A/N: I apologise for accidentally posting my poem here instead of my poem book and then deleting it and confusing everyone about the update. For that reason, I stayed up really late to write this up tonight to make up for last night's mistake. Enjoy (in'sha'Allah)
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The months leading to the wedding went by in a blur. The closer Sami got to the day, the more nervous he felt. Suddenly, it didn't all seem so dreamy anymore as reality kicked in. How was he going to break the ice with Radia? How was he going to keep her happy? Would he be enough for her? Would she be pleased with him? Life was never going to be the same again!
Of course Sami was still excited. But the nerves kept growing. He struggled to eat or sleep. Manahil had him learn the nasheed and every time Sami even thought about singing it to Radia, he got a stomach ache. Then there were the aches from the gym sessions with Ali. That, with a mixture of how Sami was losing his appetite resulted in a lot of weight loss. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite what Ali had planned.
"You were supposed to get toned with muscles, not skinny!" Ali had said on several occasions. For the first time, Sami was beginning to feel self-conscious. Would he repel Radia? Had he really gone too skinny? How could that have happened in such a short period of time?
The only source of comfort was that he was about to please Allah greatly by marrying. That, and Radia's silly messages from time to time. Being reminded of her character and her humour, Sami felt some ease in knowing that he would get on well with her.
Before Sami knew it, he'd waken up to his wedding day. He didn't have a moment to think about the importance of the day and register what was happening as he'd been woken by a knock on the door. He forced himself out of bed and went to open the door, rubbing tiredness from his face.
"Asalamu'alaykum!" Manahil said, coming into the house followed by their mother. "We've come to decorate your room while you get ready for the wedding."
"You freshen up and I'll make you breakfast," Sami's mother said.
"No, that's okay, I'll just shower and make my own," Sami replied, trying to process what was going on.
"Have you ironed your thobe?" Manahil asked.
"Yeah, it's hanging in the wardrobe."
"And where are the new bedsheets you bought?"
"It was still a little damp when I brought it in from the washing line last night so I draped it on the door of my room," Sami replied.
"Well, I hope it's dry now. Have to sort this whole place. Sorry to ruin your last morning alone by the way," Manahil said before heading off to the direction of Sami's room. That's when the enormity of what was going on hit Sami. He was getting married! Today!
He looked around for his mother and found her in the kitchen going through his drawers for food.
"You don't have much food," she commented. "We need to buy food! Radia wouldn't like these empty drawers and bare fridge. Your baked beans have expired!"
"What shall I do?"
"You go get ready. I'm going make breakfast and then go shopping to stock up while I still have time. My mother should be arriving with your aunts soon. We should have done this before."
"It's okay, I'll go after I'm ready," Sami said, feeling guilty.
"Nonsense, you're the groom! You just get yourself ready and...and relax, I guess."
"Okay, we'll go together," Sami concluded before heading towards the bathroom.
In the next few hours, Sami, his sister and mother finished all the last minute chores. Sami's friends were due to come with fancy hired cars after Zuhr, though Sami had only requested one fancy car to bring Radia home with. They were going to head to East London Mosque to make sure everything was in place for the Nikah which would be held after Asr. Manahil and their mother went home to get ready and were going to head to the hall with their father, though Manahil wasn't very happy about that.
During Zuhr, Sami frowned, trying his best to concentrate. It took a while before he could fully lose himself in the salaah and find its comfort which provided him with much needed peace. He felt much better after that. He was able to survive the teasing from his friends as they all made their way to the venue. Sami met Uncle Irfan sometime after he arrived and the nerves crept back in. They all worked to get the place looking good and made sure everything was in place. They checked on all the arrangements and everything was in place.
Now all that was left was for Sami to put his kufiya on. Muhammad, being a pro in this, had Sami sit on a seat while he skilfully made some sort of cool rope design and wrapped the kufiya on Sami's head.
"I'm pretty sure this isn't the traditional way to wear it, right?" Sami asked.
"Who cares? It looks good," Muhammad commented as he stepped back to view his art work.
"I don't look like a freak, do I?"
"You do, but you can't help that. I think the kufiya may just improve that a little."
"Shut up," Sami said, smiling.
Minutes ticked by and guests began to arrive. When the imam arrived, Sami felt the knots in his stomach intensify. People were greeting him every way he turned. How many people had been invited?
Sami was introduced to more people than he could care to remember. He just made sure to remember people who he thought mattered to Radia, like her uncles and grandfather. Sami wondered where his own grandfather was. He'd always been a distant man, much like his son. Did he even know his grandson was getting married?
"Dad, is granddad coming?" Sami asked as soon as he managed to speak to his father again.
"Haven't you heard? He's got a slipped disc and can't get up so he can't make it."
"Oh. Who's taking care of him?"
"His latest wife. Don't worry about him, he's doing better than all of us," Sami's father said with bitterness in his tone. Luckily, Harris came to Sami's rescue as he began discussing business with Sami's father.
In the midst of talking to people, the adhaan suddenly started and everyone hushed in an instant. Sami was about to pray his last salaah as a single man.
Again, things were feeling like a blur. It almost felt unreal. They had all finished praying and then the imam began the Nikah, did a sermon, agreed on the mahr in which a kitten and a Hajj ticket was included making Sami smile briefly, and then,
"I accept," Sami said for the third time. And that was it.
He was married.
He was suddenly engulfed in hugs with people congratulating him. Sami wondered if this was how reverts felt like at the time of conversion. Then he wondered whether any groom had made such a comparison when getting married. Then he remembered to thank Allah though he was still feeling overwhelmed.
It was still going to be a while before he could see Radia. Everyone ate and socialised while Sami kept checking his phone for updates on the women's side. How long was it going to be before he could finally meet his wife?
It turned out that the plan was that Sami had to drive Radia to their house after Maghrib and close relatives would follow. With that knowledge in mind, Sami could barely sit still and he willed for Maghrib to come quickly.
After they'd all prayed, Sami was told to make his way outside where he would meet Radia and he'd drive her home. Anxiously, Sami walked outside and stood next to the cool car he hoped Radia would appreciate. Soon, a whole bunch of women emerged in in the centre of them was a veiled woman wearing a loose fitted jilbab. Sami looked at her, confused. She had people beside her, holding her arm. He saw that there was a white coloured trail peeking out of the jilbab at the bottom and smiled.
She walked up to him and they looked into each other's eyes. Her eyes were all he could see of her face and he felt like he could gaze at them forever. Then he realised he could gaze at them forever as those eyes were for him to stare into. His, and only his. This was his wife, the woman who was halaal for him. Sami tried to cover the emotions he felt.
"I don't want my face to be seen full of make-up. And my dress is kind of tight so that's why I'm dressed like this," Radia explained.
"Wonderful first words as my wife," Sami said and he saw Radia's eyes crinkle with laughter. Sami opened the door of the car. "Shall we?" He asked.
"Wait!" Radia turned to hug her friends and then spent another ten minutes talking to everyone and hugging them while Sami waited patiently. "Sorry about that. Now we can go," Radia said and Sami moved to the side to let Radia slide into the car. "Mum, don't take too long to come, okay?" Radia said after rolling the windows down. They had another conversation while Sami got into the car, buckled his seatbelt and started it up.
"Seatbelt, wife," Sami said and Radia followed his orders.
"You can't see, but I'm grinning widely," she said, making Sami chuckle.
"That's good to know." They drove away with Radia waving at people until they turned the corner. Then she sat straight with her hands on her lap. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just feeling a lot of things in one go."
"I know what you mean," Sami responded, glancing over at her. A silence followed and Sami thought about what he should say.
"You look very handsome by the way, masha'Allah. Told you the thobe and kufiya would look nice. It's not too soon to compliment you, is it? Is there like an unwritten rule for how long I have to act really shy? Oh wait, I'm rambling again. Me and nervousness don't get on well," Radia said, fidgeting with a piece of her jilbab. Sami just chuckled.
"Keep rambling, I like it. And thank you, your hands and eyes look beautiful too."
"I tried to get this niqab with the smallest slit for my eyes for maximum coverage because if someone could see my eyes full of make up only, it would probably make me look better than not wearing a niqab at all! Not saying that my eyes are special or anything, it's just the effect of make-up."
"They are special. I mean, you're special," Sami said so low that Radia just about caught the words.
"Aww, really?"
"Yes. And I guess now that I'm your husband, it's finally appropriate to tell you you're beautiful. I don't need to see you fully as a bride to tell you that. You're very beautiful, masha'Allah." Sami was unsure where his confidence to say such things was coming from. Perhaps it was just the comfort he felt in Radia's presence.
"That's so sweet. I have tears in my eyes. Give me a moment," Radia said, looking out of the window as she fanned herself. Sami grinned.
Soon, they reached their home.
"Open the door for me, hold my hand and help me step out to make this moment more magical," Radia instructed and Sami chuckled.
"I was intending on doing that anyway. Don't you think saying that would take some of the magic away?" Sami asked.
"No, but stating it would take the magic away would take the magic away."
"To save whatever magic is left, I think I'll just do as I've been told." Sami got out of the car and walked to the other side where he opened the door for Radia. Then he held out his hand and froze when Radia took it, climbing out. It was a small touch, fingertips clasping each other, but it shook Sami to the core. Sami didn't understand why he reacted the way he did. Surely, holding hands shouldn't have affected him like that. He broke out of his spell when he noticed Radia look at him curiously. He closed the door, locked the car and led Radia to their home, unable to make himself let her hand go.
Once inside, Sami took her to their bedroom and gave her some space to take off her niqab, hijab and jilbab. He waited in the living room, pacing. And then she walked in again, this time without her jilbab, hijab or niqab.
Sami stood rooted on the spot, stunned by his wife who was now approaching him. There wasn't a word to describe how she looked to Sami. He stared at her, taking in her shining eyes, the slightly pointed and dimpled chin, her lips curved in a heart-warming smile. Her hair was black and curled to fall just below her shoulders. For a long time, he just stared at her in wonder.
"Are you going to speak?"
"It's impossible how beautiful you are," Sami said and Radia covered her mouth as she giggled. She reached out for his arm and Sami flinched. A look of hurt passed across Radia's face and Sami looked back, confused.
"I'm so sorry. I don't know why that just happened. I didn't mean to. I mean... I just... I guess I'm just not...not used to this."
"Neither am I," Radia replied. Sami bit his lip, feeling guilt consume him. With a shaky hand, he reached forward for Radia's hand. She placed her hand in his and Sami froze again. "Are you okay?"
"I just... I guess I've never really held anyone's hand before."
***
Radia felt her heart shatter for Sami. She looked into his eyes and saw a lost boy. Radia understood this was much more than only having his hand held. She knew deep down there was suffering Sami had been through and she felt this was one of the consequences. She just knew it.
"Come on, don't you like, shake peoples' hands and hug your friends?"
"I do. But they're friends."
"What about family?" Radia asked, afraid of the answer. Sami didn't respond. "Don't you hug your mum or lean on her. Don't you put your head in her lap or anything?" Sami shook his head. "Really? When was the last time you hugged her?"
"Two years ago."
"And before that?"
"I can't remember."
"What about this morning? I mean, it is your wedding day!" Radia exclaimed. Sami shook his head and Radia gasped. "Why not?"
"We're just not like that," Sami responded. All that suffering that Radia had assumed Sami had been through were confirmed as she read his eyes. That look said it all.
"Sami, you do realise this isn't exactly normal to be freaking out over holding hands, right?"
"I'm not freaking out."
"Aren't you a psychologist? Analyse your own behaviour and then tell me if it's normal or not," Radia suggested. Sami looked away as he thought for a while.
