get in the way of whatever the hell was happening between us. And besides, dead people isn't exactly dinner table conversation right?
"It must keep you pretty busy though. Are you there every day?" She asked.
"I am"
"Except Sunday obviously since banks are closed then" She giggled.
"Oh yeah. That's right" I nodded nervously. I couldn't believe I had forgotten that.
"So what's with going out every Saturday night? I mean, I get that you need to have fun and stuff but why that?"
Aaron said that Vanessa understood once she knew the truth. But I wasn't ready to give up yet.
"The weekends, Saturday, is the worst. Everyone seems to want to bank then" I told her.
"That's pretty weird. Does that mean that it's dead through the week?"
"You could say that" I laughed.
We paid the (ridiculously expensive) bill and then began walking to where she was going to catch a bus home. I'd offered to drive her home but she reminded me that we'd both been drinking and I hadn't taken my car. Smooth, Sam. Real smooth.
"Can I ask you something?" She said. I was tempted to point out that she just did but I figured that was a bad plan.
"Sure" I settled on.
"Why are you so nervous all the time?" Naomi caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting that question.
"I'm not nervous"
"You're not?"
"No. I'm terrified" I laughed, as did she.
"Why?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm just not that good at talking to people" I shrugged.
"But you are!" She stopped and turned to face me. "You're really nice, you're funny and you apparently really love hygiene" She grinned. I could only laugh nervously. I'd forgotten until then about the first thing I'd said to her. "You do tend to ramble on a bit though" She said.
"Yeah I do do that" I admitted.
"I know what it's like to not know anyone. I started at the university and didn't know anyone" Said Naomi.
"So how did you get over it?" I asked her.
"I didn't. Not really. But eventually you have to talk to people, you know. Whether it's about work or assignments or just about food or sports or whatever. You don't know until you try" She smiled as if to tell me she wasn't meaning to give me a lecture. I knew she wasn't but I appreciated the gesture all the same.
"Thanks. I guess I'm getting better. I'm still super nervous right now though" I said.
"Oh trust me I've noticed"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Well I have been standing here for the last five minutes waiting for you to kiss me" She smirked.
"Oh" I said in surprise. And then stood in an awkward silence for a few moments because that's just what I do. "I guess I better do that then" I finally shrugged.
"Yes. Please do" She laughed.
So that's when I did it. I stepped up to her and put my lips against hers. I'll admit I had no idea what I was doing but she didn't complain. We held hands once we started moving again and I waited with her until her bus arrived. Yes, I kissed her again before she got on. I'm not totally hopeless you know.
Once again, please don't roll your eyes. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY!