So we have been back in school for about a month now, I’m in
the flow of my classes and things are going great. I even spoke
to my mom, which was a pleasant surprise. Things with me and
Anna are calmer too, but I must say she has been acting weird
lately. Then again I could just be feeling guilty. You see I did go
to the movies with Mark, but we didn’t do anything. He is just
a really sweet guy, and it’s nice to have someone new who
doesn’t know about my past. We went to the movies and then
after picked up something from Mickey D’s, then he walked me
how and that was the end of it.
Granted since then I’ve hung with him at least twice a week, I
feel like I’m cheating but I know I’m not. I know how Anna feels
about him, but we are just friends. If it was anything more I
would be talking to him. I think I’ll stop talking to him, yeah
that’s best because if she finds out she is going to leave me. Or
assume the worst and think I was cheating because I hid it. So
to avoid all those dramas get rid of him, ugh but I’m going to
kind of miss him. I got it I’ll think it over tonight then do what’s
best tomorrow, yeah I know I’m a genius.
After all this thinking I think I want to lay down.
Yeah laying down is so not helping, because now im thinking
about how Anna’s been acting. It’s weird she’s kind of distant
and been like this for like a week now. I know it’s not school,
because I see her all day, so what could be wrong?
Maybe she found out that I’ve been talking to Mark?
No if Anna knew she would’ve told me, or yelled. She seems
almost guilty of something herself. Yet whenever I ask about it
she claims to be tired or stressed about some test. I don’t really
believe this but I can’t make her talk so I just have to wait and
see.
Looking at the time I realize Ive been lying here thinking
most of the night and have to get up for school in a hour.
Looks like I'm not sleeping until later, ugh fuck my life. I
mine as well get ready now an make me and Anna
breakfast.
After a hour long shower I'm in the kitchen whipping up
some pancakes and bacon to take up to her in bed. Fixing
up her tray I walk up the stairs and knock on her door,
waiting I still don't hear anything. Five more minutes of
waiting I open her door to find her bed empty, what the
hell? There is no way she could've left this morning
without me knowing. Then again I don't recall hearing her come home last night either. This is the
4th time she hasn't come home lately. When we get out of school todays he has some serious
explaining to do because this is getting ridiculous.
After a quick shower I'm out the door and am texting Mark to meet me at the bus stop.
Arriving there hes already there look really handsome in
his blue jeans and white tee. And might I add his muscles
look very yummy in that shirt too, what? Don't judge me
friends can have thought like this about each other, right?
Because come on how can you not think he looks sexy in
that and hes wearing his all to adorable smile that
brightened up when I walked towards him, he has one of
those smiles that are viable in the eyes.
Shit from what I just thought I think I might be starting to develop feelings for him.
Mark snaps me out of my thoughts before I get panicked and ask me if I want the tea he got me.
What tea? I look and see he is holding a tea for me, well
now I feel dumb and how did he know I wanted tea. I raise
my eyebrow and ask him how did he know I needed tea.
And his reply brought a huge smile on my face, you wanna
know what he said? Well even if you do I'm telling you
because your reading what I'm writing.
Anyways he said he got me the tea because he
remembered me saying I was Pmsing last night and
figured id want the tea before school. You see why that
made me smile he is too sweet, and he doesn't come with
drama, hes just simply simple.
School -
Our bus never came so we walked to school it wasn't too
bad it took about 20 minutes. Plus it gave me more time to
talk to Mark I can actually say talking to him has become
the highlight of my day. Daren and Stephanie wont talk to me now that I live with Anna. Which hurt
like hell at 1st I thought we'd be friends for life, but I guess not. But back to the point walking to the
school was fine until we actually got there.
As soon as we got to the door I saw Anna talking to some
chick. What ever was being said looked heated and I was
wondering why the hell she was yelling at my fiancé like
that. I guess I looked pissed because Mark practically
threw me at the front door, but not before I saw the bitch
shove her. In a speed I didn't think was possible for
someone who isn't superman I was in front of her
knocking the bitch out. I guess I blacked out because I the
next thing I remember is hearing Anna screaming and
Mark pulling off oh her because some how I was on top of
her punching her.
Once I calmed down I looked at Anna and she was in
shock at my anger. I tried to hug her but she just shook
her head and walked away, leaving me standing here
confused as hell about what the hell just happened.
So for 5 classes Anna didn't talk to me or even sit next to
me, like what the fuck I was just trying to protect her.
How did I become the asshole in this?
Why is she acting like I just hit the bitch for no reason.
These thought ran through my head until I blew up and went off on Anna in 6th period. I didn't mean
to but I made another attempt to get her to talk to me and she just walked off and I kind of sort of
told her to stop being a bitch. Look I know, I know I fucked up but come on I did what anybody would
do in the situation. Its a understatement to say she didn't take that
very well. In short she told me to go fuck myself and to not
talk to her.
Fucking bitch, right?
Well even if you don't agree fuck you too, okay I didn't
mean that but I'm frustrated because I didn't do anything
to her. I don't like for her to be mad at me and why is she
acting like this chick is her girl and I'm the stranger. She
has some serious explaining to do later.
