Fact 29:
Depression distorts your thinking. When you are depressed, your mind can play tricks on you.
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I flip through the diary dad gave to me and notice one of the title of the chapter. "Falling In Love" my fingers turning to that page. My heart beat wildly as I graze the dents of the page creating an image in my head of him writing all of this just for me.
I can almost hear his voice whispering every word he has written, I can feel every emotion heavy with each stroke of black ink.
I began to read.
I'm sure you probably already know the story of how your mother and I met considering you would beg me to retell it every night when you were little. I loved telling you the story, I love it because I see her in you and I see the way your eyes lit up. I loved your mother very much, my first ever great love but you know what my sweet angel you're my last love. Her love for me was like time just started and I didn't know what true light looked like until I saw her. I didn't understand how much I wanted her until I began to picture her with me whenever she's not. Like her distant voice is ringing in my head and it's the noise I would never want to tune out. Like all love it hurts so much it's like you can't breathe and if someone tells you love is not meant to hurt you and if it does is not really love. I call that bullshit. Love is a painful thing and you would never realized you could hurt like this but if the person you are with is worth it then go through hell together and then reach paradise later. My sweet daughter when you fall in love I wish for you to not hold back, I wish for you to take the pain that comes along with it, I wish for you to embrace that scary feeling of falling in love and relying that happiness from another person. You are many great things and as my daughter I will and forever believe no man is deserving of your love just like the love you gave me but I know you will give it anyway. When you have doubts of ever loving the person you have because of a big fight and said hurtful and spiteful things just remember if you ever regret being with this person and the memories of each other is the only thing you are in love with then leave. Start again my sweet daughter find that person that makes your heart beat faster everytime, find that person that makes you feel good and give you everything you hoped for. Find that person you adore, find that person to love. I always told you your mother will always be my greatest love but I was wrong you are my greatest love and I know your mother will say the same. So let someone love the greatest and darkest part of you and that's when you know that this love is the real thing.
I smiled at his words always the smart man with words. I close the book and look over on my right my heart pounding loudly. Dad is right about how your heart race everytime you set your eyes on the person you're madly inlove with.
Sky's sleeping form had me smiling softly he lay on his stomach, his bare back exposed the muscel under this light is well defined. His brown hair ruffled softly messly on his head and half his face hidden from the pillow.
I found love and I found perfection right beside me.
I lay down switching the light facing him unable to hold the feeling of love I have for him. Sometimes it does hurt when I look at him because everytime it got me thinking of him possibly loving me back. Loving every dark part of me with every scar and every hateful thought he has been eracing it all and he doesn't even realize how much he affects me.
I lean closer to him placing a soft lingering kiss against his lips. I feel his eyes flutter open sensing my touch, I pulled back our face inches apart. He wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me close to indulge in his warmth surprised filtering over his sleepy eyes.
"Is it morning already?" He mumbled in his husky voice making me melt.
"No it's only 2 in the morning." I grinned sheepishly my eyes trailing him.
"You can't sleep?" His fingers trail up and down my face to my neck shaking my head in return.
He leans forward meeting my lips kissing me deeply and everything about our kiss says it all. The passion, the want no need to feel each other, the vulnerable way we trust each other with our bodies and burning desire that is in our veins.
He lift himself up and hover above me while I part my legs and wrap my legs around his waist. I am lost with the pleasure of his hands gripping my hips tightly and the way his lips moved and his tongue swipe against mine. I moan lacing my fingers through the strands of his silky hair. The urgency of our kiss grew intense having both of us pant.
I shift my hips making him groan against my lips feeling his hard length making me grin sheepishly. Loving every bit of the way I make him feel like what he does for me too.
He grin in return seeing my smile his eyes softening pressing his body onto mine his arms resting on either side of my head.
"You're a beautiful sight to look at." He spoke softly gazing at me and I believe his every word because he makes me feel like it.
He place a kiss on my cheek, a trail blaze burn from his lips to my skin feeling him ignite something in my body making me sight closing my eyes. I found my love for him a long time ago and to have him this close to me is causing my heart to clench painfully.
I want him, I want every bit of him, my first love, my first intimate experience.
I grab his face cradling him against my palm connecting our lips once more drowning in complete happiness from his touch. This time the kiss is slow, passionate taking our time. Our tongues tangle each other tasting and nipping. The hunger from deep within can't be put out not until we both find realise.
I pull back breathing heavily staring at him my heart full of love for him and I'm ready to give everything up for him.
"I'm ready." I whispered watching his face.
His eyes widen knowing exactly what that means. Right infront of me I've never seen him look so caught off guard before making me chuckle softly.
"Are you sure about this? You know I can wait as long as you want me to, I just don't want you to regret it. I want you to make sure-
I slam my lips onto his pushing my tongue pass his lips and all I could taste is him inside my mouth and it's the taste I want to keep forever. It took him a few seconds before kissing me back with the same amount of hunger. His groan sent a vibration right through my core feeling our front rub against each other in a sensual way.
His hand sneak up my baggy sweater grazing up my thighs to my waist, his large hands exploring my skin while my hands trail down his naked back. His lips trailing down to my neck and I feel his tongue dart to taste my skin and nipped it pulling my skin between his teeth making me whimper. He moved away enough to lift my sweater off me.
Out of pure lust and love for him all I could think about it needing him right now. When I felt his body tense, his lips stopped kissing my skin and when I looked back into his eyes I see shock staring down at my arms.
It was like a bucket of ice washed over me, shame and a distraught feeling became over whelming I began to panic. I try to push him off me and cover my arms but when he caught my wrist and refused to let go of me tears began to spill.
The fear of him finding out about this because he will think it's disgusting how I mutilated myself out of weakness.
"Hailey." He spoke almost brokenly his eyes finally meeting mine.
I never meant for him to find out like this, I got caught up in the moment and didn't think about my scars.
"Please let go of me." I cried pushing him off unable to look at his face.
The courage I've lacked to face the problem of cutting myself is clear on his face and all I want him to do is drop it.
He got off me sitting on the other side of the bed his eyes never leaving mine. I grab my sweater in a rush shoving it back on not caring if I have it backwards or not. I place my hands over my face feeling the wetness from my tears unable to speak or see the true disgust written all over his face.
"Hailey-
"No please" I cried quietly in my hands hearing him speak "It's not a big deal okay, let's just forget this happened." I begged taking my hands away from my face wiping my tears furiously.
"Are you kidding me Hailey?" He laughed bitterly "I can't just unsee what I saw and pretend not to care about it." He ruffled his hair in frustration.
I bit my lip feeling my throat tightened at the humiliation I feel for even allowing this to happen by accident.
As if sensing my inner battle Sky took hold of my face but I refuse to look at him.
"Hey" He spoke softly "Look at me" He lift my chin my eyes connecting with his.
I see sadness there in the way his eyes doesn't shine with smugness and amusement. The way his lips is turned into a frown and his eyebrows knitted together. I've decided I don't like this look on him like he is physically in pain.
"Oh Hailey" He took in my face seeing my dread and shame pulling me into his arms.
I sigh deeply tears pouring out as he cradle me protectively. He held me in for a little while both of us trying to stay calm and process this. He pulls back slightly staring at me deeply his hands place on my cheeks wiping my cheeks.
"Your dad didn't know did he?" He states his eyes wondering over me cautiously waiting for me to break down again.
"Of course not" I shook my head glad he doesn't know because if he did I would feel a whole lot of guilt for causing him pain.
"So no one knows?"
I was about to say no but I remember Bonnie finding out when I was looking for a dress to wear.
"Bonnie found out" I pause twisting my fingers around my sweater nervously "When you took me dress shopping, I was panicing you know that's why I wasn't showing you any of the dress because I didn't want you to see this." I gestured hating myself of how weak I am that I did this to myself.
I look up at him seeing realization in his eyes connecting the dots.
"Bonnie covered up my scars when I wore the ball gown and I made her promise not to tell you"
"Why are you trying to cover this up from me so badly? Don't you trust me?" Hurt is evident from his face making my stomach twist.
"Of course I trust you" I said quickly wanting to vanish that pained look from his face.
He took hold of my hands in comfort raising my hands to his lips placing a kiss on every finger my eyes softening.
