(Edited 12/1/17)
Word count: 1170
Description: If only...
Warnings: depression, suicide, breakup.
***
If only I knew.
If only I knew what was really happening. I should have realised. You would go silent for days then suddenly start talking again like nothing had happened.
If only I knew.
During conversations you would randomly stop talking and start looking at nothing in particular. You would space out a lot. I always thought you were a daydreamer, but then it started to happen more often.
If only I knew.
The nightmares. Why did you never tell me? I would walk into your room in the mornings to see you crying and rocking back and forth. I asked you what was wrong repeatedly, but you would just blank me or cry even harder.
If only I knew.
Why did you never tell me? Why did you never say anything? You always shook you head at compliments, or disagreed with them. You never believed me when I told you how amazing you were. Or how many people loved you, including me.
You pushed all your friends and family away and ignored everything. You stopped doing YouTube and radio 1. You ignored everything I said to you, until that day.
If only I knew.
I came back from the shop to see you waiting by the kitchen door for me. I smiled at you and hugged you, but you just pushed me away.
"I can't do this anymore," you said. I looked up at you confused, but you just shook your head. "I'm breaking up with you."
I remember breaking down crying, asking for you to forgive me and to take me back. I asked why countless times until you finally cracked. You shouted and screamed at me.
"I don't love you! That's why! I never loved you! It was just an act!"
"I don't believe you!"
"How stupid can you get? I hate you."
Those words killed me. It's funny how words do that. Just three little words can make or break you.
I didn't understand at the time why you said what you did.
But I do now.
If only I knew.
I walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. You hardly ever shouted at me for anything. I wish I never left.
If only I knew.
It was my fault. I should have stopped! I shouldn't have left you alone.
If only I knew.
When I got back the first thing I saw was the note. I was scared about opening it at first, but I did.
"I'm sorry."
I still remember. The first sentence made me feel so relieved. I thought that you were apologising because you didn't mean what you said to me. You felt bad... But why didn't you say it to my face?
If only I knew.
"You will move on, forget about me."
I was confused to say the least.
"I don't hate you. I never could. You were always there for me, making me feel so special and loved. And I do love you. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry."
I smiled. You did love me. I knew it... So why weren't you here?
"I'm leaving. And I won't ever be coming back. Just know that I loved you more that you could ever believe. You made me feel wanted and special, even though I knew I wasn't."
I felt tears fall down my face again. Why would he leave? Why did he always think that he was unwanted? Unloved? Why?
"I left a video on my YouTube channel for you and our fans to watch. Please remember me for all the good things I have done, and not the bad. I love you. And don't ever forget that."
If only I knew.
I ran to my room and shut the door. Tears were clouding my vision as I cried, but I managed to pull myself together long enough to grab my laptop and find the video you were talking about.
Your face popped onto the screen and I pressed play.
"Hey..."
I watched as you shuffled around.
"So... This video is just so you know what's going on."
There was a large pause where you looked around the room. It made me realise that the video was unedited.
"I'm leaving. Forever. This is the last video you will ever see from me."
Tears sprang to my eyes again as I started thinking about the note again.
"No one knows this but... I'm not okay. I haven't been for a while. I'm not sure why, considering how amazing my life is right now. I have amazing friends and family. I love my job, have you guys supporting me with everything I do and my amazing boyfriend-"
He cut himself off and started to cry. It killed me to see him so broken.
If only I knew.
"I've gone around the world, gone on tour, had my own radio show and even released a book! And I'm grateful for everything...
But I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye guys... For the very last time."
The video cut off and I started to cry again. I just couldn't take it. I walked out of my room and into yours, I just wanted to see your room once more before I closed the door and sealed it off forever.
If only I knew.
I pushed open the door to see the most horrible thing I have ever seen. There you were, on the bed.
But you weren't moving. Your body was lifeless, skin pale, blue lips and eyes glazed over.
If only I knew.
A bottle of pills were in your hand.
Empty.
I broke down. I have no idea what happened after that, it was just a blur. The next thing I knew I was lying in my bed 2 weeks later thinking of you. I tried to cry, but couldn't. I was out of tears.
If only I knew.
I never got that image out of my head. Your lifeless body. I still have the note, not that I need it because I can recite every word in my sleep. I never moved on and never went in your room. I shut it off and never allowed anyone to enter.
If only I knew.
I did as you asked and tried to remember the good things. Waking up and waiting for the other to get up so we could eat breakfast together and watch anime. The time we went to Japan. Our flat in Manchester. The day we met.
If only I knew.
If only I knew. Why was I so blind? It's obvious now that I think about it. I just wish you could have said something, reached out to me while you were... Alive.
If only I knew.
But I didn't.
***
That was actually longer than expected, but who cares right?
I hope you cried.
And who's POV did you see this as? I realised how vague it is and thought why not?