The rest of my day went by uneventful, to be honest I was
to mad and depressed to really care. I saw people walk by
me and it was all a haze. My friends spoke to me and it
was like I heard the words but they weren't registering in
my brain, I was truly numb. This is what happened when
shes mad at me I become a glimmer of myself, I feel lost
with no way back. Mark seeing me like this offered to
distract me and I didn't say yes or no so he took it as a
yes. We ended up at this park near my old house.
Going straight to the swings I ask him to push me,
obviously he agreed because hes just that type of guy.
Anyways hes pushing me higher and higher and as I'm
flying in the air my thoughts drift again to what happened.
And I honestly can say I don't feel like I did anything
wrong. Its my job as her girl to protect her from any and all
harm. If I didn't do that could I truly say I love her?
Maybe she took me hitting that girl as me saying she cant
handle herself?
Maybe she thinks I think shes weak?
I was so deep in though I hadn't even realized the swing
had stopped moving until Mark was standing in front of
me. He looked me dead in the eyes and his look was so
intense that it felt as if his gaze was burning into my very
soul. He looked as if he could feel all my thoughts and
pain. I can feel myself falling into his eyes and I don't even
want to break the gaze.
He still has me held in his gaze, leaning forward his lips
touch mine, it was as if a million butterflies were flying in
my stomach, feeling light headed I feel myself start to fall
off the swing. Before I hit the ground he grabs me around
the waist and catches me before I fall. The last thing I
remember before everything went black was his lips
meeting mine again, only this time I kissed back.
I have no idea how long I was out but the sun was starting
to go down. Sitting up I find myself lying in a bed.
How did I get here?
Wheres Mark?
I guess him sensing I was panicking he spoke and I turned
and saw him lying next to me smiling. I felt myself calm
instantly and ask him where we were. He said we were at
his house and that he carried me here.
He carried me?
I'm not that light so he must be stronger then I though.
Nice thought of him carrying me and laying me on the bed
and ripping my clothes off.....wait.....what the hell is wrong
with me I shouldn't be having these kind of thoughts I'm in
a committed relationship and hes my friend. I need to get
out of here and home before Anna gets worried, standing
up quickly I grab my shoes and put them on and head to
the door. Mark must have super speed because before
my hands touch the door nob his hand is grabbing my
wrist and asking me to stay and talk.
Turning around I ask his, talk about what?
I cant do this with you right now I have to get home to my
girlfriend, I have way too much to deal with right now.
Pulling my arm away I open the door, but not before I hear
him say the three words that shocked me to the core. He
said I love you, maybe I heard wrong but I still cant do this
right now. Acting like I didn't hear him I leave his house
and walk home.
Why did I have to kiss him back?
This is going to ruin our friendship and what about Anna, I
didn't think about her once while kissing him. And what the
hell was with those butterflies? I never get butterflies I
only get them with Anna, I cant be falling for him I just
cant. But why didn't I get light headed when our lips met
and why didn't I want the kiss to stop? Fuck my life I think
I fell for him without even realizing it, how is that even
possible?
My thought have been all over the place today and once
again I find myself so deep in thought I didn't realize I had
arrived home. Opening my door I go tot he kitchen to get
something to eat because the longer I take to get up
stairs the more time I have to think about what I'm going
to say to Anna to make this whole bullshit day better.
Because regardless of what I feel for Mark I love Anna
too much to risk losing her, so if it means he has to go
then so be it.
If I really feel this way then why did I just feel like I killed a
part of myself. I felt a deep ache that I can't even put into
word, just imagine being hit in the gut with a bat and
multiply that by 10 and you'll feel what I'm feeling right
now. Its getting harder to breathe, I have to sit down.
Sitting helps and I can feel my breathing going back to
normal.
What the hell just happened?
If this is because of Mark I am fucked, I don't fall for guys.
I haven't trusted any since the rape, their nice to fuck and
all but past that I don't actually develop feelings for them.
This is all ridiculous I'm just not going to think about it
anymore. I'm starving anyways, standing up I make a
sandwich and pour myself a glass of juice. Heading up the
stairs I become aware of my surroundings, the lights are
off. Thats weird the lights are always on, and Anna's
parents aren't home either. What ever I'm not in the mood
to talk to her overly chipper mom anyways, because I
swear the bitch needs medication for that shit. Hey don't
judge me if you lived with this Mary Poppins bitch you'd be
saying the same damn thing.
Back to the original thought I became aware of the fact
that the house was way too dark for someone to be
home. So I kept walking but cautious now, walking lightly I
head straight to Anna's room to see if she was okay.
Opening her door what I saw shocked me to say the
least, I dropped my plate and drink. Hearing the glass hit
the ground it shattered and I can feel the glass cutting my
legs, I don't even flinch because what I'm looking at has
made me a mute and completely numb.
You wanna know what I saw?
What I saw my girlfriend lying on her bed with some other
chicks fingers in her. I guess the sound of the glass
breaking got their attention and the other girl turned
around. And would you fucking guess who the fuck she's
cheating on me with. No other then the bitch I knocked out
this morning. As if a light bulbed went off I realized why
Anna was so mad I hit her, I was hitting her other bitch.
