Katniss
Eventually, I manage to cry myself to sleep, visions of the dead haunting my dreams. When I wake again though, Peeta is not here to comfort me. The memories of the previous day rush back to me at once, guilt erupting in my stomach. I lie motionless beneath the mounds of plush, white blankets. I have no one but the demons in my head. I replay the expressions of the people I hurt yesterday in my mind. Peeta's sad eyes seem to stick with me the most. I hate the way he looked at me with every ounce of my entire being. His eyes were filled with pain, sadness, and most of all, replusion.
When there's a knock on my door, I feel my heart rise for a split second. I had almost hoped it was Peeta, though I knew it wasn't. And I was right. It's not Peeta who steps through the door, but Haymitch. "Hey sweetheart," he says, softly shutting the door behind him. I bury my face into the comforter and try to block him out.
"What do you want?" I scowl.
"I want to know what you said to Peeta," Haymitch asks, sitting beside me on the bed.
I sigh and whisper, "I didn't mean it. He took it the wrong way."
"Well I guess so," he mumbles.
"What do you mean?" I ask, peering my eyes through a gap in the blankets.
"He had a flashback." With that, I lift my head completely, worry rising rapidly in my chest. I've caused Peeta more pain than I thought. Once again, I've done the opposite of what I intended.
"What?" I gasp, my eyes beginning to water. "What happened? Is he okay? Is Willow okay?"
"Calm down Katniss, Willow is fine. He left her with Effie and I when he felt the flashback starting. Locked himself in a different room, but we could hear him sobbing. Effie had to take Willow over to our room.
"What about Peeta? Is he alright?"
"Think so. He hasn't come out of his room yet."
Anxiety continues to flood my body. How could he not know? Peeta could be hurt, or worse. "How do you even know he's alive?" I ask.
"I've spoken to him, but he refuses to open the door. Not until we have to leave."
"It's all my fault. It always is," I whisper, a tear slipping from my eye. "The reason why I pushed you away in the first place is because I wanted to prevent you from getting hurt by me. But now I've done exactly that."
I sigh and lean my head against the wall behind me. "Everyone would be better off without me. . ."
"Katniss, you can't go down this path again, not like you did before. You have a little girl now. A daughter, who from now on will look up to you whether you like it or not. You have to be strong for her. And if you've made it this far sweetheart, you sure as hell can keep going." Haymitch stands and opens the door to leave. "The train getshere in an hour. Clean yourself up. Apologize to Peeta, don't apologize to Peeta. Either way, we're getting out of this place. I think we could all use home right now."
***
Peeta stays true to his word and refuses to come out of the extra bedroom until we absolutely have to leave for the train. Though, he is the first one to get into the car. He chooses to sit in the front seat next to the driver. I assume it's because he's avoiding even looking at me. I can't blame him. I would probably just set off another flashback, anyway.
I take the back row of seats all to myself. Willow sleeps, wrapped in the quilt gifted to her by Rue's sister, in my arms. I sway her back and forth, humming quietly to her so no one else will hear me. When I look at her, new waves of strength course through my veins. Strength I didn't know I had. Haymitch is right. I do have to be there for her. After all, she's the one who is willing me to go on. Even if she's doing it unintentionally. It's not fair of me to deprive her of a good, happy life. She deserves the world. I want to give her everything I didn't have. I want her life to be as different from mine as it can be. And I guess I'm the only one able to make sure that she lives a life unlike mine. I want to give her happiness instead of pain. I want her to feel free instead of imprisoned. I don't want her to carry the weight of an entire country on her shoulders. No one deserves that. I wouldn't wish what I've been through upon anyone.
When we board the train, Peeta makes a bee-line for the back car and I lay Willow down in the soft, pink crib that sits in the main car. After contemplating about it for several minutes, I decide to follow Peeta.
He sits with his back towards me and he doesn't look up when the door opens to let me in. I silently sit down in a red, velvet chair across from his so he's practically forced to look at me. Still, he keeps his eyes trained on the floor. "How are you?" he asks.
