Sorry for the late upload!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last week I COULD NOT UPLOAD :( I was not in the house on both days and when I got back I was exhausted. I have to study so much now every week. My uploads will be on weekends from now on (Fridays count). If we're lucky, I might upload during the week (but its not likely). Thanks everyone for reading, voting, commenting, and fanning. I can't thank each and every one of you enough.
Enjoy :)
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"I still don't like that guy," Ryan insisted.
I rolled my eyes. "What do you have against him anyways?"
"You should see the way he looks at you. He's like an animal. Trust me, I would know. He just wants to get into your pants."
My jaw dropped, and I attempted to push him off the edge of the lunch table. Obviously, my plan didn't work. Ryan didn't budge.
"He is not! He's just teaching Liam as a part of his graduation requirements. It works out for both of them."
He scoffed. "You bet it does. Liam gets smarter, this Jacob guy graduates, and Jacob gets into your pants. It works out perfectly doesn't it?"
I huffed. "What is your problem? We have nothing going on between us! Jake is just a friend." It wasn't like my relationship with Jake was any of Ryan's business. One had nothing to do with the other.
He muttered something under his breath.
I scowled. Why did it seem like I was trying to explain this to my boyfriend? Yeah, I like Ryan and Jacob. But I like Ryan more. It's the stupid part of me that can't let him go no matter how rude or obnoxious he is to me. Besides, Ryan may be annoying, but he also has this sweet, caring side. He doesn't show it often, and if he did, I know he'd be a different person. My heart has already fallen for him despite how often I've told myself that Ryan is just the wrong guy to get close to. He's irresistible. Jake is only a friend. Jake was supposed to help me crush Ryan and teach him a lesson, but that's not possible anymore.
I'm in too deep.
Now that I've fallen for him, it's too late. I'm just letting pieces fall where they want now. The only thing I want is not to be hurt in the process. I'm sick and tired of this back and forth between us. And I'm sick of watching out for Liam and being strong for our family at the same time. I want to care about myself now. I want to be selfish for once.
I sigh. I can never be selfish. Not when it comes to Liam. I put him first no matter what. As troubling as raising him is at times, it's nowhere near as rewarding to watch him grow up. I want Liam to be raised in an emotionally stable environment. He can't have that if he sees his older sister crying every day over stupid stuff. I want to be supported and loved by someone who's not my family. Someone who's not Liam. Someone who's not Chase.
I want Ryan to love me back.
Is that really so hard? I considered the Friday I kissed Ryan at the carnival. My brother still didn't know. If I could only date Ryan, then everything would be fine. Ryan would care about me, and I know he wouldn't leave me or cheat on me. If he was that jealous over the way Jake was looking at me, then he had to have feelings for me. Didn't he? Was it possible that he liked me just as much as I liked him?
Not that it mattered anyway. Ryan would never be able to ask me out if he liked me. At least, not openly. Chase would never approve. He was so protective now when it came to guys. Usually you couldn't tell because I never hung around the guys, but I noticed the way Chase's muscles tensed when I was too close to one of his friends. I knew.
I would have to date Ryan in secret. There really was no other way. I couldn't break my brother's heart or trust, and I knew my heart was telling me that Ryan was who I should pick. My brother only wanted the best for me, and I knew Ryan was the best guy there was. I loved him. There--I admitted it to myself. Somehow, Ryan had snuck his way beyond my defenses and into my heart.
This was so confusing. If Ryan did ask me out, I'd have to convince him that we needed to have a secret relationship and that he couldn't tell his best friend. How could I ask that of him? But if he didn't ask me out, I'd be all emotional and depressed for the rest of the year.
I snuck a peek at Ryan. His whole body was tense and his head was tipped down, blond hair covering his blue eyes. I knew he was glaring at the floor. His arms were crossed and he wasn't speaking.
I knew better than to speak to him by now. He'd just blow up. This was so much harder because he was living with us this week.
I sighed.
~~~~~
"So...Ryan?" Jake questioned.
I took a deep breath and shifted Liam onto my other leg. He was fast asleep. Chase had practice after school today, so I had to bring Liam with me. "I don't know how this happened. I'm sorry. I just can't go through with our plan."
He sucked in a deep breath. "Are you-I mean, do you-do you like him?"
The waitress brought me my slice of chocolate cake and Jake his strawberry smoothie. I picked up a fork and took a small bite from the chocolate indulgence. "It's worse than that. I-I love him."
Jake had a coughing fit and started choking on his smoothie. "YOU WHAT?"
"I love him," I repeated in a small voice. I knew it was stupid. This was the first time I'd admitted it out loud.
He closed his eyes and leant back in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Right, of course you do. I guess I should have known. And you know what? Just forget about helping me after school. The deal's broken anyways."
He stood up, and I watched him leave, my eyes lingering on his back. I couldn't speak. My voice was caught in my throat. I felt like I had whiplash. Why was he so upset? I hadn't expected this reaction out of him. Had he really been so invested in pretending to be with me to make Ryan jealous? Why did he care if I broke Ryan's heart or not? Tears stung at the corners of my eyes, and I left my cake and his smoothie on the table. I ran as fast as I could with Liam in my arms towards the car.
On the drive home, I tried to replay the conversation Jake and I had in my head. He'd blown up at me as soon as I admitted I loved Ryan. He was supposed to be my friend. Why was he making me feel worse about my feelings?
When I got home I let Liam take a longer nap than normal and cooked spaghetti. I focused my mind on the bubbles that were floating up from the boiling water and tried everything I could to keep Jake and Ryan off of my mind. At least Ryan and Chase had practice now. I wouldn't have to deal with them for a few hours.
I finished my homework and helped Liam with his. Then I distracted myself by cleaning the whole house. I started by doing the laundry, and I cleaned up both Liam's room and mine. I vacuumed and washed the dishes and still had time left to spare.
Liam was playing Mario Kart on our Wii, and I was setting up the dinner table when the activity bus dropped Chase and Ryan back home. All of us sat together at the table and Chase, completely oblivious to my frustrated mood, chatted happily with Ryan. I did my best not to look at Ryan during the whole meal. It hurt less if I ignored him.
As usual, Liam ate his spaghetti with a spoon, dropping half of it everywhere, causing Chase to get upset and lecture him on how to eat spaghetti. I watched in half amusement on how Liam was zoning out from Chase's lecture. He was eating the spaghetti he dropped off the table, obviously in a rush to get back to the Wii.
"Do you understand?" Chase concluded, stern.
Liam innocently nodded his head yes, hopped out of the chair, and ran off in the direction of the television. A faint smile stretched across my lips.
I fake a yawn, eager to get away from Ryan. "Well, I think I'm going to call it a night."
I hopped out of my seat and speed walked towards the stairs. Thank god. I'd be safe in the privacy of my own room.
"Wait," Chase demanded.
Dammit. I turned around slowly, holding my breath. What did he want?
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?" He asked, concerned.
I tried for a smile and ended up grimacing. I couldn't believe he had noticed something was up with me. At least he didn't know how deep I was in it with Ryan. "I'm great. Better than ever."
What a lie.
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So..... I'm not satisfied with this chapter. I just don't like it. Is it confusing? It seems like it is. *sighs* I don't know what to do with this. PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK. I want to improve on my writing. Thanks and vote if you liked it :) Please comment and let me know what you thought. :D