Finding my voice the only thing I can get out is what the
fuck!?
Here I am feeling guilty for being friends with Mark and
this bitch was cheating on me, because from the looks of
it this is definitely not their first time. No wonder she
doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.
Was she even tutoring all those nights?
All this is running thought my mind and I'm so out of it I
didn't hear Anna talking to me. All I heard was baby let me
explain, snapping out of thought I asks her what exactly is
left to explain I can clearly see what shes been up
to. Whats she gonna do explain how she loves me and
how this shit doesn't mean anything. I clearly don't give a
fuck to hear he explain shit to me, I'm done I was happy
before I decided to give a fuck and fall in love. The bitch is
back and she really should shut the fuck up before I snap.
Something must be written over my face because she
shut up. Walking in the room I speak as calm as I can and
ask her for my ring back, because she had the nerve to
wear it while cheating on me. Like what the fuck thats a
serious disrespect to me. Once the rings in my hand I
step away from her because I can feel myself getting
angrier by the minute and I know I will hit her, and I pride
myself on not hitting the girls I deal with.
How could she do this to us?
I can feel my heart breaking and I cant stop it, I even want
to look at her. Shes crying and all I want to do is make it
better but its her fault and I just cant, let this bitch she
clearly wanted more then me make her feel better. I need
to leave before I start to cry myself. Before I leave I tell
her what she must already know, that were over and I'm
moving out. And lastly for her to leave me alone and to not
try to talk to me. Walking out leaving the mess on the floor
I don't even bother to pack I just need to get out of here I
feel like I'm suffocating. Practically running to the door I
get outside and slam the door behind me.
Finally alone I feel myself start to cry and all I can do is
collapse and cry on the doorstep. I cried for the lost of my 1st love because she has broken me, destroyed the 1st bit
of me. She crushed the love I once felt so strongly
towards her, and I don't even see myself giving her that 2nd chance.
I don't get how some people can view pain as a good
thing, what about you?
It is said that pain and heartache are good for one's soul.
Then you have religious people who say that it is best to
suffer because you can never truly appreciate happiness
until you have experienced pain.
I think of these things as I keep crying and all I can think
is why.
After a hour of crying I get myself together enough to walk
and pull out my phone, seeing I had 20 missed calls all
from Anna except 1. looking to see who else called I see
it was Mark. One of them left a voice mail, hoping its not
Anna I am relieved to hear Marks voice asking me to call
him back and that he was sorry for kissing me. And that
hes here for me if I ever need him.
Going down my contact list I pull up his number and call
him, he picks up almost instantly, before he can say
anything past hey I start to cry again. He asked me what
was wrong but I don't answer, so he ask when I am an I
tell him outside my house. Without a second thought he
says hes on his way to meet me, I don't say anything but
okay and hang up.
Not 20 minutes later Mark is standing in walking up to me
with a blanket in his hands. I look at the blanket in
confusion and he simply said he thought I would be cold so he brought it just in case. Smiling for the 1st time in the
past few hours because he is too sweet and I don't know
many kind people right now. Standing we walk away from
the house and as we walk I look back and my eyes start
to water again. Because their home had truly been the
closest thing I've had to a real home in a very longtime.
While walking I was still thinking and Mark just let us walk
in silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence. I just walked
at his pace to where I assume was back to his house.
The walk seemed a lot quicker this time then again I don't
remember most of it. Anyways we get there and we walk
to his room, once inside he closes the door behind him
and locking it. Stating his brother likes to come in his room
a lot and he wanted to talk to me with no interruptions.
Walking over to his bed he sits and ask me to do the
same, sitting down I look at the floor and don't speak. He
takes his hand and places it under my chin and makes me
look him in the eye. Damn his eyes I feel myself getting
wrapped in them again, when he knows he has my
attention he asked me to tell him what happened, so I
started from the point I left his house.
By the time I was done I was in another wave of tears
and he had me in his arms and was running him hand on
my back telling me everything was going to be okay. We
stay like this just me crying and him comforting me. Still
crying he pulls away slightly and looks me back in the
eyes and says that he loves me and leans in and kisses
me.
We keep kissing and I it gets more intense as the time
passes, his hand slips inside my shirt and I don't attempt
to stop him because he loves me. I don't have anyone
else right now and for now just knowing he loves me
makes this all okay. As he fumbles with my jeans and
takes them off I start to zone out, the last thing I
remember before I was lost in my own word was him
pushing inside of me.
All I can think is I'll worry about everything tomorrow, and
that this is all just a bad dream. When my thoughts drift to
Anna I remember this is happening and I should stop it but I can see the love in his eyes, so why should my 2nd
thoughts matter?
When it was over he pulls away and lays next to me,
wrapping his arms around me he whispers I love you
before he drifts off to sleep. Before I fall asleep myself I
think one last thing.
What have I just done?
_____________________________________________________________________________
So that was chapter 8 i am so sorry for not updating the way i was before, but i updated today. Am i forgiven? well let me know what you think and ill try to update regularly again. I really appreciate the fans who have been reading this, anyways comment and vote to let me know what you thought.