Not a chapter. I know.
You have 400 more votes to go on the other chapter before getting a new one but I need to address something.
I have gotten so many messages, people saying my story had helped them. Some were close to taking there life. Some even still at that stage.
So I'm going to tell you all something private, to give you hope. I do not want sympathy. I just want to help those out there who are struggling and no-one s noticing. They can't see how much pain you're in, how much you cry on your own.
Cry yourself at nights, feel like people are always judging you, social anxiety, depression... there are so many things that people don't take note of. But please listen to this if you're upset or need help. Even those who aren't down, you don't have to read this but you can if you want.
One year ago, I was in a horrible place. I was so depressed. I was in school at the time and hated it. For years, school was literally hell, I'd dread going in every morning.
I had anxiety and sometimes I got barely any sleep so it was so hard to get up in the mornings. It feels like school won't end but believe me, without realizing it, it will fly.
Anyway, I was cutting. Like I felt the lowest of the low. My friends had abandoned me because my ex-best friend spread a rumor about me. Another friend group took me in but I lost trust in friend then that I shut people off.
I missed more days of school than I actually went in. I stayed in my room. I cried. I tried to hide it because people would think I wanted attention. My school was an all girls school which meant full of back-stabbing b!tches.
This made it worse.
My friends had left me, my granny had just passed, people at my school were harassing me, I felt like I was failing everything, and another thing that.. is to personal and I'm not ready to share.
So, I cut. And the pain of breaking my skin, took the pain in my head away. Only for a while. It was like a drug. I continued doing it to stop the pain.
PLEASE DON'T CUT.
PLEASE.
You are beautiful. Do not cut yourself. Do not ruin your beauty. It takes the pain away temporarily, not forever. It'll just cause scars that will haunt you forever. Mine, I cut so deep, they won't go. They're only light now but I rather look at them as a sign that I beat depression, to show things get better.
People will say "Oh just keep your head up, things will get better"
They always said that to me but I didn't believe them. They didn't give two cr*ps in reality.
Then I got so low, you know what happened next. But my parents found me in time and brought me to the hospital.
It was a horrific procedure, they basically sucked out my stomach. I don't want to know the whole thing, all I know it was the most painful thing ever. It was horrific and I've never felt something worse. I legit thought I was dying.
I was even more upset when I came out because my parents kept an eye on me 24/7. They didn't want me to go anywhere alone for ages.
I am so thankful they found me.
I am so thankful they got me in time.
Things do get better. I'm not just saying that, I promise you. I'm thinking of setting up an email where if you have depression, feel free to talk to me. I'll understand and I'll be there for you.
I was at a low, all the stuff was wrong. I thought I'd never get anywhere in life, no-one would notice me, give me affection. Anything.
Now look where I am.
I kept going, I got support, I got help and look at me now.
I have a job I love, even thought it's tough, I still love it. And money ;)
I'm doing the course that I didn't think I'd ever get to!
I got a new dog, who's basically always there for me.
I began being social again, I communicated and realized true friends do care.
I'm going on a holidays next year.
Sure I rather stay inside and play video games but now and again I do go out. Or I'll just skype with people. It's not that I'm depressed I just still have social anxiety. But day by day I'm getting better. Life's getting better.
I also have you guys! You're not just readers, you give me so much support.
Remember, if you take your life, it's not ending the pain. It's causing more pain for the people around you. The ones that love you... they'll blame themselves. You may not see it but you are loved.
People always ask me how am I so cheery with a tumor?
It gets me down but I realized, putting yourself in a bubble, blocking everyone away. Getting to the low stage. It makes you feel worse about yourself.
I stay positive because of life.
So what if the doctors say if it kills me? The tumor can't kill me if I kick its *ss first!
I think of all the things that could happen to me in the future. Maybe I'll move to the country I've always want to go to, Maybe I'll finally get an alpaca, Maybe even get a boyfriend.
No maybe's. If I want that, I can do it. You can do it. You'll achiever it as long as you don't give up.
No matter how down you get, people will be there for you. I promise you, hold out. Get help, don't be alone. There are so many suffering like you, they'll understand you.
If you just have online friends and no proper ones in real life? Who gives a sh!t. My best friend, I met online. She's basically my life. She lives in America, I live in Ireland. And we plan to meet up.
It doesn't matter how far they are, if they care for you, they are your friend. No matter where.
Just please.
Don't give up.
Find something that makes you happy. I promise you'll find something that makes you happy, you have so many reasons to live.
No matter what the reason is, someone will understand.
Just please, head up. Be like Tina. She lost her leg and her boyfriend ffs.
I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for attention. I amost forget all this happens to me, that's how happy I am now. I just wanted to tell you so you know that no matter how low you get, you can recover
I probably will take down this note in the future as some people will complain it's nothing to do with the story. But after getting so many messages, it honestly broke my heart. I literally almost broke down reading some.
Please listen to the lyrics of this song.
It's okay not to be okay.
I promise you
THINGS REALLY DO GET BETTER.