I'm not quite sure what to say because I honestly don't know how I feel. When I don't reply he says, "God, Katniss. Now you're ignoring me? I should be the one ignoring you. But I guess I'm the only one of us that has the decency to be kind to the other."
"I'm sorry, okay! I'm sorry about what I said, but I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
"Well, you seemed to have meant it yesterday!" he exclaims, standing from his chair.
"Because I thought that it would be easier if you hated me. I thought that it wouldn't matter and that I was protecting you. I've always tried to protect you!"
"That's hilarious, Katniss. You didn't care. You just wanted to make it easier for yourself. I tried to help and comfort you. And look at the thanks I got," he says, shaking his head.
"How dare you say that to me! I was upset! And I thought if I let myself get hurt, it would prevent you from doing the same. I wasn't making it easier for myself, I was making it harder. I was trying to take your pain so you didn't have to carry it. I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean for it to cause you a flashback like that," I cry.
"You never mean it. But it happens," he mumbles, gazing out the window.
"I know. Everything always goes wrong when I'm involved. No matter how hard I try, I always make it worse. I shouldn't be here. I'm just a burden on all of you. I should have died a long time ago. And I'm sorry you were stuck with me. I'm sorry."
Peeta closes his eyes and rests his head against the train car's wall. I bite the inside of my cheek to try and keep myself from sobbing. I can't let myself break down if he decides he doesn't want me anymore. I have to control myself, at least until I get out of here.
"Look, Katniss. I'm sorry for what I said. I know you were upset about everything yesterday. And I know it was just the Capitol getting inside your head. But I can't keep watching you tear yourself apart like this. It never ends well, not for anyone. I need you to know that we all love you so much. You are loved, wanted, and needed by us. And it pains all of us to see you this way," he says. "You aren't perfect. You've made mistakes. You've hurt people. You've loved and lost and you've done some awful things. But so has everyone. I have too. If there's anyone that you can talk to about all of this, it's me. I just wish you'd realize it." After he finishes speaking he stands and exits the car, leaving me speechless in his wake.
***
Later that night, after I finally make peace with myself and everyone else, I go to find Peeta. He's exactly where I thought he'd be; in Willow's temporary, dimly lit nursery. What's supposed to be our bedroom is connected by a simple wooden door. "Peeta," I whisper, careful not to wake Willow. He turns away from her crib to look at me.
"Hi," he says, finally managing to look me in the eyes. Once again, I can't find the right words to say to him. So instead, I take three large steps forward and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. After hesitating for just a second, he protectively entwines his arms around my waist.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta. I understand if you can't forgive me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. You're right. It was the Capitol messing with my head again. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I didn't try to. I love you so much. I'm sorry," I whisper, my chin resting on his shoulder.
"Katniss, of course I forgive you. I love you," he says. I smile and press my forhead against his chest, over his heart. He kisses the top of my head and we sway in the nursery, as if we are dancing to music that no one can hear. We stay that way for what feels like hours, until he lifts me in his arms and carries me into our bedroom next door. It would be completely dark if it weren't for the dimly lit lamp by the window that is slightly ajar on the opposite side of the room.
Peeta gingerly sets me down on the bed, moves my hair away from my face, and kisses my forehead. He turns off the lamp and wraps me in his strong arms. "I hope you realize how loved you are, Katniss. I'm so in love with you. I will always be so in love with you. Never forget that."
As he's speaking, I'm practically fighting to stay awake. It feels as though all of the strength that I had in me has exited my body. When he pauses, I muster up a last bit of energy and whisper three words as soft as the wind on a warm spring night before I drift off into sweet slumber, "I love you."
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Awww omg so much fluff. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Like I said last week, there are still a few things left that I absolutely need to do with this book but I would still love to hear more of your ideas!! Also, expect a small time jump in the next chapter. I'm not talking major, it'll probably be about like 3 months maybe ? It'll make sense when it happens though :)
Thanks for reading, be sure to vote and comment any feedback/ideas you have for me!!
Lots and lots of love,
-booklover2019