"Then why don't you want to tell me about this?" He whispered.
I close my eyes having trouble getting the words out feeling my tears roll down my cheeks.
"I.." My voice wobbled not quiet sure how to start I've never felt so nervous in my life.
With Bonnie a sense of compassion and understanding is automatically there with the way she held me and smiled. With Sky I fear he may reject me and that rejection will break me because all I want in the world is for him to love me back but how can he when he sees this.
"These scars, these scars are ugly-
"No it's not-
"It is that's how I feel about them" I interject frowning deeply "These scars reminds me of my dark past and how weak I was to give in to it. The only reason I did it was to feel another pain other then this constant nagging pain growing inside." I watch as he interlace his fingers with mine easing the fear inside "I didn't know how to tell you because-
I trail struggling to get the words out and like he saw right through me he grabbed my face between his hands looking at me deeply. Looking at me as if I'm the only thing that matters and it's stuff like this that makes me love him even more if that was even possible.
"Because?" He spoke softly for me to carry on.
"Because I was scared that you will see my scars the way I do. Disgusting and I especially didn't want you to look at me differently like all you see now is the scars. The thought of losing you because of this will-
"Stop it Hailey" He closed his eyes not wanting to hear me talk as if he's irritated by me.
If I could shrink into a big hole I would. He opens his eyes shaking his head not quiet believing what I just said. Instead of speaking he took both my wrist making me stiffen as I see him brush my sleeves up revealing my scars up my arms, some are fading and I know the scars up my arms will leave but I know the ones on my wrist will forever stay.
"It hurts me Hailey it really does to know you've done this to yourself and for you talk about yourself like this. Do you know how much I hate you talking about how disgusting you think you are and how ashamed you feel."
Tears sprang my eyes threatening to spill as I watch his eyes flickered to my arms anger reflecting in those eyes I fell in love with.
His fingers trail along my scars his touch light as a feather tracing the outline of what I have done to myself. My tears roll down my eyes feeling my scarred skin and deep down I feel him trying to tell me without needing to speak at all that this is something I shouldn't be afraid to show.
To my shock I see him lean close and place a kiss on my arms drowning me in complete bliss of the love that is overflowing for him. I see him place kisses across my scars tears rolling down my cheeks at the sight feeling not only love but acceptance. The dreadful fear I held of being rejected simply faded away from his touch and he made me forget what I was afraid of in the first place.
I do believe that this person right here is the only person I could ever fall so deeply in love with and I can't imagine falling out of love with him.
"These scars are not ugly, they are not disgusting, they are not shameful because do you know what I see?" He lift his head up staring back at me his eyes softening "I see strength because you are still here and you let the scars heal when you could've opened them and let yourself bleed until all you could feel is complete numbness. I see pain and greif and I know for a fact you are trying not to let that defined you. I see hope because I can simpy see it in your eyes and most of all I see a beautiful girl that I fell in love with."
My heart is pounding so loud I can't think properly hearing the last few words he just said. He didn't seem unfazed and hesitant like he knows for sure.
"What?" I whispered afraid he might take it back and all of this is just my imagination that he could love me back.
He sees my shock smiling slightly pulling me towards him making me strandle him and still I can't seem to form any words.
"I love you Hailey so much and I think I have loved you for a long time already." He spoke staring at me intently waiting for me to respond.
All I seem to be doing is cry but this time not of sadness but happiness. The emptiness I have felt vanished a long time ago when he told me he will always be here.
A grin brightly throwing my arms around his neck hugging him tightly he seemed surprised by my actions but his arms would automatically wrapped itself around my waist anyway.
"I love you Sky more then you know" I cried kissing the side of his neck.
He pulls me back our forehead leaning against each other. So here we are wrapped in each other's arms in complete love for each other. He leans forward and place a soft kiss against my lips making me sigh in content of being able to touch him and him touch me.
"Promise me you will never do this?" Promise me to never keep things from me?" He whispered against my lips.
I smiled not caring about anything in this world at this very moment but him.
"I promise as long as I have you I don't think I can ever be that sad anymore." I said honestly.
His eyes shine brightly holding me close to him resting my head against him.
"I'm permanent Hailey I think I will always love you"