"Like I said, I'm just not used to this. I'm so sorry," Sami whispered, looking to the ground in shame. Radia's left hand was still holding Sami's and she brought her right hand up to his face and slowly cupped it. Sami closed his eyes. "We'll take baby steps and break this all down," Radia promised.
"I didn't know this was going to happen. You're not mad, are you? You're not regretting this, are you?" Sami asked, opening his eyes in panic.
"No, I'm not regretting this at all!" Radia assured Sami, caressing his face with her thumb. Sami relaxed a little with relief, but Radia could feel Sami's breath coming out unevenly. Her heart swelled for him, for whatever he'd been through. He looked scared and even a little broken. Perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do at that moment, but Radia couldn't help but let go of Sami before wrapping her arms around him. He deserved to be shown all the love he could get and Radia had made up her mind, she was going to give it to him.
Radia heard Sami's heartbeat loud and fast and she soon realised he was holding his breath. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his reaction.
"Breathe, Sami." Sami let out the breath he was holding and she felt him shake as he slowly put his arms around her too. "I know I said baby steps, but I couldn't help it. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I like it," Sami replied and Radia smiled, tears welling up in her eyes again. Radia always believed that it took a few months for someone to fully fall in love with their spouse, but Radia couldn't describe what she felt for Sami in any other word but love. She still considered it too soon to admit it.
They stood in each other's arms for a while and Sami eventually relaxed. His arms around Radia felt more comfortable and he wasn't shaking or breathing unevenly. They were interrupted when the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," Sami said. Radia let go of Sami and smiled at Sami's reluctance to let go of her. The doorbell rang again and Sami had to depart from her. Soon, he returned with his sister, mum, grandma, Radia's mum and her two sisters, Sadia and Madia.
Radia leapt forward to hug them all and asked where everyone else was.
"The other kids are with their cousins and I asked your dad to stay at home because of all the guests we have around. Sadia has one of your suitcases and your dad will bring the rest tomorrow. I hope you don't mind," Radia's mum explained.
"Oh, that's fine. Did you bring the cookies?" Radia asked and her mum handed her a carrier bag with a large container inside it.
"Cookies?" Sami asked.
"My present to you," Radia said, taking out the container from the bag and handing it over to Sami.
"This is the first bride I know who has spent the morning of her wedding day baking cookies for her husband," Radia's mum said and Manahil jumped in saying,
"Sami has a present for you too!"
"Jazak'Allah khair for the cookies. I hope Manahil's referring to the stuff I got for our kitten in the corner there. We can go to pick out your kitten tomorrow," Sami said and Radia grinned.
"Fantastic! Jazak'Allah khair!"
"There's also another present but we'll get to that later," Manahil said mischievously before walking towards the kitchen asking about who wanted tea.
"What is it?" Radia asked and Sami shook his head.
"Nothing," he replied and Radia gave him a suspicious look. Sami avoided eye contact as he took a cookie out of the container and bit into it. "Oh, wow!" He said, his mouth full.
"Chew it, taste it and then compliment it. Don't do what they do on TV and compliment it as soon as you bite into it."
"I'm saying wow at its consistency. Very soft. And now that I've chewed it, it tastes great too!"
"Thank you," Radia said. Sami put the container on the table. He motioned for the people around him to sit before he and Radia sat next to each other on the sofa. They spoke to everyone about how the day went by, not expressing the moment they had shared just before everyone's arrival.
Soon, Manahil joined them after serving everyone some tea. A little while later, Radia noticed Manahil making eyes at Sami, as if trying to tell him something. Then, she walked over to Sami and asked,
"Are you ready?" Sami shook his head. "Come on, like we practised!" Manahil urged and Radia looked at the siblings in confusion.
"It's a nice thought but it's embarrassing," Sami said in a barely audible tone.
"Do not ruin your wedding day for me," Manahil said and Radia burst into laughter.
"Yeah, why are you ruining our wedding for your sister? That's not fair."
"You don't know what she's asking me to do."
"Come on, Radia's right. She gets me. Now I'm putting the background vocals on. Radia, Sami has a present for you. Everyone, listen up."
"No, you can't make me do this," Sami whispered, his face going red.
"Are you going to sing?" Radia asked, trying to stop her jaw from dropping.
"I... No. Well, I'm not very good. It's Manahil's idea."
"I want to hear it! Please?" Radia pleaded. Maybe it could have been the next step in breaking down that barrier.
"Come on, for your wife's sake."
"There's people here," Sami responded, looking at the faces of his in-laws who were trying to listen into the secret conversation.
"What's going on?" Radia's mum asked.
"Sami's got a special present for Radia. He's going to sing a nasheed, and he'll mean every word from his heart. Right, Sami?"
"Please don't make me do this," Sami begged, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.
"It's okay. I'd love to hear you but if you don't feel comfortable, I don't want to force you into anything," Radia reassured.
"That's a wonderful idea!" Radia's mum said. "Kids, stay quiet, I want to enjoy this. What will you be singing, Sami?"
"He'll be singing A Promise to My Wife," Manahil replied for Sami. Radia's eyes lit up, she loved that nasheed! She didn't understand modern Arabic properly but she had learnt the meaning of that nasheed after listening to it several times. But then she noticed Sami's state.
"Are you sure you're okay doing this?" Radia asked, feeling concerned.
"I guess I have to otherwise everyone's going to be disappointed," Sami said, taking a deep breath. Radia wants to hold his hand and calm him down but she felt shy in front of her mum, sisters and in-laws.
Suddenly, Manahil put the background of the nasheed on. She nudged Sami and Sami took another deep breath and began to sing in a slightly shaky but surprisingly pleasant voice. His gaze was fixed on the ground and he wiped his forehead.
"Ya khayra zawjatin," Sami started and Radia's heart fluttered. Did he know that he just called her 'oh precious wife'? Did he even understand the words? Radia was unsure as he continued to sing, his eyes not leaving the carpeted floor.
But by the third time he sang the words which translated to, I promise to Allah, he looked up. He must have found confidence from somewhere. Then Sami sang the words for the fourth time and he pointed up towards the heavens and Radia felt the emotion bubbling inside her. Tears began to form for the fourth time that day and she swallowed hard. Sami smiled as he shyly stared back at the ground again. Right after the second time he repeated the chorus, he shook his head and stopped singing. He covered his face and Radia blinked back the tears in her eyes.
"No more," Sami said, unable to continue.
There was a round of applause and compliments were given to Sami. But Radia remained silent, sitting in a blissful state, in awe at the amazing moment she had just experienced. Thanks to her love of the nasheed she understood every word that Sami sang and it seemed he did too. He really looked like he meant what he sang which made Radia's heart swell. She wanted to hug him again.
Radia waited until everyone left and then she got ready for bed. Sami changed and lay on the bed, his eyes following Radia. Finally, she sat next to him. They began to talk again and Radia slowly inched forward, closer and closer to Sami. Then she put her head on his chest and Sami had another moment in which he froze and then slowly recovered, putting his arm around Radia.
"You've lost weight, haven't you?" She asked.
"Yeah, my friend made me do so."
"Why?"
"He said you'd like me more if I was toned but I didn't really build any muscle in the end."
"And how does he know what I like?"
"I guess it was an assumption."
"Sami..."
"Yes?"
"Eat all those cookies I got you and become cuddly again."
"When was I cuddly before?"
"You looked cuddly before and I imagined you'd be cuddly but I can feel bones."
"You don't want muscle?
"I want to hug you the way I used to hug teddy bears. The way I see it, teddies are stuffed with cotton to be soft and cuddly. They're not stuffed with rocks for a reason."
"So you want me to gain weight again?"
"Yes please."
"Well that should be fun!"
"But stay fit. I don't want you to have any health risks."
"Got it. I'll try," Sami responded.
They both spoke and giggled until eventually, they ended up in a peaceful slumber, holding each other with small smiles on their faces.